porno - to block or not to block

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by laurieB, Sep 25, 2005.

  1. laurieB

    laurieB MajorGeek

    i have by chance discovered that my puter is being used to visit porn sites. my son is 13, but for all i know it could be hubby! i have posted on the software forum to find ways of investigating further, and ways of blocking unauthorized use, but the question is should i? i personally think that porn is addictive and destructive. it sets a standard for sex that 'ordinary' women don't meet, depending on how hardcore it is. am i just being old fashioned? do the men and teenage boys on this site think porn is harmful? at thirteen should i just be ignoring it? what if it is hubby? what do other wives think about their hubbies visiting porn sites? any input is welcome. aloha
     
  2. Kodo

    Kodo SNATCHSQUATCH

    well, I don't normally like to butt in on things like this because of their personal nature, but I would be asking your hubby if it's him and if it's not, then perhaps a sit down with the 13 year old might be in order. I think It's natural for teen boys to be curious but the internet is really not the avenue for it because it's indiscrimminate. It definately can begin to establish unwarranted expectations.
     
  3. Wenchie

    Wenchie I R teh brat

    If it is either, I think you should hold a family meeting to air views on the whole thing. whether it's the boy or not, hes old enough for the talk and if it's your personal moral/ethical feeling that pornography is not acceptable in your household, then you should definately block it.

    Personally... I would. Pornography should be only the tool of the single man, because if you have a loving wonderful woman sleeping in your bed, what the hell do you need it for? Turn off the computer and GO UPSTAIRS. And the boys too young anyway. :p
     
  4. N5638J

    N5638J Guest

    my kind of woman:D haha

    (goes back to watching one of his fav movies on USA called Blow staring johnny Depp)
     
  5. LadyLaraCroft

    LadyLaraCroft elfette

    I agree with Kodo. Do not be afraid to ask your husband or son - you have a right to know, and even if it is not your son, he will be exposed to it sooner or later, by accident or by friends...or whatever. Talk to him about it and be open...don't act embarrassed. Don't ignore it..and i promise you, it's normal. Just tell him what you know - that it can be harmful and addictive, and it's not...reality. Your son will look at these types of things for years, it's a part of growing up, and curiosity. But he will benefit from being informed. And don't be defensive with your husband. Ask him why...even if the answer is obvious or not. Getting jealous/angry/upset (even if you feel all these things, which believe me, I understand) will not help.

    good luck laurie :) *hugs*
     
  6. laurieB

    laurieB MajorGeek

     
  7. G.T.

    G.T. R.I.P February 4, 2007. You will be missed.

    Tell hubby what you found on the computer, and suggest that the TWO of you need to have a talk with your son. Assuming your husband has a functioning conscience, if it's him, he should own up at that point, and uncomfortable or not, you really don't want this going on unquestioned. Have that talk with him.

    If it IS your son, and you really don't want to be part of the conversation, you can always have second thoughts and leave it to Dad, although it would probably be better if both of you participate, since the basic topic is women, improper attitudes towards and expectations of, and you're the primary woman role model in your son's life. But that's up to you.
     
  8. laurieB

    laurieB MajorGeek

    i know your right gt. i just really want the answer before i ask the question though. dam it all. there i was happily tripping through my day. its not that I'm bothered by confrontation, its just the boundaries of privacy that concern me. which ever one it is is deleting it from the history, so they obviously don't want me to know. i think i might be more concerned if its hubby than the boy. although, judging from the response so far, I'm not the only one that thinks porn is destructive. PS thanks for the hug LLC.
     
  9. Wenchie

    Wenchie I R teh brat

    It's hard Laurie... I had a 5 year relationship destroyed by the stuff, and as a result I will not allow it in my household and am likely to dump anyone who i catch with it because of how much it hurt to be ignored and neglected over freaking pixels and newsprint when I was flesh and blood and right there... It causes a stygmatism to your self esteem that does not easily wear off. But you need to know the truth either way and TELL him how you feel. If you don't, you just have to live with the consequences and I can tell you it goes from bad to all encompasing...

    I love you to pieces but grow a spine. It's your LIFE.
     
  10. N5638J

    N5638J Guest

    sounds like someone needs a hug....
    i think wenchie is right you need to get this out in the open and talk about it noone likes to but its the thing to do.
     
  11. omnihilo

    omnihilo Private E-2

    Well those ordinary women should be trying harder. ;)

    I kid, I kid.

