Blast From the Past

I was looking through my old files, and I found this rather interesting word document.

It was a collaborative effort from most of the folks here at MG. I can see hints of Kodo, Bluesman (who else would mention humbuckers?), Phantom, and eclayton all over it.

It all started as a thread where the next person finished the previous person's thought. This story is the product of that. I read through it and had a good laugh. You should too.

 

LOL!!!!! I remember that.

 

I just clicked the attachment to read it. I had to download it, its on my hdd now but what is a .PHP file? I have nothing I can read this with!?

confused

 

should work fine its a word .doc not a php script. Opens with Word on my system. PHP is a server-side scripting language which you need a server to read

 

its downloaded as attatchment.php for some reason!?? confused

Not important, just wanted to check it out.

 

Here you go, sorry about the size [cut paste and resize].

Dial *squish* For Conspiracy
It Was a Cold & Stormy Night when he first decided to beat an elderly lady with a cane, followed by a visit to the chiropodist, and then finishing her half eaten liverwurst sandwich. He looked at the clock on the wall and said…
"Aww shit"
…because he had two sets of humbuckers to get out on Thursday, and was way behind. He just didn't care if his wife was being unfaithful, but did care that there seemed to be a large amount of cash missing from his sock under the mattress, he had planned to use that money for buying a new boat.
He sadly looked at the old lady, turned, helped her to the rocking chair and said…
"Wait...no, that's my chair. Here, sit on the ground."
The old lady responded by ripping out her dentures, and heaving them at him, but missed and hit him with her cane, fracturing his skull and removing several teeth.
"That'll teach you to steal my colostomy bag.”
Outside the storm was raging. There was a knock at the door. In walked a man with icy cold eyes. The evil was almost stifling, as he said,
"Do you mind if I stand by your fire? My eyes are frozen open and I'd love to blink! By the way, your car has rolled down the hill and hit Steve Perry...I think he's okay, but he started mumbling and told me something about...Hey, is that your grandfather clock? It looks ancient."
The shadowy image of the man stepped inside the doorway to reveal a face that told the story of a lifetime of Colostomy Bag usage.
Out of nowhere he looked at me and with cocked grin he said,
“I’m a lesbian."
Right away, I knew something wasn't right in this guy's head. So I asked him what his other personality is like. To which he replied:
"*burp*…whut? ”
He had decided the mans other personality was a drunken midget, so he decided to get the midget drunk, in order to plan for a night of drunken midget tossing. Beer in hand, he headed out to get in a fight with a random stranger, because he couldn't find more than 1 midget to toss. He scratched his head and walked slowly through the door into the rainy night. As he left he uttered something barely audible, I could have sworn that he said:
"Damn midgets."
…and continued down the dark, damp, and dreary path to his car, but alas, his car was gone! All that was left in its place was a small green garden gnome…a peculiar one at that, with a twisted grin. As the man looked closer, he saw that the gnome had a note in his hand. He walked over to the gnome and retrieved the letter. He opened the letter and it read:
"Where's the Cheeze at?!”
“Arrrrrrrgggghhhh!!! It's my long lost son I've been searching for all these years. I'll get that evil bastard.” Simon cried out.
With that said, Simon left for Switzerland to find a clue to this cheese guy that killed his son. Arriving at Zurich, Simon found a PI waiting for him at the airport. They both walked out and climbed into a Nash Metropolitan and drove into the countryside. Lucy was waiting for them when they arrived. She greeted them with open arms. She then produced a plate of cheese and Llfted up her skirt only to have 2 midgets run for the hills as their guise was uncovered.
Then suddenly Kodo appeared, dressed like the tooth fairy, and carrying a bazooka and AWP, only to find that the bazooka was filed with sniper rounds and the rifle was…
BOOOOM!!!
They both looked shocked as they were beaten to bloody pulps by Kodo and his fierce Kung-Fu that no one could match. Then Kodo lit a cigar as he walked away in almost slow motion. Simon, Lucy and the two midgets lie unconscious on the ground. Kodo slips away into the night.
Moments later, the midgets awake and wonder where their trousers have gone they look at each other and think
“Why do our butts feel wet and gooey? What did Kodo do to us?”
Suddenly, the spirit of Kodo appears and says:
"You must go to Dagobah...There you will find a jedi master. He will show you the ways of the force. When in times of trouble, I will appear and offer guidance."
So the midgets gathered there things, and set out on what would be a mystic quest--full of adventure, and peril.
The first leg of the trip, took them to Disney World, where they had their minds completely wiped of any memories of Kodo and of what happened that dreadful night.
