Jokes

I hadn't seen this one and found it quite funny -- abri



A distinguished young woman on a flight from
Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer
that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate
it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be
used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

 

Haha, I liked that one.

 

ALL MY LOVE.....


I shall seek and find you...
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you...
I will make you shake and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy and beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I am finally finished with you..
AND YOU WILL BE WEAK in the knees for days after.














ALL MY LOVE,

THE FLU

Now get your mind out of the gutter.............. and
GO GET YOUR FLU SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted on my Doctors door last winter

 

There was a priest that lived in a house at the bottom of a hill. the weather got bad and it started to flood the water had started coming into the house and flooded the first floor so he went upstairs and saw a rubber dingy going past,"the men shouted hey priest quick jump in" and he replied "no i don't need help god will save me"
The flood got higher and flooded the second floor so he went to the top floor and looked out the window and saw a lifeboat. The men shouted " hey priest quick jump in" he repiled "no i don't need help god will save me".
The water flooded the top floor and he had to climb onto the roof and he saw a helicopter hovering above. A man shouted "hey priest jump on to the rope" he replied "no i don't need help go will save me"
Eventually the house was underwater and he drowned,

When he got to heaven he said to god "hey god why didn't you save me" he replied "i sent you two boats and a helicopter what more do you want?"

 

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

2 litres of low fat milk,
A carton of eggs,
2 litres of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
Dozen tomatoes,
Can of coffee
And a 250g pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk slurred, "Kausing you're Uggly"

 

LOLOL
that's a good one
abri

 

Keyboard not connected. Press F1 to continue...

A blonde and her boyfriend were walking down the street when all of a sudden, she goes: "Huh"

"What?" asks the boyfriend.

"I didn't know the mexican's had a phone company." she replies. The boyfriend looks around.

"Where?" he asks.

"There." she points to the nearby Taco Bell.

---

Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes? 'Toes go in first.'

---

A blonde is told by her parents, that her brothers could all walk on water on their birthdays. When the blonde's birthday comes around, she trys it. The paramedics pull her out and while she's recovering, she asks her parents what happened.

"Your birthday is in July. All your brothers were born in January."

---

Sorry if I offended any blondes on the forum.

 

Why do blondes hate M&M's?



Because they're so hard to peel.

 

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady
sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out.
I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home.
He makes love to me every morning
and then gets up and makes me
pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch
and my favorite brownies and then
makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me
a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert
and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

 

lolol!
that's great!
abri

 

First year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the "posterior" of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But they eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

 

a good lesson lol
abri

 

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than
German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".


In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with joy.


The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear
up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.


There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when
the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words
like fotograf 20% shorter.


In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible.


Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which
have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.


Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
languag is disgrasful and it should go away.


By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" with "z" and "w" with "v".


During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl
riten styl.


Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it
ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum
tru.

 

LOL, except knowing the EU they just might do something as Crazy as that.

 

do you know the one about whether hell is exothermic or endothermic?
that's one of my favorites.
abri

 

No, but I will have to go and get my Bl**dy dictionary now you Imp

 

I never understood them either until I read this joke. hahahahaha

> Subject: Chemistry Midterm
>
>
>
> Chemistry Midterm:
>
> This was an "Actual Question" given on a University of Washington
> chemistry midterm:
>
> "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
> Support your answer.
>
> Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
> (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
> some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
>
> "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So,
we
> need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they
> are
> leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell,
>
> it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many
> souls
> are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in
the
>
> world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member
of
>
> their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of

> these religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion,
> we
> can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and
> death
> rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
increase
> exponentially.
>
> Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's
> Law
> states that in order for temperature and the pressure in Hell to stay
the
> same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
>
> This gives two possibilities:
>
> 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
> enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
> until all Hell breaks loose.
>
> 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of
> souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
> freezes over.
>
> So which is it?
>
> If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my
> Freshman year, that "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep
with
> you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in
> that
> area, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic."
>
> This student got the only A.
>
>

 

LOL You forgot to mention that he also got a Ticket to Hell, dang now I will be humming "Ticket to Ride" all day Abri

 

Okay this isn't really a joke, but a true incident that happened to me, however on telling it to my friends they ALL howled with laughter (yea I know I have sadistic friends). So all you geeks can have a chuckle at "Old BC's" expense, here it is:-

THE GRAY SAGA


THE LAD PLAYS WITH FIRE----FOREST FIRE ANYONE !


