Rant

My family wonders why I am always upset with them.

For several years now, I've been the family PC tech.

Got a problem? I resolve it.

Want to buy a computer? I give my personal opinion on what you are buying, sell you what you need, or give advice on how to get the biggest bang for your buck.

Its always been this way.


My aunt and cousin have this POS HP pavilion computer they inherited. I've worked on this computer several times. I've easily spent 10-15 hours in repair time with it. The computer has seen better days.

Well, I got it working like a fine oiled paper weight, er, machine.

They wanted cable, so I hooked up their equipment from Cox.

They had an email provisioning problem, so I fought with Cox for several days to get it fixed. They just sat back and relaxed.

They had a problem with the registry failing on boot.

I fixed it.

They had the problem again.

I was going to fix it, but they never brought it over to me.

Well, I've been financially----unstable lately.

So I have a computer I am selling, complete with everything you need except a printer for 800 dollars. It also has a 2 year warranty remaining.

You would pay more than this in a store. For family members, I'd even be willing to drop the price.

So we told my cousin a week ago.

My cousin called last night because he wants me to work on his computer.

Come to find out, they bought a custom built computer from someone else.

They didn't even look at what I had to offer.

What upsets me the most is not that they bought the computer I am selling but the fact that they didn't even ask me what I thought about what they were buying and whether I could do it cheaper/better. I'm sure I could have.

So I asked my cousin why they wanted me to fix their old computer if they bought a new one. He said it was because he wanted the wallpaper off

THen it hit me. He thinks I MUST fix his computer to get access to the data. Then he could sell it.

Heh.

I told him to bring it over and I would pull the data off it. Won't he be surprised when he gets an angry buyer who wants to lynch him for selling a dud computer.

I will NOT fix it, and let them make money off of my generosity.

THe work I've done for them would easily cost over 100 dollars if they took it to someone.


To top this all off:

My cousin dropped a bombshell on me. My grandmother was in the hospital for two days. I angrily asked why nobody told us, and he said because she didn't want to make a big "deal" of it.

Funny how the rest of my family knew.


And they wonder why i am always angry with hem...

 

When my grandfather went to the hospital several months ago, they were not in a hurry to tell me either.

Guess they didn't want to make a big deal about it...

We did end up finding out, and seeing him. He died earlier this year.

 

I dont speak to most of my family for similar (but different) reasons.

I came to terms with it earlier this year that if they respected me and MY family (hubby &daughter) they would treat us A LOT different. I havent spent more than 30 minutes with any of them since christmas. and that will be the last christmas i spend in their chaotic, deceitful world....

 

Start asking for CASH in advance, and information on the family. Or just stop helping - they don't appreciate it, and they won't until they have to pay for it.

 

These are the same people who verbally assaulted my wife because she didn't call them when I had my car accident back in November and was in a hospital trauma center for 9 hours.

She didn't call, because I was the firstmost thing on her mind, and it truly wasn't a big deal. I was fine.

 

Thats exactly what I am going to start doing.

 

heh, I stopped caring about family along time ago (well, long for someone being only 18 ), anyway, next time they call tell 'em to either pay up 50% of what the local pc tech asks or else bring it to the local pc tech and pay him 100's of $.

 

I'm almost certain of it

The machine I am selling is OEM, but I went through this machine with a fine toothed comb, updated everything, from security updates, to antivirus and ad aware.

I've gone through this computer with a fine toothed comb, over and over.

Its defragged, optimized (gogo black viper!), you name it.

I couldn't make this computer hiccup if I wanted to.


It is in perfect shape and more stable than the computer I use.
Of course, my machine is abused on almost a daily basis. Its the guinea pig for all the reghacks and changes I give here on MG. I always try everything out before suggesting it

 

Good idea. I think what is really fueling my anger however is my grandmother being in the hospital.

This just so happens to be something extra to piss me off, on top of it all.

 

Sorry about your problems.
I am basically in the same boat.
It is always fix this ( I am an amature woodworker. ) Fix that.
When I ask for help it is always " sorry I cant do it when you need it done "
I think I will start taking chances with strangers. At least you know they will SR**W YOU.
IMHO

 

De Ja Vue.


If you want, PM me some time, and I will tell you a story about the disrepsect my family (especially my mother) has for me and my wife.

My own mother was called the second I was in the trauma center and she never even bothered to call back and check in with me.

