Jokes

They "Grow" them Big in Texas


A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No, ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am, from the Floor?"

 

The Formula Works

There was this boy in high school that was what you would
consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement
of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look
what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of
soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked
his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then
dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed.

The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his
dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told
him that he had something to show him. They went to the front
yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."

The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is
from your mother."

 

Here's the secret of long life after marriage....!
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic
tranquillity had long been the talk of the town, being a peaceful
& loving couple!"

A local newspaper reporter was asking the man what the secret of their
long and happy marriage was.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited
the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by
horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife
quietly said, 'That's once'." "We proceeded a little further and her horse
stumbled again. My wife quietly said, 'That's twice. "We hadn't gone a
half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed
a revolverfrom her purse and shot the horse dead.

"I then started an angry protest over her treatment to the horse, and while
I was shouting; She looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'. "

"And we lived happily ever after."

 

Mensa Meeting
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the Blond waitress over to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains pepper..."

"Oh," the blond waitress interrupted.

"Sorry about that."

She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them!

 

this is just too true lol

Improving the world one new rule at a time. . . .

New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad
for classmates.com! There's a reason you
don't talk to people for 25 years. Because
you don't particularly like them! Besides,
I already know what the captain of
the basketball team is doing these
days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule : Don't eat anything that's
served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found
in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost
less than a dollar. What did you expect
it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule : Stop saying that teenage
boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule : If you need to shave and
you still collect baseball cards, you're
a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are
keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows
alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done.

New Rule : There's no such thing as
flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket, water,
but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water? Pour some
scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavored water.

New Rule : Stop screwing with old people.
Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle
that's square, with a bigger label. And the
top is now the bottom. And by the time
grandpa figures out how to open it, his ***
will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.

New Rule : The more complicated the
Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order
a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with
one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,"
ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the
time I look up from sliding my card, entering
my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying
the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash
back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is
standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule : Just because your tattoo has
Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
spiritual. It's right above the crack of your
butt . And it translates to "beef with
broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual.
You're just under the influence.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a
sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open
of Competitive Eating, because watching
those athletes at the poker table was just
too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting??? Oh wait!?
They're already doing that--It's called
"The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega
M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule : If you're going to insist on
making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to
give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so we can see what's playing on the
other show.

New Rule : No more gift registries. You
know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes
and graduations from rehab. Picking
out the stuff you want and having
other people buy it for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white people version
of looting.

New Rule : No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a
towel and a mint like I just had sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some
freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
your web cam, dude. I just want to wash
my hands.

New Rule : When I ask how old your
toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
"27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine.
He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care
in the first place.

New Rule : If you ever hope to be a credible
adult and want a job that pays better than
minimum wage, then for God's sake don't
pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh.
If so, then plan your future around saying,
"Do you want fries with that?"

 

Shingles



A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."
She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

 

RULES FOR US OLDER LOVERS


Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner.

Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.

Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!

Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.


http://bestsmileys.com/excited/3.gif

 

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member-about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache. . .she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

http://bestsmileys.com/aliens/8.gif

 

On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the north coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Rangers football shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Celtic shirts roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly.
The other two reached out and pulled the Rangers fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some hooligan elements and secterianism, bigotry and evil people trying to divide the glorious Celtic and Rangers, but, now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true.
I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of cultural harmony and could serve as a model on which other peoples could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows nothing about shark hunting.

How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?".

 

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical.

http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/1.gif

 

Another Cracker by Bill

You should be a professional comedian

 

Dear Granddaughter:

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a

"Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker".

I was feeling particularly frisky that day because I had just come from a

thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was

stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought

about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light

had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he

hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love

Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,

And then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of God!

Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for

Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving

and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to

share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him

yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle fingerstuck

up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that

meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window

And gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that

they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is

when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on

through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got

through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of

sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.


So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the

Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.



Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!


Will write again soon,


Love, Grandma

 

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. As he stood by his car to drink his cola, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.

The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.

While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.

"Normally there's three of us ... me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.

Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."

http://bestsmileys.com/working/1.gif

 

OH MY, is it hot in here???

 

DON'T DO DRUGS
Two Teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs. When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.

The judge said, "That was great how did you do that?" The Boy told him, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison.'"

http://bestsmileys.com/cops/9.gif

 

I hope you lady's know what us men gave up for you (or were we just dumb??)
God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation. He asked, "Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies left to hand out before my job is done.

Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam raises his hand and yells "Me, Me, pick me!!" So God obliged.

God looks at Eve and says - "Well, sorry Eve...but it looks like you're stuck with the multiple orgasms."

EXAM TIME

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU ARE 100% RED BLOODED MAN!"


http://bestsmileys.com/thumbs/7.gif I wont tell you what i got?

 

TO BE 6 AGAIN...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be s ix again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!


Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size.

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

 

Hey MK, cool new avatar. Mine says I'm on vacation in my own mind anyway

As soon as I came to this -(The head of course sank straight to the bottom)
I busted out laughing, good greif, what does that say about me :innocent haha

 

Who Is the Strongest

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bar tender would Squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then give the Lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze another drop of juice out would win the Money. Many people tried but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny, little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a Polyester suit. He said in a squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed it. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man who clenched it in his small fist.

Soon the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as six drops of Juice fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000 and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living?" The Little man replied with a winning smile, "I work for The IRS!"

 

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

Police.

Police who?

Police stop telling these awful knock, knock jokes!

 

so true

 

“Nine Months Later......"

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."







(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)LOL

 

BC -- I liked this one alot!

abri

 

The owner of a local business was confused about paying an invoice that offered a substantial discount;
so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from USC with an accounting degree and I need some help."

He continued, "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 12%,
how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."

 

Don't Mess with us "Old Farts"


A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either."

"He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

 

Pew Humour

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be
late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!
Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!
As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...
……………………..But please don't shove me either!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says,
"My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.

"The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper,
he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered,
"Call for backup."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to
Jerusalem . A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, ……………."I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

http://bestsmileys.com/talking/7.gif

Ten ways to know that you're addicted to your computer:-

10) When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL.

9) You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your spouse.

8) Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family.

7) Your computer is your ONLY friend.

6) You think cyber sex is better than real sex.

5) You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO I'LL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL).

4) You type 40 words a minute with two fingers.

3) Your twins are named RAM & ROM.

2) After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 3.1 is outdated.

1) YOU READ STUFF LIKE THIS!

http://bestsmileys.com/geek/1.gif

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

So you see; there really are two ways to look at everything.

 

Chinese Medicine


While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his private parts covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your private parts."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not ! I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring That he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his private parts and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my private parts!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican Docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No beed to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor,


…………………………….."you no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself."

 

Signs


A lady about 7 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed even more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court, and the judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She then sat under a sign that said "The Gold
Dust Twins are Coming" and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself. BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ……………."Goodyear Rubber couldhave prevented this accident" I laughed out loud!"

"Case dismissed!" said the Judge.

 

You call it ………What?


There was a Priest and a Nun and a camel lost in the dessert. The camel dies and it's just the Priest and the Nun. When they figure their going to die, the Priest says to the Nun
"I've never seen a naked lady before can you please remove your dress."

The Nun thinks about it and decides what the heck and takes off her clothes. She then says "Father I've never seen a naked man before can you take off your clothes." The Priest thinks about it and decides what the heck and takes off his clothes. The Nun looks down at his Privates and asks "What's that father?" The Priest says "That is the gift of life."
The Nun then tells him

“Well if that is the gift of life then stick it in the camel and let's get the heck out of here."

 

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP FOR ME.............



For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but recently the true story has been revealed.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, or a motel in the United States.

If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice.

 

roflmao @ BCGray

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation....

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation,
get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed
in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night
before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked
if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Brigham Young
University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the
behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They
all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness,
and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I
just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power
of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the
switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to
their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the
University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical
Engineering, and I'll tell y'all right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute
nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

 

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago?
I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts
butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.


GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up
in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST.FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, they pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow, and, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay
to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in
the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

St. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and
spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.
St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

 

Computer Dependency
This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down...

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Look down, not scroll down, dummy!

 

Boyfriends House

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longerrrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivalled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

 

those are great meandog, although the God one is so true it's sad.

 

Hey meandog great ones Bro, as usual

 

(I hope nobody will be offended by this rather sweet little story - just goes to show that Moses (like me) also finds the computer rather confusing and frustrating at times!)

A CONVERSATION BETWEEN MOSES AND GOD.

