Jokes

Golfing nun

A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.

"I used some horrible language this week, and I feel absolutely terrible about it".

"When did you use this awful language?" asked the Mother superior

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going only about
100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," said the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Mother superior again.

"Well, no." said the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"IS THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Mother Superior.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about two feet from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighed and said,

"You missed the f---ing putt, didn't you?"

 

think some of us have a bazaar sense of humor, speaking of------

1.Click on the link below.
2. Click once on the snowman to activate the penguin
3. Click again on the snowman to hit the penguin as he descends from the cliff. When you connect, it is fun to see how far the penguin will travel ...

Have Fun!!!!!!!!

Click here: Smack the Penguin http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf

 

cool darlene, 323.4 so far

 

wow best I did on 1st one was 287

 

yeah lucky shot, best since is about 295

 

Your tied with bigarrick http://forums.majorgeeks.com/showthread.php?t=110999

 

Three Wise Women


Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?

They would have asked directions,
Arrived on time,
Helped deliver the baby,
Cleaned the stable,
Brought practical gifts.
And made a casserole

But do you know what they would have said as they were leaving.
As they left they would have said.

“Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown”.
“The baby doesn’t even look a bit like Joseph”.
“Can you believe they let all those disgusting animals in there”.
“And that donkey that they’re riding has seen better days too”.
“I heard that Joseph isn’t working right now”.
“Want to bet how long it will take before we get the casserole dish back”.
“Virgin my butt, I knew her in school”http://img147.imageshack.us/img147/8500/merryxmasiconxi1.gif

 

The Redneck Night Before Christmas

To our Major Geeks favorite "Redneck" Mankind and all his Redneck friends here


It was the night before Christmas, when all through the trailer park
Not a pop-top was poppin', not even Ole Blue barked.
Our stockin's was hung over the space heater with care,
In hopes Santy would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.

The kids was alseep in their NASCAR pj's,
Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters, Moon pies, and RC's.
And Earlene in her curlers and me in my John Deere cap
Had just settled into our La-Z-Boys for Wheel of Fourtune and a nap.

Then out in the vacent lot I heard such a commotion
I thought it was neighbor Clyde, finally got his T'bird in motion.
I heaved out of my recliner and to the window I flew,
Busted out the screen and hollered for Blue.

The moon was shinin' down on my old wrecked cars
So bright they was sparklin' like rusty old stars.
And I couldn't believe my own hardworking eyes
When a jacked up Ford pickup come flyin' through the sky!

Faster'n Ole Ironhead hs possums they came
And he whooped and hollered and called 'em by name
Git up Sooner! Hi Duke! Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!
On Blackie! On Queenie! You mind me Duchess and Bud!

To the top of the satellite dish! To the top of the shed!
Now move it! Step on it! Y'all get out the lead!
You know how, on our road, when a car goes by,
There's all this dirt flies up into the sky?

That's how this crew went staight on up to my roof
With that pickup full of toys, a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.
Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in I heard up on the tin
The scrabbling around of them Flying possums of his'n.

I yanked my head back in the trailer and hitched up my shorts...
Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came with a grunt and a snort!
He was dressed in red-and-green camo from his neck to his feet
And I had to give him credit he still had most his teeth.

Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale slung on his back-
There was flyswatters an' Tupperware an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.
His eye took in our humble home
The furniture we bought on layaway in town...

Earline's pride, that Elvis on velvet...
My collections of barbed wire... and license plates made by relatives.
I coulda' swore I even saw a glistening tear
When his eye fell on sweet Earlene, a snorin'in her chair.

He kindly favored Hank, Jr., with a big round belly
That shook when he laughed like a blob of K-Y jelly.
Yep, he was fat all right, blocked out our whole Large screen TV,
And I had to laugh when I saw him, 'cause he looked just like me!

When he winked his eye I knew fer sure he'd treat us right-
Why, he might even leave me some ammo tonight!
I stood there dreamin' of whitetail while I watched him work,
Then he stopped and, like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.

He topped off our stockin's with Moon Pies and bottle rockets,
Then squoze up that dryer vent like spam in your pocket.
He jumped in his pickup, laid down on the horn...I'm not lying'!
And they took off like white lightnin' with their possum tails flyin'.

But I heard him holler as headed for the 7-11....
"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL,
AND MAY ALL REDNECKS GO TO HEAVEN!"
http://img282.imageshack.us/img282/1143/xmasicon2fh1.gif

 

funny BC, got a little meany avatar there huh?

 

Yea, I throw a mean snowball for a Elf, Darlene. Old S Claus chucked Timmie and me out for snowball fighting. Old Timmie put a Rock in his snowball and missed me and took out the Old Elf's Picture window, wish that boy would wear his glasses...............

Sad News at Xmas Time


It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news.
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, who has a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart "cookie", wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

The funeral was held at 350° for about 20 minutes.

 

Church Organist



Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.


The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

 

LOL, beats a flu shot!

