Fifth Day Nocturnal Quips.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Ø If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Ø Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

Ø Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE

Ø Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Ø OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

Ø If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. Does that mean that one enjoys it?

Ø Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Ø If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Ø If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Ø Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Ø Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Ø When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Ø Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Ø Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Ø Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Ø Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Ø "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Ø If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Ø If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge. Would they call it Fed UP?

Ø Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

Ø I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older... then it dawned on me. They're cramming for their final exam.

Ø I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, toothpicks?

Ø Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the letter carrier can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Ø If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Ø No one ever says,"It's only a game" when their team is winning.

Ø Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Ø Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Ø If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Ø Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Philosophy of Life Per George Carlin

Ø Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Ø I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Ø If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Ø If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

Ø Is there another word for synonym?

Ø Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Ø Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?

Ø What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Ø If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Ø Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Ø Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Ø Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Ø If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Ø Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Ø How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Ø Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Ø What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Ø One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Ø The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Ø Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Ø Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Ø Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Ø If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Ø If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Ø If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

Ø If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

Ø If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

Ø If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Ø Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Ø Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?




A man is walking down the street and he sees another man walking in front of him. On closer inspection he notices the man has a banana coming out of one ear, along with a cherry and some whipped cream while in the other ear there's a coconut and a big pineapple. So he stops the man and says "Excuse me but did you know you have bananas, coconuts and stuff coming out of your ears?"

The man replies "Sorry, you'll have to speak up - I'm a trifle deaf"





A man goes into a pet store and tells the owner he wants a dog. The owner gets out a fluffy poodle but the man says "No, I want a really BIG dog. One that will guard the house".

So, the owner gets out this huge dog and says "This dog should do - he's been trained in karate!

Amazed, the man says "That's incredible, let me see"

So, the owner pulls out a piece of wood and says "Karate the wood". In seconds the dog tears the wood apart.

So he buys the dog and takes it home to show to his wife. As he walks in with the dog he says "Darling, I've got a wonderful guard dog, he's been trained in karate!

"Karate", his wife says, "Karate, my Ass!".

 

Of course! And microbiologists can be demoted, ecdysiasts can be denuded, pilots can be deplaned, loggers can be deforested, tour guides can obviously be detoured, and (I'm loath to add it THIS week) habadashers can be decapitated.

 

Bwhahah.... good one harry

 

Good ones as usual Harry

Why do skydivers wear helmets? Think about it...

 

I have a friend that is an electrician, he would like to check your shorts

 

I put a dollar in the change machine. Everything stayed the same.
Who wears the pants in a Scottish family.

 

Because it is a modest pencil that has nothing to prove