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Got A Good And Funny Joke? Lets Laugh ...

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by melen1717, Mar 15, 2016.

  1. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    An Amish girl and her mother are riding in their open-air surrey one cold winter day, when she remarks that having forgotten her gloves, her hands are extremely cold.
    "Pull your skirt up a little, and put them between your legs," said the mother. "They'll warm right up."
    So the girl discreetly did so, and sure enough -- warm hands.
    Not long after, she is in another buggy with her Amish boy friend. He has forgotten his gloves as well, and complains of very cold hands. She remembers her mother's suggestion and invites him to put his cold hands between her legs. Again, success!
    A while later, the girl is talking to her mother in their kitchen and she asks if her mother knew that boys had "a wiener."
    Controlling her alarm, the mother said yes, she knew -- but why did her daughter ask?
    "My boy friend," said the girl. "This afternoon when we were out in the buggy, he said he had on thin trousers and his wiener was just frozen solid. It sure did seem to be, so I told him to put it between my legs."
    "Oh, my!" said the mother. "You shouldn't have done that!"
    "I know," said the daughter. "They sure do make a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
     
  2. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon, when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different."
    "Yeah... like what?"
    "Well…. the last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
    Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Mary Jo got pregnant.
    Then, two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Mary Jo got pregnant, again.
    Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Mary Jo didn't get pregnant, again."
    Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
    Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Mary Jo with me."
     
    Eldon likes this.
  3. Eldon

    Eldon Major Geek Extraordinaire

    I trust Americans have a sense of humour... :rolleyes:
    If anyone wants to pen something similar about South Africans (I'm not British), look no further than our president... :eek:
    BTW I recieved this via email about 8 years ago. o_O

    A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
    Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

    In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
    candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
    hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
    immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English
    Dictionary.)

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
    over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota,
    which she does not fancy).

    Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for
    America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
    circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
    rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
    'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
    'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will
    be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to
    raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

    2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
    such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form
    of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
    Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
    adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the
    elimination of '-ize.'

    3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
    lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
    therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
    should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
    without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready
    to shoot grouse.

    5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
    more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
    required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
    start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time,
    you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
    conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
    understand the British sense of humour.

    7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
    calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

    8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
    are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
    are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
    fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
    beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
    as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
    referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are
    pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be
    due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see
    what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
    Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
    good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
    play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
    dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having
    one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
    proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
    time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
    football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
    or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
    host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
    outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
    beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
    cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
    sting out of their deliveries.

    13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
    Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
    monies due (backdated to 1776).

    15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
    saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
    plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

    God Save the Queen!
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2017
    plodr, harmless and Imandy Mann like this.
  4. Imandy Mann

    Imandy Mann MajorGeek

    Why heck yeah!
    #15. I'm good for the tea-time @ 4 p.m.! (I work until 5)
     
  5. joffa

    joffa Major Geek's Official Birthday Announcer

    There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator..........
    ........only a fraction of people will find this funny :D
     
    Mimsy, harmless and Imandy Mann like this.
  6. Imandy Mann

    Imandy Mann MajorGeek

  7. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Mexican, are in a bar one afternoon when a stunning young lady comes in and sits down.
    She can't help but notice how they look at her, so she goes over to them, and says, "You look like fine fellows, and I know you want me. So, I'll go home with whoever can make the best sentence using two words -- liver, and cheese!"

    The Englishman clears his throat and says, "I say, I just can't stand the taste of liver and cheese together!"
    She is not impressed.
    The Frenchman says, "Sacre Bleau, I simply love the taste of ze liver and ze cheese any way eet ees served!"
    Again, she appears unmoved.
    The Mexican stands, looks her in the eye, and says, "Liver alone, you guys -- cheese going home with me!"
    ...
    And away they went.
     
    crookedbandit and Eldon like this.
  8. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    A man visits a doctor
    with a banana in his left ear,
    a carrot up his nose,
    and a cucumber in his right ear.

    "Well doc - what do you think is wrong with me??"

    "Easy" says the doctor "you're not eating properly"
     
  9. FreddieC

    FreddieC Private E-2

    I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure 
if I ever went there, I could get by.
     
