I feel stressed so much! I need to vomit!

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by EXOX3, Sep 25, 2006.

  1. EXOX3

    EXOX3 Staff Sergeant

    Hey Guys,

    Well kylie has gone up top to the shops to have a coffee with her mother at 9, its now 10:34 and she aint back yet, my guts turning with just worry I think, I am getting shaky, its shocking!

    I dunno, I hope all is well, but I am also afraid of things that 'Will Not' be said, that really need to, but I hold faith in kylie, she said she will, I am just afraid her mother will not listen too much into it, see kylies step sister is coming up thursday and well, my gut tells me this is all coming to a head now becuase some people want to patch things up as quick as possible ready for her step sisters arrival, so it appears all happy and all, and if I get angry and/or upset, I am going to look like I am upstarting!

    But my head tells me, or I am atleast trying to convince myself that things are coming to a head so it all gets fixed, if that doesn't happen, they can just F.O!

    Kylie wrote a letter to her mum, because her mother was being a bit immature and wrote cards, and dropped the first one off, sent the second, so kylie wrote a 6 page letter that was pretty brutal, with the way she feels and how she is sick of it, but she didn't get to send it becuase her mother ended up ring, and the coffee uptop got organised!

    Things that really FMO! are the fact that the day we told her step father that she was pregnant, her step father said "That was good ****ing timing then, wasn't it", then spoke to kylie about me, while I was sitting their, didn't even acknowledge me! then her mum backed him up!!! that made me hate them!

    Second thing to get my back up, is less than an hour after birth, I rang HER parents first, and told them what happened, NO congratulations, no nothing, Just "How did you kylie get there!", "Are you serious!!", "We`ll be up there shortly!"...

    Then when they arrived, her mother and stepfather came in, her stepfather sat down and her mother closed the door, then in a threatening voice started interrogating kylie. "I am going to ask you just once, and depending on the answer I`ll be leaving!!!", basically they cracked the shits that THEY didn't take us in there, and that!!!

    Thing is, it was OUR frigging moment! Our Time, her mother was cracking the shits over that!

    Fukit! Now I am angry too! I gotta wind down!! Alot of whats happened is going through my head working me right up!

    Dave
     
  2. laurieB

    laurieB MajorGeek

    o.k. cool down.

    the first thing is that your partners relationship with her mom is her problem, and her mothers responsibility, neither of which has anything to do with you.

    believe me, i have vast experience in this field. my own mother will never win any parenting awards, and when i first got together with my hubby being nasty to and about him was simply another way to get at me. through many MANY years of patience and diplomacy, my hubby has not only gained her respect, but, to some extent, can act as intermediary between us. you need to concentrate on two things only.....

    be there for your partner IRRESPECTIVE of where YOU think the fault lies.

    do not allow THEIR poison to enter in to your dealings with them or allow it to color the way you view yourself.

    as for her sister....the same applies. treat her with the utmost dignity and aloha that you can manage.

    i dont know how old you are, or your partner, but be prepared for the long haul, as in my case things are just as difficult now as they have ever been, and i am FIFTY and my mum seventy something.

    good luck!!
     
  3. Vonnie

    Vonnie Sergeant

    Only thing I will add to what LaurieB said is to trust your Kylie.
    I bet she knows how to handle her people very well.
    Take care of yourself and Kylie and the baby and let the in laws take care of themselves :) We are rooting for ya.
     
  4. EXOX3

    EXOX3 Staff Sergeant

    Hi Lauri,

    WOW, I`m calmer now, just went for a walk, Kylie's been back and gone back up to do bills, my mother arrived with my younger brother so we couldn't talk, will have to wait till she gets back at 1, to find out what was said!

    The thing is, it has 'Everything' to do with me, Kylie & I are a 'Family', they disrespect both of us!

    I`ve had problems with my parents in the past, but they didn't once, not a single occasion, dis-respect Kylie or who she was, kylie's parents have even accused me of 'Stealing' to get me out of there house!

    That's how bad it has gotten at one stage! I am too afraid to speak up because last time I did, which was the night we told her step father she was pregnant, Kylie's mum kept implying that I stop Kylie from visiting her parents, thing is, I was always on Kylie's back TO visit them, I had enough and asked me why suspect that, and told Kylie to speak up, be honest, and tell her mother what I usually say to her, I also said 'Family' is important, oh, that was it, her mother started going off like a messed up firecracker, "Don't talk to me about family, and tell me its most important, I grew up without a mother" she was crying by now and just rattled on! all because I stood up to her..

