A woman's week at the gym...

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by LauraR, Feb 20, 2009.

  1. LauraR

    LauraR MajorGeeks Super-Duper Administrator Staff Member

    Mimsy's quote in Fred's thread reminded me of an email my girlfriend just sent me: :-D


    (I didn't want to go Off Topic in Fred's biking thread)






    A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
    If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.


    Dear Diary,

    For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

    Although I am still in great shape since being a high school

    football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.


    I called the club and made my reservations with a personal

    trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

    My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

    The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


    MONDAY:

    Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found

    it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!


    Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!


    TUESDAY:

    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

    Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.


    WEDNESDAY:

    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.


    Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams

    bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the h*** would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s*** too.


    THURSDAY :

    Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

    Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny b**** to find me.


    Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.


    FRIDAY :

    I hate that b**** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.


    Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any

    triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the D*** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

    Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


    SATURDAY :

    Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


    SUNDAY :

    I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little s***) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
     
  2. abz1nthe

    abz1nthe Command Sergeant Major

    lol that was pretty good.
     
  3. joey off the street

    joey off the street Lounge Lizard No.1

    :hyper:strong:cry:zzz roflmao The universal constant that is belligerence in the face of adversity.
     
  4. Fred_G

    Fred_G Heat packin' geek

    Good one!

    I was hoping for picts of hot chicks in a gym... :-D
     
  5. darlene1029

    darlene1029 A Grand Lady- R.I.P. 06/06/2012

    OMG, I had to keep wipeing my eyes so I could continue reading.
    I'm going to copy and send that to my daughter, (physical trainer) who has talked about leaving messages on peoples answering machines.


    @ Fred, careful picking up (chicks) in a gym, they might out gun you
     
  6. DavidGP

    DavidGP MajorGeeks Forum Administrator - Grand Pooh-Bah Staff Member

    Hehehehehe me too, lycra :drool :p
     
  7. LauraR

    LauraR MajorGeeks Super-Duper Administrator Staff Member

    lol...glad you liked.

    This was my fave part of it:

    :-D

    Sorry Fred and Halo....no lycra pics. You'll have to get yourselves to the real gym and work out to see that. LOL
     
  8. sherpaprime

    sherpaprime Private E-2

    Or you could get a hernia! :cry


    "Only the wisest and the stupidest men never change." - Confucius
     
  9. Mimsy

    Mimsy Superior Imperial Queen of the MG Games Forum

    Full article.

    For the record, my purely evil petite torturer is a 5'2" brunette who can carry two 20 lbs dumbbells in one hand across the gym floor without noticeable effort. When she demonstrates the exercise she wants me to do, it looks ridiculously easy--just lay on your stomach on the stability ball, walk your hands forward until only your feet are resting on it, and then do ten push-ups. Riiiight... I managed four and I think they killed me.

    But the vicious little pixie is good at her job. Thanks to her I have dropped one pant size and I can now carry at least two 12 lbs dumbbells without dying from the exertion. Tomorrow evening, I'm going to try the 15 lbs ones. :strong
     
  10. Fred_G

    Fred_G Heat packin' geek

    Congrats on the progress Mimsy! :strong
     
  11. Rikky

    Rikky Wile E. Coyote - One of a kind

    This made me laugh most,It instantly evoked images of two pieces intestine smashing through the sternum:-D
     
  12. LauraR

    LauraR MajorGeeks Super-Duper Administrator Staff Member

    Pretty funny, Mims.LOL

    ^ I liked that one. :-D



    lmao...Your mind goes to the strangest things.
     
  13. BILLMCC66

    BILLMCC66 Bionic Belgian

    Isn't it amazing how someone's perception can change over the course of a week.

    The gym never held any fears for me but the voice of Gunny could send me into cold sweats.

    Gimme 10 [​IMG]
     
  14. Mimsy

    Mimsy Superior Imperial Queen of the MG Games Forum

    One-legged deadlifts with 15 lbs dumbbells. With a 4-2-4 tempo. I hurrrrrrt... :cry
     
  15. Triaxx2

    Triaxx2 MajorGeek

    Well, now that you've got the easy stuff over with...
     

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