Jokes v.3

Yo mama's so fat, when she was cremated, air traffic over Europe was shut down...

 

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 40 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "Darling, 40 YEARS AGO, WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, A NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL....

AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS..

 

Another MS joke.

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

 

I've always loved this one....

I was walking near a mental institution the other day. I heard a bunch of residents yelling, "13 .... 13 .... 13 ..... 13!", but I couldn't see why since there was a wooden fence blocking the view.

I peeked through a gap in the fence and someone poked me in the eye with a stick! The residents started yelling, "14 .... 14 ..... 14 ..... 14!"


A quick one from Rodney Dangerfield too...

My psychiatrist said I was crazy. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said ok you're ugly too.

 

A little Gulf Oil humor;

"Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." -Jay Leno

"I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!" –Jay Leno

"BP has inserted a siphon tube into the well to suck up all the oil from the spill. And they've had a lot of experience in this area, by the way. This is the same tube they've been using to suck the money out of our wallets for the past 50 years." –Jay Leno

"What they're going to do is they're going to suck all of that oil that's leaking into the gulf and pump it up into a tanker. Now the bad news is the tanker is the Exxon Valdez." –David Letterman

"In Louisiana, BP claims that it's making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They're working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea." –David Letterman

"There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it." –David Letterman

"And tar is washing up onto the beaches — big globs of tar. And people are saying, 'Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?' No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket." –David Letterman

"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded." —David Letterman

"British Petroleum said today that if this spill gets worse, they may soon have to start drilling for water." —Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney's pals at Halliburton ... say they're going to do the underwater cement job to plug the hole. I thought, wait a minute, this is a mistake. Underwater cement? You call the mafia. Am I right?" —David Letterman

"The oil company said it was the rig company's fault. The rig company said it was Halliburton. And somehow, each time they passed the blame, Goldman Sachs made a hundred million dollars." —Bill Maher

"We're still dropping things on it. This is like if your toilet overflowed and you tried to fix it by smashing it with a brick. Their next idea is to get the old lady from Titanic and she's going to throw her jewelry at it." —Bill Maher, on the oil spill in the Gulf

"You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders." —David Letterman

"On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices." —Jay Leno

"They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip." —David Letterman

"This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo." —Bill Maher, on the oil spill on the Gulf of Mexico

"The plan is to contain the oil slick with fire-retardant beams, and then set fire to the oil that pools on the surface. They say if it works there in the Gulf, they're going to try it on the cast of Jersey Shore." —Bill Maher

"By the way, Sarah Palin, if you're watching, how is that offshore drilling working out for ya?" —David Letterman

"Bad news, it's going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good news is they think now that the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps." —David Letterman

 

"Why so down buddy?"
"Its my fiancé"
"What about her?"
"Think I'm gonna have ta leave her"
"What?! Just the other day you were raving and couldn't wait to get married!"
"Well, things are getting kinda boring"
"What things? you mean in the sack?"
"Yeah"
"Aww man that's easy! Just flip her over every now and then"
"Have you lost your mind?! That's how you end up with children!"

-----------------

Where do you get your scan logs from?


A scan tree.

------------------

IM tech support

user:ZOMG!! HALP!!!!!! MY PC NO WORK, PLESE HALP!!!!!!!
tech: I'm sure this must be very frustrating for you, lets see if I can help solve your problems today. What exactly is going wrong?
user:WELL LIEK, OPEN THE THING RIGHT? AND IT DON WERK
tech: Okay, you see the key, often between your control and alt keys, has the same icon as the Windows sticker on the case?
user: YESH
tech: press that key, then press the right arrow key once, then hit enter, and wait for the fix to work...

 

Blond and the Irishman

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Irish Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent".
In tears, she sobbed, "Well , that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
"Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

 

Re: Blond and the Irishman

roflmao LOL Good one, Tony, How ya doing? :-D :-D

 

Re: Blond and the Irishman

"It's Lent".

Good one!! LOL That's probably why my siblings and myself weren't born in the fall. just kidding.

 

Re: Blond and the Irishman

Give what they say about the Irish it probably wasn't very long to begin with. :innocent

 

Re: Blond and the Irishman

Hi TEECEE,
I'm bloody great thank you.
Hows the boss these days
also I was wondering if anyone had heard how Abbysue is

Think i've decided on my epitaph

I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED!!

could be a good thread

bye bye :wave

 

Re: Blond and the Irishman

Hi Mims
You being a bit naughty :confused.