People generally do not live through the car accident I was in. In truth, Iw as the only survivor.

Instead of seeing if I was OK, she spent the next day when I was recovering yelling at me about how we didn't call her.

 

We all have our storys.

My brother, about 10 years ago was laid off for 3 months. He called and asked if I could lend him some money, so I sent him $500. He went out and bought a $300 pair of cowboy boots, and spent the rest in bars.

 

Its very hard to say no to a family member. believe me I know. It is so hard that most of the time it cannot be done. So a person keeps getting the short end of the stick everytime and everytime it hurts and everytime it gets you angry and yet one continues to put up with it.

Then there comes the time when yo finally have to put your foot down and do what must be done. This time has come to me several times in my life and several times it has been hard to do I am much better off now then before. either they understood what the deal is or I do not talk to them. It does not matter as long as you know who is right.

However you put your foot down sitck with it let them know you will not be manipulated.
Some people when you give them your hand in friendship they take your arm. if you let them they will also take your leg.

 

*Groan*

 

They slap me in the face so often Endi, that I am becoming emotionally detached from them altogether. Its not just computer stuff.

When someone has become emotionally detached, you haven't burned your bridges, you've annihlated them.

 

I am sorry to hear that. But if in your search of hapiness you have to do things that at first hurt you very much but in the long run will allow you to reach your hapiness then you have to do so.

But also rememember burnt bridges can be rebuilt or new bridges can be built.

What ever you decide to do Adryn do it for you your wife and Kid.

It will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. but it seems to me that it has started.

 

when i was 18, my mom borrowed $1000 from me. it has been 8 years now, and I've collected $250. yet she has money to go to the beach, buy a new car and move several times...

the past two years, NO ONE in my family has called to say happy birthday, mom has NEVER just "stopped by" to see rachel, although she literally passes right by our house on the way to my grandparents every weekend....school starts in 3 weeks, everyone knows (or should know) that money is extremely tight for us, yet no one has called or emailed asking if they could help with school clothes or supplies or anything....the list is endless...

i remember several years ago, money was really tight for my mom, and i went out and bought my younger brother and sister new school clothes (they were in elementary school at the time). I'm tired of giving and giving and being the nice one...you know???

with me, its just years of accumulated stuff that crescendo'd (sp?) during the holidays this past year. then every one always asks why i never talk when we are together, and its really as simple as no one listens to anythign i say, anyways, so why bother??? They all "look down" on my husband as he has always stayed at home with rachel, and say he doesnt contribute and thats why were in the position were in. yet if i were the one at home, it would be ok...when in fact, if it WERE'NT for HIM, I (personally) would be a LOT worse off...i think mom is jealous, simply becausse shes never had a marriage last more than 3 years, and here I am going on 7 - no its not been easy, but we have NEVER given up on each other- even in the darkest of hours.

i could go on for quite some time, but will try not to bore all of you!!!

all familys are dysfunctional- its up to the individual how much dysfunction you can handle...

 

Adrynalyne:

I was really sorry to read about the problems you're
having.

I bet there are alot of families who would be so
happy and grateful to have such a fine computer
tech in their family who would be willing to
spend so much time helping them with
their computers.

What do you suppose the reaction would
be from family members if when they
called frantic about a computer problem,
if you said you're sorry to hear of their
problem but you are busy. I wonder
if after having to go somewhere and
pay for the service of having their
computers fixed, if they would appreciate
you more.

Just some thoughts.

Best of luck!

Maggie

 

"I'll be happy to help you. I'm a little busy now. Is late August/early September OK?"

 

Of 2007?

 

You are so not alone, we thought our family was the only one like that. Several years ago my husband was driving his dad's truck and was hit by a drunk driver. The police called my father in law instead of me for some reason and it was about 5 hours later that I got a call from him saying he'd picked up my husband and taken him to his house (he lived 5 miles past our house. He'd driven by me to pick him up and by me again with him). Bear in mind that this is something like 3 in the morning, I'm already terrified about where my husband is. When questioned, he just shrugged and said "well I'm his dad". But that was a constant, I just kind of gave up. It was that or go crazy.

You do have to put your wife and children first, if the others want to whine oh well. If you do things for other people the way you do things for the members here, you should never feel in the least bit guilty that you're not doing enough. Also remember that because of how you are treated by them, there is a very good chance that you will never treat others that way and you will pass the same values onto your kiddies. My husband is very different with our kids than his folks were with him, we learn from their mistakes.