 

Couldn't figure out what you meant until I saw your post in the lounge, sorry, didn't steal it, came in my email so I put it here. Does that make sense? I just woke up.

 

oh no--- I use to brag the girls from Brazil and my family were the same nationality,-- NO LONGER!!!!!
oh wait that didn't come out right.

 

Didn't say that ,I got it in a email also ,but right now it's driving me nuts can't quit playing and bjgarrick found better one. http://games.apropo.ro/pingu-stero.php

 

Can that be right????

 

Santa Stress


When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully,

"Merry Christmas, Santa. isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the………………little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

Are you dumb? ( Im nt asking,but its the name of the movie)-Prove that you are not dumb!
www.gamesandmovies.net

Check this one out, Im sure you'll like it. Its no less than a joke!

 

! FINAL WARNING !​

OK Guys, you have been asked several times to keep the jokes clean, the last picture was entirly inappropriate for this forum. I am not trying to spoil anyones fun, I like a joke as much as the next person but please remember this is a family forum and we'd like to keep the content PG-13

Continuing to post innapropriate material will result in this thread being deleted permanently.

 

yeh hay, im the winner

 

I'm dumb

 

Well, I got all three correct – “Congratulations, you are not dumb." But I think I am a bit dumb wasting five minutes on that 'quiz', LoL!

 

They get to call US dumb and they can't even spell the word "answer" correctly on their website

 

Now I'm dumber, didn't even notice that.

 

Great White North Winter Temperatures

Chill in the air, EH?

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably, Canadians plant gardens.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
Italian cars won't start, Canadians drive with the windows down.

32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
American water freezes; Canadian water gets thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (- 17.9° C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last barbecue of the season.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
Mount St. Helen's freezes, Canadians Girl Guides sell cookies door to door.

-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole, the Rideau Canal opens for skating.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes, Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops, Canadians start saying "Cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
Hell freezes over, the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup! (Just for you BirdBath and a Merry Christmas)

 

Mama Rednecks Letter


Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the Newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they would not have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure It works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About the coat you wanted me to send you; your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
Them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks Just like your brother….

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-me-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed



Plumbing Problems

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...."Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma!

Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"



For Major Geeks favorite "Redneck" Mankind, Merry Xmas Bro

 

Farmer & The Lawyer


A lawyer was hunting one day and shot a duck. The duck fell behind a fence, so the lawyer climbed the fence to get it. When he did, the landowner, an old farmer, happened by.

"What do you think you are doing, trespassing on my land?" asked the farmer.

"I shot a duck, and I'm going to collect it. I'll be gone in a minute."

"I don't think so," said the farmer. "The duck landed on my property, so it's mine."

"Listen," said the lawyer. "Maybe you don't understand. I'm a famous trial lawyer and I sue people for a living. Under the law, that duck is rightfully mine. If you don't let me get it, I'll sue you for every dime you are worth."

"Well, I ain't from the city" said the farmer. "Out here we go by the three kick rule."

"I don't know what you are talking about," replied the lawyer.

"I kick you as hard as I want three times, then you get to kick me three times, and it goes on until someone gives. Winner gets the duck."

After looking at the old, frail farmer, the lawyer agrees.

The farmer immediately plants the toe of his size 12 boot into the knee of the lawyer, who shrieks in pain. Then the farmer quickly follows up with a kick in the groin, which drops the lawyer to the ground. The farmer then kicks him once more for good measure. Several minutes later, the lawyer struggles to his feet.

"OK," he gasps, "it's my turn."

"Nah," responded the farmer, "You can have the duck."

 

WHY CHRISTMAS TREES ARE BETTER THAN MEN


1. A Christmas tree is always erect.

2. Even small ones give satisfaction.

3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.

4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even when it's lit.

5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.

6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.

7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.

8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out.

9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

10. You only have to feed/water it once a week.

11. It's always there to light up your life.

12. It gets turned on only when you want it turned on.

13. It always smells nice and doesn't pass gas.

14. If it needles you, you can toss it out.

15. It doesn't ask you to have little Christmas trees.

 

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

 

Tricks to pull on Santa tonite


Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas, " and "Go away Santa"

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says,
"For Santa"

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."



Red Wagon



It was the day AFTER Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The
pastor of the church was looking at the manger scene, when he noticed that
the baby Jesus figure was missing from the cradle. He immediately
turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon walking down
the street. And in the wagon, was the figure of the infant Jesus. So he
walked up to the boy and said, "Son, where did you get that little baby
Jesus that's in your wagon?" The little boy replied, "I got him from
the church." And why did you take him?" asked the pastor. The little boy
replied, "Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed and I told
Jesus if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a
ride in it."


Merry Christmas to all at Major Geeks

 

A Russian and a Czechoslovakian photographer set up camp in Kakadu National Park, in the Northern Territory of Australia, to capture on film the mating habits of crocodiles.

They agreed to report daily to the Park Rangers.