    It's a touchy subject. Ignoring it would probably be the worst choice. If it's the son, I think you both should sit him down and talk to him about how there's nothing wrong with being curious or interested in the subject, but that the way it is often portrayed on the internet is very superficial and sometimes demeaning..to men and to women. It will be impossible for you to stop him from looking at it, trust me..he'll find a way, the best thing is just to try and make sure he's as educated as possible about what's being represented there.

    If it's your husband, then it really just depends on what kind of relationship you two want to have. You can try to cut him off, which might cause resentment, you could try to share the experience with him, which can bring a relationship closer (though admittedly isn't for everyone), or you can ask why he feels the need to look at it and go from there.

    Just my two cents :)
     
  12. laurieB

    laurieB MajorGeek


    I've been married for twenty three years. i already know my hubby likes porn. i get the impression most men do. I've tried to 'share it' but after a while it just turned me off. we have a close relationship and a good friendship and i would be furious if i thought he was checking up on where I've been on the puter, although I've nothing to hide. if it doesn't affect our relationship, is it any of my business? i think i need to talk to my son anyway as even if its not him, the chances are he is going to explore this subject at some point anyway. the bottom line of course is that it is MY puter. bought and paid for with my own money, so i don't feel guilty about 'cutting him off'. (have to laugh...the vision of Bobbit came to mind)
     
  13. LadyLaraCroft

    LadyLaraCroft elfette

    Yes, trying to ignore it will cause resentment. If it's the husband and you don't bring it up and discuss it with him, he will keep doing it, and if you keep finding it again and again, it won't calm your nerves. Even if it's not him, talk to him about it...but you don't have to if you don't like. Sometimes the guy ends up defensive, or the girl, and you haven't really gotten anywhere. Yes, most guys do like porn; you're not alone in your situation Laurie...there are sooooo many people feeling the way you are now. There's a new book out about Pornography, I was reading a little bit of it the other week. Incredibly interesting. and sad, of course.

    Just so you know Laurie, I had a similar experience a few days ago, except I know who was looking at it. I've chosen not to bring it up. Which, I'm not really sure if it was ok. I will bring it up when i feel comfortable enough. Not going to rush into things. and yea, it hurts. @the hug - no problem :)

    As for the whole privacy issue...well, it'd be different if you went to someone else's house and found porn on their computer. But..this is your family. possibly your husband, the person you love and share intimate moments with...you have the right to discuss it with him.
     
  14. laurieB

    laurieB MajorGeek

    i think what I'm gonna do is wait until we're in bed and he's in a good mood so to speak. that way maybe we can have this conversation without me sounding accusatory. there is something to be said for 'womanly wiles'. i can then tell him upfront that i intend to change the admin passwords and why. if its my son then i can discuss with my hubby how to deal with it without being hypocritical, and as I've said, we need to have this conversation anyway as he is definitely 'that age'.
     
  15. G.T.

    G.T. R.I.P February 4, 2007. You will be missed.

    Sounds like a plan. Hope it goes well for all concerned.
     
  16. ANHEDONIC

    ANHEDONIC Will Title For Food

    (assuming it's your son doing the viewing)

    as a relatively young guy (23) i can tell you that if my mom had ever confronted me about such a topic at that age i would have felt alot of embarassment, disgust, and uneasiness over the whole thing... i'd say it's best left up to the hubby but i'm not one to tell anyone how to raise their children/discipline them...

    he might feel very uncomfortable around you for a short while if you do discuss this wish him knowing in the back of his head "mom knows i was looking at obscene stuff"....

    just remember not to overreact... look at pornography as alcohol... some people engage in it in moderation and don't let it intefere with their normal functioning/relationships... while other people are capable of over-indulging, becomming obsessed or fixated on it, and allowing it to interfere with their lives... in accordance with this, you need focus on the particular level of use of this vice and dwell less on it as a whole...
     
  17. Tourangh

    Tourangh Master Sergeant

    With your son if it is him, I would be nice to him since it is normal to be curious. Dont be too hard on him but tell him he should stop. If it gets repetitive you should get stricter.
     
  18. laurieB

    laurieB MajorGeek

    they say curiosity killed the cat. i cant help wanting to know where my puter has been and how far this has gone. is it illegal/immoral to hack into your own puter? if not someone pm me and tell me how. i want to know if there is another email account, and if so whats in it.
     