I'm Irish and its not true.
I'll tell you about my tattoo sometime

 

Re: Blond and the Irishman

Two irishmen talking about buying a dog, one says " i think i'll get myself one of those Labradors, i like them " the other says " are you stupid ! have you seen how many people go blind when they get on of those " ! :-D

 

Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly
bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be
deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She
told me that she wanted me just once before I got marrie d and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one
last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside,
all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We
are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

Re: Wedding Test

I heard this before and I went through it once some years ago. I am to loyal and good to do so but man many times a nice looking girl does these when your in a relationship just sucks

 

Re: Blond and the Irishman

Just been on E Bay. Saw Raoul Moat's Lexus up for sale. Bargain of the century.....he only wants coppers for it.
Not such a mystery now why he wanted Ray Mears' box set for Xmas.

 

Re: Blond and the Irishman

Hi Tony, I am very much Irish too, and really enjoyed that one roflmao
The boss is doing quite well, thank you, and he has been told to listen to Nurse Ratchet more. LOL Nice to get that from a Dr.! That was today's visit. Nice! Yes, he is a very good patient. Does what the Dr. tells him, so I can't complain.

Oh, now, why would you have I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED!! for an epitaph? Did you NOT listen to your Nurse Ratchet ? That will do it for sure!:-D

I hope you are feeling better.

 

Re: Blond and the Irishman

Just heard that Raoul Moat's had a text from Wayne Bridge telling him that JT's been shaggin his lass !

 

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel,are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

I must never show my husband this list! :eek

 

omg Mims, what a fun guy he must be rolleyes:-D

 

I can honestly picture him doing some of those things when he gets bored at Target! Especially the one with the condom boxes, the tent in the camping department, the voice in the clothing rack, or the demand for toilet paper in the fitting room... :eek

He's actually a lot of fun... sometimes I think he thinks his mission in life is to make me laugh. Silly guy. LOL

 

Some of those are pretty imaginative.

 

When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped that sh*t after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian section'
A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head


thanks go to my mum for send this in an email to me

 

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter--ten men and
one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so
they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all
going to fall.

They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very
touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the
rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for
her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always
making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her
speech, all the men started clapping their hands....

 

Child crying in a shopping mall.
Security guard, what’s up?
Child, I’ve lost my granddad.
Security Guard, What’s he like.
Child, Malt Whiskey and ladies with big Boobs.

 

Topical

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"



"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

 

Tom Thumb, Cinderella and Quasimodo were discussing their lives

Tom Thumb claimed to be the smallest man in the world.
Cinderella claimed to be the prettiest girl in the land.
Quasimodo claimed to be the ugliest man in the world
They sought conformation from a Major Geek.
All smiles Tom Thumb comes out after consulting Mimsy its true I’m the smallest.
Beaming all over her face Cinderella comes back from consulting the beautiful Mimsy its true I’m the prettiest.
Quasimodo returns really angry, and muttering who the hell is Tonyhale

 

Remember, Tony.
You didn't hear that from us.





Yet.:-D

 

I was going to put halow2 but though I'd better not

 

halow2 is fine as it is not a username on this site. hrlow2 is another matter...

 

Besides, too much devil in me for a halo, much less 2.

 

The first wife’s education, and other timely anecdotes.

On the eve of Australia Day an item on a Sydney journalist's blog drew some pretty funny responses.
The original report concerned an Australian who’s tired of Australian jokes from his co-workers in England...

SkippyTony:
Geez mate, better warn that Geoff Stephens not to move here (New Zealand), it is a constant hot bed of racial vilification. I’d been at work here for about two weeks when everyone started calling me skip. Fair enough, I thought, it’s an old joke but a goodie, (Skippy the bush kangaroo for your American readers). Well, we are in the pub one Friday after work, and the big boss walks up to a group of us. He asks me in his broad Scots accent. so, why do they call you skip? I was just about to launch into an explanation about 1960s Australian TV shows when one of my workmates chimes in “cause he’s full of sh*t”.


Elsie:
When I became engaged to an Aussie overseas I did a crash course in Australian culture. I went to see “Summer of the Seventeenth Doll” and “The Shiralee”. I wept buckets over “Seven Little Australians”. Read all the Billabong books and one called “The stars are my blanket” (well the local Library did not have a big Australian section)

It was a little different when I arrived!