  10. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    A man walked in several weeks ago and ordered three pints of Guinness and sat in the back of the room,
    taking a sip from each one in turn. When he had finished all three pints, he returned to the bar and ordered three more.

    The bartender told him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

    The man replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm here. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember each other. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for meself."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it at that. The man becomes a regular in the pub and always drinks the same way.

    Then one day he comes in and orders two pints. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

    The man looks puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
     
    Mimsy, joffa and Eldon like this.
  11. Mimsy

    Mimsy Superior Imperial Queen of the MG Games Forum

    Susan and Jeff have just finished consummating heir relationship, and Susan is not very happy with Jeff at all.

    "Jeff, that was so bad. You're are NOT good at sex!"

    "Oh, come on! How can you possibly know that after only 20 seconds?"
     
    joffa likes this.
  12. joffa

    joffa Major Geek's Official Birthday Announcer

    Fearing something terrible had happened Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".

    "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

    At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

    Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mummy almost died this morning".

    The father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!

    "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
     
    crookedbandit, Eldon and harmless like this.
  13. joffa

    joffa Major Geek's Official Birthday Announcer

    A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church members on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he approached the house. He knocked on the door and the owner answered. Behind him, he saw a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling each man's package, and guessing who it was. The preacher, seeing this, said ...

    "I'm sorry. I don't think I'd fit in here right now."

    "Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three times already."
     
    Eldon and harmless like this.
  14. joffa

    joffa Major Geek's Official Birthday Announcer

    A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give... water..."

    "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."

    "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need water."

    "They're only four dollars apiece."

    "I need *water*."

    "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."

    "Please! I need *water*!", says the man.

    "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, and he heads off into the distance.

    The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days. Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.

    "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer. "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
     
  15. joffa

    joffa Major Geek's Official Birthday Announcer

    A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

    So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

    "No," replies the man, "but I just realised that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."
     
    Eldon likes this.
  16. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    All I wanted to say to you and yours was "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year"...
    until I ran it past my lawyers, and this is what came back...

    From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee"), please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion 
of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

    We wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

    By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:
    This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

    1.This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
    2.This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement the inferences contained in this correspondence.
    3.This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain geographical locations.
    4.This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably as may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
    5.The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.

    [​IMG]
     
    Eldon likes this.
  17. crookedbandit

    crookedbandit Sergeant

    A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
    "What are you doing?" she asked.
    "I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
    "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
    "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
    "Love dress? But you're naked!"
    "Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
    The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
    Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
    "What are you doing?" he asked.
    "This is my love dress," she replied.
    "Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
     
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  18. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
    He has been checking her out since he sat down, but he lacks the nerve to talk with her.
    Suddenly, she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
    He instinctively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
    "Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
    "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
    They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theatre, followed by drinks.
    They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his. She listens. After she pays for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a night-cap ...and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!! Everything has been incredible!!!
    "You know," he said, " You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
    "No," she replies........ "You just happened to catch my eye."
     
  19. Fred_G

    Fred_G Heat packin' geek

    A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.

    He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"

    The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

    The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

    The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.

    The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says:













    "Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"


    Shamelessly stolen from the interweb.
     
    harmless and crookedbandit like this.
  20. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
    You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike because you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
    You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.

    A GERMAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION
    You have two cows. Both are mad.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You count them and learn you have five cows.
    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
    You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    A SWISS CORPORATION
    You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
    You charge others for storing them.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You worship them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

    AN ISRAELI CORPORATION
    So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
    They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights.
    They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

    AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    That one on the left is kinda cute...
     
  21. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    since easter is fast approaching...

    +++

    Once there was a boy, named Johnny, who faithfully went to Mass every Sunday.
    One day poor Johnny was very sick and he just couldn't make it.

    When everyone got home, he was surprised to see them all carrying palm branches. "What were those for?" he asked curiously.

    "When Jesus drove by on his donkey, the people cheered and waved these branches above their heads!"

    "Holy Cow!", exclaimed Johnny, "the one day I don't go to church, and Jesus shows up!"
     
