Jokes

LOL Darlene....cute

 

You just can’t Win, for Losing

Daniel arrives home from work at 5pm and as soon as he steps through his front door, his wife Judith starts having a go at him. “Why don’t you ever wipe your feet before walking into the house? ….. I thought you said you were coming home at lunch time today …… Where’s the shopping I asked you to get on the way home? ….. You left the toilet seat up again this morning. …. Don’t you ever think of buying me flowers, like you used to do? …."
This incessant criticism, nagging and complaining goes on for nearly 2 hours - nothing Daniel says or does seems to be right by her. By 7pm, Daniel has had enough. But he knows better than to have a go at Judith so he tries a more tactical approach.
"Darling," he says, "Please - let’s start again. I’ll go back outside and shut the door. Then I’ll open the door and come in. We can then pretend I’ve just come home. What do you think?"
"OK," she replies.
So Daniel puts on his coat, goes outside, shuts the door, waits a minute, opens the door, and steps in with a smile on his face. He immediately announces, in a musical tone, "Oh darling, I’m home.”
"And just where have you been?" says Judith, "It's past seven o'clock!"

All in the Family

Bob checked into his hotel room and immediately noticed a dead cockroach on the floor. He called the front desk, asked for the manager and raised a fuss.

"Sir, please calm down," the manager replied. "It's dead. It can't bother you now."

"The dead roach doesn't bother me." Bob said

………………"It's his pallbearers and the funeral party."

Whistle well you Work

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Word Play

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke…………………………"I'm just a really bad conductor"

 

two guys walk into a bar... you figure the second guy would have ducked

what did the penis say to the condomn?? cover me im going in!!

 

I once told a boss that I was late for work because my mom didn't love me enough.

 

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.

However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

Well, here it is:

1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,"I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.

7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing., so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs,"I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Junk Mail.

9. You are at a party; this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ***.

That's the Governor of California.

 

Special Gift
Sven was out shopping in the mall when he met his
friend Ole outside the jewelers. Ole noticed that Sven had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.

"So vat have you just purchased Sven?" Ole asks.

"Vell, now that you've asked," replies Sven, "it's my Lena's birthday tomorrow and ven I asked her this morning vat she vanted for her birthday she said, 'Oh, I don't know, dear, yust give me something with a lot of diamonds in it.'"

"So vat did you get her?" Ole asks.

Sven replied, smiling, "I bought her a deck of cards."

 

Southern Charm
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day.

As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man afixin'(ready) to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't
jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb-*** Yankee."

 

Short (silly) Stuff

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger....
Then it hit me.



Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was....
resisting a rest.



Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.



The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was....
Sir Cumference.



The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a.....
little behind in his work.



To write with a broken pencil is.....
pointless.



When fish are in schools they sometimes take.....
debate.



The dwarf fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a.....
small medium at large.



A thief who stole a calendar got.....
twelve months.



A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became....
a hardened criminal.



Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with...
stalking.



We'll never run out of math teachers because they will....
always multiply.



What do you see when the smog lifts in Los Angeles.....
U C L A.



The math professor went crazy with the blackboard.
He did.....
a number on it.



The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was.....
on shaky ground.



The dead batteries were given out.....
free of charge.



If you take a laptop computer for a run you could......
jog your memory.



A dentist and a manicurist fought.....
tooth and nail.



What's the definition of a will?.....
It's a dead giveaway

 

Dieting
I have a Labrador retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I
had a dog?

(DUH!)

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that
the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

 

Must admit Meandog I am partial to post# 1458 love the word play jokes, up here in Canada some call them "Groaners", but I love them, must be the Welsh Blood coming through. Thanksroflmao roflmao

 

lmao, that condom one is pretty funny...i wonder why i nvr thought of it???confused

 

Cracked me up BCroflmao

 

Top Ten Thoughts to Ponder For 2007

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

 

Good one Musksnipe


For Golfers suffering the Winter Blues


Sacred Things

Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair but meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."

They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also.

Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change, I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."

The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground; kicked the ball into the woods; stormed off the tee; pushed the golf cart over on its side; broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you?! I trusted you with all my heart and soul

……………………........and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tee!!"

Some things are sacred.



Golf Moral

Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 83 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.


The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However: in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of themost important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:

To Heck with work……………… Play golf.

 

The 5%


One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels to go to earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion. "So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5 % who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?









No?





