So I needed to share, I'm so lucky.

I know I don't post alot anymore, I work insane hours at a job I hate, and I never get to be online much - So you guys are kind of out of the loop... But the wench is engaged. His name is Kevin Blackman, he is a macro/WoW/Sci-Fi geek, of course, and I love him very much. I have also been fighting a nasty, oft times losing, battle with depression for which I am woefully unable to take medication. It's hoped that a circumstance shift will knock me out of the rut, and I was recently moved to a different manager who I love, and will if we are lucky/can manage move into a house next year - making me feel less like my life is a wasted effort.

Todays episode, we find the wench in a self insuced state of woe, an the hero fiance comes to the rescue.

I felt miserable, and I needed to lie down - not sick, but in a fit of depression, convinced that I was worthless and boring and that noone should nor did I deserve them to love me because I have nothing to offer. This after a discussion of likes and dislikes and activities to do together, touched off by a discussion about infidelity and how it terrified me. It was determined I was terrified of something that was never going to happen but could not be convinced of, considering the state of the world, and that I've reached a state of depression/introversey which negated me liking anything at all and we had absolutely nothing we could do together as a result.

I had repressed all my loves after a traumatic ongoing comparison to an ex relationship which everything I loved(to do) reminded him of someone else; An intense desire to never hear her name/be compared to/have the experience of doing thus likened to said ex-girlfriend had left me depressed, traumatized and utterly passionless. Now that person means nothing to him but I still think about it. Now I have no idea what I even like to do, having developed a dislike of crowds of people, detest Club/bar scenes of any kind - drinking does not help, my liver dysfunction does not allow me to get intoxicated, merely leaves me in a physical state of exhaustion which requires me to sleep, not big on bowlng/pool and so unfit as to shy away from physical activities I used to love as the exposure makes me faint.

The only things I like are small groups of people I trust, which I never get to DO (I miss geek night), spending time with my gaggles of babies (Dork, I wanna see Cian), my pets, and WoW.

Hence, I'm a fat lazy introvert who is no fun and I had convinced myself of it despite ardent protests that I was loved and we could find SOMETHING to do within the small controlled structure of lose friends whom I DO want to spend time with... maybe movie parties? Picnics? Game nights? But I was so not listening, I am worthless after all, and I lied down and dozed off.

I was vaguely aware of noise and chaos around me. I came to only to be drawn back down - my internal mechanism for coping puts me to sleep so it can erase my latest trauma and I wake up like nothing was ever wrong, only I ache everywhere.

My entire house, one of my recurring sources of pain, was entirely clean. The dishes done, the counters wiped down, the floor swept the garbage taken out, the entire house picked up/organized, 3 loads of laundry retrieve from the mat and folded and put away, and the bathroom cleaned out.

I hurt too much to even smile, but I don't think there are words for how grateful I am right now. I don't know what I did to deserve such a thing, but I love this man. it makes me sad that I can't marry him until next year for a stupid thing like money. But everything is so so clean. My depression made me unable to pick it up, which makes it worse, which makes me more depressed... and on and on and he took initiative on his own to make it all go away to help me. I feel really bad, like he's the maid or something, but he wanted to do it. And now maybe it'll be easier for me to keep it this way because I wont feel so overwhelmed.

I just really needed to share how much this meant to me. I love this man so much. I needed to tell everyone bored enough to listen. Thanks for letting me vent.

I;ll try to post more often, and anyone out of town who wants to make the wedding if we can ever afford the damn thing (all I want is a pot-luck at a park too!) PM me with the addy, kids welcome if the Claytons want to come - of 77 expected guests so far 27 of them are under 20 years old. I intend to have a chocolate fountain for just that reason because who really has the power to stop me? Heheh.

I'm going back to bed now. Thanks again for letting me rant.

 

Okay, great news on the engagement and the up and coming wedding next year. Seems you've finally found a keeper, Renate - W00t! for you!.

I've known you long enough to know that you are one of life's good people, so don't let anyone, or anything try and tell you otherwise, 'kay? Just when tings seem directionless and hopeless, life has a way of turning things around for the better.

I've been through one of life's very long and difficult patches as well, and to be honest it aint over yet, but being positive and finding something worth getting up for everyday makes it all worthwhile. imo.

Well, don't stay out of the loop. Keep in touch. Myself and your fellow geeks are here for ya. You may still have my private contact details, or I'm on-line on a fairly regular basis, if you need to share/talk about anything.

Take care, Wenchie, and yak to you soon.

 

Hey Wenchie
depression is a really bad thing i am also a sufferer but fortunately i can use medication.

i have been very active all my life and 14 months ago i had an accident that damaged my neck and back i had three operations on my neck and am currently waiting for them to do my back ( i see the surgeon on the 3 may).

so never think you are alone, obviously you have been on MGs a lot longer than I but in the short time i have been here i have found it to be a very caring family who not only help with the computer problems they also are there as friends.

i have looked at a number of different forums since i have had all this time on my hands and have not ( in my opinion ) found anything nearly as good elsewhere. :wave

So don't forget you have friends all around the world who are always ready with a kind word.

best wishes from Belgium

 

Wenchie.......I never heard of you before as I don't post here much and you have never heard of me either, I trust. That doesn't stop me from saying..........You are SOMEBODY as God don't make no junk. Keep that in mind and you will be ok.......Good Luck and God Bless.

Jack

 

Thanks for sharing your life here. I am proud of you (and dont know you) for having the COURAGE to share this with MG's. If you can manage even 5 minutes a day to message here, even on Shoutbox, you will find that you will gain STRENGTH from the others here. I have found them to be a great help and this should help restore some confidence and make you smile again.
Take care

 

Well thank you new people, I appreciate the love.

