Paraprosdokian Sentences

Whatever that means!

• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
• I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
• I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive; you only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
• There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
• I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

Reminds me of this exchange from one of the Addams Family movies:

Gomez: Don't worry, Fester. Somewhere, there's a woman just right for you.

Fester: You mean.... one who WON'T press charges?

 

...the hell???

 

This one actually made me laugh out loud.

 

I read the first four then thanked you,I could have pressed the thanks button 2-3 more times.

This one took me a few seconds:-D "The second mouse gets the cheese?WTH?????Ahhhhh haha."

It forced me to watch a mouse get killed in a mousetrap in my head,then I watched the cheeky second mouse scurry off with the cheese.:-D

 

:-D I did the exact same thing!.... except my mental story continued on and the cheeky 2nd mouse got mugged by 3 other mice on it's way back to it's house.

 

Pepole in glass houses should not throw stones, or get undressed with the light on

 

"Hey honey,do you press charges?":-D

 

For the Record: A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists

Those are pretty funny, btw. I found these and they made me giggle.

"He was at his best when the going was good." —Alistair Cooke on the Duke of Windsor
"There but for the grace of God — goes God." —Winston Churchill
"If I am reading this graph correctly — I'd be very surprised." —Stephen Colbert
"You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing—after they have tried everything else." —Winston Churchill
"If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised." —Dorothy Parker
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." —Groucho Marx
"A modest man, who has much to be modest about." —Winston Churchill
"She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say 'when'." —P. G. Wodehouse
"I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks." —Emo Phillips
"If I could say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker." —Homer Simpson
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." —Mitch Hedberg
"I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night." —Bill Hicks

 

Thanks Wenchie. I was gonna get around to looking that up. If I was a comedien I'd come up with a paraprosdokian sentence to put here.

roflmao

 

I wanted to give you a paraprosdokian sentence but I'm gonna let you off with a fine.

:cool

 

Sounds like one of the dumb things they sometimes show on America's Funniest Home Videos,
and then play canned laughter while they simultaneously light up the Applause sign in the studio.

WRONG. They're already equal.
Check out those overly plump gals with the super tight designer jeans.
Oh, sorry, no offense, I meant genes.

A man ahead of his time.

 

That is a new phenomenon in the UK also,overly tight pants and a big fat gut with a belly button ring.:confused

I like to think its because young girls are liberated and don't care what they look like but I'm pretty sure they think they look awesome.

Over here its called muffin top.:-D