Okay, just checking with you. I didn't get one either! confused

 

Re: Jokes for BC

Southern Medical Terms

Benign........................ What you be, after you be eight.
Artery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria................ ..... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium........................ What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......... A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan...................... Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize..................... Made eye contact with her.
Colic............................ A sheep dog.
Coma........................... A punctuation mark.
D&C............................ Where Washington is.
Dilate........................... To live long.
Enema.......................... Not a friend.
Fester.......................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula........................... A small lie.
Genital.......................... Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series.................... World Series of military baseball.
Hang nail....................... What you hang your coat on.
Impotent........................ Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.................... Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff................. A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................... A higher offer.
Nitrates......................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node............................ I knew it.
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear.................... A fatherhood test.
Pelvis............................ Second cousin to Elvis.
Post-Operative.............. A letter carrier.
Recovery Room............ Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.......................... At least a two car crash.
Secretion....................... Hiding something.
Seizure........................... Roman emperor.
Tablet............................ A small table.
Terminal Illness.............. Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................... .One plus one more.
Urine............................. Opposite of you're out.
Varicose........................ Near by/close by

 

Navajo message for the moon
This should be funny to all those out there who even have the smallest bit of Native American in you!

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.

His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon.

When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

"Watch out for these :*** s. They have come to steal your land."

Hope I didn't push the envelope

 

Funny Anagrams

Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dot
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler

 

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

 

Two Girlfriends

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

 

A man goes to see his doctor feeling a bit unwell. The doctor checks him over and eventually finds a couple of bags of money in his butt. He pulls them out and can't resist totaling up the value of the coins.

"Well", says the doctor, "I've found $1999.99 in your butt."

"Hmmm", replies the patient, "That would explain why I've not been feeling too grand."

 

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott in June 1849.

Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott.

Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott.

Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not. Butt do I care?

 

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."







Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't serve your type here."







This joke was made a few weeks after David Blaine did the following:

Radical "street magician" David Blaine emerged last Thursday from a six-ton block of ice -- very cold, barely able to walk, but alive. His latest stunt drew huge crowds to the street corner where he stood, shirtless, for nearly three days.

Doctors monitored his vital signs with sensors attached to his body, and the entire chilling performance was broadcast live on the Internet.

Blaine first drew national attention last year when he was buried alive for a week. He says he wants to be shot in the chest for his next stunt -- stopping the bullet with only muscular tension. By the way, one British tabloid -- in usual British tabloid fashion - came up with this inventive headline for Blaine's latest feat: "He came, he thawed, he conquered."







Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Obi-Wan is deftly manipulating his chopsticks with the ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.

Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chop- sticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke."







According to our inside contacts the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.







A census taker walked up to a woman was sitting on a porch. After introducing himself, he said, "How many children do you have?"

The woman answered, "Four."

The census taker asked, "May I have their names, please?"

The woman replied, "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."

Confused, the census taker said, "May I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?"

"Surely, because we didn't want any Moe."







"As a kid I used to have a lemonade stand. The sign said, 'All You Can Drink For A Dime.' So some kid would come up, plunk down the dime, drink a glass, and then say, 'Refill it.'

"I'd say, 'That'll be another dime.'

"How come? Your sign says--"

"Well, you had a glass, didn't you? That's all you can drink for a dime."

 

When the ark came to rest on Mt. Ararat the occupants were more than ready to leave. Noah made one last sweep and found a despondent snake in the hold. "Why are you sad and why haven't you left?" asked Noah.

"Because I'm so inadequate," replied the snake.

"Inadequate?" queried Noah.

"Yes," continued the snake, "The Lord commanded that we go forth and MULTIPLY and I'm an ADDER



A distraught man went to a psychiatrist and explained, "Doctor, I believe I'm possessed by an evil spirit."

After talking to the patient at length, the psychiatrist said, "You do appear to have a problem. I'd like to see you again next Wednesday."

After a second session of psychotherapy, the psychiatrist pronounced his patient completely cured. For the next nine months, the psychiatrist sent the man a monthly statement for his professional services, but the man wouldn't pay and refused to acknowledge the debt. Finally, the psychiatrist took the man to court and had him repossessed.





Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in the garage.

Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse




An American astronaut has an emergency during his re-entry into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash-lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere.

After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.

"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.

"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterdiaay.


A monastery in the English countryside had fallen on hard times, and decided to establish a business to defray their expenses, such as a bakery or winery. Being English, however, they decided to open a fish-and-chips restaurant.
The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over. One city fellow, thinking himself clever, asked one of the brothers standing nearby, "I suppose you're the 'fish friar'?"
"No", answered the brother levelly, "I'm the 'chip monk'."



A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!"

The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.

"Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?"

"I did," admitted the youngster.

"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?"

"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."


A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

 

Senators William Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of Communist China.

The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the "Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill."



Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the pastor of a local church if he would be interested in their service.

He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits. When they finished the job they called the pastor outside to look at their work.

"The color looks a little dull," the pastor said. "You boys didn't cut the paint with water did you?"

They hung their heads and confessed they had.

The pastor was very firm with them and said, "You must repaint and thin no more."

