Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC?

As summer approaches, I have read a piece of news that Connecticut Better Business Bureau urges parents to thoroughly prepare their children before allowing them to spend time unsupervised on the Internet. I really get a big headache about this. As busy working parents, we have little time to stay around my kid while he is surfing the Internet. He especially likes to make friends in the social networks. I am so worried that he might be instigated to do something illegal that I wanna put parental monitoring software on his computer to monitor all his online activities. I don't mean to pry into his privacy. Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC?

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

Why does he need to know?

My daughter's machines are all monitored.

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

This is a judgement call that you as the parent have to make in my opinion. Every child is different. Every child/parent relationship is different. You should trust your gut feeling on this. If he is making friends online and is intent on doing so, he may find ways around you no matter what you do. A healthy relationship with your son will outdo any security measures.

Good luck
ps, both of my kids machines are monitored.

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

Side note: windows 8 child protection would be very difficult to bypass or undo. It is integrated into the user account and the configuration is not local to the machine.

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

I'm no better than any other parent, and I hope this doesn't sound judgemental, as that's NOT my intent. My intent is to share another perspective for you to consider; if it works for you...fantastic, please consider it; if it does not, feel free to disregard. Either way, you are the parent of your child and who is in a better position to decide what is right in your family?

In MY family, a child's "right" to privacy is severely trumped by MY RESPONSIBILITY as a parent to maintain their safety. IMO, you should keep on eye on their online activities, just as much as you should keep an eye on them playing in the yard. Conversely, you are the parent, and it is your RIGHT, if not your JOB, to "pry" into their privacy on an as-needed basis until you are satisfied they're able to handle life's situations appropriately, or until 18...whichever comes first. From a legal perspective, your child is underage and you have every right to monitor the activity of your child, on your computer, using your internet, in your house. Everything is YOURS...although the child is allowed to enjoy those things as privileges earned. My children are now 17, 19 & 23, and for the most part...we have had only minor incidents from internet surfing. At this point, they mostly run free in the internet cyberworld, with occassional online reminders from me, such as "do you think it's a good idea to ask who's hiring online, when you're Facebook friends with your boss?"

With that said, I understand you want to foster a healthy and trusting relationship with your child, as it should be. But at the youthful age I suspect your child is at, the biggest concern should be their safety, and they should know you consider THAT as the MOST IMPORTANT thing of their online experience and will do WHATEVER IS NECESSARY to preserve and protect that.

Sit down with them on the computer and do some web surfing together, with your child working the controls. Teach them how to spot "spoofs" and "phishing" scams; teach them "netiquette" and discuss what they're interested in doing on the internet (hint: it's nearly ALL social-related!); discuss talking to strangers...we don't do it in the real world, and we certainly don't do it ONLINE...if we don't already know them in the real world, we aren't online friends!!! Think of it as teaching them to ride a bike and you are there to ensure they can operate with training wheels (or if you're "old school" to catch a fall before they learn their balance on 2 wheels). Another analogy I used with my children is to NOT do anything online they wouldn't do face-to-face. When presented with an online scenario, I wanted them to ask themselves "would I be willing to tell my grandmother what I did on the computer today?" If the answer was yes, they're probably okay; if the answer was no, they should probably follow their gut and NOT do it. Lastly, I told them neither of us are perefect and that I would be installing Parental Software (K-9 was the best option I found) to keep them safe in the moments when either of us make a mistake.

In MY house, with MY children, this worked as well as can be expected, recognizing that nothing is 100%. There WILL be slip-ups in the software until you get it tweaked appropriately; they WILL figure out how to investigate controlled sites from other devices (cell phones and/or game consoles with wifi and web capability) and you will have to learn how to block internet access (or blacklist the MAC of their device) to the device that has breached your security, forcing them back to the computer you have configured (restricted internet is way better than no internet to children!). Eventually, they may figure out how to gain access from the homes of unsupervised friends...perhaps something as simple as spending the night and the friend saying "check this out" about a website.

