Jokes v.3

Velly intellesting

 

Do you, by any chance, swing by TSF?

 

Never heard of it

 

Jokes

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what's the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to sh*t yourself if I tell you the price!"


*********************************


John was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.

“What’s up John” asked the Landlord…

“It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”

“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age” said the landlord, sympathetically.

“ I only wish it was that” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”

“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the landlord

“It’s not” said John…







“the little prick stuck a pin in all my condoms”

 

Re: Jokes

WARNING :?!!! If you get a text or an email today saying " You can catch swine flu from tinned pork " just delete it cause it's SPAM ! :-D


My girlfriend thinks i'm a stalker ?
Well ! Actually she's not my girlfriend yet !

 

How the Internet started:

How the Internet started:

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here's the TRUE story ....

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"
And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began.

Truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuly!

dave

 

Driving Test

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car...

His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

*

*

*

*

*

*

--- his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

 

Jokes. v3

How things really work

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street ; one from London , another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool ..

They go with a government official to examine the wall.

The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'

'Done!' replies the government official. rolleyes

And that friends, ...... is how it all works.

 

Re: Jokes. v3

class..... :cool

 

Female lonely hearts ads

FEMALE LONELY HEARTS ADS

What they really mean:


ADVENTUROUS = Puts it about

ATHLETIC = No boobs

30 SOMETHING = 41

FUN = Annoying

WILD = Gets drunk easily

BEAUTIFUL EYES = Face like a robber's dog

SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR = Ex-Husbands a nutter

NEW-AGE = Hairy and smelly

HEADSTRONG = Argumentative

ENJOYS PUBBING & CLUBBING = Alcoholic

CURVY = Fatso

CUDDLY = Very Fatso

LIKES EATING OUT = Greedy fatso

LIKES NIGHTS IN = Lazy fatso


dave

 

You sure got that right, Tim.:dood
Some people aren't happy unless they are living on the edge.rolleyes

 

"Stole" this from another site.

Only an Aussie man can make you feel like a woman
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely.
She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,'
she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of
the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went,
one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled
across his chest. She gasped...
Then, he spoke...
'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.

 

Bubba had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room..

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

 

Hope Bubba was paid by the hour, not by the job.:-D:-D

 

Swedish Virgin






Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, takes a
lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in
agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said
'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my
fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.'

The doctor told him, 'Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to
let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but
leave it in there as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors
and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all
together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olaf mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their
honeymoon to Duluth .

That night in the motel 6, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her
beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, 'Olaf...you' re the first
vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.'

Olaf immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis Lena
...... ..still in DA CRATE!

 

Okay, okay...

Man goes to the doctor, says: "D-D-Doc, I got this p-p-problem - I can't quit st-st-stuttering..."

Doc examines him, determines that his penis size is the cause of the trouble.

Man says: "S-S-So, what can you do abou-bou-bout it?"

Doc tells him that if he cuts out 6 inches, the stuttering will be cured.

Man thinks about it, finally says "Ok-k-kay".


**************************

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A couple of months after the operation, the man goes back to the doctor's office and tells him: "Doc, you cured my stuttering completely. However, my love life is suffering, so I must have my 6 inches back."

Doc says: "S-S-Sorry".

 

Buddhist monk walks up to a hotdog stall smiles,

Make me one with everything

 

Three men talking about their wives


1st man I call my wife Flamingo, because she is tall and elegant.

2nd man I call my wife Dove because she is soft and loving.

3rd man I call mine Thrush because she an irritable so an so

 

Not actually a joke, but the humor is certainly evident:

Hi all,

We are frustrated with the IRS in the states....but it's a little
different with Inland Revenue (IR) in Britian....
This letter writer from the IR to a "customer" has a unique sense of
humor and shows a lot of patience...

This is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had
to ask for special permission to print it. The funniest part of this is
imagining the content of the letter sent to the Tax Office which prompted
this reply!


Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply
to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you
raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a
"begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a
"tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for
reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of
crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on
to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not
seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that
their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and
***** gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them
next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little
ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that
the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come
to that, a "sodding charity".. More likely they see you as a citizen
of Great Britain , with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of
the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of
truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the
canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's
rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the
government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole *****
party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's
disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are,
in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is
spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores"
whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for
example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do
with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with
nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because
even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer
medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any
way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to
point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree
up and go and live in India " you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue

 

One day an old German-Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German-Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German-Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That German-Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German-Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German-Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral - Don't mess with the old dogs, age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

 

So I was out on the town, saw a nice looking lady, and figured I had nothing to lose with starting up a conversation.

After a while of my witty banter, the lass asked "You wouldn't happen to have a pen?"

I, excitedly thinking I was going to get her phone number, saided "Sure, I do" and fumbled around for it.

She replied "Well, maybe you should bugger off back to it before the farmer knows you are gone."

 

Zinger.

 

I like them.



I was up north visting a friend and being poor I wasn't staying at the best of hotels. I called up and asked for a wake up call.

The front desk lady said, "You are fat, ugly, and work a crap job. How's that work for you?"

I replied, "Maybe I will just set an alarm then..."

 

I think I stayed there once.

 

Once you get past the horrible customer service, the total lack of amenities, and the odd smell of the horse rendering plant, it ain't so bad.

 

Horse-rendering plant?:confused
I thought it was the desk clerk. :-D

 

In the US it is illegal to slaughter an animal that didn't have a perfect bill of health. Slaughter is for human consumption. Anything else is called rendering and typically it goes for dog/cat food and the like.

Horses are very typically rendered, not slaughtered. Rendering plants tend to really smell bad because they get animals that died previously to be destroyed.

 

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all
over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and
give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body
wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see
where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for
waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him,
so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
The *** hole is usually in charge

 

Sex And Good Grammar

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,"This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' "

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end
our sentences with a preposition, because we
could end up with a dangling participle.

 

Funny

You may have already seen this one but I think it's worth repeating. :-D

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'


In response to Bill 's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call ' customer service ' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

 

I admit I'm don't have much technical knowhow. So when one of the guys at work said his computer wouldn't turn on, all I could suggest was 'Try some soft music and a slinky black dress.'

 

Maybe some wine and a nice dinner by candlelight?

 

Guy walks up to a bartender and says, "I'll have a Bin Laden." Bartender says, "What's a Bin Laden?" Guy says, "Two shots and a splash of water!"

Cheers..

 

Federal Reserve Gas Coupon

I didn't realize it, but these coupons are good for one gallon of gas at most retailers. I have seen them around, but until recently never took advantage of them, I never realized their actual worth.

You probably have one or two just lying around somewhere, now is the time to use them before they lose their value, and it's too late!!

SEE COUPON BELOW...






















































http://media.cmgdigital.com/shared/img/photos/2011/05/05/five_dollar_bill.jpg



My coworker examined one for over a minute amazed at it's crisp features. She asked where I got it at. "I think this one came from Safeway!"
LOL

 

Some Quickies

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that? ... 2:30am!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
***

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, but I managed to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
***

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
***

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest, most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies, " Well, we were married for nearly 20 years "
***

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"Damn that" says Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?!"
***

:-D:-D

dave

 

Old Biker (Joke)

An old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: £2.00

HAMBURGER: £2.25

CHEESEBURGER: £2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH :£3.50

HAND JOB: £50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The old biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The old' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

:-D:-D

 

Blond Joke

A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up,

"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".

"Why do you think that ?" he said.

"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says

"stit ruoy su wohs".

 

Who was Jesus?

Who was Jesus?


There were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus could have been a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it..
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

 

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ”None, they all fly away with the first gun shot”

The teacher replies “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then Little Johnny says “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone”

To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”

 

Something from my archives.

 

in my archives as well.

 

WOW

Sounds like my wife !!!!:-D

 

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains t...hat he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this.", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager, and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there, who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use THIS as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Cheers..

 

The joke will be played on you. When seeing the pic on the website just move your mouse towards the person. http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/slaan.html

 

Two old guys talking.

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV."

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!

 

On a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit ...

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit , there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

 

THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.


"What happened to you?" asked his wife.


"I had a terrible day." replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.


When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.


Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.


So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."


"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?



Roy replied: "Wrong room."