Then, one by one, newer and happier memories were uploaded into their brains. The first midget shouts with excitement:
"Holy shit dude...We're supposed to be going to Dagobah!!"
Then off they went to the land filled with Sicilians. This place called Dagobah. Upon landing they were headed off by a bearded man riding a goat.
"HOO WEEE!!! FRESH MEAT JUST ARRIVED BOY!!!!!!"
The bearded man exclaimed as he spotted the curious midgets. Then, without warning, the first midget said:
"Man, can you knock it off with the fake cowboy crap and speak normally please?”
The DAGO responded in the most peculiar way, which somehow concluded in the two midgets being covered with salsa dip. The DAGO took out a bag of Doritos, and then proceeded to say:
"Imma sorry, but I hadda fly uppa my nose-uh, and can'ta talk-a normally. However, I canna helpa you inna your quest. First, you need to get some Doritos. Ay, lookey here I have some for you, here you go!"
He then, without a moments notice, vanished into thin air, much to the midgets surprise.
One midget said to the other:
"Hey, where did the DA - GO ??"
Looking around perplexed, they saw that suddenly a large canyon had opened up out of the ground, with an almighty rumble shaking everything around them. They struggled to their feet as the tremors subsided, and then stared in amazement.
"i guess were going to have to find a way out of this.”
In the meantime, Simon and Lucy found a quaint hostel at the foot of a snow covered Alp. They went to the room and settled down for a good night's sleep. Simon in his haste forgot to feed his twin orangutans, and they were in a foul mood. They rampaged down the hall, and into the room of some poor little old lady trying to readjust her colostomy bag.
WOOSH!!
It went, to everyone's surprise, out of the bag, rolled three large golden rings, of intricate design. Each inscribed with different designs, looking like ancient druidic runes. It turns out they were just undigested Cheerios so he gave them to a chemist to make them multicolored, and hence Frootloops were born.
Meanwhile, Simon was unable to sleep. He looked at Lucy sleeping next to him. He leaned over and slapped the orangutans off of her. Then proceeded to toss off the covers and exclaim,
"Enough is enough! I've had it up to here with these orangutans!"
Lucy, slightly startled, but used to Simon's rantings, said:
“Having another nightmare dear? Come back to bed & I'll give you another dose of seditives.”
So, Simon clambered back into bed still shivering as he took his meds. The next morning at 8am they woke up with a start, as out of the window they saw a huge garden gnome with a note in his hand which simply said:
"Give me coffee and nobody gets hurt."
They both looked at each other quizzically. What could this cryptic clue mean? They finally surmised that the only possible explanation could be a caffeine deprived gnome. Thinking quickly, Simon handed the gnome a banana, and said, "If you hold this we can make you some coffee". The orangutans, seeing the banana immediately bombarded the gnome in an attempt to take the banana. In an instant the words came out of Lucy’s mouth:
"Me too, me too!”
Simon couldn't help but wonder what on earth this quest was actually about!! So they both left the orangutans attacking the gnome, and got into a classic MG B and drove off into the mountains once more.
They came to a quaint little ski resort, where they met a rather bedraggled and tired looking geek.
"My name is muskybob, and welcome to my universe"
They wondered for a moment what he meant, and then he continued:
"You see, you have all been living in my universe for some time now"
"Have we?" they asked.
"Yes, in fact, I created the whole thing.”
They both stared at him in disbelief, and then surprise as down the mountain side came a herd of Camels wearing pointed toe shoes. The Camels were singing a song that went like this:
"Hey ho, no mo’ camel toe.
Hey ho, we know no foe.
Whatcha lookin at, ya foo’?
We has sum w00pin for j00!"
They collided with the group in a flurry of humps and nail polish, until finally, they realized:
!!! The gamma radiation leaking from the Death Star had metamorphosed into an extremely ugly alien with a bad case of acne !!!
A man dressed in a NASA uniform suddenly appeared and told them all to buzz off, so they did. The man in the NASA suit blasted off back to his home planet Mars.
Alone again, Simon and Lucy were again wondering what on earth that musky guy was going on about, but, being goldfish, and the subject of science experimentation, all they could think off doing was remembering the past 3 months and telling the time. So, logically, they journeyed on to Dagobah, where they met an ancient, short bald guy with pointed ears.
"You must be Yoda" they cried.
"That is an illogical assumption - I'm just a very old Vulcan named Spock, and I spend my free time swatting bugs and eating them. Now, you must eat salmon"
They wondered what all this meant, and left the old Vulcan and went on their merry way.