Part of the continuing Gray Saga; a true tale, for when you feel your up to you’re ass in a pit of Alligators. Story setting, I live on a 80-acre parcel of land that the Angel’s kiss every morning at sunrise, it over looks a fifteen mile wide lake, that is a hundred miles long called Kootenay Lake in the middle of the Purcell Mountains, in the Southern Interior of British Columbia/Canada.

Yours truly awakes in the morn and decides that this is a good day to burn a brush pile in the South Forty (only have two forties and one has to be the south one, right). True to his male Mountain man image our gent proceeds to light the brush on fire, and retire to the homestead to brew his morning Java, while occasionally peering from his window at the fires progress. Well our hero has a slight case of what we will call “Oldzimers” and forgets about the conflagration he has started for a short period of time. So, we later see our slightly moronic character again peering out from his window, with slackened jaw, for the simple brush pile fire is now in the process of becoming a minor Forest Fire. PANIC!!!! He rushes from his humble abode, grabbing shovels and garden hoses and gallops over to the growing blaze. Well the hoses he has will not reach that far, so he beats the flames with his trusty shovels, and hauls water by an old leaky bucket from the termination point of the too short garden hoses, and does through, only the good wishes of the gods above, and not his own puny efforts manage to bring the flames under some semblance of control. Well, now our genius decides that he will fire up his trusty John Deere 450 Front-end Loader, and proceed over to this semi-controlled blaze, and finally snuff the damn thing out. This he does forgetting that there is one area that is a bog around the growing fire, just waiting to grab a hold of his trusted machine and proceed to suck it down into the bowels of the earth, were nothing less that a machine twice it’s size can eradicate it.

Therefore, with hoses too short, shovels now bent, lungs burning, loader stuck and flames licking at its sides, he once again escalates to the next step of lunacy. Our Luckless Dude, jumps on to his faithful ATV ( conveniently, forgetting that the last time he used it, he was attempting to burn off the last of the gas in it’s tank, so he has all of a thimble of gas left in the tank), and proceeds down to his friends house to steal all of their garden hoses. The Felony committed, our fugitive proceeds to return home with his ill-gotten booty, only to be made rudely aware of the fact that he hasn’t enough fuel to complete his criminal escape. Huffing and puffing his rotund carcass up the road, with garden hoses dangling around his knobby legs and catching on anything and everything within ten miles, our Dudley Doright arrives in time to finally extinguish the offending flames.


END OF STORY, not bloody likely!!! Your trusty Sage still has the fact that he left his gasless ATV in the middle of the road, so with gas can in hand, he leaps in a single bound, tripping ever so slightly in doing so, into his beleaguered 4x4 Truck. Proceeding down the road like Mario Andrette, he reaches his stranded ATV, fills it with gas and proceeds to extract the loading rack for his ATV, to get it into the back of the truck. In his haste, our helpless hero forgets to tye down the loading rack so it will not slip off the trucks tailgate during loading. However, the Angels for the mentally impaired are looking out for our gent and the loading rack simply falls off, as he is just starting up the rack. Nevertheless, even the Angels cannot protect this character, for he once again ignores the tye downs, puts the rack back on the tailgate, and gives his ATV the throttle as if he is starting a Formula One race. Well all appears to be going well, for our hapless dope, as he rockets his way up the rack, then that old fickled finger of fate strikes, just as the ATV’s rear wheels touch the top of the rack. The rack is projected rearward off the tailgate, as if possessed by the Devil himself, and the ATV teeters on its rear wheels and flips off the truck and on top of yours truly (ALL 700#’s of it) But God does love fools and idiots, because nothing except a mirror on the ATV was broken, and our hero, with pride and body slightly bruised did get home that day in one piece.

 

LOL. Good story BCGray.

There are worse things than blondes.

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A
blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to
find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a
ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid
the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a
measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond?
We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

 

Now that's funny right there, I don't care who you are....

 

Hey G.T. LOL, that's two stereotypes in one joke, great job. My old granddad always use to say "It's lifes calamities that always make the best jokes" & "You have to have a laugh a day or you fade and wither away".

