Jokes v.3

Differance between grandfathers & grandmothers

Try to look at this as humor. Substitute political party referance if it will help you laugh at the concept.


There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy… -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, Pa Pa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ***, liberal pinko democrat Obama lover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"



Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

 

Misunderstanding of a word

I was in a pub last night and saw two large girls by the bar.
They both had strange accents so I said, "Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?"
One of them screamed, "Its WALES you idiot!"

So I immediately apologized and said,

"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?

 

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. > His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. > "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. > He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. > Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store... > He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.. > Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. > When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. > When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. > "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. > He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

 

A Hiroshima crap can really ruin your day.

 

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:


FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century


Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
> ____________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Why are you late?
> STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
> ____________________________________
> TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
> JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
> __________________________________________
> TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
> GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
> TEACHER: No, that's wrong
> GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
> (I Love this child)
> ____________________________________________
> TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
> DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
> TEACHER: What are you talking about?
> DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
> __________________________________
> TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
> WINNIE: Me!
> __________________________________________
> TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
> GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
> _______________________________________
> TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
> MILLIE: I is..
> TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
> MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
> ________________________________
> TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
> but also admitted it.
> Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
> LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
> ______________________________________
> TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
> SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
> ______________________________
> TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
> Did you copy his?
> CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
>
> (I want to adopt this kid!!!)
> ___________________________________
> TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
> are no longer interested?
> HAROLD: A teacher


Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

 

20 TOP ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you pass wind.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse - then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

A man had just Boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to $hit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

 

What did the Mother Buffalo say to the Boy Buffalo when he went off to college?
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Bison...
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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the
United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are
about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a
sudden Luis says:
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune,
& there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double
smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that
smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
With that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within
5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a
machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it? "
"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...
Ees....
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees.... a ham bush."

 

Ponder this;


Does a cyber cafe have chips on the menu?

 

I don't know, but they do have cookies. :-D:-D

 

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Green Tree Snakes (Dendrolaphis punctulata) can be dangerous.

Yes, tree snakes or grass snakes, not brown snakes or taipans. Here's why.



A couple in Townsville, had a lot of potted plants.

During a recent cold winter (for Townsville that is!),

the wife was bringing some of the valued tender ones

indoors to protect them from the cold night.


It turned out that a little green tree snake was hidden in one of the plants.

When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the lounge.
She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.

She told him there was a snake under the lounge.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.

He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The paramedics rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the lounge and the paramedic saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake.

He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the lounge..

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the lounge in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around

She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the lounge.

The neighbour, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at Woolies, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth

and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him,

so she assumed that the snake had bitten him.

She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.

They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the lounge and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.

He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table.

The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the curtains.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning curtains and called in the fire brigade.

The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street.

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! The snake was caught and both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.

The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

 

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a
little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly the lion grabs her by the
cuff of her jacket and tried to pull her inside to slaughter her, under
the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps of the Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square
on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl and
the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the
Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've
seen a man do in my life."

The Harley rider replies,"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind
bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front
page….So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation
do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The journalist leaves.

The following day the biker buys the paper to see news of his
actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS
AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news
these days.

 

A drunk man who smelled like beer
sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face
was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking
out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and
began reading.

After a few minutes the man
turned to the priest and asked,
'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose
living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow
man, sleeping around with prostitutes
and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response,
'Well, I'll be damned, '
Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what
he had said, nudged the man
and apologized. 'I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

 

Fannie Reid fae Peterheed

In the Aberdeenshire countryside a man enters the local Catholic Church
and at confessional says to the Priest, "Faither, it has been one month
since my last confession, and I've sinned wi Fannie Reid every wik for
the past month."

The Priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven.

Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional.

"Faither, it has been twa months since my last confession.
I have sinned wi Fannie Reid twice a week for the past twa months."

This time the Priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Reid?"