It's in the nature of children to push the boundaries and go beyond, and they WILL seek the path of least resistance. In today's world, it's impractical to keep them OFF these technologies (unless you're Amish...and I've seen the Amish do some pretty stupid things on the internet when they're in their late teens and allowed a "wild period" before re-committing to that lifestyle). But at least you will have done everything you're supposed to do as a parent, including mentoring as well as protection and/or discipline. And hopefully the lessons will have sufficiently stuck with them to keep them as safe as can be once they figure out how to circumvent. And unless you're moving to a third-world country with limited access to these technologies, that's the BEST you can hope for!

Good luck deciding how to navigate these issues!

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

They kid will know the minute they are denied access to certain websites... just like at school or if the antivirus scans catches the monitor as an infection, then you have to explain everything.

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

Maybe I think he has the right to know in case to consider of his feelings.

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

Hi, thanks very much for your honestly reply.
As a parent, we need to think too much from kid to teenager and then adult. We do our best to protect them and give them a safe living environment, but sometimes they are not understanding that's why I ask this question here. Like foogoo says, if he finds out one day, will he show me emotional response?
If I don't tell him, I must in dire need of a monitoring software that will not be detected, how?where?

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

I think this depends on a child's age. If he(she) is old enough to understand what such software is, then we should tell them - they have rights to know that they are under control.

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

I would respectfully disagree with those who think children have a "right" to know, as I completely agree they're not fully capable of understanding why. With that said, I do think you should tell them what you're doing and why. It's not a debate, it's just the courtesy of an honest disclosure. If you do what I suggested works for me, it's a natural process. In my house, privileges are EARNED (as opposed to given) based on responsibilities assumed; internet privileges were earned as a result of responsbile web-surfing behavior, as ensured by the parental content software. It really is a natural "flow" if presented properly. And as someone else suggested, they're already familiar with this at school, public libraries, etc... I hadn't thought of that before, but it's true. They'll figure it out quickly...might as well collect parental honesty points and disclose up front!

I don't envy your position, as I remember agonizing over these decisions just 10 short years ago. FWIW, you just can't keep them OFF the internet in today's world...it isn't practical or realistic. And if you can't keep them off, you might as well teach them how to be SAFE online, and ensure their safety as much as possible with parental controls. It's not a debate, it's a disclosure of "this is what I'm doing, and this is why...if you want this privilege, this is the responsibility that goes with it...if you shirk one, you lose BOTH".

As to software, most ISP providers such as Verizon, Century Link, Comcast, etc... have a suite of parental control software. After much research, I decided that K9 Web Protection was best for my family. It was the right mix of user-configurability, and allowed me to tweak different settings for each of my 3 children. For instance, I allowed the 13 year old to chat with friends on AIM; the 7 year old was NOT allowed to chat PERIOD!!! K9 allowed this. For instance, as Facebook became popular, AIM fell to the wayside; eventually, the oldest wanted less restrictions on Facebook because they could "handle it", which triggered the opportunity for me to say "okay, let me see your Facebook friends list", at which point I was able to question "how do you know Irina from Russia? Seems like someone forgot the rule about making new friends on the internet!" A few days later, he approached me again with the proposition to check his Facebook, as he had cleaned out all the friends he didn't know in the real world. I agreed to loosen K9 a little, on an ongoing trial basis, with the caveat that I would be performing random "spot checks" of internet activity to verify his assertion that he was capable of more responsibility and, therefore, more privilege. FWIW, he wasn't perfect...there were a few regressions, with opportunities to correct, and I feel like I got the best outcome I could hope for. If it helps, don't think of it as "parental control" software, think of it as "internet safety training for children" software! It may be available here on MG. If not, here's a link to their website:

http://www1.k9webprotection.com/

Again, as a matter of clarification, I'm not holding myself up as someone who has all the answers, as every family is different. Maybe I'm suffering from delusions that my actions caused this, when in reality, I just got lucky. I'm just here to say "this is what I did, and I'm happy with the outcome" nearly 10 years later. Good luck deciding how you want to handle this tricky situation!

