Men's Rules

Subject: Men's Rules
We always hear the rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side:
* Please note…all the rules are numbered 1 on purpose.

1.Breasts are for looking and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.
1.Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. You don’t hear us complain about you leaving it down.
1.Saturday=Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be
1.Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1.Crying is blackmail
1.Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
a.Subtle hints do not work
b.Strong hints do not work
c.Obvious hints do not work
d.JUST SAY IT!
1.Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1.Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what you’re girlfriends are for.
1.A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1.Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1.If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1.If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1.You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
a.Not both
b.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself
1.Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1.Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1.All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
a.Peach for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
b.We also have no idea what mauve is.
1.If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1.If we ask what is wrong and you say, “nothing” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it’s just not worth the hassle.
1.If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer that you don’t want to hear.
1.When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, really.
1.Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as: sex, sports, and cars.
1.You have enough clothes.
1.You have too many shoes.
1.I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; yes I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

 

Classic

 

Laura, I've just been gored through the heart ------------- AGAIN!

You're spot on with those. Have you been consulting with AbbySue again?

heh heh heh

 

Sure........................THAT's why I became a gynecologist, cuz I knew EVERYTHING about women, SURE I did! I'm STILL learning, after 40 years.

New day, new woman. Ouch. But there's no substitute.

 

When folks would ask me what I did ------- I used to say I was a Gynechiatrist.

 

How To Shower Like a Man:

@ TimW,
that even made my wife crack up.(Maybe because it is so true) LOL
roflmaoroflmaoroflmaoroflmaoroflmao

 

How to shower like a man

roflmao roflmao roflmao roflmao

 

Cool things about being a man ..

1. Your *** is never a factor in a job interview.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a damn if someone notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work .. more pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. One mood, ALL the damn time.

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

20. You can open all your own jars.

21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without
ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

27. No maxi-pads.

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong friends.

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on
December 24th, in minutes.

37. The world is your urinal.

 

All good stuff very funny.

 

Here is another interpretation

The Rules to Being a Man

1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:

- When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

- After wrecking your boss’ car.

- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.

- When she is using her teeth.

2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

4.) If you’ve known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend’s fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend’s birthday is strictly optional.

7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach, and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel, and it’s free.

10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts.

11.) Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

12.) Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13.) If a Man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

14.) Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that’s just mean.

17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights:

- Yeah, Baby, Push it!

- C’mon, give me one more! Harder!

- Another set and we can hit the showers!

20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Men’s Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

24.) When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call “BULLS**T!”.

Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.

26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

28.) Before dating a buddy’s “ex”, you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend�s cat.

31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.

Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, “What this guy needs is a good ***-whoopin.”, then you may sit back and enjoy.

33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him, too gay.

34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “F**** OFF!” You are absolved of your of responsibility.

37.) Never, EVER slap or smack another Man.

 

Going to a new doctor ---

I recently went to a new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He said, "Well, do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no!" I replied. "I don't do drugs, either!"

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"Absolutely not" I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No" I said.

He said........ "Then, why do you even give a $hit?"

 

How to Make a Woman Happy




It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A
man only needs to be:



1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate



WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:



45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47. be honest

48. be very rich

49. not stress her out

50. not look at other girls



AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:



51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes



IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:



54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes




HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY



1. Show up naked

2. Bring beer

 

Here some good prays for woman and man

Woman's Prayer

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep.

One who is handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long.

One who thinks before he speaks.

When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed.

When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

and knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And never ever attempt to hit on my friend.

Amen.


A Man's Prayer

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge breasts

who owns a liquor store and a boat.

Amen

=))

 

Somehow, I expected the punch-line to be, "and when she woke up, she was a lesbian"...

 

Rikkys Prayer

Before I lay me down to sleep

I want a woman.

 

Not if they're Surf Lifesavers! If anything, they are encouraged to do so when manning an oar in a Lifesaver's boat:droolLOL

http://au.lifestyle.yahoo.com/b/new-idea/5016/princess-dianas-aussie-fling/
Speedos always been popular...still are...Thank God!

Um...nope...not if he's trying to win the heart of some gal who is a cat lover!