"A new lassie in the neighbourhood, she is affa, affa bonny, she looks a
wee bit like Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz" the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the Priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the Priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon, when a beautiful woman looking a little bit like Judy Garland,
with a tiny dog a little bit like Toto enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she goes up the aisle, and sits down
in front of the Altar.
Her dress is very short, and she is wearing shiny ruby red shoes.

The Priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The Priest turns to the altar boy and asks in a whisper,
"Is that Fannie Reid?.

The altar boy replies ... .............


"A dinna think so Faither, a think it's jist the reflection fae her
shoes!

 

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.
Its the Bullshit and *** Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

 

Subject: FW: why I forward jokes
> To:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Subject: Fwd: why I forward jokes
>
> Subject: Why I forward jokes
>
>
>
>
> This explains why I forward jokes. A man and his dog were walking
> along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly
> occurred to him that he was dead.
>
>
> He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead
> for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
>
>
> After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one
> side of the road. It looked like fine marble... At the top of a long
> hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
>
>
> When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch
> that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate
> looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as
> he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
>
> When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'
>
> 'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.. 'Wow! Would you happen to
> have some water?' the man asked.
>
>
> Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought
> right up. 'The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
>
>
> 'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveller
> asked.
>
> 'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
>
>
> The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and
> continued the way he had been going with his dog.
> After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came
> to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had
> never been closed. There was no fence.
>
>
> As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree
> and reading a book.
>
>
> 'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
>
>
> 'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
> 'How about my friend here?' the traveller gestured to the dog.
> 'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
>
>
> They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an
> old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
>
>
> The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself,
> then he gave some to the dog.
>
> When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was
> standing by the tree.
>
>
> 'What do you call this place?' the traveller asked.
>
>
> 'This is Heaven,' he answered.
>
>
> 'Well, that's confusing,' the traveller said. 'The man down the road
> said that was Heaven, too.'
>
>
> 'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.
> That's hell.'
>
>
> 'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
>
> 'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave
> their best friends
> behind.'
> Soooo...
>
>
> Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without
> writing a word.
>
> Maybe this will explain.
>
>
> When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what
> you do? You forward jokes.
>
>
> When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward
> jokes.
>
>
> When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know
> how, you forward jokes.
>
>
> Also to let you
> know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are
> still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded
> joke.
>
> So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent
> just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today
>
>
> You are welcome @ my water bowl anytime
>

 

A pair of newlyweds are in their honeymoon suite and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

 

HOW TO PASS AWAY A WEEK.

MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward
he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a
damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said,
'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

THURSDAY

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman..

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defence.
'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92,if he could screw, he could fly.'

FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'

SATURDAY

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

SUNDAY

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through
the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

 

Ponderisims.


Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?




Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...


Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why

do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?






Why do they use sterilized needles
for death by lethal injection?



Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my
FAVORITE.........

