Jokes

Not heard about that. Interesting . . . elaborate please. I am intrigued.

I'm a bit touchy about this subject since I have worked my way up in the USA since age 15 (being a citizen), and have supported two citizens (my children) through college. Sorry if I'm a bit grumpy that someone gets government help (i.e. MY tax money) that I don't - and all because they climbed the fence into my yard, as it were . . .

I'm all for people bettering themselves . . . but there MUST be some kind of effort on their part to do so by following the laws voted for and agreed apon by the CITIZENS of the country they wish to join . . .

Lemme sneak into Germany, and see how I am received . . . or France, or any other Nation on the planet . . . I doubt I am gonna receive college credits for it.

Enough already.

I don't understand your statement "The beauty if a country is influenced by your finances I suppose." What do you mean? You seem to want to make a point, then negate it at the same time. Sorry if I have misunderstood you - I honestly don't understand what you mean. I respect your point of view, and just want to understand your position.

 

http://www.uglypersons.com/pics/img422f5d4cf0f6b.jpg

 

I certainly did not mean to upset you. I made a comment that due to the cost of housing in the US people are moving and buying housing in Mexico. People with money who could afford to buy a house in Mexico find it beautiful and the people friendly, while the Mexicans with nothing there (not so pretty). It upsets me too for different reasons. I hate to see people treated like vermin, especially children surly some sort of solution will come about (hopefully)

 

and all you would have to do is get a job meat packing or being someones bl**dy cleaner, send most of the pittance you earn back to family you may never see again, and of course spend your life in fear of losing everything.

 

Thought this place might need something lighter..........
A man who's been drinking with his friends at a bar all night gets up from his table and approaches the bartender. He asks the barkeep, "I've got a proposition for you. I bet you five hundred bucks that from right here I can pee into the empty beer bottle at the other end of the bar without spilling a drop." The bartender laughs and asks to see the money, thinking him a drunken idiot. After the man puts the money down he happily agrees, figuring that cleaning a little urine is worth the 500 dollars. The man tears off his pants, hops on the bar, and proceeds to relieve himself all over the bar. The bartender laughs hysterically, grabs the money and says "you didn't even get close to the bottle". The man calmly pulls up his pants and says, "no, but the guys over there now owe me a grand. They didn't believe that I could make you laugh by peeing on your bar!"

somehow funnier than arguing over what we can't control?

 

Couldn't agree with you more quirk, hey gang this is the Funnies, chuckles not political opinions are done here. So that been said here are a few more



Left Hook

A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his first wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade for his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he did not see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


Prayer Anyone

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service.

"And why is it different to be quiet in church?"

"One bright little girl replied.........."Because people are sleeping."

THE LAST CHILD SUPPORT CHECK

Today is my daughters 18th birthday.......
I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment.
Month after month, year after year, those payments!

I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your Mama's house; You tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, then I want you to come back here and tell me the expression she had on her face."

So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was so anxious to hear what the ex had to say and how she took it.

As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Well now .. what did she have to say?"

"She told me to tell you that you ain't my Daddy."

Catholic You Say

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away, Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"


GM vs MS

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash . . . Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9 Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

 

I wasn't upset by it, Darlene - I honestly had not heard that before. I also want there to be a solution - but the kind of stuff in some of the legislation coming out of Washington is not it. Didn't mean to come across as a grouch. I really gotta stop typing when I'm in poor temper, I guess . . . rolleyes

And laurieB, I actually worked as a meat packer at one time, so what are you bl**dy saying?

 

thank you

 

you can't help but get excited being bombarded with info all the time, news, emails, I personally believe most of it is manufactured to justify some of the decisions which has been put into action. There, whew, not one cuss word

 

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies


-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it''''s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on. ​

 

Loved what you posted under that title. That's Hollywood for you....

 

Kids said it Not Me

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know, explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."


2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"


3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with metonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: …………."The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a Bitch to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"


7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

"Two plus five, that son of a Bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a Bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a Bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Shit!................................. A talking chicken!'"


9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

And Finally:

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a Priest.

The Priest said, "Hello, son is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

Grandma's Priest fainted.

 

Sorry if this is a little too sexual. Just have it deleted by a mod. Bailey.

Edited out.

 

That's my plan.

 

Yeeppers Halo does have a sense of humour (and we tease him mercifully), but I must say this Joke thread has been pretty clean, and in fact I have in the past posted to the Mod's when I feel a "Newbie" has crossed the line................But threatening every one else's chuckle thread because the odd one post's an off colour Joke is not right either. I think a warning not to post that type of joke and deleting the offending joke is the right answer, but threatening the whole thread as MA, Halo, and matt.chugg have done I personally feel carries it just a little to far. However like the rest, I am just a visitor here on MA's site, and it is his right to run it the way he choses, just as it is our right to go to another site if we do not want live by his rules.

Bottom line this is there business, not a Democracy, try telling MS how to run their business.

Now back to the funniesLOL

 

91 pages jeezzus
and i thought it was funny back when i posted on page 3
keep up the good work!

 

Love your kids' quotes under that heading!roflmao Can't beat kids' simple logic. Thanks for that!

Cheers

LS

 

Try as you Might Some things never change


A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and he became an auto mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?" The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor then went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

 

Can’t fool Kids

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

 

Bubba’s Friends

Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day.

"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone and I know them."

Tired of his bragging, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?

"Yeah sure, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."

So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise yells, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Bush," his Boss quickly answers.

Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The new Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."