    Sometimes it feels retarded, but I am screwing her daughter, not her! but she treats me like crap, comes in and acts like she is taking over while she is here, and I sit there, biting my tongue till its ready to bleed! hoping Kylie says something, but in the past it has not happened, I just hope this talk hasn't given the impression everything's OK, and we're all HAPPY FAMILYS now, because it just doesn't work like that!

    When I have a problem with my parents, I`ll literally tell them to F.O, not in a disrespectful way, but in a 'Defensive' way, and I know all families do not have that type of relationship. but you have to stand up and defend, otherwise people won't stop walking over you! other people just have other ways of doing it, Kylie didn't have ANY way. Before?!

    All I did ask Kylie just before was, was anything said about me, Kylie just said her mother said I got to speak up! but it isn't between me and her, its between Kylie and her, I`m just the victim in between! and the fact that I am worried I`d be found responsible for a car accident or something because her mother goes off like a chook with its head cut off, if you even contemplate defending yourself with her, she will take off in the car like a MANIAC!!!

    It's difficult, I can see what you're saying Laurie, but there are differences, or maybe I am just different, I will NOT allow anyone to walk over my new family, and with relatives, they get only so much string to pull on, when it runs out, poooof!

    I trust Kylie, but when it comes to family, even I am guilty of falling for, whats the word, deceit? where they apologise, but its deja-vu later on, etc.

    Dave
     
  5. Lev

    Lev MajorGeek

    One thing I feel you need to accept in life, Luthius, and I say this kindly and for your own well-being. Worrying yourself to the point of near physical sickness is not going to change the outcome. You cannot change anything that is going down right now, so accept that the result is unlikely to be 100% in your favor. Life just doesn't often work that way. But whatever the things are that are difficult or unacceptable for you are new or ongoing challenges that you and Kylie will have to tackle. And they will make you stronger.

    Life never bumbles along without any issues once you get passed about the age of 10. I find it encouraging when life slaps me in the face, because at least then I know what the issue is I have to deal with. For you it is Kylie's family. Learn to embrace that and accept that you will just have to deal with the issues as they kick them up. Otherwise you will spend your life stressing about her parents and it will affect yours and her relationship in the long run :)
     
  6. laurieB

    laurieB MajorGeek

    it's not that i dont understand....it's that i DO. there is no 'sticking up for oneself' with my mother either!! she is a 'queens council' (some sort of posh lawyer) and she can destroy at fifty paces!! i have spent half my life fighting for a relationship with her, and the other half avoiding one. the chances are that your inlaws will never be 'easy', but you should be able to maintain civility even if they cant. yes your resposibility is with your partner and child, but apart from murder, you are stuck with this situation. YOU have a choice. you can try to be the (MUCH) bigger man, or you can add fuel to the fire and make it even worse. your poor wife cannot choose her parents, and, like it or not, to cut all ties just leads to more guilt, heartbreak, and supplies more ammo. do encourage your wife to visit her parents, but if asked you can reply ' i'm sorry but thats kylies business. please take it up with her.' above all....THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. you probably cannot mend this, but you sure as hell can make sure you dont make it worse.
     
  7. G.T.

    G.T. R.I.P February 4, 2007. You will be missed.

    Luthius, I'm tripping up over some of the Aussie phrases, but I get the idea. In my case, it was my father-in-law that was a jerk; it took a LONG time to win him over... long story I won't go into here. But I know something of how you feel.

    Even though they've been charging around like a bull in a china shop, I assume that they care about Kylie, otherwise they'd likely just shrug and say "whatever". Let me play devil's advocate for a bit, as you've seen mainly their anger and disappointment, and that has hurt, and has hurt your relationship with them.

    From what you've said, I gather that Kylie already had one baby, probably no marriage, and no committed father around to help support them. Day-to-day support, not just court ordered child support. Then you show up, you don't marry her either, and you two get pregnant. They're probably worried that you won't be around long-term either, which is a legitimate worry for parents. I know that the whole concept of actual marriage seems to have gone out of fashion, and that many marriages don't last all that long anyway, but marriage is a more firm commitment than just verbally saying that you'll be around. Parents care about that. Most of them care a lot. And about how good a man their daughter has hooked up with. And how well they'll do long terrm.

