Jokes v.3

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by LauraR, Jan 27, 2010.

  1. LauraR

    LauraR MajorGeeks Super-Duper Administrator Staff Member

    (Starting a new joke thread since the other wasn't posted in for months:))



    I got this in email and it made me chuckle. (Men you might get offended since I know you are all so sensitive!:-D)

    [FONT=&quot]To Be 6 Again...[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT][FONT=&quot]A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his[/FONT][FONT=&quot]wife, who was
    looking at herself in the mirror Since her birthday was not
    far off he asked what she'd like to[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT][FONT=&quot]have for her birthday.

    'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking[/FONT][FONT=&quot]in the mirror .

    On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
    of Fear, the Screaming[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Roller Coaster, everything there was.

    Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
    reeling and her stomach felt upside
    down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
    chocolate shake.

    Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]candy,
    M&M's. What a fabulous adventure![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]

    [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
    exhausted.[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]


    [/FONT][FONT=&quot]He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six
    again?'

    Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]

    [/FONT][FONT=&quot]'I meant my dress size, you idiot!'

    The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
    get it wrong.
    [/FONT]
     
  2. brandypeppy

    brandypeppy MajorGeek

    Finally, someone has resurrected this thread, or subject! This one's for you Laura:-D



    Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

    Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

    Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

    The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

    The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

    By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

    The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
     
  3. murderhigh187

    murderhigh187 Private First Class

    hookers dont like to snuggle :-o
     
  4. LauraR

    LauraR MajorGeeks Super-Duper Administrator Staff Member

    @brandypeppy I don't get it. :confused
    (LOL that's cute)


     
  5. rustyjack

    rustyjack MajorGeek

    Three little 80yr old ladies on the beach sunbathing

    All of a sudden a young muscle bound Brad Pitt look alike walks out of the sea naked

    The first lady fainted

    The second one had a heart attack

    and the third had a stroke !

    Thats another one you won't get !
     
  6. joey off the street

    joey off the street Lounge Lizard No.1

    A woman tells her husband one day that she is thinking of having breast enhancement surgery. Her husband tells her not to bother as he knows of a technique that can enlarge the size of her breasts by rubbing toilet paper between them.
    "How does that work?" she asks.
    "I don't know", "he replies, but it worked for your arse."
     
  7. Paxton007

    Paxton007 MajorGeek

    Placing his ladder against the bedroom window of a burning house, a young fireman rushed up the ladder and looked through the window. Inside was a beautiful brunette in a transparent nightgown. He grinned and told her, "You're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"
    "But I'm not pregnant!" the woman exclaimed.
    "You're also not rescued yet."
     
  8. darlene1029

    darlene1029 A Grand Lady- R.I.P. 06/06/2012

    @ Laura, Haven't anything suitable for posting :-o I did send your "lady's room" to someone the other day, that makes me laugh every time. :-D
     
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2010
  9. LauraR

    LauraR MajorGeeks Super-Duper Administrator Staff Member

    Which one is it, dar? I can't remember. LOL
     
  10. BoredOutOfMyMind

    BoredOutOfMyMind Picabo, ICU

    An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

    'Excuse me, I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

    The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir.

    Do you know where your wife might be?'

    'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, she appears out of nowhere.
     
  11. darlene1029

    darlene1029 A Grand Lady- R.I.P. 06/06/2012

    The perils of public rest rooms and the lack of necessities and comfort.
     
  12. brandypeppy

    brandypeppy MajorGeek

    It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

    St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

    St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

    St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

    :-D:-D:-D
     
  13. Kestrel13!

    Kestrel13! Super Malware Fighter - Major Dilemma Staff Member

    is that a fact or a joke? LOL
     
  14. tonyhale

    tonyhale Lounge Lizard No.2

    Seeking answers the wanderer stumbles across a Buddhist monk hanging over the edge of a precipice, he, the monk, is hanging over the precipice with a knotted rope clenched between his teeth. The wanderer leans forward and asks the monk to explain the meaning of Zen.

    What was the monks reply
     
  15. Puppywunder58

    Puppywunder58 Master Sergeant

    The single finger salute?
     
  16. rustyjack

    rustyjack MajorGeek

    Some Random Facts :

    An Elephant Sh*ts half its own weight in 2 days !

