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Got A Good And Funny Joke? Lets Laugh ...

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by melen1717, Mar 15, 2016.

  1. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    An Amish girl and her mother are riding in their open-air surrey one cold winter day, when she remarks that having forgotten her gloves, her hands are extremely cold.
    "Pull your skirt up a little, and put them between your legs," said the mother. "They'll warm right up."
    So the girl discreetly did so, and sure enough -- warm hands.
    Not long after, she is in another buggy with her Amish boy friend. He has forgotten his gloves as well, and complains of very cold hands. She remembers her mother's suggestion and invites him to put his cold hands between her legs. Again, success!
    A while later, the girl is talking to her mother in their kitchen and she asks if her mother knew that boys had "a wiener."
    Controlling her alarm, the mother said yes, she knew -- but why did her daughter ask?
    "My boy friend," said the girl. "This afternoon when we were out in the buggy, he said he had on thin trousers and his wiener was just frozen solid. It sure did seem to be, so I told him to put it between my legs."
    "Oh, my!" said the mother. "You shouldn't have done that!"
    "I know," said the daughter. "They sure do make a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
     
  2. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon, when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different."
    "Yeah... like what?"
    "Well…. the last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
    Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Mary Jo got pregnant.
    Then, two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Mary Jo got pregnant, again.
    Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Mary Jo didn't get pregnant, again."
    Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
    Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Mary Jo with me."
     
    Eldon likes this.
  3. Eldon

    Eldon Major Geek Extraordinaire

    I trust Americans have a sense of humour... :rolleyes:
    If anyone wants to pen something similar about South Africans (I'm not British), look no further than our president... :eek:
    BTW I recieved this via email about 8 years ago. o_O

    A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
    Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

    In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
    candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
    hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
    immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English
    Dictionary.)

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
    over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota,
    which she does not fancy).

    Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for
    America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
    circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
    rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
    'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
    'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will
    be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to
    raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

    2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
    such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form
    of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
    Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
    adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the
    elimination of '-ize.'

    3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
    lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
    therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
    should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
    without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready
    to shoot grouse.

    5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
    more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
    required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
    start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time,
    you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
    conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
    understand the British sense of humour.

    7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
    calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

    8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
    are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
    are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
    fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
    beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
    as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
    referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are
    pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be
    due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see
    what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
    Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
    good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
    play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
    dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having
    one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
    proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
    time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
    football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
    or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
    host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
    outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
    beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
    cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
    sting out of their deliveries.

    13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
    Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
    monies due (backdated to 1776).

    15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
    saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
    plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

    God Save the Queen!
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2017
    plodr, harmless and Imandy Mann like this.
  4. Imandy Mann

    Imandy Mann MajorGeek

    Why heck yeah!
    #15. I'm good for the tea-time @ 4 p.m.! (I work until 5)
     
  5. joffa

    joffa Major Geek's Official Birthday Announcer

    There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator..........
    ........only a fraction of people will find this funny :D
     
    Mimsy, harmless and Imandy Mann like this.
  6. Imandy Mann

    Imandy Mann MajorGeek

  7. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Mexican, are in a bar one afternoon when a stunning young lady comes in and sits down.
    She can't help but notice how they look at her, so she goes over to them, and says, "You look like fine fellows, and I know you want me. So, I'll go home with whoever can make the best sentence using two words -- liver, and cheese!"

    The Englishman clears his throat and says, "I say, I just can't stand the taste of liver and cheese together!"
    She is not impressed.
    The Frenchman says, "Sacre Bleau, I simply love the taste of ze liver and ze cheese any way eet ees served!"
    Again, she appears unmoved.
    The Mexican stands, looks her in the eye, and says, "Liver alone, you guys -- cheese going home with me!"
    ...
    And away they went.
     
    crookedbandit and Eldon like this.
  8. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    A man visits a doctor
    with a banana in his left ear,
    a carrot up his nose,
    and a cucumber in his right ear.

    "Well doc - what do you think is wrong with me??"

    "Easy" says the doctor "you're not eating properly"
     
  9. FreddieC

    FreddieC Private E-2

    I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure 
if I ever went there, I could get by.
     
  10. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    A man walked in several weeks ago and ordered three pints of Guinness and sat in the back of the room,
    taking a sip from each one in turn. When he had finished all three pints, he returned to the bar and ordered three more.