My favourite culture shock stories after arriving (it was QLD in the 60′s)

Going into a cafe in Queen street and asking for a Cappuccino, and being met with a blank state and a “What’s that?”

Leaving a note for the milkman, “Please leave a carton of yogurt.”
Next day on the note was written. ‘What is it?”


Maverick:
My first wife (English I assume – G6) was 23 before she found out that pommie and bastard were two separate words.



Geoff:
A bloke walks into a brothel and says: “I’m a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?”
The madam replies $60.
“Wow! What do I get for that?”
“A baggy green cap and an Australia cricket shirt.”



JokesRus:
A man has an interview for immigration to Australia.
The interviewer says to him: “Do you have a police record?”
“What?” replies the man. “Do you still need one to get in?”



Dave of Riverina:
Can’t understand this racism towards Australians. Other than a suntan, a tall athletic physique devoid of the effects of childhood rickets and straight white teeth, there is nothing that would distinguish the average Australian from the average Englishman.


Australians are very relaxed about laughing at themselves. But we ESPECIALLY like laughing at one particular group of Australians:

A Tasmanian mate of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend AND her twin. I asked, “How can you tell them apart?”
He said, “Her brother’s got a moustache.”

Happy Australia Day, one and all.

 

Re: The first wife’s education, and other timely anecdotes.

The English and Australian relationship is quite unique in the world,I don't know of two other countries that openly ridicule each other as much as we do while remaining friends and allies.

Happy Australia to you

 

Re: The first wife’s education, and other timely anecdotes.

Strange isn't it? We are both allied with the US, but the relationship is a touch more restrained all round.
Maybe if they played cricket... The United States First XI walking on to the MCG on Boxing Day. What a thought.

 

Re: The first wife’s education, and other timely anecdotes.

We don't mind that you're Australian.
We love you anyway.

 

A Few Quickies

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite. All he wanted to do was
eat, drink and be Mary



Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for
some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.



I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban,
beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind



After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next
to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.



Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's
hope it's not the 13th then."



My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover
the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.



Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it
gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.



I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest
I only intended to rough him up a bit.



After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.



A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part
in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25
years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking
part."



Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can
supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier
I think.



Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white
they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I
think they were Hovis Witnesses.

 

Re: A Few Quickies

Not bad, some of those made me chuckle.LOL

 

WHY MEN SHOULDN'T BE AGONY AUNTS !!!!!!

Dear Jim,
I left home last night and after less then a mile my car broke down, so i walked back home, only to find my husband in bed with the 19yrold babysitter, they announced that they had been having an affair for over 2yrs, they where in love, and he said he was leaving me !
I'm Really desperate can you help me PLEASE !

Dear Reader
The most common cause of of vehicles breaking down, is dirt in the fuel lines, if this is not the cause then it's most probably the alternator !
Hope my advice is helpful in your situation !
Jim !!!

:-D:-D:-D:-D

 

Shamelessly ripped from another forum.
(They'll live.)

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever! The case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

********
Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my SISTER had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for $ 35 million, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my SISTER Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem

 

A G.W.Bush moment:

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering f*rt ever heard in the British Empire. The f*rt shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush saying: "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied: "You’re Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I just thought it was one of the horses”.

 

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no. I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.

I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no . . . . I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

 

Pretty good, hvt.
Loved both of them.

 

Re: The first wife’s education, and other timely anecdotes.

What can I say? Some of my best friends, etc etc

 

Now I know I'm getting old.
The first time I heard this joke it featured Idi Amin, not GWB.

 

A small quote from Unacceptable Mixture by Leopoldo Chariarse (I'm not making this up), which I own in an anthology of weirdness called THIS FISH IS LOADED!

...I took my place in the cabin of the hydroplane that had brought me from Masisea and was to take me to my destination, when a traveler occupying the seat to my right - a bald man, with specacles and something about him of the attorney or the ecclesiastic - asked me:
'Do you know how many planes have come down this year on our route?'
As I had no idea, I declared brutally:
'Ours will make it an even half-dozen.'

 

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about
to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and makes it long and sensuous.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting.

You could be famous!
Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

 

to hvt

It appears that we "shop" at the same forum.