Jokes

What do Japanese men do when there is an erection?


They vote.

 

How can you tell the blonde woman is having a bad day?

She has a tampon stuck behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil.

 

You are in an office alone. How can you tell which desk belongs to the blonde woman?

There is white out all over her monitor.

 

Why did the blonde woman have a bruised navel?

Her husband was blonde, too.

 

A ventriloquist was touring through rural Kansas when he came across a little town where no one was familiar with his act.

He stopped off at a small local store, gathered what he wanted and told the cashier- I bet you these groceries that I can make that horse outside talk.

The cashier replies- Sure thing,

So they go outside and he asks the horse- What have you been doing today?

The horse replies- Just standing around. I went running earlier and got some good hay at the barn.

The cashier replies- The horse talks!

Then he goes to a chicken on the porch and says- What have you been doing?

The chicken seems to reply- Just walking around, eating bugs.

The cashier goes- The chicken talks!

Then the ventriloquist goes over to the dog on the porch and before he could utter a word, the cashier yells- THE DOG IS A LIAR!

 

Not really a joke per say but made me laugh and laugh and laugh.

http://www.bju.edu/prospective/expect/dress.html

Read the dress code carefully then browse the rest of the site, something like 3/4s of the photos have 'students' that are not complying with the stated dress code. Just makes me laugh. Hell, the guy pictured on that web page itself has side burns that are too long.

 

Dear Sir/madam,

This Is A Personal Email T0 You Only. I Am The Son Of Spam Spade, The Former Loan Officer Of Nigeria, Who Was Killed By A Russian Lady Who Wants To Meet You. His Mortgage Rates Were Superb, But His Penis Was Too Short, So He Ordered 60,000,000 Viagra Pills And Before He Could Take Them He Was Assasinated By 5 Million Email Addresses At No Cost To You. Now I Have These 60 Million Viagra Pills And Seek Your Help In Transfering Them To Your Account.

I Am Using This Medium T0 Reach You. However I Have No Other Choice And This Is Strictly Confidential, Your Co-operation Is Necessary. Your Resume Was Selected As Being Highly Qualified, But This Is Not Spam! This Is Freedom From Debt - Cut Your Mortgage In Half With Our Amazing Remote-control Pasta Pot. This Offer Is Free. You Have No Obligation To Delete It At Any Time.

Y0ur Pills Are Being Held In An Inexpensive Digital Cable Descrambler Box Guarded By Teeny Tits Carrying Explosive Loads. The Lowest Rates Are Locked In, Along With Your Free Gift. These Pills Must Be Transfered To Your Account Using A Hand-held Organizer Which May Be Obtained From A Free Government-auction Web Site. By Viewing Photos Of Singles In Your Area, Including Horny Wives, You Can Look Younger, Lose Weight, And Increase Your Stamina While Driving Pre-qualified Customers To Your Multilevel Program And Make Over $4000 Per Month Guaranteed. These Pills Will Not Only Make You Look 3" Longer, They Will Get Rid Of Your Fleas And Ticks For Good! Simply Copy Any Dvd To Your Free Internet Domain And Begin Your Anti-aging Program Today.

The Plan Is Simple. Y0u Will Use Norton Systemworks (a $300 Value For Only $38.95) To Purchase 37 Million Shares Of Toner Corp Stock. Then You Will Meet Me At The World's Smallest Digital Camera With $30,000 In Coral Calcium. Warning: Do Not Take Any Human Growth Hormone Or You Will Not Qualify For Your Free Gift. Once You Reconnect With Your High-school Friends, Your Free Credit Report Will Be Sent. With This Report, You Can Build Your Own Online Casino. Once Inside The Casino, You Will Subscribe To Kara's Free Fan Club, Where You Will Be Entered In A Drawing To Protect Your Immune System. Do Not Fail To Do This, Or I Will Reduce The Size Of Your Penis By Three Inches! Kara's Web Site Will Pop Up 6,000 Pages, All Of Which You Will Have To Close By Clicking Them. For Each One You Click, Two More Will Appear. After You Complete Your Online Degree (in 8 Months Or Less), I Will Send You A Hot Amateur Mp3 That Will Consolidate Your Debt Using Online Auctions. Not Even Cnn, Cbs, Abc, Nbc, Or Oprah Will Know Our Secret!

