Jokes

Like chicken.

 

Tax Time

H&R Block rep's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it a good Block tax story. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits. We believe the letter speaks for itself.


Dear IRS:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil & expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.

Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane.


Yours Truly,

Bob

 

If it Works don't change it

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says,
"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. tsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got sick on me...he had one too many! and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yea... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

 

Kids writing about the sea......


This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
--- Kelly, age 6


Oysters' balls are called pearls.
--- James, age 6


If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
--- Wayne , age 7


Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
--- Kylie, age 6


A dolphin breathes through an Butthole on the top of its head.
--- Billy, age 8


My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
--- Millie, age 6


When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
--- William, age 7


I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?
--- Helen, age 6


I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
--- Amy, age 6


Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug
themselves into chargers.
--- Christopher, age 7


When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.
--- Kevin, age 6


Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
--- Becky, age 8


On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ***.
--- Julie, age 7

 

And you thought “Old Age” was boring

Dear Friend

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a flirtatious old gal.

I am seeing five gentlemen every day.........

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.

Then I go to see John.

Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life!

Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

Love, Your Old Friend

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or in the garage, I ask myself..... "Now, What am I here after?

 

I know her!

 

Forest Gump goes to Heaven

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy.

That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.. "

Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.

"I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

 

There's a girl, whose grandfather had just died, and after the funeral, she's visiting her grandmother, hoping to help comfort her. However, there's one question that she never got answered, so she asked her grandmother, "Grandma, I know how you've got to be feeling, and I really don't want to be rude, but no one ever told me how grandpa died. Could you tell me?" Her grandmother smiled and replied, "It's alright dear. You have the right to know. Well, he actually had a heart attack, last Sunday, while we were having sex." The girl is visibly disgusted, and says, "I don't want to be rude again, but I'd think that he had it coming having sex at 95 years old." "It usually wasn't a problem," the grandmother replies. "We would take it really slow and easy, in time with the church bells. You know, in with the dings, and out with the dongs." The grandmother starts to tear up, and is about to start crying at any moment, but manages to say one last thing: "If it wasn't for that damn ice cream truck..."

 

Now that is funny!

 

Glad you enjoyed it Musksnipe, here's another that may give you a chuckle

What’s growing on your Beach

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the darn things are growing wild!!"

.

 

I could not resist plagarizing these, they were too good, I never heard them before.


Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

 

The surgeon, the Town Planner and the Public Servant were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. Says the surgeon:

"When Even was created out of Adam's rib, that involved surgery..."

"Hold it!" exclaimed the Town Planner, "Before your Adam and Eve story, orderd had to be created out of the chaos."

The Public Servant chips in: "And who do you think created the chaos in the first place?"

 

This is for all the geeks out there!!!

Two more to follow!

 

Enjoy!

 

Just for you B.C.

Sportsman's Double

I met an older woman at a club last night.

She was a pretty good looker at 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a cuddle & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:


"Mum you still awake?"

 

And Grandma wasn't a bad looker eitherLOL LOL but now I keep having dreams of the Grand Canyon.........whats with that

 

Hey BirdBath that reminded me of this one

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland ...

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"


"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"


The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....


"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

 

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and
going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold
them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus
reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the
toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the
WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:
* Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
* Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom
* If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
* And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need
them to empty your bedpan.

 

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's ever had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.

Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.

Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

 

Petaluma, I hope Animal Welfare don't get wind of the incident.LOL

 

So a dyslexic man walks into a bra...

 

WOMEN:- The answers to your Questions are HERE:


1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS? It's a testosterone thingy. Much similar to your PMS thingy, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.


2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.


3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.


4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.


5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.


6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays. Farting is another fun thing for men!!


7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.


8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E., LIE DOWN AND HUG)? Please ... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men ... Men hunters ... Need go roam ... Starve in cave ... Must go find wildebeest ... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.


9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.


10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.


11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME? Ho, Ho, Ho ... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your panties. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.


12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.


13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.


14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.


15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err ... buying?




What Would Be Different If Men Really Ruled the World

• Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

• Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

• Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again" cards.

• When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

• Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the *** and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

• Birth control would come in ale or lager.

• Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

• The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

• At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

• Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

• Tanks would be far easier to rent.

• Garbage would take itself out.

• Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

• Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

• Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

• On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

• St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

• Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

• The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

• The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

• It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

• Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

• When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

• People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

• Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

 

Removed cause it was already posted

 

B C
Loved them.

My ex always asked why do I stare at women. Told her I was not staring...was memorizing.. lol

By the way....HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

 

Shortly after Tony Blair dived in after him

 

Ahhhh “Mothers Day”, Cats & Kids

We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

Well we had 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves “Chapstick” LOVES it. He kept asking to use my “Chapstick” and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my “Chapstick” and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my “Chapstick” very carefully to Jack's . . .Rear end.
Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped."

Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your Chapstick on the cat's butt

 

Three Roses

(a note to Mod’s this may “Push” the envelope…..If you wish to delete this post that’s Okay……..Only Posted because I thought Our “Halo” would get a snicker)

A Little "Risk a" Poke at Royal’s

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her “Private Parts” lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked."That's from Prince Charles upstairs in the burn unit.