    Whether or not you two get married is strictly YOUR decision, but proving to them that you're steady, a good man, and that you intend to be there for the long haul will take time, and with their, um... lack of tact... it's not going to be an easy job.

    Very first thing... you and Kylie need to be on the same page as to how you want to treat the parents, how much to put up with, where to draw the line, and just what to DO about enforcing basic respectful behavior. If you two can't agree on and present a united front, you have far less chance of winning the respect and decent treatment that you want.

    Second thing, and most important when facing them, is to keep your cool. You won't wow them overnight, it will take time. It's important you tell, and long term, show them, that you love their daughter, and YOUR child, and that you intend to be there and do the best you can for them.

    You may never win their love, but they may come to respect you for what you are... if what you are is steady and solid. Since it's HER parents, Kylie will have to carry a fair amount of the job of keeping them in their place, but if/when you just have to say something, say it calmly and lay it out as logically as possible. And whenever possible, say it with Kylie, not by yourself. Yelling doesn't help, it makes it worse. Be as polite as possible, as much as possible, tough as that is, and when necessary, be firm without losing your cool.

    Take the long view, and remember that you're working on changing their minds over time. It likely will take time.
     
  8. Calltaker

    Calltaker MajorGeek

    I am probably the last person to be taling about relationships, but the last 3 and a half years have taught me a few things. Primary being that what yousaid is true, you and kylie are a family, and in that respect watching out for each other (even against your own families) is your business. I have to remind my mom of this now and again as well. I give you credit for blowing off your steam here, me, I would have gone in and slainly stated the facts and said that if they didn;t like it, to sit on it and rotate :)

    Thing is, find something that you can do that will ease off the tension a bit, be it breathing/meditation or going for a walk. You will find in the long run that it will a)make youa better person and b) kep the blood pressure down, decreasing the risk of a stroke at a young age.

    Best of luck to you man, and I did read the other post about the medical stuff, my best to you and yours man.

    Calltaker
     
  9. EXOX3

    EXOX3 Staff Sergeant

    @Laurie: I understand more where your coming from, it is difficult though, on a 'Frustration' front, I love Kylie with all my heart and sole, I am a lucky man to have such a loving partner, I thank my lucky stars each and everyday, whether I show it or not, I am sincere & will adapt.

    @Lev: I cannot seem to help it, it seems to consume me, I can take my mind off it, but deep inside my stomach still churns over the whole situation, I was fine until 10:04, then a feeling just came over me, like a 'scared' feeling in a way, mixed with disappointment and anger, which is why I wrote the topic, just to get it out of my system if anything, then I spent the next hour winding myself down, I have a MAJOR problem when it comes to letting things go, I let comments and all that slide by the wayside, but if something 'nasty' is said, I seem to grit my teeth on it, especially the comment that came out of her step fathers mouth the night we broke the news about Kylie being pregnant! I will be honest, I hate them for that, it cut deep, I hardly EVER cry, emotionally especially, but I had to walk out, it just hurt, it was very unexpected as well, then he and her mother talked about me while I was sitting right next to Kylie! I cannot seem to let go off that, and when stuff happens I seem to think of that and other things, which really ark me up, I dunno what to do about that, I cannot seem to control it.....

    @G.T: You have a good point of view, had me thinking about that as well, but it still doesn't put the 'pieces' together, sure at first they could have thought that and been very protective, but I`ve been with Kylie for 2 & 1/2 years, this is the second time we've been going out, but this time it is much more serious, honest and loving between us, yet it doesn't seem to be getting better, just worse. I have never yelled, I`ve always kept my calm in front of them and when I have seen them, I do not think I have done a single thing to ark the situation up, or give them fire power, even Kylie said that herself. But maybe your right in the defensive/protective side, Anthony's father took off as soon as he got Kylie pregnant, he is a complete deadbeat, drug addict, IMHO, so you may be right, and I am not being understanding enough, you have got me wondering, but if that is it, why should I keep trying to 'Prove' myself, when nothing seems to work, I have a child with Kylie, I am not going ANYWHERE, my fear is of loosing Kylie! not the other way around! part of me thinks they know that, because they have in the past tried to influence Kylie to have doubts, didn't work of course, but they did try.... Any suggestions/tips G.T?