The sky was dull…a storm was brewing. They could hear the distant thunder rolling o’er the mountains around them. Rain started to gently fall on them, so they decided that they must scream and run for cover, as they realized it was H2SO4.
Now with the threat of an acidy death, they ran into a hole in the ground, but they didn’t realize that it was actually a huge rabbit hole. And then behind them came a white rabbit, muttering under his breath:
"I'm late, I'm late! Oh, I really am late…I was suppose to run down here BEFORE you!"
Then they both tripped and fell into a strange acid trip, and when they landed the first thing they saw was a goldfish, swimming round a bowl filled with empty RTW bottles and an espresso machine. Also there was a dazed, rather twisted individual, saying:
"I must will have remembering my tenses, oh I feel so geek-like, and nerdish. Oh dear me, I have better going now!!"
With that, he drank all the RTW out of the bowl as they both evaporated into thin air.
The grass was very, very green, and started washing up and down like waves, while the sea remained as steady as a rock.
They both thought that was odd.
"Umm, Simon... there appears to be an infinite number of orangutans outside who would like to show us their first draft for their new novel, called ‘How to Plagiarize the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy’ – with a free pullout section about Ms. Gallumbitits, from Eroticon 7.”
The school boys gathered round and started to explode internally. All of a sudden, they both woke up, and realized that they were actually perfectly fine and had never left the hotel room!
They then picked up their bags and checked out, and got into their MG b, and started off into the mountains again, in search of...umm, what was it they were in search of again…Oh yeah, it was the evil cheese guy that killed Simon's son. Simon couldn't bear to look at Lucy as he was driving down the road. The previous night's incident was too much for him. He meant the night to be filled with wild, passionate love making but instead found his mind boggled with gnomes, monkeys, & bananas. What does it all mean he asked? Suddenly around a curve there was a service station, which at first resembled a large garden gnome, bringing back terrible memories of Simon's dreams. So, he swerved dramatically into the forecourt. They went into the convenience store and said:
"We’ll have 2 B&H and a packet of disposable colostomy bags.”
Simon thought about the old woman in need and wondered to himself:
"Now, what am I gonna do with 20 of these? Maybe I'll just give them to the midgets in the back…”
"Snap out of it Simon."
It was Lucy coming back from the ladies room.
“I think I know where to find Dagobah. The image of Kodo came to me while I was having a premonition. He said ‘follow the path that leads through the twin peaks of Andronasha and into the Dark Forest. There you shall find the mythical Dagobah."
So, he concluded, they should drive on.
Lucy took out the map, and started to give him directions, to which he replied:
"Here, have an enema, I'll get us on the right road".
Time passed quickly and soon they were on the edge of a forest once again. Something was oddly familiar with this place. “When you wish upon a Star” came to his mind. He thought of a star then it came to him.
He slammed on the brakes to stop & think for a moment.
He got in the back seat with Lucy and sat down *squish* right on the enema. A feeling of calmness came over him. His thoughts were becoming clearer now.
“IT WAS THE HALF-EATEN LIVERWURST SANDWICH, IT WAS TAINTED. OF COURSE!!! I gotta have another ‘Squish.’”
It was raining now, raining in his brain--Softly at first, then stronger…stronger, clearing his memory. Thoughts coming faster, faster…*squish*
Ah hah, it was the cheese, the cheese represented Money. And the midgets-----they represented small third world countries.
"Must have another *squish*…Yes the colostomy bag-that represented the weapons of mass destruction.
"Ive almost got it!!” he cried to himself. “Almost…I need - Squish, Squish, Squish, Squish, Squish!”
Thoughts coming too fast now…
“Missing midget’s trousers meant invasion, & Kodo…KODO was George Bush? The orangutans pounding their chests represented victory over the midgets. Getting full now, getting weak, must have the answer. Squish, Squish! I got it!!! The note that said ‘Give me coffee & nobody gets hurt’ represented OIL…That song--that Camel song--that was the Iraq invasion. *squish*, *squish*…”
Simon was getting scared now. Scared the CIA might find out he had the answer. Then it came to him. He grabbed Lucy & the six remaining enemas. He wanted to tell her, but there was no time. Squish, Squish, Squish, Squish, Squish, Squish!
“Oh Simon…” she said.
“Simon says be quiet!!! Just take a deep breath and push when I tell you.” Simon commanded
That was it!! That was what the man in the NASA suit was trying to tell him.
"NOW!!"
They grunted simultaneously & shot up, up, UP, toward that beautiful red planet twinkling above. Above--to the plains of Dagobah.
The End……or is it?

 

lol! Thats one messed up story! Funny though!

Was that one of those stories where you write a line then someone else writes the next?