    Eldon likes this.
  22. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
    What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
    As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

    He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

    At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

    Time stopped.

    The bear froze.

    The forest was silent.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
    "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

    The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

    "Very well," said the voice.

    The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

    And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
    "Lord, Bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."
     
  23. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

    The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire." 
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

    The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." 
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins, gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

    The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."

    The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

    The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. 


    The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

    
Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
     
    Eldon likes this.
  24. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

    Eating lunch one day, the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
    The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
    The blond guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

    The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
    The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
    The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

    At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
    The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
    Everyone turned and stared at the blond guy's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
     
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  25. Spad

    Spad MajorGeek

    What did the bra say to the hat?








    "You go on a head, and I'll give these two a lift."
     
    harmless likes this.
  26. Eldon

    Eldon Major Geek Extraordinaire

    Japanese sex.jpg
     
    harmless likes this.
  27. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    another one from my email archives from long long ago...,

    +++++++

    Greetings from Holland, where medical research is second-to-none!

    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine; that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
    A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!
     
    Spad, Imandy Mann and Eldon like this.
  28. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    ancient, yet, strangely relevant...
    + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

    THE "EMAIL FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM :

    1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!

    2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.

    3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, and Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.

    4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!

    5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

    6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER --NEVER !!

    7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

    8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.

    9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

    10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!

    11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

    12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!
     
  29. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
    At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
    The nun in charge made a note, and posted it on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."
    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
    One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
     
    Eldon and joffa like this.
  30. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
    The man gets up and goes to the door to find a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push.
    "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"
    He slams the door and returns to bed.
    "Who was that?" asked his wife.
    "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
    "Did you help him?" she asks.
    "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
    "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
    "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?"
    "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
    The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
    He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
    "Yes," comes back the answer.
    "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
    "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
    "Where are you?" asks the husband.
    "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
     
    Tater, Eldon and joffa like this.
  31. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    Recent market turmoil had led to some new and interesting mergers. The stocks of these new companies should soar! Invest!

    1. XEROX and WURLITZER -They're going to make reproductive organs.

    2. FAIRCHILD ELECTRONICS and HONEYWELL COMPUTERS -The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild.

    3. POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS and KEEBLER -The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

    4. W.R.GRACE CO., FULLER BRUSH CO., MARY KAYE COSMETICS, and HALE BUSINESS SYSTEMS -The company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

    5. 3M and GOODYEAR -The company will be called MMM Good

    6. JOHN DEERE and ABITIBI-PRICE -The company will be called Deere Abi

    7. HONEYWELL, IMASCO and HOME OIL -The company will be called Honey, I'm Home.

    8. DENISON MINES, ALLIANCE and METAL MINING -The company will be called Mine All Mine.

    9. 3M, JC PENNEY, and THE METROPOLITAN OPERA COMPANY -The company will be called 3 Penny Opera.
    [ evidently, 3M's earlier merger did not pan out ]

    10. GREY POUPON and DOCKERS PANTS -The company will be called Poupon Pants.

    11. KNOTTS BERRY FARM and THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN - The company will be called Knott Now.

    12. ZIPPO MANUFACTURING, AUDI, DOFASCO and DAKOTA MINING -The company will be called Zip Audi Do Da.
     
  32. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    Three Canadian Men Were Sitting Behind A Couple Of Nuns At A Baseball Game, Whose Head Gear Partially Blocked Their View.
    The Three Men Decided To Badger The Nuns In An Effort To Get Them To Move.

    In A Very Loud Voice, The First Guy Said, "I Think I'm Going To Move To Calgary, There Are Only 100 Nuns Living There."

    The Second Guy Spoke Up And Said, "I Want To Go To Manitoba, There Are Only 5O Nuns Living There."

    The Third Guy Said, "I Want To Go To Newfoundland, There Are Only 25 Nuns Living There."

    One Of The Nuns Turned Around, Looked At The Men, And In A Very Sweet, Calm Voice Said,
    "Why Don't You Go To Hell ... There Aren't Any Nuns There."
     