  19. BoredOutOfMyMind

    BoredOutOfMyMind Picabo, ICU


    Plenty of nasty virus and worms out there that look like pr0n attachements. Curiousity can kill a machine!
     
  20. laurieB

    laurieB MajorGeek


    which is of course a good enough reason in of itself to put a stop to it.

    many thanks for all the replies guys.
     
  21. evilevets

    evilevets Sergeant Major

    Do this,

    Lie and say that somebody accidentaly deleted some important work stuff of yours, and your really upset about it. To make sure it doesn't happen again, tell husband and kid that you're going to create an individual account for each family member, that way no-one can accidentally delete any of your work stuff.

    Create a seperate user account for your son and one for your husband, even let them create their own passwords. You continue to use the Admin account. Wait a couple of days, and then while logged in as Administrator, go to C:\Documents and Settings\"your husband or sons userneame\Local Settings (make sure "show hidden files" is set). Now look in the History, Temp, Temporary Internet Files folders. Set view to "Thumbnail". If you see boobs, then theres your perv!

    If it's your son, don't say anything because like someone else said, he'll be majorly embarressed. Just restrict his IE settings, and don't even tell him you did (I doubt he's gonna complain about it).

    If it's your husband, go easy on him. We're guys, and we all like to look at that stuff. It's just a fact of life.


    Thats what I would do, anyway.


    -Steve
     
  22. Lev

    Lev MajorGeek

    You will never ovecome deceit by using deceit. I don't believe this to morally be the correct approach either since the whole issue is about morals and ethics. (IMHO)
     
  23. evilevets

    evilevets Sergeant Major

    Whatever you want to call it. Like she said, it's her computer that she bought with her money.

    Don't lie then. Just tell them you want seperate user accounts for everyone in the family, and if they ask why, just tell them you're worried that any of your important work stuff could get deleted and this is the safest way to protect you data. I don't know tell them anything, but this would probably be the only way to narrow it down.

    There are times when lying is justified- protection of your property and finding out who is misuisng it should qualify as one of those times.


    -Steve
     
  24. Sasquatch77

    Sasquatch77 MajorGeek

    Block...it`s one thing if the hubby looks...he`s an adult eh? I`d have hubby talk to the boy too...having been an adolescent(I think I was centuries ago)I know I`d have been mortified if Ma had lectured me on the evils(heh heh heh) of pornography. It`s perfgectly natural for him to be curious but he`s a tad young for it. You can always block and having admin authority hubby could still access with a password.
     
  25. Phantom

    Phantom Brigadier Britches

    Well you can install a key-logger program, with separate accounts if you want to do it clandestinely. But I've always though that honesty is imperative in any meaningful relationship, especially in a marriage. Never let things build up and fester – makes for some very bad consequences when the bubble does eventually burst.

    But it would far better to be polite, but up-front in making your husband that you are aware it's going on, and it is unacceptable to you, wether it's him, your son or both that's the culprit. Honesty, a.s.a.p. is nearly always the best policy. Let them know that there movements can be checked- always a good deterrent, LoL!

    I was brought up on an age (and I'm about your age (a tad younger, LoL!), the kind of thing that is seen every night on late night television would have been almost unthinkable and outrageous. There is much more exposure to explicit and immoral/improper actins and words, nowadays, often to the moral detriment of the young., i.m.o.

    Personally, I have standards and boundaries I will not go beyond - at all, ever - end of story. Not just for anyone else's benefit, but for my own personal integrity. Okay, so I'm old-fashioned like that. But one has to have their own framework set of moral references, i.m.h.o.
     
  26. mcadam

    mcadam Major Amnesia

    I'll keep it short as most people have written mini-essays.
    It says do not view the content if under 18/21.
    If it's your husband, have a little chinwag (chat) if it persists. If it's not him, see if it keeps happening then have a chinwag (yes it's my word for chat lol) with him, tell him it's not right and a waste of time in my opinion lol, and if it keeps happening then block it.
    That's what I'd do :)
     
  27. Colemanguy

    Colemanguy MajorGeek

    I would recommend not to use any sort of monitoring/spy software as a good relationship is built on trust and once that type of software comes into play its a big can of worms. Other then that no real advice for you.
     
  28. Lev

    Lev MajorGeek

    I have to strongly disagree with that statement. Lying is a personal choice, but not a justifiable one.

