things you say that go wrong

my aunt sent me this in an email and i thought it was hilarious what do you guys think

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow -- but don't get any....a true story.

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

i took out the fourth testimony cause it was a bit to um well you know lol

 

This sounds like a Readers Digest extract.

 

those were hilairious, PM me #4 please

 

Number 4 and 5 are HERE.

 

haha those are hilarious.........

 

LMAO!

That's a great start for my Friday.

 

Very cute. Thanks...

 

hmm i guess my aunt must of renamed number 3 and made it number 4 lol

you guys probubly clicked on insomniacs link so you know why i didnt post number 4 i mean 3 lol

 

That is just too funny some I have seen but when they are that good I like to see them again.
Steph

 

i like to make people laugh and i knew this would get a laugh out of you lol

moumantai everyone

 

Those are hilarious...got my Friday off to it's usual funny start

I have a couple to add....

My neighbor came home one day from the store with her husband (she didn't buy him there, you understand...they went there together!). She was looking really rosey-cheeked and he was just in hysterics, so I said hi and asked them what was going on. Apparently, they had gone to the home improvements store as they were remodeling their living room. She had wnated to put some daido rail around the walls, but couldn;t see any in the store. So she approached the sale person and asked "Can you tell me where your dildo rail is?". Her husband nearly had a hernia busting up.

The other one comes from my husband. When I first got out to the US he wanted me to understand the implications of logging, his trade, so I would know why he comes home some nights like a zombie. So one day I go to work with him up the mountains. He's a cutter, so I was learning all about the technical side of his work. But the job he had that day was just small trees to fell...no bigger than a foot in diameter. I was impressed when they hit the deck, how much the ground shook, but he said that was nothing. He wanted to show me how much the ground could really shake when you tipped a large tree, but it kinda came out wrong when he said "I wish I had big wood to excite you". The whole crew nearly died laughing before he realized what he had said.

(I think that is cryptic enough to post here...if not, Lord, I apologize and please be with the starving pygmies down in New Guinea).