    Also, as some of you know, I was imprisoned nearly 4 years ago for 5 months, and I met Kylie the week after I got out, Kylie has NEVER told her parents that I have been to prison, personally I don't that its anything to care about or any of there business, but I think Kylie is worried her mother may find out elsewhere and flip, what about I don't know, but to me I really feel its no ones business, it doesn't change or affect a single thing, I was imprisoned because of charges of fraud and at that stage of my life I was so depressed and getting physically sick, I just wanted it over and done with, pleaded guilty! It wasn't a child sex offence, or any other such rubbish.

    But this is my point, if Kylie did tell her mother, back then, the situation now, would be 100x worse, but its just uncalled for.

    Thanks for listening guys, really appreciate it, and I will take all your help to heart, and be more gentle about the whole problem in general, I am willing to try anything, and I don't want her mother out of her daughters life, that is not even an option, I just want the arguing, controlling and bickering to stop.

    Dave
     
  10. EXOX3

    EXOX3 Staff Sergeant

    Hi Laurie,

    Kylie and I have just recently moved in together, not married, I don't think we will ever get married, I don't have the confidence for that! :eek:

    Kylie knows my stance on this and reasoning, and is fine, although she would like the big wedding, I would need intensive care and basically on hand medic! :D

    Dave
     
  11. G.T.

    G.T. R.I.P February 4, 2007. You will be missed.

    Dave, if Kylie is anywhere near as committed to you as you are to her, you won't lose her. At most, her folks will annoy her enough to cause her to abandon THEM. My ex-wife did that to my son and his wife. My ex-wife has also alienated most of her own blood family; currently most of them have nothing to do with her. Some people and some situations are just not salvagable.

    All you can do is the best you can. If it gets to the point where the two of you do decide to cut them off, you'll have nothing to regret about it.

    Since we don't know any of the people involved except you, somewhat, the best we can offer is general advice; you guys will have to decide what fits, what helps, and ultimately, what you want to do with her family. For you and Kylie, the first obligation is to each other and your own kid(s). Extended family comes next, but not without limit. If they get to the point of harming YOUR family, it's time to push them away, at least until/unless they're willing to behave better. If you DO push them back, don't make it an irrevocable decision; leave the door open for them if and when they decide to behave more decently.

    I'd love to tell you some behavior or other would guarantee success, but not all situations work out "happily ever after", or anything like it. I wish you the best, however it plays out.
     
  12. G.T.

    G.T. R.I.P February 4, 2007. You will be missed.

    Old son, if you've got confidence enough to sire and commit to raising a kid and sticking with the mother and loving them both, you've got enough to get married. Those three points are exactly what marriage is about. A marriage ceremony is NOT going to be the scariest thing you'll have to face in your life. Trust me. Whether it's a "big" wedding, or something more modest, marriage is only a more formal declaration of what you've already been saying. If you really mean what you've been saying, marriage shouldn't scare you at all.
     
  13. EXOX3

    EXOX3 Staff Sergeant

    Thanks G.T!

    I have faith that kylie is with me, she is definitely the opposite of every other girlfriend I have had, alot les head (censored) when it comes to between us!!

    Kylie is also starting to even suprise me in her handling of things, she seem to be getting much more upfront and to the point, instead of holding back and cowering down, and I admire + respect that! I really do!

    I am not innocent, and have started arguments with kylie regarding this situation in the past, blaming her indirectly! becuase my temper has gotten the best of me, so I just get into a bad mode and blame her, I am lucky enough to have a woman that understands and puts up with that alone!

    EDIT: G.T: It isn't the marriage thing that scares me, I am all for that, its the 'Attention' that really scares me, I have crowd phobia, basically when alot of people are around, I start getting aggitated and, I dunno the word, but thats what scares me, I couldn't go do a shotgun wedding, that wouldn't be right towards kylie, I will have to train for a wedding though, being serious, really dedicate and train for it, so I don't faint or ruin it.
     
  14. G.T.

    G.T. R.I.P February 4, 2007. You will be missed.

    Well, if she wants a big wedding, and you can't take the big crowds, talk with her about some compromise that you can both live with. Weddings come in all shapes and sizes, and can be smaller and still be really nice. It's certainly an all or nothing proposition.
     
  15. EXOX3

    EXOX3 Staff Sergeant

    I would love to give her the wedding she desires, she definitely deserves it from me, but my biggest fear about it all, is fainting, it was the same at Jonas birth, even the nurse didn't quickly grab me, I would have went arse over tit, I was a second off from it.