    A mans penis is 3 times the length of his thumb !

    2 multiplied by 2 is 4 !

    A woman would have finished reading this by now, but a man would still be checking the size of his thumbs !

    :-D:-D:-D
     
  17. ASUS

    ASUS MajorGeek

    Plastic Surgery.........




    A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.


    Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.




    Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.


    Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

    The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."





    "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."




    "And what about the third rose ?" she asked.










    "That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
     
  18. rustyjack

    rustyjack MajorGeek

    @ASUS ROFLMFAO, roflmaoroflmaoroflmaoroflmaoroflmaoroflmaoroflmaoroflmaoroflmaoroflmao !
     
  19. tonyhale

    tonyhale Lounge Lizard No.2

    Noddy and Big Ears??????????
     
  20. LI_Geek_95

    LI_Geek_95 Post-and-Run Geek

    The Amish Elevator

    First time an Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,[FONT=&quot] silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][/FONT]
    The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
    The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
    'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is'.[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
    While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an ugly, fat, large old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.,
    The walls opened and the lady waddled in between them into a small room..
    The walls closed and the boy and his father
    watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
    They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
    Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
    The father said quietly to his son.....
    [FONT=&quot] 'Go get your mother.'[/FONT]
     
  21. BILLMCC66

    BILLMCC66 Bionic Belgian

    Three guys died and when they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter meets them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't you will forfeit your privilege of being here and we'll have to ask you to visit our friend below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you get. You have to have a car here in Heaven because it is so big!"

    The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"

    The guy replies, "24 years."

    St. Peter then asks, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

    The guy says, "Yes, about 10 times...but you said I was forgiven."

    Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."

    The second guy walks up and gets the same questions from Peter to which he replies, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out and I was faithful there after."

    Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln Town Car for you to drive."

    The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

    Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."

    A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"
     
  22. Paxton007

    Paxton007 MajorGeek

    Lol lol
     

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  23. brandypeppy

    brandypeppy MajorGeek

    This one's been around for a while, but it seems that it couldn't be more relevant than right now.:-D:-D:-D

    Diary of a Snow Shoveler​


    December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
    December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

    December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

    December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

    December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

    December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my *** on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

    December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

    December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

    December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

    December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

    December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.

    December 25: Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

    December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

    December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

    December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

    December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

    December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ***. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

    December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

    January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
     
  24. brandypeppy

    brandypeppy MajorGeek

    Can't let this thread die so soon;



    Angering the Irishman​
    Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

    "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

    Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

    "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

    Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

    The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

    "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
     
  25. tonyhale

    tonyhale Lounge Lizard No.2

    First man my wife is so beautiful I call her swan
    Second man my wife is so stately and slender I all her flamingo.
    Man with black eye my wife is so irritating I call her thrush
     
  26. joey off the street

    joey off the street Lounge Lizard No.1

    So Bill visits his friend, Ben, at his home one day. Ben invites Bill in and takes him through to the sitting room and pours them both a drink. A few minutes later Bill hears the tinkling of piano keys in the room and looking round he sees a little man a foot tall playing a tiny piano in the corner of the room.
    "Who the hell's that?" he asks Ben.
    "Oh, yeah, him", replies Ben. "Well, I was walking along the beach one day and picked up a small bottle in the sand. I took out the stopper to see if there was anything in it and a genie stood in front of me. He granted me one wish for releasing him and this is what I got. I've still got the bottle in case no one believed my story."
    Seeing an opportunity, Bill asks if he can try for a wish from the genie.
    "Okay, I don't see why not", Ben replies, "but be careful, he's a bit hard of hearing."
    He seeks the bottle and hands it to Bill.
    Bill removes the stopper and the genie appears in front of him and grants him one wish.
    "I wish for 50,000 pounds", he exclaims excitedly.
    After a few seconds, clowns start popping up all over the house, in the garden, down the drive and out into the street.
    "Hey!" shouts Bill, "I asked for 50,000 pounds not 50,000 clowns!"
    "I told you he was a bit deaf", says Ben, "do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

    Thank you. I'm here all week.
     
  27. Paxton007

    Paxton007 MajorGeek

    Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7. His reply? "I still love Vista, baby!"
     