So, off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says,

"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?

Here come da DUCKS

So this duck waddles into a gas station, and asks the guy behind the counter if he has any grapes? The clerk looks at the duck and says, " No. This is a gas station. We don't sell grapes here." The duck waddles out.

The next day, the duck waddles back in and asks the clerk again if he has any grapes. The clerk sighs and says, " Like I told you yesterday, this is a gas station. We don't sell any grapes here." The duck waddles out.

Next day, the duck waddles back in again, and before it can ask for some grapes, the clerk screams at the duck, " NO!!! WE DON'T SELL ANY GRAPES IN HERE!!! THIS IS A GAS STATION!!! AND IF YOU COME BACK TOMORROW ASKING FOR GRAPES, I'M GOING TO NAIL YOUR DAMN BILL TO THE FLOOR!!!!!!!!" The duck waddles out.

The next day, the duck waddles back in and goes up to the counter and asks the clerk,
" Got any nails? " The clerk screams, " NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! " Then the duck says," Got any grapes? "

 

2 corkers BC

 

Thanks beezneez, glad you enjoyed them.

Okay I had to dig in my joke vault for this one, it is an "Oldy" but oddly enough approprate for today


Be Careful what you Shoot at (Think Bush should have read this first)

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the Angry, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his privates around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."

 

BCGray, just read your kid jokes.....roflmao

 

Glad they gave you a chuckle musksnipe.

Here is one that Mankind kindly sent me, hey loved it Bro and Thanks

How Single Men Use Post-It Notes

http://img442.imageshack.us/img442/9028/postitws4.jpg

 

The Real MORONS of 2006

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:" Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8……….. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!



Tax Time

H&R Block rep's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it a good Block tax story. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits. We believe the letter speaks for itself.


Dear IRS:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil & expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.

Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane.


Yours Truly,

Bob

 

Some one E-mailed me this picture.

http://i174.photobucket.com/albums/w107/EdGein_2007/35144867.jpg

 

Laura Bush bought George a parrot for his birthday. She told Dick
Cheney, The bird is so smart! George has already taught
him to mispronounce over 200 words!"
"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you realize that he
just says the words. He doesn't understand what they mean."


"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."

 

darlene that was just way too funny lol

 

Hey, we hired him rolleyes

 

Old Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her
faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.


One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some
bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the
bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to
leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I
wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the
leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must
be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and
thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits
down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and
just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
leopard!

Moral of this story....


Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and
skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five
fewer people laughing in the world.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more
youthfully challenged.

 

roflmao

 

Welsh Joke

Two tourists were driving through Wales.

As they were approaching [FONT=Arial, Helvetica]
[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch[/FONT]
they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the person who was serving:
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are.... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said,
...
...
...
"Burrrrrger Kiiing"
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]
[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Bazza [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica][/FONT]
For info on the longest place name in the World, check out:
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica][/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica].com
[/FONT]and
http://www.google.com/custom?hl=en&...ell&resnum=1&ct=result&cd=1&q=rootkit&spell=1

Baz

 

More Words
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."

Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.

The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."

The husband said "What?"

 

How to Change Your Oil

Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube 3000 miles after the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. Fifteen minutes later leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and pay 50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 13mm box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on hand in the process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips head screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up. Finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car, dump in hole in back yard.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 11, 15, & 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11 and buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Pan is empty. Find drain plug in back yard hole.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug as last drop of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on bumper in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1982).
32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands.
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 26.
40. Drive car a quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another oil change.

 

uh-oh this was in my computer

 

a man got stung by a wasp on a very private part (his p***s) and so went to the doctors.
the doctor said good heavens that is badly swollen.
the man said yes it is but can you just take the pain away and leave the swelling

 

I got one too!, how cute (don't let Chas see it tho, he will squash it!)

 

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer ?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he Gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer." "But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin . ... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

 

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those payments!


So I call my baby girl, Lakeesha, to come to my house and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this cheque over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last cheque she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo momma's face."

So, my baby girl take the cheque over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she say and 'bout the 'spression on her face.

Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what you momma say 'bout that?"

She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy", and watch the 'spression on yo face.

 

I am so glad my ex didn't say that to me!

 

Would be a bummer huh? confused

 

Reminds me of the back of a sewerage pumper truck that some wag had scrawled in the dust "Used Supervisors" after the workers came back to work after an 8 week strike in the '70's. Bazza

===

 

Ex England footballer Alan Ball died this week: the joke doing the rounds is:

David Beckham has been appointed by the FA to sort out Alan Ball's funeral.........
apparently he's a Dead Ball specialist!!

 

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. Here's an example why:

A trial in a small-town, the prosecutor called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence lawyer?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known him since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence lawyer was shocked at her statement.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

 

Not so Great Escape

 

Darn, what went wrong?

 

Love your pump tank MK



A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive star and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutley anyting, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00..on one condition. "Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You
have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said..."Clean my house."

 

Sadie and Jimmy were on the Glasgow Underground at the rush hour. At Queen Street station, one of the passengers who boarded the train had clearly been having more than one "refreshment" before he went home. As the train rattled along, he swayed to and fro, only just managing to keep standing. When the train arrived at Partick, the drunk tumbled out, sprawling on the platform. Jimmy rushed to him, hauled him to his feet and managed to get him back on board before the train left the platform. As the train moved off, the drunk mumbled to Jimmy: "Thanks verra much - but you didn't need to do that. That was my stop - I always fall out there...