    The bartender told him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

    The man replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm here. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember each other. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for meself."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it at that. The man becomes a regular in the pub and always drinks the same way.

    Then one day he comes in and orders two pints. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

    The man looks puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
     
    Mimsy, joffa and Eldon like this.
  11. Mimsy

    Mimsy Superior Imperial Queen of the MG Games Forum

    Susan and Jeff have just finished consummating heir relationship, and Susan is not very happy with Jeff at all.

    "Jeff, that was so bad. You're are NOT good at sex!"

    "Oh, come on! How can you possibly know that after only 20 seconds?"
     
    joffa likes this.
  12. joffa

    joffa Major Geek's Official Birthday Announcer

    Fearing something terrible had happened Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".

    "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

    At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

    Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mummy almost died this morning".

    The father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!

    "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
     
    crookedbandit, Eldon and harmless like this.
  13. joffa

    joffa Major Geek's Official Birthday Announcer

    A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church members on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he approached the house. He knocked on the door and the owner answered. Behind him, he saw a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling each man's package, and guessing who it was. The preacher, seeing this, said ...

    "I'm sorry. I don't think I'd fit in here right now."

    "Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three times already."
     
    Eldon and harmless like this.
  14. joffa

    joffa Major Geek's Official Birthday Announcer

    A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give... water..."

    "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."

    "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need water."

    "They're only four dollars apiece."

    "I need *water*."

    "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."

    "Please! I need *water*!", says the man.

    "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, and he heads off into the distance.

    The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days. Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.

    "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer. "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
     
  15. joffa

    joffa Major Geek's Official Birthday Announcer

    A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

    So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

    "No," replies the man, "but I just realised that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."
     
    Eldon likes this.
  16. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    All I wanted to say to you and yours was "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year"...
    until I ran it past my lawyers, and this is what came back...

    From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee"), please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion 
of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

    We wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

    By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:
    This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

    1.This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
    2.This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement the inferences contained in this correspondence.
    3.This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain geographical locations.
    4.This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably as may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
    5.The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.

    [​IMG]
     
    Eldon likes this.
  17. crookedbandit

    crookedbandit Sergeant

    A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
    "What are you doing?" she asked.
    "I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
    "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
    "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
    "Love dress? But you're naked!"
    "Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
    The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
    Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
    "What are you doing?" he asked.
    "This is my love dress," she replied.
    "Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
     
    plodr, joffa and Eldon like this.
  18. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
    He has been checking her out since he sat down, but he lacks the nerve to talk with her.
    Suddenly, she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
    He instinctively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
    "Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
    "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
    They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theatre, followed by drinks.
    They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his. She listens. After she pays for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a night-cap ...and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!! Everything has been incredible!!!
    "You know," he said, " You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
    "No," she replies........ "You just happened to catch my eye."
     
  19. Fred_G

    Fred_G Heat packin' geek

    A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.

    He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"

    The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

    The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

    The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.

    The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says:













    "Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"


    Shamelessly stolen from the interweb.
     
    harmless and crookedbandit like this.
  20. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
    You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike because you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
    You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.

    A GERMAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION
    You have two cows. Both are mad.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You count them and learn you have five cows.
    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
    You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    A SWISS CORPORATION
    You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
    You charge others for storing them.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You worship them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

    AN ISRAELI CORPORATION
    So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
    They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights.
    They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

    AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    That one on the left is kinda cute...
     
  21. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    since easter is fast approaching...

    +++

    Once there was a boy, named Johnny, who faithfully went to Mass every Sunday.
    One day poor Johnny was very sick and he just couldn't make it.

    When everyone got home, he was surprised to see them all carrying palm branches. "What were those for?" he asked curiously.

    "When Jesus drove by on his donkey, the people cheered and waved these branches above their heads!"

    "Holy Cow!", exclaimed Johnny, "the one day I don't go to church, and Jesus shows up!"
     
    Eldon likes this.
  22. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
    What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
    As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

    He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

    At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

    Time stopped.

    The bear froze.

    The forest was silent.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
    "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

    The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

    "Very well," said the voice.

    The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

    And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
    "Lord, Bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."
     
    Eldon, joffa and crookedbandit like this.

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