  28. Phantom

    Phantom Brigadier Britches

    ya mean "It hasta be Vista, baby!";)
     
  29. brandypeppy

    brandypeppy MajorGeek

    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

    "Why of course," comes the reply.

    The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

    "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

    The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
    "Of Course," replies the second man.

    Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
    "Dublin," comes the reply.
    "I can't believe it," says the first man.
    "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
    "Of course," replies the second man.

    Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
    "What school did you go to?"
    "Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
    "I graduated in '62."

    "This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
    "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

    About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
    "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
    "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
     
  30. BoredOutOfMyMind

    BoredOutOfMyMind Picabo, ICU

    The Pauper's Funeral

    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

    There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

    And as I played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

    As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years!"
     
  31. brandypeppy

    brandypeppy MajorGeek

    Irish Declare War On France

    The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

    "Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

    "Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

    "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

    Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

    "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

    Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

    "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.

    "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

    Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

    "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

    Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

    Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

    "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

    Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

    "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

    "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
     
  32. tonyhale

    tonyhale Lounge Lizard No.2

    My Australian wife Mercy makes the worlds worst tea it has great lumps of fur flesh and claws in it. I call it her Shakespearian brew

    The koala tea of mercy be not strained it falleth as the gentle rain.

    Sorry folks felt a bit bored
     
  33. Nedlamar

    Nedlamar MajorGeek

    An elderly gentleman makes a phone call to the police.

    "Police Service, how can I help you"

    In a giggly , slurred, light hearted voice the gentleman says ...

    "I would like to report a crime"

    "Ok sir, please continue"

    "Well, it would seem as though I may have had tee many martoonies at my local pub and decided to drive myself home, obviously I've been driving under the affluence of incohol"

    "I see sir, please continue"

    "Yes I thought I would be ok to drive but on my way through the village I accidently drove across someones lawn... I crashed through a fence, knocked over several garden gnomes and broke a few wing mirrors on some parked cars. I then proceeded to through the town centre and knocked over several of those pretty orange cones and drove straight across a flower bed on a round-a-bout, I thought I ought to stop and call you to let you know what I have done"

    "Ok sir, we apreciate your confession, we will need to send someone out to pick you up. Where exactly are you, sir?"



    "Hehehehe ,Wouldn't you like to know"

    -------------------------------------------

    A thief breaks into a house in the night, clambering through the dark with only a small flashlight he here's a voice.

    "Jesus is watching you"

    The thief spins round suddenly but cannot see anyone, after checking around he continues to fill his swag bag. A few seconds later he hears the voice again.

    "Jesus is watching you"

    Feeling a little unerved by this he shines his flashlight around but see's no one, putting it down to imagination he continues to fill his swag bag. Only a few seconds later he hears it yet again.

    "Jesus is watching you"

    He then proceeds to explore the house to find the voice, he come across a shadow in the corner in the shape of a bird cage. He shines his light on it and says ...

    "Who's there"

    Just as he says this he catches site of a parrot in the cage

    The parrot replies...

    "My name is Moses and Jesus is still watching you"

    The thief rolls his eyes and says...

    "What kind of moron names their parrot Moses?"

    The bird replies...

    "The same morons who named the rottweiler Jesus"
     
  34. collinsl

    collinsl MajorGeek

    A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.
    The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading "WHERE AM I?" and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.
    People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
    The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
    After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
    The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."

    The passenger continued, "You must have been in marketing before you became a pilot."
    "Yes, I was, how did you know?" the pilot replied.
    "Because you didn't know where you were or what you were doing, but expected the computer tech to be able to help you. After he answered your question, you were in the same situation as before, but then you decided it was his fault."





    How do you recognize a field service engineer on the side of the road with a flat tire? ...

    He's changing each tire to see which one is flat.

    And the related problem:

    How do you recognize a field service engineer on the side of the road who has run out of gas? ...

    He's changing each tire to see which one is flat.
     
  35. collinsl

    collinsl MajorGeek

    There was a programmer named Gus
    Who spent all his nights in a fuss.
    As he lay in his bed
    All that went through his head
    Was (while !asleep()) sheep++;
     
  36. collinsl

    collinsl MajorGeek

    Q: How many IBM Processors does it take to execute a job?

