Jokes

lolol
sorry, but that's too funny lol
abri

 

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who
brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell
off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in
front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I have faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the
blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt." Then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year-old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night.

The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

OLD AGE WILL TRIUMPH OVER YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME.

 

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."

The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."

The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."

http://www.emoticons4u.com/obscene/eck30.gif

 

Great One Bill, now you haven't been playing with those lovely nurses to much have yourolleyes


Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a "GoodYear"

 

IS THIS MEDICAL ADVANCE???????:innocent:innocent


A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says, "That's nothing . We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man,and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man,and have both of them looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind us. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.
:neener:neener

 

An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house.
He said that's fine with me.

She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.

She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: That's fine with me...Put me down for Fridays..

 

Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden ... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.

"Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!!!"

Then POOF! .. she was gone!

After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Henry, where are you?"

Henry yells back "I'm over here in the ***** willows."

Larry shouts back, "DON'T SWING, HENRY; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING


http://bestsmileys.com/sports2/3.gif

 

WINDOWS FOR REDNECKS



It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.

Also note:
the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 Wheel Drive
floppies are them little ol’ plactic disc thangs.

Other features:

Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

* OK ats aww-right
* cancel hail no
* reset awa shoot
* yes shore
* no Naaaa
* find hunt-fer it
* go to over yonder
* back back yonder
* help hep me out here
* stop ternit off
* start crank it up
* settings sittins
* programs stuff at does stuff
* documents stuff I done done

Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98:

* tiperiter A word processor
* colering book a graphics program
* addin mershene calculator
* outhouse paper notepad
* jupe-box CD Player
* iner-net Microsoft Explorer
* pichers A graphics viewer
* IRS M/S accounting software
* IRS2 M/S accounting software with hidden files
* coon dog American kennel club records
* fishin Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
* NRA National Rifle Association
* shot gun Remington Arms price list
* riffel Winchester price list
* pisstel Smith and Wesson price list
* truck Ford and Chevrolet dealers in AL by zip code
* house Nearest Mobile home repair service by zip code
* car same as truck just need two, list in Alabama
* cuzzins family history (usually a 3 meg file)
* tax records usually an empty file
* shells ammunition inventory (another 3 meg file)
* bud list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
* rasin NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry the race
* car ‘n truck parts nearest junk yard by zip code
* doc veterinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement copy.

http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/spezial/Fool/roga.gif

 

HOW IT WORKS

http://img151.imageshack.us/img151/2211/underfp2.th.jpg

 

oh how funny. thats the best analogy i've seen.

 

I was tempted to do another Redneck joke but they may think i'm picking on them so i did a president (that's a joke in it's self) one.

http://img252.imageshack.us/img252/2993/bushoilsponsorshipsci5.th.jpg

 

aw what the hell.
REDNECK MEDICAL DICTIONARY


Artery, The study of paintings.
Bacteria, Back door to cafeteria.
Barium ,What doctors do when patients die.
Benign, What you be after you be eight.
Catscan ,Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize ,Made eye contact with her.
Cesarean Section, A neighborhood in Rome.
Colic, A sheep dog.
Coma, A punctuation mark.
D&C ,Where Washington is.
Dilate, To live long.
Enema ,Not a friend.
Fester ,Quicker than someone else.
Fibula, A small lie.
Genital, Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series ,World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail, What you hang your coat on.
Impotent ,Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain, Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff, A Doctor’s cane.
Morbid, A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates, Cheaper than day rates.
Node, I knew it.
Outpatient, A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear, A fatherhood test.
Pelvis, Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative, A letter carrier.
Recovery Room, Place to do upholstery.
Rectum, Pretty near killed him.
Secretion, Hiding something.
Seizure ,Roman emperor.
Tablet, A small table.
Terminal Illness ,Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor, More than one.
Urine ,Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose, Near by/close by.

it was too good to resisthttp://www.mysmiley.net/imgs/smile/characters/character0110.gif

 

Redneck, President, idiot all the same

 

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

 

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy
with his feet propped up on a table. He had the
biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they
say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let
me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she
spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real
flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah
services before."
"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself
some boots that fit."

 

Good one evil
abri

 

The best indacation of how well endowed a man is, is by the size of his penis.

can I say that? confused

 

The Hushers

Six year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not suppose to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

 

Oh thank goodnes you covered mine up, thought I broke it for a while

 

I hope this wasn't posted before, and I hope no blondes are hurt in the process.

She Was So Blonde...
1. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate".

2. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

3. She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

4. She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".

5. She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

6. She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

7. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

8. She tried to drown a fish.

9. She thought a quarterback was a refund.

10. She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

11. If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

12. They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

13. Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

14. She tripped over a cordless phone.

15. She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

16. At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius."

17. She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

18. It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

19. If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

20. She studied for a blood test ...and failed.

21. She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

22. She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

23. She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

24. She sold the car for gas money.

25. When she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted., she went home and got 16 friends.

26. When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

27. She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

28. When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

29. When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

 

HEY KES i'm surprised you got time for jokes with all that rain you had you should be baleing out.

bye the way congrats on you new status MAJOR DILEMMA really good that.:clap:clap

A guy breaks into a house to look for money and anything which was valuable and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.

If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me he was gay, he thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"roflmao

 

Alaskan Humor:

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers on the porch "We're sorry Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Well tell me now! Did you find her?" Wilkins shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkins.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news? The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had twelve 25-pound king crabs and six good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her body." Stunned, Wilkins demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"


The trooper replied, "We're pulling her up again tomorow."

 

TOP 16 COUNTRY SONGS

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your *** Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the Number one song is . . . . . . . . .

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women,
but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

 

25 Signs You've Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next
door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
instead of asking "Oh S*$# what the hell happened?"

 

wishful thinking

 

this is for the ex military among us we have all seen the dumb thing that can happen.

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

http://bestsmileys.com/army/7.gif

 

sorry i still love the redneck jokes but it's getting harder to find new ones.

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.

http://bestsmileys.com/computer2/7.gif

 

is this a redneck housboat????

 

roflmao

 

here's one for redneck girls!!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why? he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. ****."
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

Did you know that eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!
Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.
He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was OK but all the dove would say is "I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!"
Well, this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.

He found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was great but all the loon would say is, "I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!" So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. Again the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....well, you know.....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

No, the duck didn't say THAT!!!!! That's an awful thing to think!

<
>
>
>
>
>
>
<
>
The duck said, "I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE!

 

Campfire Tales
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

 

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.

He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"

"Why Yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina.

When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, our gentleman was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh my goodness no!," said the woman "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did."

Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.

He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh . mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in.

The next morning after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What have I done?

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time'"

http://bestsmileys.com/religous/1.gif

 

Wal-Mart Special
A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?"

She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

 

Sexual Assault
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

 

this is not rude

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place...


Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

http://bestsmileys.com/drinking/16.gif

 

this is a bit rude

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems." So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.

A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.

Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary! http://bestsmileys.com/rude/20.gif

 

:fart :fart



roflmao at Bill's Beans Joke

 

Even better Grumbles:- a Bills Blindfold Bean Beano Biohazard Joke say that fast if you dare

Great ones all, glad to see the "Old Joke Thread" still yucking along

 

Too funny you guys have had me laughing all day!

 

LOLOL! That's really funny!
LOL
lol
abri

 

Roy The Rooster

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."

So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says, "Oh Roy, Why did you have to die?"






.................Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

 

Ha Ha!!!
I like ducks and I like this joke very much!

 

This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 5 times a month. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?"
The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"

 

Thats the last time I let you visit me MKLOLroflmaoroflmao.........All of that was suppose to be our "Secret":wave

 

What did you say Doc!

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!"

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down nuts!" And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "Well... everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"

 

Little Johnny & the Library

Little Johnny asked for and received help from a librarian on how to use the computerized search system at the local library.
The librarian gave Little Johnny some instruction, and Johnny confidently began his search.
A little while later he approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."
"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, and Little Johnny thanked her and went back to his search.
A short time later he came to the desk again, looking quite distraught. "I just can't find it," he said.
"What book are you looking for?" asked the librarian
Little Johnny replied, "Tequila Mockingbird

 

Four To Go...

Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?" The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and every one of my husbands has passed away." The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?" The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician." And the other said, "Oh, I see, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go..."

 

Gomer were in the Army now

Gomer and Pete who are in the army, get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Pete says, "Hey, Gomer - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drink."
"But we are privates," protests Gomer.
"NO, we are sergeants now," says Pete, pulling him inside
"Now, Gomer, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But, we are privates," says Gomer.
"You blind, boy!" says Pete, pointing at his stripes. "We are Sergeants now!"
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a Lady of the Evening comes up to Pete.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Pete pulls Gomer to the side and whispers, "Gomer, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."
Gomer goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Pete the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Pete is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Gomer," he says, "What did you give me the okay sign for?!"
"Well Pete, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we are Sergeants now!

 

Got Milk

Marjorie heard that milk baths would make her beautiful and young looking. So, she E-Mailed me, saying that when you come to Point Claire again could I please bring with me 15 gallons of milk.

When I read the E-Mail I felt there must be a mistake. She probably meant 1.5 gallons, so I sent her an e-mail to clarify the point.

Marjorie wrote back, stating it wasn't a mistake I do need you to bring 15 gallons of milk. Not 1.5 gallons? as you pointed out.

She went on to say, "I want the 15 gallons, as I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." this will stimulate me, and make me relaxed as I lie there.

So I then asked, "Will it be Pasteurized then?"

Marjorie said, "No. Just up to my Breasts."