Got A Good And Funny Joke? Lets Laugh ...

This made me laugh... Man (guest) walks in a road side motel and ask for a room... guest, "how much is a room for the night"... front desk attendant, "$25 sir" ... guest, "and how about that $5 special 'make your own bed', I'll take the special " ... attendant, "sure thing sir; hey Frank please bring the wood, hammer and nails"...

 

A Frenchman, a rabbi and a chimpanzee walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

 

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."

 

I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?

 

Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"
Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me"

 

Um. No. None of you do.

 

WOW....
Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…” “Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”

 

I took my wife’s family out for biscuits and tea. They weren’t very happy about having to donate blood though.

 

This still has me laughing.... ha....
Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.

Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?

Patient: What condition?

 

Wonderings...

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

______________________________________________​

Who loves ya...

If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your spouse/partner and dog in the boot of your car for an hour. When you open the boot, who is happy to see you?
​

______________________________________________​

Spellcheck...?

As a kid I always giggled whenever my bus passed a fish and chip shop sign which read, "Cish and Fips".

The sign remained there for years, even being refreshed whenever the paint faded. One day a reporter targeted the shop, curious about the signage. When asked about the sign, the surprised owner responded, "...because we sell cish and fips!"

True story.​

______________________________________________ ​

 

As a kid I couldn't understand the 'To let' sign on closed shops. After seeing this time after time, I asked my English-speaking friend why the 'i' is never there. And why there wasn't a door to use the Toilet...

 

i have always enjoyed this one:
----

How many internet forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?
13 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
1 mod to lock it down after it goes off-track for the nth time...

 

Why are you changing the light bulb anyway?

 

how many electricians does it take to change a light-bulb? ?

1 journeyman to hold the bulb and 3 helpers to twist the ladder.

 

A half glass of water.

An optimist sees it as half full.

A pessimist sees it as half empty.

An engineer sees it as the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

1 member to remind all those who posted in the light bulb thread that when they see the light at the end of the tunnel... it will be out.

 

How long is this tunnel?

 

And does it have any curves to it?

 

An other light bulb funny.

 

hmmm, i always thought that one can not change a light bulb unless it truthfully admitted to itself that change was needed.
ok, nevermind.

++++

these 3 jokes are mildly amusing, in a geeky way...


I'd tell you a UDP joke, but you may not get it.

I prefer IP jokes; it's all in the delivery.

I could tell you a joke about TCP, but I'd have to keep repeating it until you got it.

 

THE PRODIGAL SON (In the Key of F)

Francis the Foolish felt a filial fondness for his flawless, fastidious father, Ferdinand the Fourth. Following one February fortnight, Francis, feeling footloose and frisky, forced his fond father to fork over five hundred forty five farthings, then fled his father's fertile fief.

Fleeing to foreign fields, Francis finally frittered away his fortune on fickle females, firkins of foaming ale, freeloading friends, and feasting.

Fleeced by those fiendish fellows of the fleshpots, and facing fateful failure and famine, Francis finally found himself flinging foul feed to the swine in a filthy farmyard as a forlorn farmhand. Footsore and famished, he fain would have filled his flaccid frame with filched food but found it fit for only a footman.

"Fie!" flared Francis, "My Father's flunkies fare far finer."

Fortunately the frazzled fugitive finally faced the facts. Frustrated from failure and fulfilled foreboding, he fled forthwith to his faraway family.

Falling fatigued at his father's feet, Francis feebly phrased his feelings: "Father," he fumbled, "I've flunked - and fruitlessly forfeited family favor....forgive me."

The far-sighted father, forestalling future family fissures flagged his flunkies. "Fetch a fatling from the flock and fix a feast for Francis. Forthwith. Fall to! Faster!"

Frederic the Feculent, Francis' feisty, fault-finding brother, frowned upon his father's forgiveness of Francis' former philandering.

"Flog the Flounder!" he fumed.

But the faithful felt that Francis' former foibles should be freely forgiven.

"Filial fidelity is what fathers are for, Frederick," said Ferdinand with feelings flowing. "Forsooth, the fugitive is found, so what forbids festivity? Fly the flags freely, amid fifes, fiddles and fanfares...FLING A FEAST!"

Francis, face flushed, foreswore frippery forever more by faithfully forming a faith like Fathers.

- Fini -

 

A young woman, named Sally, was driving home from a business trip in Northern Arizona.
She saw an elderly Navajo woman walking along the road. She stopped the car and asked the
Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw. Then the old woman
noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down and said, "It's a leather coat. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the
quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

 

How it all really started!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband,
"Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods
when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will
reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be
made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold
all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret
himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth greedy
horseflies take to camel dung. They were called
Nomadic Ecclesiastical Righteous Domesticated Siderites,
or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches
were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who
bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on
making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads
and drumsticks

Dot did say,
"Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to
be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are,"
and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO", said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

 

Told this to my wife. She didn't get it!!??

 

The coat? That's not her fault.

 

1) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed
in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

2) A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I
think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.
You'll just have to be a little patient."

3) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out
and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the
road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately,
he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions
for immortal porpoises.

4) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the
leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo
looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like
these, who needs enemas?"

5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted
to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for
pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling
west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality,
their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or
Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the
expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have
absolutely nothing to go on."

7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the
medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a
long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him
to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a
month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The
chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers
on."

8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found
his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on
complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying,
"I must have taken Leif off my census."

9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one
slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All
three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys This goes to prove that the
squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the
other two hides.

10) By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered
them and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't
lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one
of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

A businessman who travels a lot for work, finds himself dead one day. As he is waiting in line for this turn to approach the pearly gates, he realizes that he knows the man in front of him. It's his neighbor! He says hello, they start talking, and eventually, the businessman asks his neighbor how he died.

"I froze to death," the neighbor replies. "What about you, how did you croak?"

"Well," the sales man says, "I came home a day early from my last business trip, and as I walked into the house, I could have sworn I heard my wife have sex with someone! She denied it, and I searched the whole house, but I couldn't find anyone. So I searched the garage, the basement, even the attic, but I still couldn't find anyone. I became so upset that I had unfairly accused my beloved wife of adultery that I worked myself into a heart attack and died right there."

The neighbor just stares at the businessman for a while before exclaiming, "YOU IDIOT!! If you had just checked the freezer in the garage we'd both be alive right now!"

 

Three men walk into a bar.

The fourth man ducked.

 

"Hey Ollie, wanna hear a joke?" Stan asked.

"Sure." Ollie replied.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"I dunno," Ollie says.

"To get to the idiot's house!" Stan says.

"That's not funny at all, Stan." Ollie protested.

"Ok, Ollie, here's another; Knock Knock."

"Who's there?" Ollie asks.

"The chicken."

 

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth and, to everyone's amazement, some how swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey did?" The guy says "No what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me" replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry, I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

 

I was going to read the book, "The Power of Positive Thinking" . . . but thought it wouldn't help.

 

An opinion without 3.14 is just an onion.

 

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

*******

How To Give a Dog a Pill

1) Wrap it in bacon.

 

Have a pie...
http://www.majorgeeks.com/news/story/random_photo_so_i_heard_today_was_pi_day.html

 

Two men walk out of a bar and notice a dog laying on the side walk licking his private parts.
One man turns to the other and says "I wish I could do that."
The other man replies, "You probably can, but you had better pet him first."

 

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery where they are sorted. Then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in by a member of the Monastery, for whom this special job was created.

This is handled by the chip Monk.

 

A group of guys drinking in a bar noticed a man who appeared to be really drunk so they decided to be good Samaritans and help him to get home safely.

They picked him up off the floor and dragged him out the door. The poor guy fell down three times on the way to the car.

Eventually finding his house, they helped him out of the car and he fell down four more times on the way to his front door.

The helpful fellows rang the doorbell and the man's wife came to the door.

One said, "Here's your husband! It was a quite a struggle but we finally got him home safe and sound!"

The man's wife gave the group a shocked look. "But where the hell is his wheelchair?"

 

Funny...

What does the starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons...

 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You are all here because you have obsessions," he said.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He then turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Your daughter is named Brandy after your favourite drink.

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

 

Two atoms are walking down the street one day, and one of them says to the other:

"Hey, wait up a second. I think I lost an electron"

The first atom replied, "Are you sure?"

The second atom exclaimed, "Yes, I'm positive!"

 

WOW.... I'm still laughing....

 

Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with a really attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of a tough looking man.

Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

 

my sister sent this to me while she lived in texas, when her husband was a graduate professor of international finance at texas a&m, and gave birth to her 2 sons in texas... so, with apologies to texas

+++++++

Subject: [SLE] <OT> [HUMOR] Windows 2000 EAST TEXAS EDITION
Date: Sun, 15 Dec 2002 21:30:00 +0100

Windows 2000 EAST TEXAS EDITION

Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000 EAST TEXAS EDITION
may have accidentally been shipped outside of EAST TEXAS.

If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands.
The EAST TEXAS EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen.
It reads: WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of Willie Nelson superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN EAST TEXAS EDITION:

Cancel............stopdat
Reset.............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find..............hunt fer it
Go to.............over yonder
Back..............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start.............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs..........stuff at duz stuff
Documents.........stuff ah done did

Also note that the EAST TEXAS EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation.

Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen.............calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers......................a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused.
If you received a copy of the EAST TEXAS EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all!

Billy Bob Gates

 

This one is about a compassionate lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

 

Why the English language can be hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
23) A vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
24) Recite at a play and play at a recital.
25) Ship by truck and send cargo by ship.
26) Noses that run and feet that smell.
27) A slim chance and a fat chance be the same.
28) A wise man and a wise guy are opposites.
29) Your house can burn up as it burns down.
30) You fill in a form by filling it out.
31) An alarm goes off by going on.
32) When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible

toodles,
harmless
++

 

A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Why, yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.
The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts, doesn't it!

 

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them--yarrgh, er, pooped--in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from that!" "Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."