Mid-to late August I need and should be able to afford a new pc if you still have that one I will be in touch

Chin up, enjoy your holiday with your real family, (why do I keep having Harry Potter images), you deserve it.
Happy 4th

 

I'm starting to believe what debbie said. All families are dysfunctional. Unfortunately some of them feed off of hate and discontent as well.

No, my last name is not Manson. But sometimes you wonder!

Regarding the PC, I will PM you about the specs so you know what they are

 

My immediate family is quite normal, of course.


And who could be unhappy with a treasure like this running around?

 

Thank you. This one is a custom built work one, good stuff in there but getting old.
Do you think you can hang on till then? We have a business in escrow, then I get to go shopping!

Anyway Marilyn was probably prettier than you, and yes I believe you are right about the dysfunction. Now, MY immediate (parents/sister) family is scarey in that we have NO dysfunction! We have no skeletons, no divorces, no scandals! All the cousins etc think we are odd! Sometimes you don't realise how lucky you are, maybe that's why I married my husband, to make up for that! Same with our kids they are respectful, well-balanced, chemical free 14 and 15 year olds. We are thankful

Your wee lass is gorgeous!

 

Thanks

The older she gets, the more you can see the Korean in her.

Which is good, don't want her looking like Dad.

She's gonna turn heads

 

Adryn, she is a real cutie pie!


My family is too busy being busy to be a family. I have given thousands of $ - not repaid. I've done computer work, built and gave a PC for xmas to my Brother's family. But when I have needs it's like I'm a leech if they just buy me lunch.

A friend of mine summed it up in two words: "Short memory"

Never again.

 

I'm pretty lucky. My extended family on my Mom's side is mostly very functional and level headed. Most of those on my Dad's side are very disfunctional, untrustworthy, and scattered to the 4 winds. I'm pretty close to Mom's side, not at all close to most of Dad's. Neither is he. Dad's been hit up for "loans" and such too. Which he had to learn years ago to say no to. Was tough for him, as he's a very giving person. But your own nuclear family is first priority, always, and there are limits as to what you can or should do for those ourside it. It's not easy setting rational boundaries and in some cases HARD boundaries, and still be able to be civil at family gatherings and functions, but it's often necessary. Whether it's your time or your money, you, and you alone have to determine how much of it can be shared with others, and how much must be reserved for yourself and your own family.

Nobody can hurt you like family. Which is sad. A good family is worth more than gold.

 

i too come from an unstable background (my family is more dysfunctional than your family tee hee)
all my life Ive been used as an intermediate between the various squabbles. as a result when i moved to Hawaii they said i 'abandoned' them!
my mum (BLESS HER) still sez things like....you cant really live in Hawaii (oh really, what does she think Ive been doing for ten years?)...your just running away from your problems, you cant do that. they will just follow you. (yes i am, and no they don't), you will never be accepted anywhere but england..(?)...etc.
still waiting for them all to 'forgive' me for doing the impossible.

aloha

 

get a new phone number and they won't bother you again, works great

 

What they do, you allow. You can't change their attitudes, you can only change yours. It's time to change the rules in your favor. They will learn to accept it or live without your help and assistance.

 

Wow! I am soooo lucky. I never realised.

 

Adryn,

First, your daughter is LOVELY!!!

You've gotten some excellent advice here. Kiwi's sticks out most in my mind because you are a father now and you must put your wife & children first. Remember that your daughter (I don't remember reading whether you have other children or not) is watching you, learning, and taking her examples for the way she treats people in her future (and the way SHE allows others to treat her) from you. You are her role model.

I now have a very loving relationship with most of my family, but there was a time in my life that I wouldn't speak to my mother or brother. I went several years without saying a word to either of them because they were trying to meddle in my life when it was time for me to learn through my own mistakes. Had I not taken that time away from them I would not be the person I am today, and I think I made the right decision. My mother will not allow my brother to make mistakes on his own, so he is still dependent on her (in his 30's!) She constantly worries about who will take care of him when she dies...*Heavy Sighs* It won't be me!