    Its is a confidence issue for the marriage though, I just don't have it, I can work myself up the courage, but how it plays out is anyone's guess, I have heard a swift whisky apparently settles the nerves, if I was to have a wedding I would make sure it was good enough to melt kylie! :)
     
  16. insamaic

    insamaic Guest

    You worry alot Luthius.... nearly as much as me! :O
     
  17. laurieB

    laurieB MajorGeek

    now you're p*ss*ng me off. grow up. we are not talking weddings....we are talking marriage. either you want to be part of this womans life....or you dont. what on earth do you mean 'i cant help it' ? none of this is about YOU.
     
  18. laurieB

    laurieB MajorGeek

    a bit harsh maybe. sorry. this conversation has split between familial responsibilities, and ' to do, or not to do'. neither of which is the issue. if you love her....make her your wife. if you do not love her enough for that to be a forgone conclusion...leave.
     
  19. EXOX3

    EXOX3 Staff Sergeant

    Laurie,

    WTF? The topic at hand isn't about me, it's the way I am feeling and what to do, the wedding thing came up between me and G.T as a side topic! Grow Up?

    Hmmm, I dunno what to say to that, if I cannot express how I feel and what I am thinking, then what is the point?

    I think you have taken something said out of context or looked too far into it, my mood has changed alot since I originally posted the topic, so the way I am writing is also!

    My point of view is the wedding/marriage, I am looking at it from the get go, I`m 25, not 55, nor have I ever had a serious relationship like I am in now! Loving her isn't even a question, if you knew me personally and were here with us, you would see.

    "I" am trying to explain things as clear as possible, and put the situation into some form of context, which is hard to begin with, I am not explaining everything becuase its near impossible, some things have to be seen to be explain.

    I am sorry I do not please your way of thinking, everyone is diffirent, I think I am looking at things from a very diffirent angle to you, which is why I posted the topic originally to get opinions, not personally attacked.

    Hmmm, I`m off guys, had enough, Thanks for all your help and opinions, TTYAL

    Dave
     
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2006
  20. EXOX3

    EXOX3 Staff Sergeant

    Update for Lev, G.T

    Kylie and I have had a talk, basically it seems that things were sorted out, and the bottom line is things will be changed from now on, in a good way, while still maintaining that contact/relationship.

    I am completely fine with that, like you all said I need to be the better man, and be more lenient basically with "My" handling of the matter, so I am going to treat everything like a clean slate from now on and see how it works out.

    Getting worked up like I did this morning when I didn't even know what was actually happening at that point in time will have to stop, otherwise like you said, I will add fuel to the fire, and I really don't want to be responsible for anything like that.

    Thanks for your help and support guys, appreciate it!

    Dave
     
  21. Lev

    Lev MajorGeek

    Hey Luthius...see what I meant in my first post on this thread? *grins*. What will happen will happen - you can;t change it, but you can work through the bits you don't like. It won't be 100% sorted how you want it, but it sure sounds like it has come darn close :D

    I admire your stance on taking a clean slate. It is very hard to do, but it is very worthwhile in retaining friendships and relationships. Seriously, we weren't put here on this planet to just flip people off when we disagree with them. We have to work issues through and come to at least a happy compromise wherever possible.

    The marriage/wedding thing? Keep working at it...it is just one day in your life; a day that can bring awesome happiness into the rest of your life. If you love Kylie as much as you say, you will work at it. If she loves you as much as she says, she will compromise too. To deny both of you the joy of marriage because you feel you would be stealing something from her by not giving her a "big day" would actually be stealing far more from her (and yourself) than you could ever possibly imagine. Hang in there and work at it :)
     
  22. laurieB

    laurieB MajorGeek

    so sorry. you caught me in a bad minute. my brother is over and him and hubby were having a really stupid argument about nothing. like a couple of two year olds. both of course are looking to me to take 'their' side. i got really angry with both of them. it spilled over to you.
    once again sorry
     
  23. EXOX3

    EXOX3 Staff Sergeant

    No Problem Laurie, you had me asking myself what I did wrong, I though something else was up, I just wasn't game to say anything! :eek: :)

    @Lev, Thanks :) I have taken all suggestions and recommendations on board, all of you put things into a better perspective, I was looking at it from a much different angle, because I was letting it get to me and upset the apple cart, now everything makes much more sense since I`ve calmed right down, taken deep breaths and re-read this whole topic.

    And yes you were right! :p Spot on!
     
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2006

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