    No dig at you Steve......I just have a very deep belief on this one and couldn't let this comment slip out without addressing it ;)
     
  29. evilevets

    evilevets Sergeant Major

    Again...

    It's HER computer. SHE paid for it. SHE is ultimately responsible for how it is used.

    Before she goes confronting anyone, it's best to get the facts, i.e; WHO to confront. If it's the husband, the son doesn't need to, and frankly shouldn't know.

    There is nothing sneaky or dishonest about monitoring or checking up on computer usage. Call it cleaning house.

    As a matter of housekeeping, I delete all cookies, temp files, etc at least once a week. Are you saying that if I delete these files and DON'T close my eyes or turn my head while doing it then I'm being dishonest or prying or ruining trust? If I happen to see something that would indicate what someone else was doing on MY computer, that makes me a bad person?

    Come on! Personally, I think it's best to get the facts before you go accusing anyone, and if that means tracking your computer usage, I don't see what the big deal is!

    Heres the other thing, if you don't investigate a little first, when confronted junior might point the finger at dad, and dad might point the finger back at junior. Then what?


    -Steve
     
  30. Colemanguy

    Colemanguy MajorGeek

    House keeping isn't spying.
     
  31. laurieB

    laurieB MajorGeek


    no it isnt. and thats exactly how i found out. cleanup lists the things that it is deleting and perchance i caught sight of some of it.

    ive changed the password on the content advisor, deleted all the iffy files in the approved site list (and there were loads!) but is that enough?
     
  32. Colemanguy

    Colemanguy MajorGeek

    I also want to clarify my stance on this if you would allow me to say, I totally agree with your right to do all of this but, am saying that I would be open about it first, then if they don't fuss up or be honast with you about it then you go for monitoring type software. But thats just my humble opinon.
     
  33. Colemanguy

    Colemanguy MajorGeek

    Also something I keep thinking of that works well for many families is to put the computer in a public place in the house if possible. I mean like the living room or such where they wouldn't be alone with the pc to do any sort of things you don't approve of. Also might look here as this would prevent the reg edit attack I mentioned www.winguides.com/registry/display.php/190/
     
  34. Lev

    Lev MajorGeek

    Laurie...a thought crossed my mind I just wanted to run by you before you ask/accuse anyone in your family. Is there anyone else who might have access to your PC? Does your son have friends round who might have been viewing this stuff when even your son was in the room to know about it?

    Just a thought. I once drew the 'obvious conclusion' about something and accused some one of something (haven't we all?) and got it so wrong. It took a while to repair the damage of that.

    Ass/u/me ...makes an ass out of u and me ;)
     
  35. laurieB

    laurieB MajorGeek

    the puter is in the living room. my son isn't often left alone, but it does happen. and yes it is possible that his friends would do this. but the more i think about it, the more i actually think its hubby, who often stays up far later than me. (i have to be up at six to get Jacob to school) i can weather the breach in trust, but i want it stopped. if he wants porn he can spend his own hard earned cash on it, or go somewhere else to view it. i am not the jealous type and do not fear being replaced. we have gone through far to much together including two separations. i know he loves me absolutely,
    and values me and all i am. i think temptation and ease of access is more to blame then disregard for my feelings. as these entries were being deleted from the history folders, i am assuming that he didn't think i would ever know.
     
  36. bigbazza

    bigbazza R.I.P. 14/12/2011 - Good Onya Geek

    The times that the iffy files were created may give you some idea as to who created them. That is, if you have someway of monitoring, who and when, were on your PC. This might be able to be done by casual observation, rather than keystroke logging. Where is your PC located, lounge room, bed room, rumpus room, TV room ?
    Making it more visible, to all the family, may cut down on Pron activities. Bazza
    ===

     
  37. Halbibabe

    Halbibabe Private E-2

    I myself came out of an addiction to porno from my army days.I feel why have that kind of temptation in your home.

    We pay to have a filter from www.familyconnect.com and only my wife has the password. To me $4.95 a month is worth not hurting ,or offending my wife.
    My older boys try to check out certain sites but the filter blocks the porno ones.LaurieB you know what you need to do just do it.
     
  38. Rikky

    Rikky Wile E. Coyote - One of a kind

    I'm lucky enough to be single,I think its the way I dance [​IMG]and I can look at all the porn I want ,but nearly every single one of my male friends in relationship or marriage look at or own some kind of porn,I think its totally normal,and yes they do anything to hide it from thier partners which I guess only adds to the excitement of looking at it

    JMHO,Aloha!
     