“Excuse me, Sir…”
“Is that you again, Moses?”
“I’m afraid it is, Sir.”
“What is it this time, Moses? More computer problems?”
“How did You guess?”
“I don’t have to guess, Moses. Remember??”
“Oh, yeah, I forgot…”
“Tell me what you want, Moses.”
“But You already know. Remember?”
”Moses!!”
“Sorry, Sir.”
“Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!”
“Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten things You sent me?”
“You mean the Commandments, Moses?”
“That’s it. I was wondering whether they were important.”
“What do you mean ‘were important’, Moses? Of course they are important, otherwise I wouldn’t have sent them to you.”
“Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course You would see right through that.”
“What do you mean you lost them? Are you trying to tell me you didn’t save them, Moses?”
“No, Sir, I forgot.”
“Well, My Son always saves, Moses.”
“Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them, though.”
“And did you hear from any of them?”
“You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses ‘shalt not’. Can he change the words a little bit?”
“Yes, Moses, as long as he doesn’t change the meaning.”
“And what about the guy who thought Your stance was a little bit harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions, or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?”
“Moses, I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.”
“I think that means ‘no’. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?”
“I think that is spamming, Moses.”
“Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don’t even eat that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer.”
“And what did he say?”
“You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don’t think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that’s the reason I lost those things, do You?”
“They’re called viruses, Moses.”
“Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can’t we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back, taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them!”
“We’ll do it the new way, Moses.”
“I was afraid You’d say that, Sir.”
“Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?”
“You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out towards the computer.”
“It’s a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?”
“No. I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff that You, and I really like Your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice in the ark?”
“No, Moses.”
“One other thing. Why didn’t You name them frogs instead of mice, because You didn’t tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?”
“I didn’t name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to.”
“Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, Sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn’t it a woman who named one of the computers ‘Apple?’”
“Say goodnight, Moses.”
“Wait a minute, Sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back!”
“Which ones, Moses?”
“Let’s see. ‘Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image’ and ‘Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbour’s wife.’”
“Turn the computer off, Moses. I’m sending you another set of stone tablets.”
“How does ‘Same Day Air’ sound?”
“Goodnight, Moses!”

 

Not offensive at all Kim, cute and thank you for it.

 

Yea Great one Kim, Major Geeks forum is really broad minded so unless a post is slanderous, racist, or sexually explicit your usually Okay. You will also get a warning from the great "Mods" here if you overstep the bounds, and your post will be removed. So like our Darlene said not offensive at all, and great to see you posting

 

Love it. Just too cool.

 

Hey Kim Great one,
I just might stop being a lurker to post jokes with all the good ppl on this board.
Wish me luck. I have a sick mind lol....

 

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's
winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one
letter altered to form a real word.

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's, like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.

And, the pick of the lot...
17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ***.

 

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow-tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw"

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy, "I'm learnin' something here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your *** and it won't hurt near as bad.

 

Eight Words with two meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-b el) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

= = AND = =

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said. . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . . We don't know; it's never happened.

He said . . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.

She said. . . What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . . .Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

 

Louisiana State Trooper pulled a car over on US-165 about 2 miles south of the Louisiana/Arkansas State line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Monroe to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

He told the Trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the Trooper got 3 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunken good ole' boy from Arkansas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door, and got in.

The Trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk says, "Well, you might as well just go ahead and take my drunk *** to jail, 'cause there ain't no way I can pass THAT test."
__________________

 

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."



An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. 'Now you must do the same,' he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

'Second,' the professor continued, 'you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?'

http://bestsmileys.com/dead/4.gif

 

There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was too scared to ask her husband so she went to a gypsy and told her her problem.

The gypsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vagina' and it will start having sex with you".

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ***"


ALSO

A wealthy couple planned to go to an evening ball. They advised Stanley, their Butler, that he was being given the evening off to do whatever he wanted.

After an hour and a half at the ball the wife told her husband that she was dreadfully bored and in fact would prefer simply to go home and finish some work for the following day. The husband replied that he had to stay for a couple of more hours since he had to meet some potential business partners.

So, the wife went home alone and found the butler Stanley spread out on the couch watching TV. Moving slowly towards him, she sat down in a very seductive manner. She whispered to him to come closer, then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear:

"Take off my dress ..." she said And Stanley did so. "Now, will take off my bra ..." she asked To which Stanley obliged. "Next, please remove my shoes and stockings." she told him Stanley quickly followed her instructions again. "Now, remove my garter belt and panties." she ordered him. Again, without hesitation, Stanley complied.

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted: "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired!"

http://bestsmileys.com/expressions/9.gif

 

This is Dan and Me

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens." In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, What's for dinner?"

Again, no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, What's for dinner?"

Again, there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"