    Tater, plodr and Eldon like this.
  33. Eldon

    Eldon Major Geek Extraordinaire

    Robert phones his attorney and asks: "With so many people suing tobacco companies because they have lung cancer, and others suing McDonald's because they're obese, do you think I could sue Jack Daniel's?"
    Curiously his lawyer asks: "Do you want to sue them because you have a liver disease?"
    "No, replied Robert, I want to sue them because of all the ugly woman I have slept with."
     
    Tater likes this.
  34. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

    Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

    And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

    And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

    So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

    God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

    God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

    God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

    Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

    God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

    God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

    Then Satan created HMOs.
     
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  35. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

    A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the heck is going on?"

    The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
     
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  36. Eldon

    Eldon Major Geek Extraordinaire

    An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
    His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
    A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
    After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
    Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
    Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
    He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
    Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
    The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
    The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides...'
     
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  37. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    Three friends, two straight guys and a gay guy and their significant others, were out on a boat together. A tidal wave came up and swamped the boat. They all drowned and next thing you know, they're standing before St.Peter at the pearly gate.

    First came one of the straight guy and his wife.
    St. Peter shook his head sadly, "I can't let you in. You loved money too much.
    You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

    Then came the second straight guy.
    "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much.
    You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

    The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously,
    "It doesn't look good, Dick."
     
    Eldon and joffa like this.
  38. locodave

    locodave Corporal

    Ever go to a wedding? ( At my age more funerals. ) Always have fun at weddings. Wedding receiving line is the best. You meet the groom 1st and the wife last.

    Meet the groom congrats and ask if he has learned his "Magic Words yet." He asks what? Tell him " Yes Dear". She will usually say, he better, or words to that effect.

    Meet her. Congrats. Then ask her if she has learned. " Her Magic Words yet. " She dosen't know what they are. I would tell her. Repeat after me. "You want to do WHAT !! To me WHERE??? ". On WHAT?

    Look at him and tell him, it's your turn to say the magic words you learned and say. -> Yes Dear. I do. ;)
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2017
  39. locodave

    locodave Corporal

    To all you married couples. Have an anniversary? Remember the honeymoon night? To you guys. For giggles, on the day. Run into the bathroom, slam it shut. Then holler out. I'm not coming out. My turn, that thing scares me.

    Or if you have the guts. Say I'm not coming out, it's too big. See if she has a sense or humor.
     
  40. Fred_G

    Fred_G Heat packin' geek

    I ran across this on another forum:

    Cajun Bridge.JPG
     
    harmless likes this.
  41. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    being raised catholic, i never had to read the bible ( the priests did that for us )
    all i had to do was memorize the Baltimore Catechism, so i can not vouch for the accuracy of these bible quotes.
    ++++

    In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.

    Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
    Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

    The Jews were a proud people, and throughout history, they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
    Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
    Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

    Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

    The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
    The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
    The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
    The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

    Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
    The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and... he obeyed him!

    David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

    Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
    He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

    The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
    One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan.

    St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
    A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
     
  42. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    i think i'm starting to run low on jokes from my email archives ( well, the good ones worth posting )
    i like the story on this one, but not the punch line so much, and i can't think of how it could be different.
    the actual email had an attached pic for the end, so there is a shop, out there some where, with that name.
    anyway.... here we go:

    +++++

    Finkelstein and Jesus

    Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe.

    After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.

    A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit!

    He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: "No! no! no! for the Son of God, there's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor."

    Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.

    A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noticed a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

    He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him, and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him, he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business ! Would you consider a partnership ? "

    "Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

    "Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time.

    Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful, and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.

    A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop. -> Lord Tailor!
     
  43. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    ok... i just needed to dig a little deeper....
    ++++

    The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

    Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

    Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

    Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

    Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

    Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

    Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

    Karmageddon: It's, like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

    Glibido: All talk and no action.

    Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
     
    Eldon likes this.
  44. harmless

    harmless Corporal

    More Cherokee Wisdom

    Two Wolves

    One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
    He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.
    One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt,
    resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
    The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,
    empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

    The grandson thought for a minute, then asked his grandfather, "Which Wolf wins?"

    The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
     
    joffa and Eldon like this.
  45. Eldon

    Eldon Major Geek Extraordinaire

    So true!
     

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