N0w Y0u Will Be Ready To Receive The Pills. You Will Use The Auction Site To Fire Your Boss And Claim Your Portable Dvd Player From The Secret Anti-wrinkle Agent. Next, Boost Your Cellular Reception And Drive Our Teeny Lolitas Wild With Human Pheromones Made From Pre-owned Inkjet Cartridges. You Will Trade The Pheromones For A Single George Foreman Grill Filled With A Free Thirty-day Supply, Which Will Enlarge Your Package Even Further. The Herbal Ingredients In This Package Will Increase Your Revenue Projections By 3" And Clean The Inner Walls Of Your Intestines. Remember, This Is Not A Sleep Remedy, This Amazing Product Targets The Bacteria That Actually Cause Snoring!

0ur Psychics Are Standing By To Take Your Order. Give Them Your Credit Card Number And Wait For The Beep. You Will Be Given The Ultimate Scientific Breakthrough And A Free Credit Check. Deposit This Check In A Pre-approved Account, And You Will Take Home 40% Of The Pills.

This Is A Very Simple Transaction. The Results Are Guaranteed. This Is A Completely Secure Investment. I Hope You Will Help Me And My Family As We Are In Desperate Need. Please Reply Asap.

Sincerely,

S0n Of Spam

P.s., If You Want To Be Removed From This Mailing List, Simply Go
To Getmethehelloffyourdamnemaillist.com

 

i wonder what A&F did wrong??

 

http://www.catholicleague.org/01press_releases/pr0101.htm

 

"All dresses, skirts, pants, and shirts must be loose-fitting, having a minimum of three inches of ease at bust and hips."

"Morning Dress–dress shirt (no denim/chambray) with tie"

Yep, does not look like the 3 inch rule is being applied in this photo.

http://www.bju.edu/campus/events/festival/

Females have on skin tight tops n male has his tie over his shoulder.

Think they should either take a good look at rules or their site. Amusing, I find errors on our co. site too.

 

Problems with upgrading "Boyfriend"

Question

Dear Tech Support:

Help!! Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.

Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this general purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!

Signed Jane


Answer

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time "favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities an really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped.

Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in the coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product! Sincerely,

Tech Support

 

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again, for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette replies, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

 

A blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her: 'Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the I90. Please be careful!'

'It's not just one car!' said the blonde. 'There's hundreds of them!'

 

This will drive you crazy...see how far you can get.
Click HERE for maze


http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/6489/a-maze-ing_new_cursor3.swf

 

Julie Andrews turns 69 -


To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie
Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music".

Here are the lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillac’s and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, "Confused" brains, and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.)

 

HOW TO BATHE THE CAT

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Yours Sincerely,
THE DOG

 

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.She did mad impetuous things and made memiserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so
ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

 

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

 

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend.

Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend.

His wife said, “You know, if you go on like this, you’re going to lose ALL your friends!”

 

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

“My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “Are you sure? Why would she do such a thing?”

The man then pleads, “I don’t know why, but I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”

The Rabbi thinks a bit, then says, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke with your wife. I called her and we talked on the phone for 3 hours.
You want my advice?”

“Yes, yes, of course.” said the man.

The Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

 

Heartening to see people still bright enough to plan ahead for their big day:

Lyndon, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop.

Lyndon suggests they go in and addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes".

Lyndon: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Lyndon: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Lyndon: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Lyndon: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Lyndon: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Lyndon: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Lyndon: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Lyndon: "Great - we'd like to use this store for our Bridal Registry
please!"

 

Okay Guys! Follow meew. We goin' af'er 'hiss dude weeth the aliasssss ov "BCGray".....Purring him back to meew....alive! He needsss to be taught some ressspect right neeooowwww!

 

Thats cute, the only jokes coming my way lately are not funny or boarding on pornographic

 

Yea my source too has just started repeating "Old" jokes. Guess we have a quest before us Darlene, new not to explicit joke source. Happy Hunting for ,LOL & roflmao , but no :crap

 

show Off

 

Government Genie

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook.

She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work....You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy... "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...

"I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:


If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

 

Boy, how true! roflmao

 

Or to the more cynical of us;

"The Government can't give anything to you, that it didn't first steal from me."

 

So Mountain Dew is really Coca-Cola confused

 

yeah, some of those are blatant urban myths

 

Hair, Here Today Gone…………………..Well Maybe

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair And now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"Yeah...right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *Hoo-Hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhaled deeply and braced myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pa in, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch the hair, but I am touching wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.

*Hoo-Hoo*?? sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do, and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way………….doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and Hoo-Hoo are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or Hoo-Hoo?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water. Then dry-shaving the sticky wax off, with a dull Razor !!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MYGOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the crap out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! It works!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts? I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.........................If you don’t hear from me, call the hospital.

