Jokes 2

[AbbySue]

Due to the awesome length of the old jokes thread and the subsequent lag it is causing, it has been closed.

Post your new jokes here. I'll start off with one that I'm sure has been here before but remains a favorite of mine b/c I'm such a visual reader and can see the scene playing out before me as I read it.

Garden Snakes are DANGEROUS!
Author Unknown

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.

She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technicians saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.

He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushion where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called when it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed...

Both men were discharged from the hospital. The house was re-built. The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world.

About a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him...

[mcadam]

Lol great joke. All the negative events sounded like something out of Final Destination!

[AbbySue]

Originally Posted by mcadam

Lol great joke.

Thanks McA

This isn't an actual joke, but pretty darn funny. Love stuff like this and I'm sure there are things on programs such as funniest home videos we can ALL relate to.

Complements of my dad (max)...enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQmcQClBcSA

[LauraR]

...I love it being set to Dancing Queen.

[Triaxx2]

Man arrives at a hotel for a business meeting and into his elevator walks a Drop-dead gorgeous woman. After a couple of floors he gets up the nerve to talk to her and asks why she's there. The woman explains that she's there to give a lecture at the Nymphomaniacs convention, dispelling a number of myths.

"What myths?"

"That Black men are the most well-endowed, in truth it's Native Americans. Most people think the French are the most considerate lovers, but really it's the Scottish. And the men with the most stamina are southern Rednecks." After a moment, she asks his name.

"It's Tanto McTavish, but my friends call me Bubba."

[obnoxious]

Housework Is A Woman's Job!

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived
home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in
the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and
the table set.
She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said,
'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were
too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, she told her office
friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up
the kitchen . He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the
laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.





'Oh , that ..., Ralph was too tired..'

God is good.

[Dayvo]

Why Santa Doesn't Exist

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species
of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are
insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer
which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT
since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378
million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an
average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million
homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is
to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has
1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney,
fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the
sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8
millions stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,
we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will
accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of
75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at
least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made
vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds),
the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could
pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even
nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for
comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In
short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the
reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The
entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.
Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times
greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)
would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
dead now. Merry X-mas.

[Rikky]

Everyone knows Santa converts his entire mass to photons to make the rounds that's why have Christmas lights to signify the the change into massless particle waves.

[red death68]

wow funy santa discussion and the snake story we heard in school lol

i got some these are from another forum i hang out in
--------------------------------------------------------------------
1.) A couple of blondes were driving through
Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them
they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all
the way there about how to pronounce the name of
the town.
Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting
their food, one of the blondes said to the
cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us?
Very slowly, tell us where we are."
The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"
--------------------------------------------------------------
2.) A customer walks into a restaurant and notices
large sign on the wall:
$500 If we fail to fill your order!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts
on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks
into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the
kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps
five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me
this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the
first time in ten years we've been out of rye
bread!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
3.) There was an elderly gentleman who was
suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife
of 40 years loved him very much, but she
couldn't handle him any longer. He
would wander about never knowing where he
was or sometimes even who he was.
Finally she decided that she would have
to take him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was
filling out paperwork, a nurse had
the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly
the man starting slowly leaning to
his left. The nurse ran over and put a
pillow on his left side to prop him
up. A few minutes later, he started
leaning to his right. Again, the nurse
ran over and put a pillow on his right
side. Then he starting leaning forward.
This time, the nurse strapped him into
the chair.
About this time, his wife, having
completed the paperwork, walked up to him
and asked, "How do you like the place?"
"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't
let me fart."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When the twin towers still existed, there was a bar on the top floor.
2 men are sitting at the bar, and one turns to the other and says
"Do you know that there is such a powerful updraft between these two buildings, that if you jumped out the window, the wind would carry you back up?"
The other man says
"That's a load of crap."
The first man then says,
"Here, I'll prove it to you"
The man jumps out the window, falls and falls, and then does a loop, and floats back up through the window.
The second man says
"HOLY CRAP!! You were telling the truth! I want to try!"
So the second man jumps out the window, and falls and falls and falls.
Splat, he hits the ground with a thud, and dies.
The bartender, having seen all of this, turns to the first man and says
"Dang, superman, you're a mean drunk."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Due to increasing products liability, alcoholic beverages manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning label be placed immediately on all bottles:
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can't remember).

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

[red death68]

one last i didnt feel like fiting abby u might get a kick outa this sence ur a visual reader

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**

**This is Daddy.**

**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**

**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**

**Right now.'**

**Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**

**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**

**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**

**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

**'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**

**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**

**And into the swimming pool.**

**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**

**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? .**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number.......**
----------------------------------------------------------
thats a personal fav its like a candid version of cheaters

[obnoxious]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Katie, a 3-yr old girl to hold

a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katie did as she was asked.

Mum-to-be pushed and pushed and after a little while, a baby boy was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Baby began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katie for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old

what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katie quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his arse again!"[/size]

[obnoxious]

Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death

[obnoxious]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter o f the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[obnoxious]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked
why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren
and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds',
and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over
and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on
backwards instead of your collar.'

[red death68]

Originally Posted by obnoxious

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked
why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren
and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds',
and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over
and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on
backwards instead of your collar.'

burn!!!!!!!!!!

[red death68]

lol funny jokes people

[Mankind]

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)

[Mankind]

A MUST READ!!!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How does it go? "Don't try this at home"?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We have the standard 6ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I Heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest Cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head.

I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower was fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says one cannot crap, pee, and get a nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM, BAM, BAM, you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close
together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences...But Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 Volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop, pee, jizz and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, and standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day...he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it.

I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek, (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might first think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and that gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[red death68]

wut the heck was that all about common sence says dont go near the flipping wire till you are 110% sure (yes its the right number) you cut the power and then you approach it slowly and carfuly (perferably with rubber gloves the thick kind) and then and only then you pick it up carefuly or try to completly shut off the fence!

[maximus relaximus]

Just so funny 'Abbysue' I was cringing at the oldies so dangerous....something to tell the grandkids lol...

Not had the patience to look at rest but I will kewl....

Maximus.....