Translations

After owning a computer repair shop for almost 20 years, I've come up with some customer to tech translations. Please feel free to add to the list.

"My nephew who works at best buy is a real computer wiz..."
Translation
"Whatever you say we're going to believe him and not you..."

"I know you're busy... BUT..."
Translation
"My sh*t is more important that anyone else's...."

"While you're here...."
Translation
See Above

"I watched a report on the news last night... "
Translation
"I'm convinced Vladimir Putin is in my Yahoo account..."

"I used to run my business on a legal pad, we didn't need computers..."
Translation
"I'm gonna take forever to pay you..."

"We didn't think you provided good service..."
Translation
"You didn't fix my problem for free in your off hours."

 

"I don't know what's wrong with my computer."
Translation
"I know what's not wrong with my computer."

 

"I only use my computer for work, emailing customers and ordering supplies"

Translation:

"I download pron and am a sucker for any email attachtment".

 

Or . . . "I don't know what happen I only downloaded one software program."
Translation
"I am addicted to FREE downloads and I will download from any web site offering free programs. Free always means good, right?"

 

You are obviously going to be an awesome contributor to this forum, and I can tell we're going to get along great.

I started thinking of things to post, but I have so many of them my brain is currently suffering from the human memory equivalent of a DDOS attack - all systems are down from suffocating overload.

(Earlier this week, my employer presented me with a commemorative plaque for 10 years of service. In a computer tech support contact center... we sell hardware upgrades and provide support pre-sale and post-sale. I started in front-line customer service and have worked my way up to a management position. I have LOTS of horror stories. )

However, after rebooting my long-term memory, here are some of the support agent short-hand/customer-speak that has been coming up a lot at my work over the years...

Support Agent euphemisms:

"The customer is very unreasonable"
means
"The customer is a demanding jack*** who thinks if he yells at us loudly enough, we'll give him free money"

"The customer is very upset"
means
"He's acting like a spoiled brat who just had his favorite dessert taken away and if I repeat the words he called me, I'd get fired"

"Customer is irate"
means
"If he talked to me like that to my face I'd punch him"

And a few examples of customer speak:

"I have worked in IT for over 20 years!"
means
"I have no idea what's going on and it scares the **** out of me, so I'm going to try and bully you to make myself feel better"
(By the way, when you're The Only Girl on the Level 2 Tech team, you get targeted with this one a lot. None of my responses are even remotely humorous - which is why I still work there and have been promoted a few times. Restraint for the win!)

"Your product destroyed my computer and you WILL pay for a new one!"
means
"I'm an idiot and I know it, and I desperately want it to be someone else's fault"

"I've been a big customer of yours for years!"
means
"I'm a nobody, and I'm terrified that if you realize that you won't lift a finger to try to help me."

"I will sue your company for this!"
means
"I genuinely believe that a global corporation whose legal department's interns make more money than I do, will take me seriously if I raise my voice. I am that stupid."

And of course, this one that is my personal favorite:

"I installed the upgrade and it didn't work. So I did this troubleshooting: <fast-forward through 10 minutes of correct and informative troubleshooting steps> and I think I need a warranty exchange. How do I get one?"
means
"I did everything I could think of to try and make it easier for you to help me. Help me, please?"



"I can set that up for you right now. Would you like free over-night shipping for those replacement parts?"

 

Bravo

 

Alternative Translation
"I bought a $20 mouse five years back..."

 

"I KNOW it is not a hardware problem."
Translation
"I know nothing about hardware and don't want to buy any parts so somehow you have to magically fix my computer using this online forum."

"I don't have malware on the computer."
Translation
"I won't run any tests and post logs because then you will see that I'm running a pirated edition of Windows and cracked versions of paid programs."

 

Very nice!

Except we don't actually sell those... internal components only.

So, on reflection, they may have purchased one single DDR2 module a few years ago.

 

If there's a translation (read reply) for this, I'm sure it can't be posted...

Post #55.

 

Eldon gets the award for patience!

 

I had similar events in a medical practice years ago. A good friend told me he knew of a malpractice suit filed against an OB-GYN because "The baby was UGLY!" Case eventually thrown out by a judge but still bonked his insurance rate way on up. Unbelievable what people will come up with.

 

where is post #55 ? this only goes to 13 ? I'm lost translation where r ya'll hiding it?

 

In Eldon's post #11 click on the blue arrow.

 

ok, I must be blind I don't see a Blue arrow

 

To the immediate right of the colon that is to the immediate right of the word said.

 

I quoted post #55 (no need to go there) - second quote in post #11.

 

ok,ok I got it the "arrow " is so small I didn't put it togeather with the post..........sorry

 

Lol. Must be the building heating or air conditioning or perhaps the neighbor's computer fans are noisy. Most likely the neighbor is listening to music/videos on-line.