Old Unrepentant Returning.

Hi,
My name is Harry, and I first joined this forum on the first October 2003, but I`m afraid I let my membership slip so badly that I have now had to re-register.
If there is anyone who rembrs that far back, I used to be known as the "Bad Joker", because of all the bad jokes I told.
Well , I`m sorry but I still tell awful jokes!

Seriously this forum has given me, and a lot of other folks, a whole mountain of good advice over the years, and I, for one , hope it keeps on doing so for a long time yet!

Regards,
Harry.

 

Welcome back Harry. I don't remember you but a bad joke might set my memory to work.:-D

 

Hi Augiedoggie,
Thanks for reply, I remember you, but I was known as just simply "Harry" before, but changed my email address, so had to re-register.
No problem, and the jokes as still as bad, for example:-



Adelaide Woman.

A young Adelaide woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Kangaroo Island Ferry.":wave

 

Now I remember you Harry!:-D

 

Hi David,
Its nice to be back, and my old user name and password work just fine, thank you.
I cannot remember where I got that avatar from, but it is pretty distinctive, and just to qualify the name "Bad Joker" try this :-

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Jaysus Paddy, what in hell d’yis t’ink yer doing?"

Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter.....

Harry.

 

Thanks Kestrel,
This is really bad :-


Fast Food.

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time!


I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so p**sed if it's not ready on time."


When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.


She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.


"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day?"


Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified.


"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed!?


Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"


The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his a**e."


Regards,
Harry.

 

Good lord.... lol

Welcome back btw :major

 

THE STORY OF TWO PRAWNS

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming
around.

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his
old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and
lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin began to realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of
his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he
thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends
and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his
old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the
enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he
set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come
out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........

(You're going to love this, Scroll down...............................)

'I've found Cod.


I'm a Prawn again Christian'


Harry.

 

Only a Canadian, (and possibly a GP) can truly appreciate this!


A woman from Vancouver, who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland near Lake Cowichan, Vancouver Island.

There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract.

She wanted to view the natural splendour of her land, so she climbed the tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered an endangered spotted owl.

It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground.

The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away in Duncan.

She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience.

He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help.

The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

He smiled and said, 'Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada, the BC Forest Service and Work safe BC, before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'


Harry.

 

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub.

The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”.





Harry.

 

There was a Scottish painter named Hamish Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where it could, so he regularly thinned down his paint to make it go just a wee bit further.



As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Wee Frees decided to do a restoration job on the outside of one of their largest buildings.
Hamish put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Hamish was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Hamish clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.


Hamish was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke







"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"


Harry.

 

My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian warrior on his back.

Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand".

The tattooist said "Give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!!!"


Harry

 

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat,
And one says to the other, "I hear that the people
In this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
In America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling,
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk
Towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers......

"What part did you get?"



Harry.

 

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his
father " Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and
'realistically'?"

His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-ho son.....go and ask
your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would!
She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she
would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if
he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad........

Theoretically, we could be sitting on three million quid.

Realistically, we're living with two tarts and a poof.



Harry.

 

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth....
When she was discharged from the hospital and back home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet ,' she said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'




'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'


'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'



Harry.

 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"


Harry.

 

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Harry

 

You have been warned !




King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression: "He who has a Tates is lost!"

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

Once upon a time there were three Indian squaws: One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, an d the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."


Harry.

( Well you moved me):-D

 

Yeah, I remember ya. Welcome back, 'Private Bad Joker'.

 

Brian, the wasp expert

Brian, The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.

"Just Released - New DVD -Wasps of the
World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the DVD on for you."

Brian, The world expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces,

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that
they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.

"I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant.............



......."I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."



Harry.