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

Not in my house they don't.

I tell my daughter, but out of courtesy. It is not her right to know. I bought her machines, I feed and clothe her. I am in control until such time she pays rent and buys her own things, or moves out.

That might sound mean, but it really isn't. It is a clear sense of who is the boss.

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

Agreed!

It's inevitable that children and adults will butt heads; pushing the boundaries is part of growing up...it's inevitable and it's to be expected. When they have pushed too far in my house, and haven't taken my cues that I'm not budging on their perceived crisis, my response typically goes something like this:

"It sounds to me that you think I'm not doing a very good job of being your parent and that you think you could do better than me. Your ambition is admirable but, unfortunately, that position is filled in THIS house. The good news is...I hear there are opportunities in other households...feel free to check them out; but as long as you remain in THIS house, you WILL abide by OUR rules. If you don't like them, feel free to start your own household and make your own rules."

Might sound harsh, but I've got a 19 and 23 year old still living at home (both done with school, and both working FT jobs) with no end in sight. Must not be too unbearable?! :-D

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

“If it helps, don't think of it as "parental control" software, think of it as "internet safety training for children" software!”
Very appreciatively! My son is 12 now and I think he knows much about online rules, just a bit hard to control himself. After reading your suggestions, I think I should do something right now. I have heard K9, but is it a software that can only limit internet access, not for remote monitoring?

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

They are out of the age for you to control, right?:-D

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

I'm not sure what you mean by "remote monitoring"...if you're talking about viewing what they see (in real time) from another desktop, no it does not "remote monitor". I'm not aware of ANY parental control software that does, as that feature involves "X desktop forwarding"; look into remote assistance software for that, such as Teamviewer or similar offerings. However, while that will allow for "real time monitoring", it offers no configurability for "safe sites", restricted usage hours, etc... If you're not remotely monitoring when they're web surfing, you missed it.

If you're talking about a log history that can be accessed, revealing what sites were visited and when, as well as failed attempts to access restricted sites, etc..., then yes it offers remote monitoring.

I imagine your 12 year old is in the same category as my 13 year old was 10 years ago. Boy or girl? My daughter has been mostly smooth sailing...plays by the rules. On the other hand, my sons completely lacked self-control, just riding their urge in whichever direction the internet pulled them. As I write this, I am reminded that you will want to restrict the hours of usage immediately. For some reason, a 4am porn search isn't as embarrassing as a mid-day search! :-o Restrict the internet from say...10pm to 8am...problem solved!

And I didn't have this problem 10 years ago, but I see K9 has versions for Android and iOS cell phones/tablets, etc... Don't forget to make the settings on the handheld device match the settings on the desktop!

Try to impress on the youngster that one of the main objectives of this exercise is for them to demonstrate to you that they know how to remain safe on the wild, wild, web; NOT for them to learn how to be "sneaky surfers". Emphasize that the sooner they can PROVE this to YOUR satisfaction, the sooner the restrictions will be loosened (not "lifted", but loosened). It's all about the incentives for the young and impulsive... :cool

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

it would seem that sometimes they believe that. Then I remind them "you don't HAVE TO like it; but you are over 18 and I can't make you stay, either. I guess you have an important decision to make!"

So far, they're both still here. But I'll give 2-1 odds that the 19 year old moves out before his 23 year old brother. Our rules just chafe him more...

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

I mean that I don't need to watch them all the time from another computer(though teamviewer does), I just can simply check the logs of web history, chat logs, games etc. through email when I come back home or everywhere else, cause I have my own work and doesn't have so much time. I restricted the time he will spend on the computer, not on phone yet.

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

In my opinion, you should tell your kid that you will monitor him. As parent, you should respect his privacy. Otherwise, it might cause conflict between you and your kid. I remember that when I was 12 year old, my dad installed a control program called Micro keylogger in my computer to secretly spy on me without my knowing. I was so angry that I ran away from home for a week. I never do anything bad. If they had told me, everything would be okay.

