no pun in ten did.

1.Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and
>got married. The ceremony
>wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
>
>2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The
>bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start
>anything."
>
>
>3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a
>salted.
>
>
>4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
>
>
>5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt
>under his arm and says:
>"A beer please, and one for the road."
>
>
>6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to
>the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
>
>
>7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green
>Grass of Home.'" That sounds like Tom Jones
>Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
>Unusual."
>
>
>8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a
>field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially
>inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
>you,"says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims
>Daisy.
>
>
>9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
>The kids were nothing to look at either.
>
>
>10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this
>bull before.
>
>
>11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the
>other day but I couldn't find any.
>
>
>12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious
>accident. He shouted,
>"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The
>doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off
>your arms!"
>
>
>13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and
>pulled a mussel.
>
>
>14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
>
>
>15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one
>turns to the other and says "Dam!".
>
>
>16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
>so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it
>sank, proving once again that you can't have your
>kayak and heat it too.
>
>
>17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a
>hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their
recent
>tournament victories. After about an
>hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
>them to disperse.
>"But why,"they asked, as they moved off.
>"Because", he said, "I can't
>stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
>
>
>18. A woman has twins and gives them up for
>adoption. One of them goes
>to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The
>other goes to a family in Spain; they name him
>"Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
>himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
>picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
>also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
>responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
>you've seen Ahmal."
>
>
>19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot
>most of the time, which
>produced an impressive set of calluses on his
>feet. He also ate very little, which made him
>rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
>from bad breath. This made him .(Oh, man, this is
>so bad, it's good).... A super calloused fragile
>mystic hexed by halitosis.
>
>
>20. And finally, there was the person who sent
>twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope
>that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
>
>No pun in ten did.



much aloha

 

Hehe...thanks for the much-needed laughs Laurie. You know, some people shouldn't be allowed to come to work on a Monday morning until they have metamorphosed into human-status

Here's my contribution....

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye-deer

 

Good stuff LaurieB, needed a good laugh after today!

 

Very good

Im gonna be a comedian at work tomorrow.

 

Laurie you're going to be put in the bad chair unless you save your jokes for friday

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye-deer

 

Hehe...what do you call a deer with no ears?

Doesn't matter what you call him...he isn't going to hear ya!

 

LOL. Thanks. Mondays need a good jump-start.

 

thanks for the laugh.
this one's not any good, but at least it takes awhile to read
a rope walks into a bar and orders a beer.
the bartender says i don't serve ropes now get out.
the rope walks outside and ponders what to do.
he messes his hair up, and puts himself into a super yoga position.
when he walks back, in the bartender gives him a strange look.
I thought I told you I don't serve ropes, now get out.
the rope replies he's not a rope.
the bartender shoots him a suspicious look and says
you're not a rope?
the rope responds.
no, i'm a frayed not.
ok. so it's better with props. sorry

 

A donkey, a rabbi and a Russian walk into a bar and the bartender says "Is this some kind of joke?"

 

Three men walked into a bar . . . . the fourth man ducked.

 

Richard Adams, author of "Watership Down", wrote a fantasy novel called "Shardik" For those of you who missed it, it's about a primitive empire that forms around an enormous, semi-mythical bear. Well, it, happens I know something about that empire that Adams forgot to mention, and now's as good as time as any to pass it along.

You see, the only way to become a knight in Shardik's empire was to apply for a personal interview with the bear. This had its drawbacks. If he liked your audition, you were knighted on the spot. But if you failed, Lord Shardik was quite likely to club your head off your shoulders with one mighty paw.

Even so, there were many applicants, for the peasantry were poor farmers, and if a candidate failed for knighthood his family would receive, by way of a booby-prize, a valuable sheep dog from the Royal Kennels.

This consoled them greatly, for truly it is written, "For the mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that hit you."

(Doc Webster in "Callahan's Crosstime Saloon")

One of my all-time favorite puns.

 

The Federal Government is now planning to provide extremely low cost housing for those vertically challenged members of our society.

These domiciles will be known as the Stay Free minipads.

~~

A company was having its annual picnic at a local park. There were games, lots of food, and swimming at the beach. The weather was hot and sunny. It seemed that all of the ingredients were there for a wonderful day.

Alas, it was not to be. A large number of people got sick. They seemed fine for a while, but soon they began to get dizzy and stagger when they walked, and then they would fall down and complain of terrible cramps. At first, it was thought to be something in the water, because there were rumors about a local industrial firm dumping chemicals into the water. However, one of the bystanders suggested that it was probably the food, because swimmers who weren't with the picnic group were OK, and besides, he added, "They also swerve who only tanned and ate."

~~

The chief of a poor Native American tribe, where there were no paved roads, no electricity, and no indoor plumbing, scrimped and saved and finally was able to send his eldest son to college. The lad did well, working hard for four years and finally graduating with a bachelor's degree in electrical engineering.

Arriving home after graduation, the boy was treated to a welcoming party, complete with plenty of refreshments. Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son was awakened by a call of nature. Exiting the hut, he proceeded down the road to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the lack of lights.

The next day, the son decided to put his education to work. He sat down, did the calculations, and prepared construction drawings for a lighting system for the outhouse, complete with lights for the path leading to it. It was constructed and was an immediate success. This chief's son will go down in history as the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.

~~

This is the story of a fellow that spent the early part of his life working in a photo-development studio. It was a small studio, but he worked hard and developed a large clientele of people who took their film to him to be developed. His control of the chemistry and technology of photography was excellent. In fact, he was given the nickname "Prints" by his grateful customers.

You must, of course, resist the temptation to become suspicious too soon. This is not the story of Snow White waiting endlessly at the Photomat and singing, "Someday, my prints will come." That particular story is much too old for this venue.

Back to our protagonist. He would have continued until retirement as a photo technician, but as so often happens as we grow older, he became victim to certain digestive indiscretions. His increasing inability to digest many common dietary constituents led to that particularly odious problem, flatulence. Now, this is a problem that is well-known to most of us as we get older (and is something to which the younger members of the audience can look forward), but Prints found that the volume of gas he produced was excessive, even gigantic. In fact, it started to have negative consequences in his work and he was driven to see a physician.

Again, you must resist the temptation to jump the gun on this tale. The gases did not make the sound "Honda" and the doctor did not tell him he had an abscess. Thus, this is not the particular story where abscess makes the fart go "Honda"; that also is just too old for this audience.

The propensity to generate unacceptable volumes of gas became worse for our protagonist. Sometimes, however, there is a silver lining hidden within the blanket of adversity, and this was the case in this story. Prints discovered a new talent, one that he would not have known about, except for his affliction. He discovered that he could control the sounds that were made during gas release. After much practice, he could generate musical notes and other sound effects. The overture to a John Phillips Souza march, speeches by the Speaker of the House, the crack of nearby lightning, the long-rolling rumble of distant thunder, the roar of a 727 in full throttle, the mewling of a den of hungry kittens -- all of these and more became part of his repertoire. The audience for such performance art is small, but very enthusiastic. He was forced to give up his photography, and take to the stage in his new showbiz career.

Now, now, is the time to become suspicious. It is likely you may have even recognized the person this story is about -- the fartist formerly known as Prints.