.......................He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

 

THE BARBER

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where does he go when he leaves here?"…………….




Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

 

Jamaican Fireman

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife, "Ya now sumptin' womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station...

Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.

Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.

Bell 3 rings - we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.

"From now on womon, When I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.

When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.

When I say, ' Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."

The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell One" and the wife stripped naked!

"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!

"Bell Three" and they started to make love!

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four"

"WOMON . What de hell is Bell Four'?" he asked.

She replied, "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DE FIRE!!"

 

Be Careful what you Advertise For:

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE - NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:
1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?" "Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away." "Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?" To which he replied "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 

LOL... that's good. And I've never heard it!

 

a man comes home early from work and finds his wife in bed with a man,

what the hell is going on shouts the irate husband

the wife turns to her lover and says see i told you he has no idea about sex

what do you call a les***n dinosaur? LICKALOTAPUSS

what do you call 2 les***ns in a canoe FUR TRADERS

what do you call a les***n with long fingers WELL HUNG

i think i should stop now before i get banned

 

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans,they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.
Suddenly,a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,begins to cough After a minute or so,it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman,lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick withhis tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again,the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says,"Ya know, I'd heerd of dat dere 'Hind LickManeuver', but
I ain't never seed nobody do it."

 

Ear Hair . .

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then told the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store, get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub a little in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets 'Nair' hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

.................The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

Some new viruses for the PC

Bill clinton gives you a 7 inch hard drive but NO memory
Al gore just makes your computor keep counting
Ron Reagan stores data but forgets where it is
Monica sucks all the data from your computor then E-mails
everyone about it
Myke tyson quits after 2 bytes

 

http://www.jibjab.com/view/125614

 

I havent read ALL these jokes so if I am repeating this. Please let me know and it can be removed.

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.

Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands but one boy, Johnny. He has decided to be different.

Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"

Johnny says, "I am a Kerry fan."

The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, " Well, my mum's a Kerry fan, and my dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"

The teacher is irritated by this, so she says, "What if your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

 

Good one Wayne82, and I don't believe it has been posted before, but hey who cares this is the Funnies

 

Ha!,Ha! I'll pay that one!

 

Keep off the grass

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

 

***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A
REDNECK MURDER***

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

 

The Queen of England was out sailing for the day when she noticed a swimmer in trouble being attacked by a shark she immediatly ordered the captain to change course to attempt a rescue,just before they arrived at the scene a speedboat arrived and attacked the shark with harpoons they killed the shark and pulled it and the swimmer out of the water, it turned out the swimmer was Christian Ronaldo and the two men in the speedboat were Beckam and Rooney,the queen stopped her ship and said to them that was a really brave thing you just did and after the world cup result i am surprised that you would save Ronaldo and in recognition of your bravery i will make you both Knights of the british empire, she then set sail and as she was on her way Rooney said to Becks who was that? becks replied that the Queen of England who knows everythig about England well said Rooney she knows F**k all about shark fishing, how the bait holding up?

 

WAYNE82, that's one of the best I've heard in a while. I'd love to hear more!
Anyway...

I WANNA DIE PEACEFULLY IN MY SLEEP, LIKE GRANDPA.:cry
NOT SCREAMING AND YELLING, LIKE THE PASSENGERS IN HIS CAR.

 

It was pinched from somewhere else, like 90% of these probably are! Ill look for some more but I doubt they will be on the same subject.

BillMCC66, wicked joke by the way

 

The chief of a poor American Indian tribe .. no paved roads, no electricity, no indoor plumbing .. scrimped and saved and
finally was able to send his eldest son to college.

The lad did well, working hard for four years and finally graduating with a bachelor's degree in electrical engineering.

Arriving home after graduation, the boy was treated to a welcoming party, complete with plenty of refreshments.

Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son was awakened by a call of nature. Exiting the hut, he proceeded down the road to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the lack of lights.

The next day, the son decided to put his education to work.
He sat down, did the calculations, and prepared construction drawings for a lighting system for the outhouse, complete with lights for the path leading thereto.

It was constructed and was an immediate success.

This chief's son will go down in history as the first indian to wire a head for a reservation.

 

Chili Cook-Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed
to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
takes
up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3
was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by
the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy;
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all
of
the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Stella, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Stella saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips
off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Stella. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow
cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

 

And Punishment For All
* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all
right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell in wet cement and broke his leg. He became a hardened
criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count
that votes.

* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

* With each marriage she got a new name and a dress.

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

* When a clock is really hungry it goes back four seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

* A calendar's days are numbered.

* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

* Acupuncture: a jab well done.

* And finally, there was the person who sent forty-two different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh....
No pun in ten did.

 

Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your *** tomorrow

 

Okay, Okay Meandog you win, you are definitely the Pun King..........I bow before your Punship.................Say Meandog do your friends groan too when you tell a good pun, it's gotten so the whole dang Family leaves the room when this "Old Fart" starts telling puns.

Loved them Bro

 

Yes...They have little humor.