When the photographers failed to call in, the Rangers visited the campsite, finding the 2 men missing and fearing the worst, shot two crocodiles nearby.

They cut open the female croc and found the remains of the Russian photographer inside.

"You know what that means?" said one of the Rangers.

"Yes", his colleague replied.






"The Czech" is in the male.


Bazza, from The Sunday mail Joke of the Week, Dec17,2006.

 

Thats what the kids here call a groaner Bazza, I crack them all the time and yea the kids all groan and raise there eyes thinking dad is demented. I loved it, and have to remember to tell the kids it at Xmas Thanks

 

LoL @ M.K.'s "stinky linky:.

Maybe he lived "down Hershey Road", too, if you get my drift!

 

THE ITALIAN MOTHER
A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." His mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing Ma!! You're right!!!! How did you know!?"
The Italian mother replies, "I don't like her.

 

I'm only sending this to people who know who Gracie Allen was which is an indicator that you are kind of old.......BUT, that is beside the point!

Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef

1 large Roast of beef

1 small Roast of beef

Take the two roasts and put them in the oven. When the little one burns, the big one is done

.
Who's Gracie Allen

 

Gracie Allen:- The original Ditsy "Blonde", with the funniest relatives, and George Burns's soul mate. Thanks for the memories(my apologies to Bob)

After Christmas Jokes


Red Wagon


It was the day AFTER Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking at the manger scene, when he noticed that the baby Jesus figure was missing from the cradle.

He immediately turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon walking down the street. And in the wagon, was the figure of the infant Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, "Son, where did you get that little baby Jesus that's in your wagon?"

The little boy replied, "I got him from the church." And why did you take him?" asked the pastor.

The little boy replied, "Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed and I told Jesus if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride in it."




The Twelve Days After Christmas

The first day after Christmas, my true love and I had a fight.
And so I chopped the pear tree down and burned it just for spite.
Then, with a single cartridge, I shot that blasted partridge,
That my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas, I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks of both the turtle doves,
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The third day after Christmas, my mother caught the croup;
I had to use the three French hens to make some chicken soup.
The four calling birds were a big mistake,
For their language was obscene.
The five gold rings were a complete fake
And they turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas, the six laying geese wouldn't lay:
I gave the whole darn gaggle to the ASPCA.

On the seventh day what a mess I found:
All seven of the swimming swans had drowned,
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The eighth day after Christmas, before they could suspect,
I bundled up the...

Eight maids a-milking,
Nine pipers piping,
Ten ladies dancing,
'Leven lords a-leaping,
Twelve drummers drumming

(spoken by girls) Well, actually I kept one of the drummers
(spoken by boys) Well, actually I kept one of the maids a-milking

...And sent them back collect.
I wrote my true love, "We are through, love"
And I said in so many words,
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the birds!"
(echo of "four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree."

 

George Carlin's New Rules for 2007

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," Oooh, you're a huge a**hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you we re praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good e nough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

 

How smart is your foot?
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep
trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot.
But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your ight hand.
Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so.. And there is nothing you can do about it.

 

This was so funny! I had my whole family try this but there was one person who could do it. She is left handed though.

 

Darlene, That cracked me up I love George Carlin

 

This is something that my step-son would do When he was 18, he and his father were practicing quick draws...Derek was so fast that he shot before clearing leather! rolleyes Shot himself in the calf and still has the bullet near his ankle. The newspaper qouted a cop, who called him, Quick Draw McGraw, so he got himself a tattoo of Quick Draw shooting his leg

 

I have an HK USP. That gun (like just about any other HK in my experiance) will launch brass all over the range. I have found spent casings in my jacket pocket, when my jacket was hanging on a hook 10 yards behind me. I've had complaints from other shooters about how the brass rains all over them. I've been burned by the spent casings bouncing off of nearby walls and coming back and getting into my shirts and pockets.

Needless to say I don't shoot it much anymore.

 

Ernie was on his deathbed when the aroma of fresh-baked cookies wafted into his room.

Desperate for one last taste, he fell out of bed and crawled to the kitchen.

He was reaching up to the table to grab one of the cookies, just out of the oven, when his wife hit his fingers with a spatula and snapped

"No you don't. They're for after the funeral"

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From Joke of the week, The Sunday mail newspaper, Sunday Oct 22, 2006

Bazza

 

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

 

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. Being a law-abiding citizen, he did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The lady tailgater hit the roof--and the horn--screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied.
Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

 

Mankind, by "Ma" are you referring to Major Attitude :major ? LOL LOL

 

Detroit, MI-- A seven-year-old boy was at the center of an Oakland County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions, whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.
For all you football fans

 

An American Cowboy stopped at a restaurant in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"


The waiter replied, "Ah Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning, a true delicacy!"


The cowboy said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation. Bring me an order!"


The waiter replied, "I am so very sorry Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."


The next morning, the cowboy placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."


The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si Señor". "Sometimes the bull wins."

uke