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

~~~ Now send this on to your friends and make them smile too! ~~~

 

Funny joke I'd never heard before:

A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name.

The wife, amused at first, chuckles.

A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. "Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!" She gets very frustrated.

Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!"

The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"

 

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard, and asked him, “Grampa, what is couple sex?”
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, “Why did you ask this question, honey?”
The little girl replied, “Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”

 

A priest was once sitting on a room when a nun passed by..

Priest: Sister, come inside.
Nun: (hesitantly entered) Yes father? rolleyes
Priest: Close the door.
Nun: (closed the door) Oh my. :confused
Priest: Turn off the light.
Nun: (turned the light off) OMG..
Priest: Come beside me.
Nun: (went beside the priest) :-o
Priest: Take a look at my Rosary. It glows in the dark.

 

I'm just an old fun-breaker-upper

 

Actually, I thought your version was funnier LOL

 

:-o:-o:-o:-o
You're just saying that because I'm a mod, right?

 

2 a.m. police stop

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. And is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about gambling, alcohol abuse. and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife...."

 

I heard that one on one of 'Jethro's' shows, (U.K. comedian). .LOL

 

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

 

Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes off of it. One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop.

When he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital. The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asked, "Are you hurt?"

"AM I HURT?" he shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't called, he hasn't written..." ...

 

I saw this article on the MSN site.

"Doc implores nation to stop this senseless war against pubic hair."


In the responce area some one wrote,

"Did you hear about the blonde who tattooed a sea shell on her inter thigh. She said when you listen to it you can smell the ocean."



:-D :-D

 

Think Like a Farm Boy


A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door...



"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."



The rancher stood there for a few minutes,

shifting from one foot to the other,

and mumbling to himself.



"Is there anything I can do for you?

I know where all the tools are,

if you want to borrow one,

or I can give dad a message."



"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably,

"I really wanted to talk to your Dad.

It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'



The boy thought for a moment.

"You would have to talk to Dad about that.

I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog,

but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

 

The $50 Lesson

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard,
my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking
their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl
what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted
to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats
, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what
would be the first thing you would do?" She replied... "I'd give
food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed
with pride! "Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have
to wait until you're President to do that!" I told her. "What do you
mean?" she replied. So I told her, "You can come over to my
house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and
I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where
the homeless guy hangs out and give him the $50 to use toward
food and a new house." She thought that over for a few
seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work,
and you can just pay him the $50?" I said,
"Welcome to the Republican Party." Her parents aren't speaking
to me anymore.

 

3 Rules for males over 65.

1) Never miss the opportunity for a pee (take a leak)

2) Never trust a fart

3) if you get an erection use it even if your on your own

 

I found the best way for guys to get away with thinking:


I don't have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.

 

They were never there...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNHb3lZobt0

Sorry if too explicit.

 

Never force children to pray !

At dinner, a little boy was ordered by his father to lead in prayer .

BOY: But I don’t know how to pray .
DAD : Just pray for your family members , friends and neighbors , the poor , etc .....
BOY : “Dear Lord,” he started
Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream .
Bless them so they won’t come again !
Forgive our neighbor’s son , who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed yesterday .

This coming Christmas , please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy’s blackberry mobile phone .

And provide shelter , Lord , to the homeless men who use mom’s room when daddy is at work ..

AMEN

 

A reporter was cruising the Olympic village and saw a guy carrying a long pole.

The reporter asked: "Are you a pole vaulter?"

The guy answered: "No, I'm German - and how did you know my name is Walter?"

roflmao

 

:major

Donald Rumsfeld called George W. Bush to report: "Mr. President, three Brazilian soldiers just got killed in Iraq."

W. took the news very hard - after wiping his eyes and clearing his throat, he muttered: "That's awful, Donald. Just how many's in a 'brazilion'?"

:major

 

I don't care who you are, that is funny. Clinton would have known about the brazilion.
:-D

 

Hehehe :-D :-D


a bit sad that it seems quite believable :roflmao

 

LOL. I had a good laugh.

 

:major
DRINKING IN GALWAY

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home.
In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's....
The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.
When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London ,
the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the
first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me
favorite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy
you a drink,
then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had
enough drinks,
they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to
me sister quite a few times."

:major

 

Knock, knock...

 

Here is an oldie but goodie about efficiency in a restaurant :-D

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.
The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

ewwww :yum

 

And another about the compassion of lawyers roflmao

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."
"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

roflmao

 

Found another couple maybe worth a chuckle :major

The super baby

A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Why, yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.
The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts, doesn't it!

Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You are all here because you have obsessions," he said.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He then turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Your daughter is even named Brandy after your favourite drink.
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

Enjoy
roflmao

 

Man brandishing a gun walks into a bar and exclaims:

"WHO'S BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE?!?!?!!!"

A voice from the corner of the room says:

"Ya' ain't got enough bullets mate!"


:-D

 

Saw this on the facebook.

"The next time you call in sick for work, tell them you have Anal Blindness." As in I just can't see my arse going to work today... :-D