Saturday Humor.

The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) as a combat vessel carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried
no evaporators (fresh water distillers).

However, let it be noted that according to her log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475
officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. On 18
November, she set sail for England.

In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, and though unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons
of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn.

Then she headed home.

The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, NO rum, NO wine, NO whiskey and 38,600
gallons of stagnant water.

GO NAVY!


Q & A

Question:

How do you tell the difference between Ultra- Liberals, Extreme Right Wing Conservatives and Southerners?

Answer:

Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?


A.Ultra-Liberal's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would
inspire him to attack? Could we have the option to run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with
just killing me, & let my wife and children go free?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away
while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a "paint and weed day" and make this a happier, healthier, friendlier street
that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.



B.Extreme Right Wing Conservative's Answer:

BANG!


C. Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click.

Southerner's Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??



Toilet Cleaning ( IT REALLY WORKS !!)
Subject: Instructions on how to clean your toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of
pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him
towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet
and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.


4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the
cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This
provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be
sure that there are no people between the bathroom and
the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and
quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak
t hrough the bathroom, and run outside where he will
dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be ! sparkling
clean.



Sincerely, The Dog

 

I remember that well. They were actually boats we had leased to the French. They hadn't yet figured out how to untie the knot that was holding the British ensign on the mast.

 

Wow! You must be a LOT older than I originally thought!