Friday Funnies

Don't Touch

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning,having just awaken from a good nights sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me".

"Why not," he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the
world makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, because I woke
up this morning and nothing hurts."



Headlines (Future)

Headlines: Year 2055

1. Florida is finally readmitted to the union.

2. Spotted Owl plague now threatens Western crops & livestock.

3. George Z. Bush says he will run for President.

4. 50 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

5. Nursing home event--Clinton denies Candy Striper allegations.

6. Texas executes last remaining citizen.

7. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

8. Baby conceived naturally..... Scientists stumped.

10. Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

11. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.

12. Unionized Chinese workers now making 4,000,000,000 yen an hour. American owned businesses now returning to cheap labor in USA.

13. White minority demands civil rights and reparations.

14. New California law requires that all machetes, steak knives and baseball bats be registered before January 2056.



Divorce

Signs Your Divorce Isn't Going Well

~ Since his recent divorce, your lawyer has been usinghis car for an office.

~ Your spouse's lawyer has suddenly taken to lightinghis cigarettes with twenties.

~ The judge is seriously considering your spouse's
request for custody of your immortal soul.

~ Your spouse's attorney is seeking the death penalty.

~ Your husband has been granted temporary custody of one of your implants.

~ Your mother's name appears on your wife's witness list.

~ Your portion of the settlement so far: The Commodore 64, the Chia pets and the Wham! CD collection.

~ Jerry Springer cancelled your appearance, citing
"Safety Concerns."

~ You discover that Judge Jacques' last name is
actually NOT pronounced "Jack-ass."

~ In her search for hidden assets, your wife hires a proctologist.

~ Your half of the dog arrives postage due.

~ Johnnie Cochran's closing argument: "If dad goes
gay, he's got to pay!"



Not going out

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh? "She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

....LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"



Texas Midget

A midget in Texas went to the doctor because his testicles ached almost all of the time. The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants. The doc put one finger under the midget's left testicle and told him to turn his head and cough - the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Hmmm..." mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again, "Hmmm, I see the problem," said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left
side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to hop down off the table and pull his pants up. Then to walk around and see if his testicles still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The midget said, "That's perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it! What did you do?"
The Doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots." v



Onestone

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because
he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to
call him Onestone!

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,

"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young girl named blue bird said
good morning Onestone.." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest
where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant serious business.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day,

made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!!!!

What is the moral of this story???
You can't kill two birds with one stone!