 

Quite a few men belong to that club...must be international membership.LOL

 

Ah yes, but an 'Olde Aussie Law" states that:- In line-of-sight of water, Speedos are bathers. Out of line-of -sight of water, they are just "Budgie Smugglers"!LOL ~ Either way they are scary, i.m.o.http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g309/Zobor/puke3.gif http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g309/Zobor/yikes.gif

 

LOL
Well then, you certainly would not want to be around when Lifesavers pull their cossies (Speedos) up their backside crease before jumping into the Lifesavers' boat so they can easily slide up and down the seat when rowing. roflmao

Seems it's okay for gals to wear revealing garments for guys to check 'em out, but not okay for guys to have revealing speedos for gals to check 'em out...huh?!

 

The problem is that the people that wear them, and have no business in anything less revealing than a space suit.

 

...And I thought it was just a 'wedgie' (really). Guess I'm educated, now .

Besides the usual truth of what Triaxx said(lol!), I don't really care what others wear, I'm just don't wanna look at other guy's butts, or any other scary bulges. Nope, I don't swing that way http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g309/Zobor/puke-1.gif. Besides, some Speedo wearers should be hung as 'Visual Terrorists', i.m.o.http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g309/Zobor/HolySheep.gif....I Mean this kind of hung (http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g309/Zobor/hanged.gif), not in any other connotation!


[Zaps outta thread, fast!!.....http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g309/Zobor/outta20here.gif]

 

'nuff said
http://doctorheadly.files.wordpress.com/2007/04/speedo_guy.jpg

 

Brief and to the point.

 

Totally agree with you...I was referring to our Lifesavers only who can beautifully carry wearing Speedos.

 

Laura, if persons look anything like what Musky's photo portrayed, then I'm agreed,

But, you obviously not had the pleasure of laying on one of our beaches on a Summer’s day and watched the lean, muscular bronzed bodies of Lifesavers as they organise their lifeboat for a row. All my female friends, like me, were raised in beach areas and our Lifesavers are part of our tradition and beach sight...and we thoroughly enjoy the scenery.

My main point here is, women have rules and views just as much as menLOL

 

Musky, your photo kindly provides proof of what girls would roll over on their beach towels to look in the opposite direction while muffling a giggle in their hands as to what certain male shapes should not wear to the beach. roflmao

However, our Lifesavers have the bodies to carry the look, so my female friends and I don't give a hoot if other males don't like how good our Lifresavers look:neenerLOL.

 

[

Knew I’ld get a reaction to my stirring roflmao

I totally agree with what Triaxx said…ie, there are those body shapes who shouldn’t wear them (and Musky has kindly provided the body shape as an example) My friends and I reckon Lifesavers beautifully can carry off the look with Speedos as can our Olympic champions.

To reiterate what I stated in my earlier post to LauraR, my main point here is, women have rules and views just as much as men LOL

 

Again, I have only referred to Lifesavers, and our Olympic Champions (swimmers of course!). Those long baggies are also worn by some Lifesavers, but not for swim meets/carnivals/rowing as they are too restricting and cumbersome. (My friends and I find those baggies a total turn offuke and unattractive because of the way they distort the shape of a nice body...but baggies look great on those other shapes not suited for Speedos), smaller and trimmer versions of baggies are commonly worn here which can look okay if properly style cut...but then, to each his (or her) own as they say, "different folk, different strokes."LOL

Here, Speedos are traditional, mainly with our Lifesavers (definitely on our Northern Beaches), who were the only ones I had referred to from the first instant.:cool

Again...men have rules, these are rules my female friends and I have

 

Yep...definitely a culture thing here...and although those shorts are common here, we're just as selective as to who wears them. As for Matthew McConaughey:drool, I think he can be forgiven for just about anything he wears ('cos I reckon the imagination kicks in anyways roflmao)

 

Gosh LS and Laura- such thread hijackers.

 

Yeah...what LauraR saysLOL

<Gotta like the girl

 

Meh, I don't live by any rules. Though I suppose a guy wearing a Speedo knows how women feel.

 

LOL
Well now you have at least two females views on that topic

 

I hope you're not counting me there. I am... *checks* yeah, still male.

 

roflmao

I know you're male from previous posts...I was referring to LauraR and myself.