Jokes

Good play on words ...pretty funny....gotta love retirement:celebrate

 

@ meandog, works for me!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBRHetKH4MQ

 

Sick but funny, bet you watch anime or inuyasha, huh?

 

Nah not my cup of tea,the guys talking are from a movie called clerks which someone has added animation to,I just came accross it while browsing youtube as it has been rated as one of the funniest clips on there,I little riskay I thought not sick,oh well

 

the last line where the guy changes his mind is funny indeed. The rest of it....uke. No offense Rikky but the vid... I know you wouldn't do these things for any kind of car LOL.

 

LOL Hmmm I'm batting 0-2 just report my post if it was too offensive a mod will remove it when they can

 

Old?
An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and
running errands for them.

"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.

"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin.

"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"

"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."

"Thass right," said the old man with pride.

"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19," the reporter remarked.

"Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night.
Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."

"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it
only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"

"Cause,"the spry old man said with a balled fist,
"I fights 'em."

 

Top 10 Signs A Redneck Has Been At Your Computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder (CD-ROM drive).

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

 

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

 

Not offensive, off beat, different, dark humor but funny ending

 

Hey Rikky just to let you know in my opinion nothing "Wrong" with the clip, and what teen to twenty year old hasn't played the same "What If" scenario. Also a good subliminal message there for ALL youth, stick with your original thoughts and do not be "Sucked" in by the "Your a Weenie" line.:clap

 

Down Under Humour Hope you get a chuckle Bazza



An Australian Ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small Village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. So he figure 's he'll have little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, Mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either..I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: "The sheep's a liar, don't believe a word he says!

 

Viagra Anyone!!!!

A man fell asleep on the beach. He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs and was taken to the closest hospital, which happened to be a U.S. Naval Hospital.

His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The lead on the medical staff at the naval hospital, that night, was a Chief Corpsman, in the emergency room. The Chief checked him out and then prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water, electrolytes, a mild sedative, and …………………..Viagra.

Rather astounded, the 3rd class corpsman, who was with the Chief inquired, "What
good will Viagra do him in that condition?"

The Chief replied, "It'll keep the sheet off his legs."

 

Crap, I was gonna show you my new car, 'limps away'

 

roflmao roflmao roflmao Rikky, now I have to clean-up the coffee I spilt, Great Come-Back Bro

 

Oh my, that is hysterical.

 

Mankind, you had a joke explosion.

 

Mother Knows Best


Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brians' mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful her sons' roommate, Stephanie, was. Brians' Mom had been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her even more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if they were more than simply roomates. Reading his Moms' thought, Brian volunteered, " I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Stephanie and I are only roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying " Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said "Well, I doubt it, but I will send her an email just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I am not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains, that one has been missing since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian.

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I am not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I am not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains, that if Stephanie is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom

 

I got a good laugh from that BC

 

Bwahahaha!

 

Had to be a blonde!

 

@ MK, I've seen those before, you think they would change them huh?

@ BC, cleaver MOM!

 

BIBLE SALESMAN
You've gotta love this one!
************************************************
A pastor concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.
While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.< BR> Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to disco urage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles.
He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Eager to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,"I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf o f the church, and here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?"
the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"
Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could"
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplis h this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do- do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Paul interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied , "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks
---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

 

One of the long diplomatic conversations, straight from the White House.

Condoleeza:Good morning Mr President
J. Bush:Oh, hi Condie, nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleeza:Mr President, I have the report on the new leader of China.
J. Bush: Great, Condie. Lay it on me.
Condoleeza: Mr President, Hu is the new leader of China.
J. Bush: Well that’s what I wanna know.
Condoleeza: That’s what I’m telling you Mr President.
J. Bush: Well, that’s what I’m asking you, Condie. Who is the new leader of China?
Condoleeza: Yes
J. Bush: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condoleeza: Hu
J. Bush: The guy in China.
Condoleeza: Hu.
J. Bush: The new leader of China.
Condoleeza: Hu
J. Bush: The Chinaman!
Condoleeza: Hu is leading China, Mr President.
J. Bush: Whaddya’ asking me for?
Condoleeza: I’m telling you Hu is leading China?
J. Bush: I’m asking you, Condie. Who is leading China?
Condoleeza: That’s the man’s name.
J. Bush: That’s who’s name?
Condoleeza: Yes.
J. Bush: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condoleeza: Yes, Sir.
J. Bush: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condoleeza: That’s correct Sir.
J. Bush: Then who is in China?
Condoleeza: Yes, Sir.
J. Bush: Yassir is in China?
Condoleeza: No, Sir.
J. Bush: Then who is?
Condoleeza: Yes Sir.
J. Bush: Yassir?
Condoleeza: No, Sir.
J. Bush: Look, I need to know the name of the new leader of China. So why don’t you get me the Secretary General of the United Nations on the phone.
Condoleeza: You want Kofi?
J. Bush: No
Condoleeza: You don’t want Kofi?
J. Bush: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the UN.
Condoleeza: Yes, Sir.
J. Bush: Not Yassir! The guy in the United Nations
Condoleeza: Kofi?
J. Bush: Milk! Will you please make that call?
Condoleeza: And call who?
J. Bush: Well, who is the guy at the UN?
Condoleeza: No, Hu is the guy in China.
J. Bush: Will you stay out of China?
Condoleeza: Yes, Sir.
J. Bush: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the UN.
Condoleeza: Kofi.
J. Bush: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

Condoleeza: Hello, Rice here.
J. Bush: Rice? Good idea. And get a couple of egg rolls too, Condie.
*Condoleeza slams the door as she leaves the White House*……………………...
………………………………………………………………………………………

 

@ Sailor, there ya go!!!!