None of this is either here nor there with regards to your situation, but the bottom line is that you are a very helpful and generous person, as mentioned before by a few others in this thread who are the same way. For your sake and your daughter's sake, perhaps now is the time to stand up to your family and say "no." It took me a very long time to learn how to say that word, and it is still difficult for me to say to family, but it can be done! "No" is a complete sentence, BTW. You have an added incentive that I do not have. When you stand up for yourself and tell your family "no" you will be teaching your daughter that you respect yourself, and she will take the queue that it is ok for HER to say "no," stand up for and respect herself also. Once your family sees that you are no longer willing to be pushed around they will begin to realize that they cannot get away with things like leaving you in the dark about the health of your grandmother. This may take some separation or time away from them, or they may "get it" much more quickly than my family did.

I believe that all families are dysfunctional. I once worked as a youth counselor for a residential treatment facility for troubled adolescents. Most of those children's parents should have been the ones that were put away... I saw some really sad things that I can't repeat here, but I see those same dynamics in all families. You can be a positive as far as breaking the chain of dysfunction by laying down the law now as far as the things you will and won't accept, and what you refuse to put up with. As I mentioned before, this will do wonders for your daughter and her sense of self. On the upside, it will also help your family to see their dysfunction, as it did mine.

I hope that some of the above made sense... You ARE a very intelligent person and your time is worth much more than you might think! You have helped me, as well as many people who come here, and I truly hope things work out for the best.

Take care,
Gina

 

I come from a very dysfunctional family, and most of them are dead now. Funny, but I wish that my brother would call and ask to borrow money, I'd just like to hear his voice. I wish my Dad would call and tell me that I needed to fix his old Dodge, I'd like to be mad at him just one more time. Wish Mom would invite herself over at a moments notice to use the washer cause Dad hasn't got off of his lazy butt to fix it.
I've never been so angry with a group of people in my life, so I rarely spoke to say, 'I love you'. I never told them just how really important they were to me. I reacted in anger, and avaidance. So much wasted time and emotion.
The reality is that all families take advantage of each other to some degree, and most times it is thankless.
You don't know what you've got until it is gone. And gone is gone, there is no going back.
I cannot apologize to my father for the angry words prior to his death, he is GONE. I would like to tell him "I love you Pops".
I cannot collect the debt my brother owes me, he is GONE. Id like to tell him to forget the loan, let's play one on one basketball one more time.
I cannot let Mom wash her clothes again, she is GONE. I'd gladly buy her a new washer just to put my arms around her one more time.
Truth: extended family sucks. Truth: they take advantage of us/you. Truth: watch what you do and say. You really can't take it back sometimes.

 

Wow. I'm stricken with silence here, Boc. You are absolutely right. I guess I'm lucky that most of the bad times with my family are in the past. When my aunt got sick I began talking more frequently with my father (who is estranged from everyone else in the family but me now) and his children from his 2 other marriages. Her sickness kind of woke me up in that respect.

If it helps, and I hope I'm not out of line here, I believe your family knew how much you loved them, even if you didn't say it when you think you should have... I know that there are no substitutes for the real words, but I knew my mother and brother loved me when I didn't speak to them for a few years and they knew I loved them. That is what made it so painful. But even if you didn't get that last chance, don't despair, because chances are, they knew...

Peace & Take care,
Gina

 

Well, I could just have easily been reading about myself here. I have just finished a complete computer system for a family of supposed Christians who wanted a system for their business. So as a favour I spend a thousand bucks out of my own pocket, to build them a super-duper setup that they will be wrapped in _probably worth about K$3,000. I was going to let them have it at below cost price. Now they've conveniently decided that they have changed their minds - and yep! - You guessed it! Tough luck for 'ol Phantom (again!)

Re: Dysfunctional Families:- Yeah tell me about it! They don't only do me great injury, in every sense of the word, but at the end of the day, they end up doing themselves in too. It's the kids I really feel sorry for. So-called 'help' by various Govt. agencies has only made it 20X worse.

I've truly lost count of how many thousands are supposedly owing to me, either through unpaid for equipment, or people just borrowing -often thousands in one hit, and not bothering to even pay back twenty bucks!

So the bottom line is I'm left isolated at the ends of the earth (or so it seems). And everybody else that was close to me is either dead or physically departed anyway.

The money rip-off side of things I can handle, but there is 'priceless' aspects of life that will never be reconciled.

*Sigh!* Such is life- for me at least.




Rant mode disengaged!

