Friday Funnies . What are yours ?

Pierced

The students in a third-grade class were bombarding their teacher with questions about her newly pierced ears.

"Does the hole go all the way through?" "Yes."

"Did it hurt?" "Just a little."

"Did they stick a needle through your ears?" "No, they used a special gun."

Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did they stand?"


English Lesson

Since we're now living in the time of e-mail and the more common use of the written language, it is time for an English Lesson.

So here are some rules to keep in mind when using the written word.

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat).

6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)unnecessary.

9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.

11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should never generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Remember, if you don't follow these simple rules,
you could wake up one morning and find yourself nearing the end of your first year as President of the United States without a clue as to how you got there or what to do now that you're there.


The Birch and The Beech


Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A smal tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.



Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

 

lol. I love fridays.

 

20 Years With My Wife
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know I would have gotten out today."


MAILMANS LAST DAY ON THE JOB...

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he
arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole
family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big
gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a beautiful blonde woman
in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him into
the house and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his
mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice. Then she poured him a cup of steaming
coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from
under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked
him what to do."
He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar! "

The blonde then said brightly, "The breakfast was my idea!"

 

awsome rotf.

 

FLASH RELEASE!

A scientist at Montana State has just invented a bra that keeps women's
breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the
fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken
outside by a large group of cowboys who then proceeded to kicked the hell
out of him.



A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a
woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a
woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men
with rugged and masculine features.

And if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a
bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

 

Two Alligators


​

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp.


The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so
much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I
just don't get it."


"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"



"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.



"Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"



"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."



"Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"



"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the
door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the sh** out of 'em, and eat'em!"



"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See,
by the time you get done shakin' the sh** out of a lawyer, there's
nothing' left but lips and a briefcase..."

 

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file.

The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears
shortly thereafter.

A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's
tongue, applied just below his tail.

The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start anything by
bringing it up.

Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.

He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, "Did you just lick me
twice in the butt?"

The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was
trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

 

>An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone
>
>to report that her car has been broken into.
>
>She is hysterical as she explains her situation
>
>to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo,
>
>the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even
>
>the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher
>
>said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
>
>A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
>
>"Disregard." He says. "She got into the
>
>back-seat by mistake."
>
>
>
>FAMILY
>
>
>
>Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house
>
>together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath.
>
>She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
>
>other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
>
>The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll
>
>come up and see." She starts up the stairs and
>
>pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The
>
>92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having
>
>tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head
>
>and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful,
>
>knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and
>
>help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
>
>
>
>I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
>
>
>
>Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing
>
>golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other,
>
>"Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's
>
>Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I.
>
>Let's have a beer."
>
>
>
>A little old lady was running up and down the halls
>
>in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip
>
>up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
>
>She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
>
>Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
>
>He sat silently for a moment or two and finally
>
>answered, "I'll take the soup."
>
>
>
>ROMANCE
>
>
>
>An older couple were lying in bed one night. The
>
>husband was falling asleep but the wife was
>
>in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said:
>
>"You used to hold my hand when we were
>
>courting." Wearily he reached across, held her
>
>hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
>
>A few moments later she said: "Then you used
>
>to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across,
>
>gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down
>
>to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then
>
>you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw
>
>back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
>
>"Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my
>
>teeth!"
>
>
>
>DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
>
>
>
>80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room
>
>at the retirement home. She holds her clenched
>
>fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
>
>guess what's in my hand can have sex with me
>
>tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear
>
>shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a
>
>minute and says, "Close enough."
>
>
>
>OLD FRIENDS
>
>
>
>Two elderly ladies had been friends for many
>
>decades. Over the years, they had shared all
>
>kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
>
>activities had been limited to meeting a few
>
>times a week to play cards. One day, they were
>
>playing cards when one looked at the other and
>
>said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've
>
>been friends for a long time .but I just can't
>
>think of your name! I've thought and thought,
>
>but I can't remember it. Please tell me what
>
>your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at
>
>least three minutes she just stared and glared
>
>at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need
>
>to know?"
>
>
>
>SENIOR DRIVING
>
>
>
>As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,
>
>his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's
>
>voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard
>
>on the news that there's a car going the wrong
>
>way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
>
>"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car.
>
>It's hundreds of them!"
>
>
>
>DRIVING
>
>
>
>Two elderly women were out driving in a large car
>
>- both could barely see over the dashboard.
>
>As they were cruising along, they came to an
>
>intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just
>
>went on through. The woman in the passenger
>
>seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
>
>could have sworn we just went through a red light."
>
>After a few more minutes, they came to another
>
>intersection and the light was red again. Again,
>
>they went right through. The woman in the
>
>passenger seat was almost sure that the light
>
>had been red but was really concerned that she
>
>was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the
>
>next intersection, sure enough, the light was
>
>red and they went on through So, she turned
>
>to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
>
>know that we just ran through three red lights
>
>in a row? You could have killed us both!"
>
>Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I
>
>driving?"

 

muskybob
are you trying to tell us that all the excitement in our lives will come to us when we get older ???
rotflmao