 

That so sounds like GDub....also reminds me of an old Abbot and Costello bit ; 'Who's on first?'

 

this is dumb and dumber though, oh damn gonna have to change my signiture for sure, bad - bad

 

I'll just wait and see what BC has to say here
Go ahead take your shot

 

From one "Blonde" to Another


A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, She decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground.
Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,

"How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

Thinks BC well biting his tongueroflmao

 

Who Said Blondes are Dumb...............

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough..."


"You don't stop laughing because you grow old--
But-- You grow old because you stop laughing!"

 

Your Never Too Old

A little old lady, well into her nineties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing,replies:
"Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,
Tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aa bboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand
Rrunns by bbaatteries ?

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe
ssunoooffab**** offffff?"

 

@BC Gray. Matt is gonna be so mad LOL

another one about blondes.
The International Blonde Association sent a girl to take the IQ test in public and prove that blondes are not dumb.
The test begins:
-How much is it 1+1?
-Umm, 4?
-Wrong.
*blonde crowd roars "One more chance! One more chance"
-Ok, ok. Same question. How much is it 1+1?
-Err, it's 7!
-Wrong.
*blonde crowd roars "One more chance! One more chance"
-Last chance to tell me how much gives 1+1.
-2!
*blonde crowd roars "One more chance! One more chance"........

 

Dad’s Rules

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing the "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.


Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?


Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old Folks homes are better.


Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.


Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. The voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine

 

Loved those BC,reminds me of a saying 'Daddys little boy stops being Daddys little boy when he gets a job,Daddys little girl stops being Daddys little girl when Daddy dies'

 

2006 Idiot Awards

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the Poison Control Center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room -- right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2006

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote: "Put all your muny in this bag. "While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received In the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy........ But you still get a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch
that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

Confused because she didn't believe him.

The robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move! "When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2006

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, Here's your sign
(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township Administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS
______________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

He was a Chef?

Yep...From Kansas City !
______________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
___________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."

Not another word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
____________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"

His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi !


I apologize to any Idiots I may have missed

 

6 months old prolly all seen it before but anyways

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5blbv4WFriM

 

You know what is really funny about that photo Mankind, is the looks on the three men in the background as that woman with child walks by, man she is totally "Nude" in those guys minds

 

Did you OD on Viagra?

 

Fish Story

A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in West Virginia recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must understand these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" said the game warden.

"Ya.. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden.

The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr .Government man, I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"

The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the hillbilly.

The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"

The hillbilly said, "Call who back?"

"The FISH!" replied the warden.

"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.

 

In case it was missed I had changed my signature to
(Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people)
great huh? Well I became small minded in a very short time and had to go back.

 

:mad :mad :mad Sheesh if you can't see the looks on there faces I give-up:mad :mad.............Actually in point of fact it was my wife that first mentioned it

 

Perhaps they're admiring the baby rolleyes

 

NICE!

 

Ticket vs Tape

A police officer was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his privates.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.


"Get well quick..... from the nurse you ticketed last week."

Sheepman Logic

There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't having sex within' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."


The rancher and the half wit:

A man owned a small ranch in Texas. The Wage & Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher

 

lmao, lol.....rofl, tht's hilarious....there's so many pages that there's prbly not n e more jokes to post up :banghead

 

Hey were only at page 73 Crimson Wolf, the Jokster Geeks haven't even left the Kb range yet

 

and Stop Yellin' @ Me

 

I can't make it any bigger

 

This is creepy!
Think of a letter between
A and W.

Repeat it
Out loud as
You scroll down.


Keep going . . .
Don't stop .. ..






Think of an
Animal
That begins
With that letter.






Repeat it
Out loud
As you
Scroll down.





Think of

Either a man's/woman's
Name
That
Begins
With the
Last letter
In the
Animals name





Almost
There........






Now
Count out
T he letters
In that name
On the fingers
Of the hand
You are not
Using to
Scroll down.




Take the
Hand you
FIRST counted with
And hold it out
In front of you
At face level





Look at your
Palm
Very closely
And
Notice
The
Lines
In
Your
Hand




Do the lines
Take the
Form of the
First letter
In the
Persons name?!



Of course not.......



Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack
Yourself in the head, get a life,
And
Quit playing
Stupid
games!