Where are my "old" people? I miss the gang. I miss Gary.

 

Wenchie, I go through intense bouts of depression. I'm lucky enough to be raising my brothers kids, the last is now 17, and we are both very crazy about each other, which has been my salvation. He makes me get out of myself when I want to curl up and veg. I'm glad you've found someone to do the same for you. Love helps.

We don't know each other very well, but I will say I pretty much agree with everything you post on your profile. Between me and thee there are a lot of crazy people out there, and I'm not too sure about me.

So are you aiming for a fancy wedding or what? The references to the expenses make me wonder. Never having been married, I'm pretty much clueless.

 

No, we were actually looking for a simple wedding - a simple dress, a home-made cake, a pot-luck king of picnic at some really nice Park because I can't imagine couping 27 kids in a room and expecting anyone to have any fun... the whole thing would cost maybe... $500... Tops.

But about 2 months ago he took collision off his 04 monte carlo because he had paid it off completely, and guess what happened? Now we have a $400 all said car payment on top of all the other bills so we're barely breaking even as is, coming up with another $500 isn't really in the cards, and Unfortunately neither is getting the house I really wanted because I had to co-sign the loan and I doubt a bank would finance me for 2 loans at once. The new used car was 18ish.

I hate money, it makes me not like the world.

 

Go girl. :cool :major Bazza

 

I was lucky to have a job I loved that paid all the bills, but since the economy changed in 2000 I don't have either. Having been there once I know it is possible, just hang in there. When you get there, treasure it, because it may not last.

I hate our current economy, where they will send your job overseas to save big bucks, then give themselves huge bonuses because of all the money they saved. I can't help feeling it is a house of cards, after they squeeze every dime from the american worker, whose going to buy their crap?

But I still have hopes it'll get better. People need to start voting their interests, and stop following the ideologs.

Sorry, that just sort of slipped out. My original point is, there are good jobs out there, just don't stop looking. In terms of mental health it is worth more than gold.

 

a couple of suggestions that might help.

get yourself a pet if you haven't already got one. if you are in a place that says 'no pets' get a hamster. failing that get an easy to maintain plant.

now the place is all clean and tidy, redecorate. paint at least one room bright colors. vamp up the bedroom. new bedding is inexpensive and easy to make matching curtains etc. from.

go through your wardrobe and throw out anything you haven't worn for a year, or anything tatty or too small. keep ONLY the clothes that make you feel good, no matter how few that is. ditch all old and tatty makeup.

take a short walk every day. start with 5mins. thats two and a half mins out and then back. next week make it ten. then fifteen, until you are walking for half an hour.

take a long bath, with candles and soft music, at least once a week. give yourself a manicure and a pedicure and a facial. buy yourself a large fluffy towel only to be used by you.

write one nice thing a day on a piece of paper. put the pieces of paper in a special box. when you're feeling down get them out and read them. (boyfriend can join in on this and write your one thing for you on the days you cant think of anything nice to say about yourself or your world)


put all these things on a strict time. eg. i am going to have a 'pamper' bath on every tues at 7:00pm. i will write an affirmation every day after my morning coffee.


much aloha.

 

Congrats on the engagement Wenchie.... You been down a road full of bumps and potholes, but it looks like it is starting to even out for you.

Best wishes from here!!

~C


PS: You got a PM on the way too

 

Yeah, me too.

 

Hello Wenchie from another of the old people who miss Gary.

even star17 is not around much anymore.

 

Congratulations on the engagement, Wenchie.

I was fascinated by your post. Much of what you said reminded me of the way I was feeling several years ago - and still do at times. I have found that people who have not suffered from clinical depression really don't understand it, even though they honestly try and be supportive. Some of my family and friends would remind me of all I had to be thankful for, and that I just "shouldn't" feel the way I was feeling - it was like they felt I chose to be depressed. But they meant well - they equated a "blue mood" with true depression.

A person can intellectually know that their depression is unwarranted, but that does nothing to mitagate the emotional and physical aspects of it.

When I married my second wife, things turned around emotionally for me - it's amazing how much a caring spouse can ward off the darkness. I still get depressed from time to time (it runs in my family), but with her backing me up things just don't seem to get as bad as they used to. I hope you have found this too!

 

Congrats on your engagement, Wenchie! Lean on each other and put your trust in God. My prayers are with you and your fiance for a glorious life together.

 

Hey Wenchie, you know I brag about you to my 22 year old daughter. She is a graphic design major and I told her she should talk to you because you are good at that and have even designed MG wallpaper. She is struggling with the programs which are probably a piece of cake for you. I hope you get better. You are one of my favorite posters. I'm always telling people of your post about "the any key" it just cracks me up.

 

Wenchie, remember me?? I think I'm one of those old timers you mentioned in an earlier post

Just remember that there are those of us still here from time to time that still think about you and love you for whom you are. That will never change and I hope that you realize that I really mean that. You were one that helped me through a rough time in my life here on MG and I won't forget that either. Congratulations on your impending wedding and I know that you two will have wonderful times together.

BTW, just to let you know, I miss Gary too hon.

Jack aka Wraith

 

Phantom, I lost all that through my umpteen billion cleanouts, PM me?

 

Sure. It's 3:45 a.m. in the morning, here - so I'll zap you a P.M. when I get up, so I don't mess it up, lol! Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure you've moved apartments since then, as well.

Talk to you soon, Goddess of Geekdom.