Friday Night (23.45) Jokes.

Naked Refrigerator Guy

Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.
He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied, ''Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I came home from work one day to surprise her and catch her in the act. When I searched the house I found her in the bathroom. The mirror was fogged and she had a towel on but her hair wasn't wet, so I knew she wasn't taking a shower. I looked all around the house to find the guy. I found ten fingers hanging onto the window sill outside. I pounded them until he finally let go. When he fell he landed in some bushes and God must have loved him because he lived, so I threw the refrigerator out the window to finish him off. After all the excitement I fell dead of a heart attack.''

Then the gatekeeper asked the second man how he died. He replied, ''Imagine this -- I'm minding my own business on top of my apartment building. I was riding one of those stationary bicycles when the screws gave out and I flew off the side. I reached out and caught a window sill, then some idiot started pounding on my fingertips. When I fell I landed in some bushes and God must have loved me because I lived. But then that same idiot threw his refrigerator out the window and it crushed me.''

''That, too, is horrible,'' said the gate keeper. Then he asked the third man the same question.

His reply was, ''OK, imagine this, I'm naked in a refrigerator...''





There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"







The Aging Explorer

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

 

I like this one

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted.

 

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."
The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"

The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua??"

 

Hey ,G.T. and Lostkiwi, Just great, There ARE people who are as daft as I am!!!!!

 

One more:
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car, has changed the world for the better. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang with Adam, the first man." So, St. Peter points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, he asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?"
Adam says "Yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion.
2. it chatters at high speeds.
3. the rear end wobbles too much.
4. and the intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
"Hmmm...", says Adam, "hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Mr. Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

 

Two ropes walking down the street one turns to the other and says I am going in here and get a drink. The other rope says "they don't serve ropes in there" he responds ohh watch this. He folds himself into a knot then frayes out one end then walks into the bar. Bartender says "hmm you aren't one of them ropes are you"? Rope says "no I'm a frayed knot"

 

Of course. You bring out the worst in us. .

Speaking of which, I considered not posting this one, but it's just too funny.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Polish couple's sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a sex manual.
"Honey, I want to perform oral sex with you like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"

She agreed. And hour later, she returned, all excited.

"You should see the flavors they have!" she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana. So many they had!"

"What did you get?" he interrupted.

"Tuna."

 

Can`t let you get away unscathed, GT.



A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?"
she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox?"

 

Yep. I've been scathed.

 

Ok Here's mine:
(don't read if easily offended.)














A newlywed couple show up at a mountain retreat with a beautiful lake nearby. As soon as they check into their room, the new husband comes out dressed in fishing gear and goes fishing all day. The staff think this is kind of unusual, but mind their own business.
The next morning the guy is out fishing at 5:00am, all day until late that night, and repeats the same pattern for 3 more days. The staff of the resort, overcome with curiosity finally sends a staff member to ask him about his behavior.
"Hey man, here you are newly married, and all you do is fish all day? Why are'nt you in their making love to your bride ?"
Oh I can't" he replies. "She has gonorhea"
The staff member thinks. " What about oral sex ?"
"Can't - she has pyorrhea"
The staff member thinks some more. "What about anal sex ?"
"Can't - she has diarrhea"
So the staff member says " So why in the heck did you come up here ???"

"Well," says the groom " she has worms, and I love to fish"

 

Never ever leave your laptop in a Blonde's bathroom.

 

A guy finds out his wife is seeing another man, he gets so mad and tired of the affair he decides to hire a hitman. He finally meets a man named Artie at a local bar that says he will do the job, Artie finds the whole situation so terrible and disgusting he agrees to do the job for one dollar.

Artie follows the woman a couple of days and decides the grocery store is the best place to grab and kill her, his specialty is using a small rope to strangle his victims. He follows the woman into the store, comes up behind her and chokes her to death, but, the boy putting up stock sees it and tries to run, Artie catches him and kills him also. Artie runs and tries to get away but the police catch him and he confesses to everything. The headlines in the local paper the next day read "Artie Chokes Two for a Dollar at Krogers"

 

Ha! ! !

thats just wrong
funny
but wrong

 

a man and woman just got maried and they are on their honeymoon.
she is worried about having sex for the first time with him.
so she asks him about how he is built.
shyfully he replys" i am built like a baby".
he starts undressing.
see these arms
no hair
just like a baby
he takes off his pants
look at these legs.
no hair either
just like a baby
he takes off his boxers and she sees the biggest
***** she has EVER seen.
she is amazed.
but i thought you were built like a baby she says.
he says
i am
21" and 8 1/2 pounds.
she faints.

 

just too funny for words. thanx, aloha

 

Never ever hire blondes as paramedics...

 

I was talking with my pal, Superman, the other day...
Me: "Hi, Supe! How's it going?"
Superman: "Strange. I was flying around yesterday and I spotted Wonder Woman with my super vision. She was lying naked spread-eagled in her back yard."
Me: "Wow! What did you do?"
Superman: "Well, I got... er... 'super aroused' and just flew right down to my 'target'."
Me: "Boy, I'll bet Wonder Woman was surprised!"
Superman: "Yeah. But not half as surprised as the Invisible Man!"