 

AW, I'll never hear that song the same way again!

 

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?























2, but you have a heck of a time getting them in there to do it



~C

 

Three men are in a bar, all very drunk, and talking to each other, bragging about their families. The first guy says, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The second guy says, "That's nothin'. I have eleven sons. One more and I'll have a football team."

The third guy, the drunkest of them all replies "You guys haven't found true happiness. I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

 

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the odometer on your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "So...did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

 

Pigs

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.
He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”

Camel Sex

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
Afganistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have Molly The Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about
"urges", so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where
the girls are

 

Great Jokes Puppywunder58 but just a warning the Moderators/Owners of this site ask that the content posted be "PG14" rated or it will be either :ban 'D or :*** , and some might consider those Jokes close. So with that in mind, just self-edit your jokes to fit, and see yea in the Funnies

 

yep getting warmer

 

Love it Darlene "Picture worth a thousand words" comes to mind

10 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:


10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
The #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

 

Gas Control


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling
back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in

 

Wedded Bliss

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired trips to where? "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph.
Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"




Brother Ralph: "I'm going back to go get her.".........

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


This little girl is at a wedding with her mother.
She turns to her mother and asks "why is the bride wearing white?"
The mother replies "Because it's the happiest day of her life, and white signifies happiness"


Please, please do not tell my wife I posted thisroflmao roflmao Lets Blame it on Timmie, even though he does not come out of the "Help" section and play anymoreLOL

 

Gave up on the attachment couldn't get it right

 

Thanks everyone for the reminder.

Sometimes it's hard to be good.

Please forgive my indescretions.

 

Hey no problem Puppywunder58, they weren't over the line just getting close, as do some of mine, we just have to remember what the Mods/Owners would like to see. Thanks for understanding

Having said that here is one that a little close too, but I think is okay

Kids Say :- Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Everyday they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said, "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said, "'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches. I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said, "Oh, my God! It's too late for you!

You've already got……………………………….the neck and the gizzards!!

 

Okay I forgot the "Punch Line" for the "Little Girl Wedding One" so here its is again

More Wedded Bliss


This little girl is at a wedding with her mother.
She turns to her mother and asks "Why is the bride wearing white?"
The mother replies "Because it's the happiest day of her life, and white signifies happiness"



After a short pause, the child asks "Then why is the Groom wearing a black suit?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jack wakes up with a hangover after the big New Year's Eve party. He has to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins on his bedside table. Next to them is a single red rose. Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He notices that the room is in perfect order and spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, and then cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. It's then that he notices a note hanging on the mirror. The note says: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"
Jack stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is his hot breakfast, steaming coffee, and morning newspaper. His son is also at the table.

Jack says, "What happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M. You were drunk and out of control. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw up in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Jack says, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, and why do I have a rose, and breakfast on the table waiting for me?"
His son says, "Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken Coffee Table - $250.
Hot Breakfast - $11.
Two Aspirins - 38 cents

Saying the right thing, at the right time ... Priceless

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Tide Company,


I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband . What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

 

"When asked about the immigration issue in America, 54% of Americans say immigration is a serious issue. The other 46% say "no hablo ingles".

Not really funny but something is something

 

haha well i think its funny....its true though lol

 

Oh Herman Where are You

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked out seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

The Transformation Box


An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

 

Happy Woman

A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care , what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old a$$?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

 

A bear and a rabbit
are takin' a shit in the woods.

And the bear turns to the rabbit and says: "Excuse me,
you have problems with shit sticking to your fur ?"

And the rabbit says: "No."

So the bear wiped his a*s with the rabbit.

 

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...I'M
GETTING A FAX!!

*Dang! Here I am, a n00b and telling on myself already!*

 

Psssst Jannie typing in Caps is considered yelling in Forums, so you might want to hit that Caps Lock key againLOL .........But don't tell anyone, cause I've done it too

 

Oh, my!!! I didn't even notice that and I know better! I run my own message board! So sorry! Too many martoonis, I guess! Thank you for pointing that out to me!

 

roflmao roflmao roflmao I love Martoonis tooooooooooooo :wine Just a little tip with this forum in the "Advanced Mode" there is a "Preveiw Post' button, and you can also go back and "Edit" your posts if you find there is an error, think there is about a five minute limit on the "Edit" function to my chagrin, as I am a two toe typer

Oh and where are my manners Welcome to Major Geeks Jannie

 

Thank you so much for your reply, BC! I know about the previewing posts and whatnot, but all forums are different and I just had a momentary lapse there! I guess I could say I had a bout of brain flatulation!

I've been reading this forum for years, and just now decided to register. I've been really missing out!!!

Thank you for the welcome....even if you do type with your toes!