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

I have done, without his notice. So far so good.

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

When my kids were younger. The computer they used had Windows 7 on it. I set it for a certain time frame that they could be on it, then adjusted it per their age for their account.

I even went further and used OpenDNS IP with Web filtering at the router side. Now I just let my youngest handle his own affairs. He knew that dad could use Team viewer any time to look in and see what was going on.

I trusted my kids enough, that I knew if they had questions they would come to me. Their mom also did the same plan as I did, by placing her computer in the dining area like we did. Used the built in Family filter for Windows 7.

I think with my son, it really helped when the middle school he attended, gave the kids the responsibility of taking home Macbooks. He got so used to having restrictions to what he could and could not do. It became common.

When he goes off to his university this fall. They have built in web filter for their WiFi network. The students know that if they try to do stuff they are not supposed to. The school can ban them from using the student WiFi service.

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

Did you buy your machine? If not, it wasn't your place to be upset. Did you pay rent?

You ran away for a week for that?

When I was a child, I ran away too. Of course, my stepfather was beating me to the ground with a belt and kicking me in the ribs....I was gone for 6 hours before someone returned me.

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

Adrynalyne, I know that technology been that safe place for a lot of us. I got into computers, when Exidy introduced the Sorcerer. Then when we had an H89/90 in our house running CP/M. I wrapped myself up into writing Asm & Basic programs, so that I would not hear my parents fighting all of the time.

That is probably why I am always on my laptop, tablet or smartphone, or even retreat to the basement of my in-laws in Wi to be by myself. Due to I consider that my safe zone.

We all have skeletons in our closets. In this case of helping our kids, or others kids not use technology as their safe zone, but to use it as a tool for research, watching a movie that we find as a relief from our personal pains, or the pain that the world gives us.

You find that there are some that still do not understand. Due to they did not grow up with technology, or were given too wide of a bubble. Now you have too many that read far too much into the articles that keep stating that our kids spend too much time.

I have found that my son knows his limits and along with that he uses technology for better, then bad.

Just going by some article or doctor that states that our kids spend way too much time in front of the tv or the computer, without sitting down with them, to see if they are. Or even finding ways to pull them away from it.

I let my son have his freedoms. I have found that he actually has the same interests in what he watches, that I watch. He likes off beat comedies, war movies, fiction type movies. But he also has his friends that he will drop everything and go hang out with them. Even if it means that they are all watching something on Netflix or a dvd.

But again, I feel sorry in your case. I know what you are talking about, when it comes to what you went through. I had friends that went through the same thing. But not as bad.

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

I'm kinda with Adrynalyne on this one. I know EXACTLY what he speaks of! The mentality of entitlement in the millenial generation is mind-blowing to me. And it's not even their fault...it's their parental figures who have either allowed or fostered this mindset. You are entitled to food, shelter, safety, and my unconditional love & support...that is it. Anything else should be considered a bonus. You should be grateful I have allowed you to posses a cellphone; not indignant because it doesn't have an apple sticker on it! And so on...

Why are we so bent on trying to sell a logical idea to a minor child who hasn't yet fully developed the frontal lobe enough to fully understand and make logical decisions? By all means, present the logic and show them what a logical decision looks like; but do not request their agreement, as if they have a say...enforce your policy, and make them feel safe. They may not LIKE your policy, but at least they'll appreciate being under the umbrella of a strong parent who looks out for them and makes logical decisions to protect them. OR, they'll develop a completely different set of decision-making criteria and strike out on their own after 18. Either way, you have done a good job as a parent by helping them to formulate their OWN decision-making process based on their OWN desired outcome. IMO, these are both good outcomes.

