Jokes please

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Shadewalker, May 3, 2005.

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  1. Shadewalker

    Shadewalker Private E-2

    ok so im doing this thing at school and they want me to tell jokes and i dont got any shcool appropriate jokes so if u can give me anything that would be great thanks.
     
  2. TheDoug

    TheDoug MajorGeek

    [font=arial,helvetica][size=+1]A[/size] man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" [/font] [font=arial,helvetica]The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" [/font]

    [font=arial,helvetica]The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?" Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish." [/font]

    [font=arial,helvetica]The man said OK, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... know how to make them truly happy..." [/font]

    [font=arial,helvetica]The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four? [/font]
     
  3. StarBow1er

    StarBow1er Private Spam

    That was a good one! Here's a quick one.....

    I bought myself a camouflage jacket, then I put it in the closet but now I cant find it!

    Yeah, I know, it's corny...when I think of others I'll let you know! :D
     
  4. Matacumbie

    Matacumbie Rocky Top

    Are there any appropriate jokes these days, especially in school. You are bound to offend somebody!

    Be careful. :)

    Steve
     
  5. G.T.

    G.T. R.I.P February 4, 2007. You will be missed.

    One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

    He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there.

    You talk?" he asks.

    "Yep," the Lab replies.

    "So, what's your story?"

    The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
    be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

    "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
    dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.

    "Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    "Ten dollars."

    The guy is dumbfounded. "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

    "He's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
     
  6. ASUS

    ASUS MajorGeek

    Why do Nipples have bumps around them?
    It's brail for, Lick Here!



    What do you call 4 mexicans in quick sand?
    Quatro Sinko!




    O.K. for school, probably not.
     
  7. Lev

    Lev MajorGeek

    As the next Star Wars movie release looms closer, today has been heralded as International Star Wars Day........May the 4th be with you!

    OK....I know....I know......

    <gets coat and leaves via backdoor>
     
  8. jarcher

    jarcher I can't handle a title

    An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.

    Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:

    "I define myself to be on the outside."
     
  9. jarcher

    jarcher I can't handle a title

    The English Language

    Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

    Let's face it
    English is a stupid language.
    There is no egg in the eggplant
    No ham in the hamburger
    And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
    English muffins were not invented in England
    French fries were not invented in France.

    We sometimes take English for granted
    But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
    Quicksand takes you down slowly
    Boxing rings are square
    And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
    If the plural of tooth is teeth
    Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
    If the teacher taught,
    Why didn't the preacher praught.

    If a vegetarian eats vegetables
    What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
    Why do people recite at a play
    Yet play at a recital?
    Park on driveways and
    Drive on parkways

    You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
    Of a language where a house can burn up as
    It burns down
    And in which you fill in a form
    By filling it out
    And a bell is only heard once it goes!

    English was invented by people, not computers
    And it reflects the creativity of the human race
    (Which of course isn't a race at all)

    That is why
    When the stars are out they are visible
    But when the lights are out they are invisible
    And why it is that when I wind up my watch
    It starts
    But when I wind up this observation,
    It ends.
     
  10. Maxwell

    Maxwell Folgers

    What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?






    A stick.


    or alternatively, What is brown and sticky?
     
  11. Sasquatch77

    Sasquatch77 MajorGeek

    The medical examiner gets a call...dead body in the morgue, and needs an autopsy, So he goes to the morgue, and gathers up his assistant. they are looking the body over, and noticed a cork stuck in the corpses rear end. The medical examiner removes the cork...and country music comes from the corpse`s rear end. The examiner, without saying a word, returns the cork to the corpse`s rear end. The assistant...his eyes wide, and obviously stunned by the fact country music came from the corpse`s rear, says to the examiner...Isn`t that amazing? The examiner says it`s not so amazing...any ass can play country music.


     
  12. StarBow1er

    StarBow1er Private Spam

    This is an old one, definitely not school material but I couldnt resist!

    Man who go to bed with sexual problem wakes up with solution in hand........Or

    Whats black and white black and white and black and white? A nun falling down the stairs....What's black and white and laughing? The priest who pushed her!
     
  13. Sasquatch77

    Sasquatch77 MajorGeek

    An attractive young blonde woman returns home, distraught over being in a fender-bender. She calls an auto body shop to ask for advice. The man she talked too, somehow sensing she was a blonde...tells her to blow into the exhaust pipe to reinflate the dented parts of her car. She tries this repair method, with no success. So she`s standing there crying over her car, when her room-mate, also a blonde, returns home. She asks the first girl why she`s crying. She tells her about the fender bender, and the advixce from the auto body repair man. The second blonde, looking at the car says....Silly girl, that didn`t work because you have the windows rolled down.
     
  14. G.T.

    G.T. R.I.P February 4, 2007. You will be missed.

    On a related note:

    Did you hear about the blonde terrorist that was assigned to blow up a politician's car? She burned her mouth on the exhaust pipe.
     
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