    A: Four. Three to hold it down, and one to rip it's head off.

    Q: What's the name of the phenomenon where excrement collides with the propeller? A: Turdulence.

    /* No Comment */
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2010
  37. collinsl

    collinsl MajorGeek

    What do you do with dead people?
    Ba. (Barium)

    There are two cows on a roof. Which one falls off first?

    The one with the smallest mu

    "Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye Captain. 300 dpi?"

    Error message: "Out of paper on drive D:"

    A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2010
  38. darlene1029

    darlene1029 A Grand Lady- R.I.P. 06/06/2012

    This is Laura's joke, hope you don't mind Laura. TeeCee and I have been talking germs and I thought she would enjoy this. If you can get all the way through without having an accident your doing better the me, thought I would die roflmao



    hypocrisy When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

    Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but t here isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume 'The Stance.'

    In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'

    To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

    You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .

    Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crump led tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.'

    By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

    At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

    You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

    You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.'

    As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?'

    This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door , hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
     
  39. Paxton007

    Paxton007 MajorGeek

    Two Guys walking down the street see a dog licking his own testicles. One says, "Man I wish I could do that." the other replies: "You'd better ask if you can pet him first."
     
  40. abz1nthe

    abz1nthe Command Sergeant Major


    ahah ROFL
     
  41. joey off the street

    joey off the street Lounge Lizard No.1

    A country bumpkin is tending his sheep in a field when a young man approches him and asks, "which is the quickest way to get to Bristol?"
    "Are you walking or driving?" asks the village doylem.
    "Driving", replies the tourist.
    The village idiot thinks for a bit and says, "Arr, that's definitely the quickest way."
     
  42. Tux_Rules

    Tux_Rules Corporal

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    How to Give A Cat A Pill:

    1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. FORCE jaws open and PUSH pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignoring low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, FORCE mouth open with pencil and blow pill down drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    10. Retrieve cat from roof of neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto cat's neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band, close cat's mouth and hold shut to the count of 30.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.

    12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

    13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by piece of steak. BE ROUGH ABOUT IT. Hold cat's head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

    14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.

    15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

    How to Give A Dog A Pill:

    1. Wrap it in bacon.
     
  43. Tux_Rules

    Tux_Rules Corporal

    A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:
    "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

    Silence.

    Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said:
    "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

    A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
     
  44. brandypeppy

    brandypeppy MajorGeek

    Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence..

    Then Obama said into the microphone, “Children, uh, every time I, uh, clap my hands together, a, uh, child in America dies from, uh, gun violence.”

    Little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said, ” Well, dummy, stop clapping!”
    :-D:-D
     
  45. darlene1029

    darlene1029 A Grand Lady- R.I.P. 06/06/2012

    tax time peeps
     

    Attached Files:

  46. collinsl

    collinsl MajorGeek

    On Computers
    Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
    Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
    So, Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused, They did spreadsheets, They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail, They sent out e-mail with attachments.
    They downloaded, They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job
    But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
    Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
    The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
    Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"
    God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."


    [​IMG]
     
  47. barononeefdip

    barononeefdip Specialist

    a cop pulls over a car full of stoners and as he approaches the vehicle the driver rolls down the window and the driver says "let me guess officer, you pulled me over because i don't have a license" then his girlfriend who was sitting in the passenger seat said "don't mind him officer he just gets paranoid when hes high" then his friend in the back said "i thought you pulled us over for this large bag of weed back here" by now the officer is both overwhelmed and confused and a moment later he hears a banging in the trunk and someone yell "HEY ARE WE ACROSS THE BORDER YET DUDE!!" :-D

    if its not appropriate then feel free to delete but it's all i got
     
  48. barononeefdip

    barononeefdip Specialist

    thats an old bono myth brandypeppy

    http://www.snopes.com/music/artists/bono.asp
     
  49. Paxton007

    Paxton007 MajorGeek

    Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged into the room to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS #@*$!#@ HOUSE!













    I'm sorry ... what did you ask me?
     
  50. darlene1029

    darlene1029 A Grand Lady- R.I.P. 06/06/2012

    :-D so true :clap or just women in general, my family anyway
     

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