Staring down the barrel (A recent Biography)

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My life over the last few months has been anything but ideal. I don't know that I've spoke about it openly here, but I have a condition (disease) called hydrocephalus and lately, it's not going so well.

I went to a neurologist a few weeks ago, and found that there's a strong chance that my cerebellum may be laying on my spinal cord, causing my arms to go numb when I sneeze, or whenever pressure for any other reason builds up inside my skull.

I'm scheduled next week for a brain MRI, and if it goes well, I suppose I'm out of the woods for now. If it's not so good, I'll have to have part of my skull removed to correct things, so I'm a little more than worried about the whole ordeal.

Aside from me, my cousin was accidentally shot and killed at the beginning of the month at a party, he was 18. That happened the weekend after a best friend of my brothers was out drinking one night, and fell down his stairs on his way to his apartment, and died, alone. He was 27.

My mom, recently had a colonoscopy that was way less than perfect, and I'm waiting to hear how bad it is, hoping it's something that she lives through.

If life is a roller coaster, mine must be picking up a lot of speed for some twists and turns, because it's been on a downward slide throughout all of my recent memories.

With the MRI coming up, and the possibility of having to go through ANOTHER brain surgery, I just don't want to think about it. They sent me home from the hospital with paperwork for a DNR and living will, and I've been a mess ever since. I didn't choose anyone in my family to execute my wishes, but my best friend of the last year. That may or may not be the best decision, but it was mine to make, and one I don't want to burden anyone in my family with, should it come down to it.

It's odd. I've been spending the last couple of weeks thinking about what I'd say to people if it was the last thing I got to tell them. I don't know if anyone out there has ever done anything like that, but you come up with some pretty interesting things.

The problem with me, is that I've started living like I'm leading up to telling these people those things, and it's messing me up.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I haven't been myself in a very long time. I don't have any feelings anymore.

 

Hey Pax i feel for you buddy.
I am not so seriously sick as you but i have an ongoing bone problem that has had me in surgery 5 times since February and there is still no guarantee that i will not need more.

When you are faced with surgery it plays strange tricks with your mind like "what if i don't wake up" or "what if it goes wrong and i am crippled" the chances are slim but they look huge when you are under the gun.

I have always tried to be positive but after the years of surgeries it gets more and more difficult.

Hold in there Pax and look at it from the point that it will improve your quality of life.

Lottsa Karma heading your way.

 

Hey Pax, hang tight.
Bizarre as it may sound- was going to start a thread here asking about your where abouts. Even though we hardly ever exchanged a post.. Is it possible to miss people on a forum? I think so..

Sorry to hear about your troubled times. I can only wish for all the best, for you and your mum.

Cheers,,

 

Have to agree with the others about hanging in there.
Best of wishes coming your way.

Now would you PLEASE put that gun down? (pretty please.)

 

Hello and sorry to hear about that. I will not put out there my issues or family issues. But I can say that I have gone through more in my life before age 21 then people have had to deal with there whole lifes. All the people Ive seen go through what I have had either became alch, drug abuser or worst and Iam happy I ain't any of them and each day I think about this and that its not good for you. I can only say just hope you get through it, talk to someone about it(if nobody to talk to get a professional to talk with). Its a lot of weight I dont think anybody knows until it happens to them. But once again I pray and hope the best for your return and god bless your family and friends as well.

 

I love you for this post. In a brotherly way, that is. I must break form for a moment and say something that you may or may not find comforting. Having been nearly killed by a drunk driver.. I didn't feel a thing and I actually felt peaceful in God's hands. It was when I awoke to this world that I felt pain again.

I wish you well and God bless.

 

Dang Pax, sorry to hear that. Thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery. :major

And when things do get better, maybe we can look into getting you a more better gun than that old wheel gun. :-D

 

Fred.. we gotsta hook him uuuuup! Something in a .45, black and sexy

 

Your brutally honest and open,something I'm not.

I'll go as far a to say I understand,and if you ever find something that helps you through the hard times don't forget to let me in on it.

Richard

EDIT If I had any wisdom to expel at all it would be just take it day by day,enjoy the day,do things you enjoy and don't think about it,a guy I knew who had a terminal degenerative neuromuscular disease told me that,he knew in a few years he'd be in a hospital bed being fed by a drip but he was happy,he had no choice in the matter just enjoyed each day as it came.

 

I am thinking Pax is a 1911 man. Good proven firearm! I hear they make them in 10mm also. I guess we could let Pax decide. I kinda like my Glock...

And Pax, just joking around a bit. Really, for what this Inifidel's prayers are worth, you got them. :cool

 

Thank you everyone. I guess that was a little in your face, for someone who hasn't really posted anything more than a link or two in quite a few months.

I have good friends, but most of them are new (since I've been single) and not strong enough, it seems to talk about something like this with me. So getting it off my chest where it may have made for an interesting read, and sparked a response was as good as I may get until we see what is really going on. I haven't told even my friends about my mom yet though, that's just outright scary, and I hope for the best with her.

Oddly, though I worry about myself, I think about my friends, and try and help them more than I try and do anything for myself. One of my dearest friends is a 25 year old single mother of two, and I love her with all my heart. Her oldest child is an autistic 6 year old girl, and I just think how dare I worry about my problems when she'll struggle, at least a little for the rest of her otherwise healthy life. That girl is my hero, I'll pick her up and take her out to dinner, spend the evening following her, or carrying her through the mall & we just laugh and run, and lay on the floor if she wants to.

Anyway, I'm off topic. I'm worried about the MRI, and what information it will reveal. But I think I've gotten myself over the turmoil of the situation. I've worried enough healthy days away, and I don't want to do that anymore, until I've been given a valid reason.

I miss my cousin, and I'm sorry that my brother lost his friend, but those are final, nothing is changing that. On one hand, I'm staring down a barrel, but on the other hand, I'm calling the shots. My life is what I have created, and for being on my own for a year plus, I've made a lot of good decisions. Posting in here being the latest.

Thanks for going out of your way to help me through this. I do believe I'm better off having read your posts.

By the way, I'll stick with my budget assault rifles. I think Pistols are awesome though, and to settle the argument, I'd pick a Taurus Judge over anything else.

 

Hey Pax, first of all, after stating the obvious that I'm sad to hear about your continuing medical problems, and sincerely hope that a though diagnosis will be followed by an effective treatment, (operation). On the other hand, I applaud you for your attitudes.
Been through more than my own fair share of C.A.T. scans, blood test, X-rays, etc., etc., in the last few months, with my own issues, but it all pales into insignificance when I read about what has happened to you and those close to you.
Anyway, your right in that helping others is probably the best way to help yourself as well, as I have discovered over the years - so it is a bit of a two way street, so to speak. We can spend our lives looking at our own feet, or serving at others, (not in a sycophantic way, but as a literal blessing to others). I sometimes say it a measure of a man, (or woman's) substance as to the amount of good one can both amplify and leave behind. But enough of that.

Wishing you and your Mom and loved ones well and good fortune always, and

God bless - Take care.
~ Barry.

 

Hey Paxton, you and I don't really know each other much but from your posts I've read you seem like a good guy and all this crap happening is more than unfortunate.
I can't honestly think of anything to say that would make the slightest bit of difference, so I'll simply say you have my very best wishes that things will pick up for you and I really hope the health issues get better quickly.

Never Stop Fighting 'til the Fight Is Done