 

Hair, Here Today Gone…………………..Well Maybe

That was just too funny.
Kinda makes you feel for her ( pun intended.)

 

Hate to admit this Meandog, but sometimes us Over Fifty Males have to use the stuff to get rid of hair that grows where it didn't before, if you know what I meanLOL .............When I first read it I howled with laughter it was so true, and she told it so well. My wife told me to post that one, because she enjoys Darlene's jokes and thought Darlene would get a chuckle from that one too. (Pun Noted Meandog you badLOL boy)

 

Loved it MK, and so did the good lady Thanks that was a gem

 

@ BC hair removal, too funny for words, got tears in my eyes, laughter muffled from breathing treatment mask, omg

 

Glad you enjoyed it Darlene, wife thought you would, she enjoys yours and MK's jokes so much, as well as the others. We both check the Joke Thread first thing in the morning for our morning chuckle Hope your treatment is going well, and remember that "Laughter is the best Medicine"

 

Thanks guys, go to see the surgeon Fri. take him more scan films, guess I'll have a date, be nice if on one of these visits they say, "time", don't have to wait and stress that way, lol doubt it, wishful thinking. Stay Well, anything else sucks!

 

1 more week

 

I hope everything goes well for you Darlene.

 

AW Thank You Very Much

 

I hope that everything works out for the better, Darlene. Good health and good thoughts for you, from 'the Jungle'.

 

Ditto here, Darlene. Hope it goes well.

 

Thank you very much

 

Phone Sex

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs You know the kind.

So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room & give me one - No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic .........

........... but for an outside line you need to press 9."

 

This is old but I still lol every time I read it.

Crazed Squirrel Assaults Man on Motorcycle

I never dreamed that slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a
Residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I
suspect. I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect
lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry
missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in
front of me.

It was a squirrel and must have been trying to run across the road when
it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was
no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close! I hate to run over
animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle; but a squirrel should
pose no danger to me.

I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear.
Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing
on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve
in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened; and at the last possible
second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel
for, "Bonzai!"
or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing
short of spectacular. He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and
impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did
not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies
along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he
was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt,
summer riding gloves, and jeans, this was a bit of a cause for concern.

This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a
quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.

And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally
managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent
off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I
recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should
have ended right there.

It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the
pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have
headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary
squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL
MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH! Somehow he caught my gloved finger
with one of his little hands; and, with the force of the throw, swung
around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed
squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely
distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were
continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the
least.
The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the
throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put
a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy
twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.

Torque.

This is what the Valkyrie is made for; and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared, and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel
screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in -
well, I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove,
and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet
residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his
back.

The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration, I was forced to put my other hand back on
the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the
mutant squirrel to his own devices; but I really did not want to crash
into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured
out how to release the throttle. My brain was just simply overloaded. I
did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the
massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time, the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient
attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI
attack squirrel of death); and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my
full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began
hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It
had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed
out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment); so her
front end started to drop.

Now, picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove,
roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy
squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By
now, the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally, I got the upper hand. I managed to grab his tail again, pulled
him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could.
This time it worked - sort of.

Spectacularly sort of ...so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off
on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do
some paperwork. Suddenly, a large man on a huge black and chrome
cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and
wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel,
and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a
live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams.

They weren't mine.

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front
wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop
in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I
would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really
would have.
Really. Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned
about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of
the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was
on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly
moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was
standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.

So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the
professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing. The other?

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and
upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel
in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous
squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car,
but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn
off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it
was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of
Band-Aids.

 

Repairs
A guy and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.

The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over 11 years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" the man asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," he said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the shoe shop.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" the customer called back. "That's terrific!
Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

 

Loved the Squirrel one MeanDog, and sorry to say I have run into the sucker, and he is even meaner than the story tells.

 

Sad but Too True

Becoming Illegal (from a Maryland resident to his Senator)

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
Senate Office Building
309 Hart
Washington DC 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill’s provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin to use the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as “in-state” tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver’s license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.


Your Loyal Constituent,
Pete McGlauglin

 

Political correctness run amuck . . .

Let me sneak into another country and see if I get the same consideration . . .

Absurd, from any honest point of view.

And it is sad, but appears quite true - like the breaks on tuition . . .

Thanks, BCGray - I had heard some gossip about such a bill in Maryland, but had no idea it passed. Yeppers . . . it's a big joke!

 

Whats ironic is Americans are migrating to Mexico to buy housing at a fraction of the cost here. The beauty if a country is influenced by your finances I suppose.