 

I'm doing this from memory, but isn't matzo a jewish bread or something? (yes I know I can Google, but I can't be bothered)

If it is, how could you have balls of it in a soup?

 

Now, Now you two no slagging allowed on the Ha ha ha Thread

 

No, I understood the joke, and not what I asked.

Just didn't understand what matzo ball soup was.

Heard of it, but never seen or tried it, nor did I know what it was made from.

Doesn't sound very appetising, balls of bread in soup.

 

LOL Halo aaah the days before computers and songs like these
SYSTEM CRASH (Sung to the tune of "The Monster Mash")

I was working in the lab, late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight,
Some smoke from our VAX began to rise
And suddenly, to my surprise...

(chorus)
(There was a crash) There was a system crash
(A mighty crash) I heard the disk heads smash
(A system crash) It came down in a flash
(There was a crash) A fatal system crash

The lab manager then appeared from his room,
Said: "I don't want to be a prophet of doom,
But we had one like this just the other day
Which blew up 4 megs and the SBA"

(chorus)

The system had just been booted, diagnostics had all run through,
When a power flux made it all run amuck, then SCOTTY and IRVING blew too

So we'd lost all our VAXes in less than one night
When a VP came in and said: "hey, that's all right,
I'll loan you a Venus - here's what to do
When you call up Support, tell them Gordon sent you...

(chorus)

Now I wonder how many of you remember the "M Mash"

 

Life before the computer

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

 

Right back at you Tim, dang they did come up with some great songs in the 60/70’s, went to a Ceilidh (Kay-lee) the other night and first song played was “Donald where’sss your trooouserss” my eleven year olds jaw dropped to the ground for he thought that his dad had just made the song up, for prior to it’s playing I was singing the song to him.

My God how Major Geeks has aged you Tim, only last week you were under sixty

 

Now did somebody say something about age:-

A man of more than 90 years marries a young model. They are happy, except for the fact that he can't satisfy her in bed. After weeks of trying, they decide to seek professional help. Off to the doctor they go.

Upon hearing their problem, the doctor tells them "Here is what you must do. Go find a strapping young man. The next time you have intercourse, have the man wave a towel over your bodies."

Following the doctor's advice, the senior hires a handsome young man from a nearby gym. When they get home, they immediately head to the bedroom for some nookie. Unfortunately, the doctor's advice doesn't work, as the wife is still not satisfied.

The husband decides to change tactics. He grabs the towel and instructs the young man to have sex with his wife. The young man gets down to business, while the husband waves the towel for all he's worth. Shortly after, the young bride has an earthshaking climax.

The old-timer grins, shakes his head knowingly, and says "See, young fella? That's how you wave a Towel.

 

Oldies for us old farts huh?

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by, one right behind the other. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! -- he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Dang!...third gay rooster I've bought this month."

 

Sure. I don't have anyone to wave it over.

 

Insomniac,
this is so lovely! Did you write it or have any idea who did?
It's really great!
abri

 

Yeah,
profiles should allow you to be at least 160, otherwise people always think you're lying.
abri

 

Monster Mash! haha
Great one, BC!

 

They're sticky...

 

A very old man of 90+ goes to his Doctor.

Doctor: How are you doing?

Old Man: Terrific! I've married a young woman and she pregnant with our child!

At this piece of news the Doc leans back on chair.

Doc: Hmmm, sound like a story I heard. I knew this guy who went hunting, but all he brought was an umbrella. A grizzly bear charged out of the woods at the guy. He brought the umbrella up to his shoulder, yelled BANG! BANG! and the bear fell over dead.

Old Man: No way! Absolutely no way that man could kill that bear with his umbrella!

Doc: Exactly.

 

I wish I could take credit, but sadly I'm not that clever.

I did copy and paste it though, that's something?

Halo has also posted either something similar, or the same, so credit goes to him.


PS, I got it from HERE.

 

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne. a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris.
Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 yearold ready for more "action."
And once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris set to leave again, his young bride says to him: "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover,Morris"
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"

 

PROFESSIONALS ONLY:

unix% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

unix% rm god
rm: god nonexistent

unix% get a light?
No match.

unix% %blow
%blow: No such job.

unix% Sleep with me
bad character


(it's a shame I can't understand this joke, but I hope someone can!) lol