 

family isn't family anymore when they only come to you for either money or computer parts and ignore you the rest of the time as if you were dead.
imho, I'm not the one with issues here.

of course with family, I don't mean my parents & my younger brother but my aunts etc.

 

That about sums it up right there Fleppen.

 

Some of you people are reading the first half of my rant and not the second.

These people take, and keep taking and never give back.

My grandmother was in the hospital for 2 days!

They didn't even so much as call me until after the fact. Everyone in the family knew, except me. Even those out of state knew!

So understand when 99% of the time the attention they do give me is PC related, which they take for granted.

Does that sound like a loving family?

I have more than every right to be upset, and I don't see anyone's advice here really out of line.

 

I appreciate those words, and I do know what you mean. My grandfather recently passed away. One of my aunts passed away a couple years ago.

You truly don't know what you've got until its gone.

But I'm not so sure this family can be helped, and trust me when I say this, I don't say mean things to them. I am just going to stop giving.

My mother has tried in the past and present to break up my marriage by trying to convince my wife to leave me. My own blood. Turned against me behind my back.

There is so much more than this, but I will leave it to PMs, if anyone wants to know.

 

Does that apply to your post as well ?

 

i hafta agree with kaula....
i think there were a whole generation of war children that never got the parenting they should have. as a result they never learned parenting skills. (my own mum is a bit like 'the old woman who lived in a shoe')
if i do not forgive the abuse of my childhood, then i carry it around. if i accept that all people do the best they can, in the circumstances they are in, with the experience and training that they have received thus far, then i am free to love, not just those who have hurt me, but all people everywhere.

my parents 'mistakes' have enabled me to be a better parent to my own kids. one of the strongest motivations for my own parenting skills was that no child of mine will ever go to sleep thinking that they are unloved and unwanted.

how would i have learned that without feeling it myself?

good comes outa bad. have faith. god will bless every unselfish act, and upturn every undeserved slight, if you cannot tolerate even those god has decreed to be 'yours' how can you build a tolerance for complete strangers?

yes its hard....but who ever said that life was easy? YOU are a good person adrynalyne. rejoice in that, and the angels will rejoice with you. harden your heart and you will be closed to the simple joy of unconditional giving. aloha....i hope this made sense.

 

Adryn,
I have an idea what you have gone through. My family was hurtful, very hurtful, inconsiderate and often outright rude and cruel.
There is a bittersweet truth in life. You cannot not love them, and it tears us apart inside.
I chose to ignore them instead of coming out in the open and talking to them in an honest and open fashion about how I felt, and allowing them the dignity of making meaningful change. I should have done that. Not for them, but for me. Then I could have made informed decisions based on their reaction to my input.
In truth, they probably do not have a real clue what's going on inside of you and the real impact that their behavior is having. It's up to you to let them know, honestly and without anger. Giving them choices (if this behavior continues I will do _______) and following through. I didn't do that, and the guilt after they are gone is real and difficult to deal with. So do this for yourself.
My parents hated my wife. This led to many heated arguements and lost opportunities to be with my family of origin. I never once sat them down and told them exactly how I felt. I just went my own way, ignoring them, allowing them to hurt me day after day...and it was all so unneccessary.
You are in a vicious circle and if you handle it appropriately you can break the chains...and in the process perhaps allow others to release themselves from the cycle.
My heart goes out to you sir, and I have one more person to add to my prayers at night. Hang tough, it is a difficult road. Chose your conveyance well. Boccemon

 

My father in law was always telling my husband that I'd married him for his money and it wouldn't last. That I was socking money away in a secret bank account until I had enough to leave. That me opinions didn't matter because I was a woman. And a foreigner. And of different heritage.
Well, we never have had enough money for me to sock away, my opinions matter a lot, the different heritage has never mattered to anyone else and we've been married (for better or worse...) for 17 years.
Just live each day as best you can and go to bed each night knowing that you did the same. All else follows.

 

haha Slider I like your attitude.

 

Yes we should forgive, and we should love unconditionally.

But that doesn't have to include being a doormat and continuing to allow yourself to be taken advantage of.

Sometimes we need to have the self-respect to say NO to those who take us for granted.

 

That was nicely said.

 

That is so correct, but the effectiveness is in how you so no, and how you set the boundaries and expectations.

 

That was extremely rude, and uncalled for.