  39. ANHEDONIC

    ANHEDONIC Will Title For Food

    Put a filter on the computer and get him a subscription to Playboy... much classier pornography and it's limited to one mag a month...
     
  40. Adrynalyne

    Adrynalyne Guest

    Encouraging porn is not fixing the problem!

    Thats no different than the parents who allow drinking to minors, if its only at home. that doesn't make it right, ever. In addition, it does nothing to fix, or remedy anything.
     
  41. Rikky

    Rikky Wile E. Coyote - One of a kind

    Thats where I disagree,I dont see it as a problem,boys will be boys,when boys reach puberty they are gonna wanna have sex its just nature and they will one way or another have to satisfy thier urges,at that time of life interacting with the opposite sex is tricky to say the least "hell it still is lol :D " and apart from that the responsibilities of a safe sexual relationship are too much for someone of that age to understand

    Saying that I would be very warey of him using the internet theres just too much obscene stuff out there and I would indeed put a block on it,which he will find a way around,you will have to stay one step ahead or outright just tell him he cant

    Aloha!
     
  42. Adrynalyne

    Adrynalyne Guest

    Its one thing if the child, and let us not forget, he is a YOUNG child, is 16+, its quite another when they are 13. I don't advocate porn for any children.
     
  43. Rikky

    Rikky Wile E. Coyote - One of a kind

    agreed,I remember being that age and thinking my moms cosmo mags were the most erotic thing ever,I think guys just make do with whatever they can get thier hands on,I dont think supplying porn will help the situation he will get it himself whatever you do :confused:
     
  44. omnihilo

    omnihilo Private E-2



    Well, you know, there are some people who don't think that porn is a problem. Lots of them, in fact. One might even say the majority of normal people on the planet (and by normal I mean the kind of people who don't fly planes into buildings or rant about how immoral homosexuality is. Those people are weeeeeeird.)
     
  45. Adrynalyne

    Adrynalyne Guest

    Are you saying if lots of people jump off a cliff, you will too?

    Guess I am not a follower ;)
     
  46. omnihilo

    omnihilo Private E-2

    Hah. Well, if jumping off of a cliff in moderation were a healthy activity, I certainly wouldn't be quick to judge others for partaking in it. Perhaps I'm just a "live and let live" kind of guy.
     
  47. Adrynalyne

    Adrynalyne Guest

    I guess I never considered porn a healthy activity.

    Lets see:

    Does it increase your health?
    Does it strengthen your relationships?
    Does it make you smarter?

    I think the original idea was that masturbation was perfectly healthy and normal, not pornography. :eek:
     
  48. quirk

    quirk Corporal

    wow, you can definitely tell that porn does get attention. This seems to be a popular thread, and I don't think arguing morality will help laurieb. Is pornography a value increaser? not for most people. We're a society of degenerates who are lucky to find a life-partner of 23 years. Do what is best for your family, and you'll see many more happy years. GL
     
  49. omnihilo

    omnihilo Private E-2


    Does it decrease your health, or that of others?

    I've known people whose relationships were most definitely strengthened through porn. I've also known people whose relationships were destroyed by it..though to be fair, their relationships were weak and if it hadn't been porn, it would have been destroyed eventually anyway. So I'm going to have to give that one a big ol' "Depends on the people."

    And man, I've certainly learned a thing or two from porn! I didn't even know some of those positions were possible. So I would say that it can certainly be educational and thus make you smarter. I'd also go so far as to say that in many cases, those who've watched porn have a better idea on what might please their partner, or are at least more open to new experiences and willing to try new things. I suppose for some people straight missionary with the lights off is perfectly adequate, and more power to them. Others, though, like to spice things up a bit once in a while, and porn is a great way to do that, or get ideas on how to do that.

    And maybe that was your original idea. Personally, I'd just hate to see this country turn into another Afghanistan, but it seems like there are more and more people popping up who are delighted to judge others simply because they don't like a particular activity or can't see the value in it. There's something to be said for valuing the freedom of others' to engage in activities I might not like. At one point, this country was even founded on that belief.
     
  50. Adrynalyne

    Adrynalyne Guest

    Wow...

    I think quirk summed it up nicely. If the topic of porn being deemed imoral is moving us towards being an Afghanistan - type of country...

    I think you need to re-evaluate some of your ideas there. A lot.
     

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