While you have chosen a slightly different path Browniz, I can't find any fault with your strategy, as you know your child, your family dynamic, your family lifestyle better than anyone else. As long as you're getting the results you wanted, isn't that the goal? I commend your efforts to interact with your child and make the decision together, and then follow up the results of that decision (Teamviewer!). It sounds like that works for you and your child; I can assure you that MY children could not handle that at a younger age (although the daughter has handled things much better, much sooner, than the risk-taking sons).

MY complaint with other parents is the complete lack of leadership and accountability to their children. They have allowed technology to baby-sit their children and to entertain their children in lieu of interacting with them. They have allowed the children to make adult decisions when, in fact, they are not capable of that behavior at that age. It seems very selfish and self-centered for OUR generation to allow our children to make decisions that they do not fully understand the ramifications of...because it makes our lives easier and we want our children to like us. That is the WRONG approach, IMO.

You speak of getting lost in the technology, a safe haven. I understand what you're saying, but I think today's technology isn't a "safe haven" for anyone! We were safe with technology because there was no internet, nor cellphones. Anyone who grew up with WinXP, or later systems, has had to deal with Internet Villains, i.e. child predators, porn purveyors, hate-mongers, cyber-bullies, and the list goes on and on. If you wouldn't let your child play on the neighorhood playground with these characters milling about, WHY would you let them play on the internet with the same seedy characters? Either PROTECT THEM, or ACCOMPANY THEM!!! Better yet, ACCOMPANY THEM and teach them how to protect themselves from these characters, so they are self-reliant and confident in their skills. Isn't that a parent's TRUE job?

I've used a lot of words, but it occurs to me that someone else has already said it better, and more succinctly: "Feed a man a fish and you feed him for the day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." We need to stop feeding fish to our children because it's quicker and easier; we need to take the time to teach THEM how to fish, and then we can fish together.

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

It's actually very very easy to bypass any of it. Use a different computer.

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

Really, like no one thought of that. That is not called bypassing parental controls. It is called the kid getting in trouble, when the parent finds out.

Rules are in place for a reason. Disobeying them, gets you in big trouble. Especially if you are a kid.

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

I think, you need to talk to your child face to face, if it's not enough, you should get cleverer, than him.
With my 12-year-old I started using OpenDNS and a additional parental control.
There are dozens of such programs (with many features - forced breaks, time limitation of internet sites...) in the net. For example - Kids Watch or Time Boss Pro...

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

If you ask me, I would say don't monitor your kid. They know what they can do what they can't.

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

Monitor?
Wrong word IMO, sounds too invasive. As if you are watching over their shoulders. I just tell the kids we use OpenDNS and it will not access malware sites. Unilateral rules work best IMO.

http://www.opendns.com/home-internet-security/parental-controls/opendns-home-vip/

Open DNS has some good ways to set up your modem or router to only allow sites you want. The action is not targeted at Wifey, kids or visitors and has never been found offensive because I also use it.

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

Although everyone has the right to know the truth, children are too young to understand what their parents monitoring them and just think that you do not want them do scan some websites. The more you restrict them, the more curious they are to watch those webs you want to be banned.
So in my opinion, you can tell them what you really did until they have grown up to understand you.

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

Duh.

That is right up there with, taking away their car doesn't stop them from driving, they can take another. rolleyes

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

Yes, what you said is true! I can't control what he did when surfing the Internet, but please attention, I never said I will block and control what my kid did on her phone or on the computer, I just want to know what he is doing with her phone or use some tools like iKeyMonitor some recommended for monitoring, because he spends too much with it. As I have said, my child seldom goes out during the summer vacation. He spends most of the time watching videos or surfing Internet at home, so i want to figure out everything.

 

Re: Should I tell my child that I will install parental monitoring software on his PC

@Icefrog, I don't understand why you cross-posted this dead Lounge thread in the Software forum. If it's suggestions for parental security apps that you want, then you would be better served by starting a new thread in here rather than re-posting what turned out to be a hotly debated discussion pertaining to parenting in general (thread had very little to do with software specifically).

Also, I'm not clear what you want help monitoring (PC, cell phone, both? something else?)