too many men

there is altogether too much testosterone in my house. i am outnumbered by three men (at least thats what they think they are), one teenager (as if that wasn't bad enough all on its own) and to cap it all two dogs and a tomcat. i want to go away somewhere where i am not responsible for where the clean clothes are, who last did the washing up, whats for dinner, (read shopping for it, preparing for it, cooking it, and cleaning up after it.), and where nobody says to me "your always on HIS side". bl**dy men. i want to be a lesbian and live in lesbania. i want to surround myself with pink flowers, perfume, and fluffy pillows. i want to be able to go to the toilet without holding my breath or having to put the toilet seat back down or pick up towels and laundry off the floor.

bar sending me the money to spend the week at a spa i dont suppose there is anything you lot can do to help, but thanks for letting me rant. not so much aloha today.

 

Me too,I think women are hot so I'm halfway there

 

LOL @ Rikky, he says what the rest of us are too scared to.

 

You know that men are trained, by women who are their trainers. Nice, nurturing, helpful women, the ones we like to marry, tend to do everthing for their men, and then complain that their men don't do anything. My mother raised 5 sons, and all are gentlemen. However, she's Catholic Irish, and has a temper to match the stereo-type. No bull**** was allowed, no backtalk tolerated. You did your chores, made your beds, washed dishes, raked and mowed and shoveled snow. But to me, none of this was work, to be avoided, this was income generation. We were taught that work brought reward and that lesson is the key. If you're a nice woman that does everything for her men, then, believe me, lady, you will never get to rest. If you're the chief cook, you don't have to be chief bottle washer as well. If the beds aren't made, then there will be no allowance. You may also omit deserts and other items for non-compliance. Before they know it, you'll be back in charge and so full of energy, that your husband/boyfriend (notwithstanding Lesbos and the Sisters of Saphos) won't be able to keep up with your appetite. Trust me. This works for men. We need training.

 

Sounds like you need to negotiate a proper separation of house hold duties. As an old bachalor raising a teen I make sure he does his share, though sometimes it seems more work to get it done than I get in return.

 

too late already. my hubby was spoiled rotten by his mum (who, other than that is a saint), my brother was raised by my mum, (who is not anything close to saintly), the lodger is still rebelling against being an army brat (and he's fifty something now) which leaves my son, who in all honesty is less of a problem. the thing i object to MOST is that they are all turning me into a control freak, simply because if i don't control what goes on, no-one else does. if i just down tools, than nothing gets done at all and they all get miserable because they haven't had a hot meal or clean clothes, or they clean clothes one item at a time and eat sandwiches or takeout. i don't do deserts...i cant afford to feed them and supply 'afters'. my only recourse appears to be hysteria. there has to be an easier way. at the moment hubby and brother are locked into an argument about whether brother should have to share his bathroom in the place WE HAVEN'T EVEN MOVED INTO YET!!! oh and btw last week i received the minimum 45 days notice to move. guess who will be doing all the packing, the cleaning, and of course the unpacking. (mind you at least i get out of humping things from one place to the other). the dogs are in fact well behaved....but only because i keep on top of their training. they are both fairly big and i need them to obey me without question. (shame i cant just train the men with dog biscuit's and pats on the head!!) im just altogether fed up.

 

We are only treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated,if you think your being unfairly treated tell them,explain to them rationally why so,I have and will never expect anyone to do something for me,if they do great thanks,if they dont I'll do it myself,I dont understand where this methology comes from

If a guys is living alone he does his own washing up,cleans his own clothes,sorts out his own meals and ofcourse works,I dont see how somewhere along that line a woman takes over those duties even if the guy is the bread winner,only if the woman enjoys cooking should she do it,it should never be expected of her IMHO

You always have a choice Laurie even if it doent seem so,the choice to tell them you'v had enough,the choice not to do thier chores and the choice to leave

 

Me too......

Steve

 

i am not known for being a doormat, but there are just too many of them. each one says its not HIS mess, or HIS turn or whatever. the arrival of my brother (who is 41 btw) appears to have reduced the age level to that on par with a toddler. i dont know why that is. i think hubby, son, and both dogs are jealous of the fact that someone else is receiving my attention (i dont know what the lodgers excuse is!) they all squable and bicker and say things that start with 'LAURIE'...'he said such and such'...'no, he started it'...'i did it last time' and of course the clincher ...'your always on HIS side'...

and no..i cant leave just because they're all a bunch of .......(feel free to fill in )

even the dogs play up. the men come home from work and the two dogs are winding themselves in and out of my legs and pushing and prodding their noses against me for a stroke, or just suddenly laying on their backs in front of me, waving their legs in the air. and as i move so do they. (i have to say that i'm laughing now at the ridiculousness of it all). even the cat keeps bringing in dead things for me and growling at the dogs. is it a full moon or something?

 

Get yourself a good knife an cut the achilles tendon of one of the men,its a vital tendon for walking,running ect,once the other guys see him limping around they'll all fall into line

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b214/Rikky_/achilles.gif

 

Where to start... shoot them all and start over?

Let me get this straight... you're planning on moving into and sharing a house with two men (boys, whatever) that squabble all the time and can't agree on anything? Plus have a lodger that's acting up? Sounds like a recipe for long-term insanity. Are there no other options? Like just your own family????

 

Laurie......I have the solution. Send all the males of your household to my house to live with all the males I have here.

I will pack my bags and come live in beautiful Hawaii with you, where we will wash our own clothes, take turns cooking meals and laugh over a margherita in the spa

 

You could pack the stuff you want to keep and find another home, for say, 3 months. After that they might be willing to negociate.

 

LOL. After 3 months, they'd surrender in a heartbeat.

 

3 months is too long. They will have accepted the mess they live in by then.....try 6 weeks.

 

My mother was like you and spoiled us to death because she did everything. I still learned how to my own stuff but as child growing up in a home with European heritage, it was just a certain way and that was "The women did all the cleaning, cooking and nurturing". I even lived in an area that facilitated this because the population was like 70% European.. OLD school style as in either just off the boat or 1st/2nd generation born in America.

Now, my wife is kind of like this too because we trained eachother. It eventually became like:
She cooked, I cleared off the table and got the boy cleaned up.
She did the left over dishes in the sink, I kept my son from getting into trouble
She goes shopping, I carry it all in,
- she puts it all away because God forbid I put it in the wrong spot. She cooks, therefore she puts it away. I will usually take my son to the park or try to do some maint on my yard.
She runs her own CPA firm.. so while she needs hours of time after 6:30pm to get work done... I play with my son, give him a bath, get him to bed. You have kids, you can appreciate how difficult that can be sometimes

BUT I made a conscious decision partially based on the fact that my wife wasn't going to do everything and couldn't possibly do everything, that I would pick up the slack where I could.

My mother eventually stopped doing our clothes and be damned if you ran out because it was now up to you.. perhaps you should try that?
OH,and if you do become a lesbian.. call me we lesbians have to stick together

 

Yeah well, you don't have to be female to get 'stuck' with all the cleaning, cooking gardening, and everything else to do with running a household. Some guys are in that position, too. I've been doing so for over 25 years, and running several companies, and caring for disabled, and helping out anyone else I can on any given day, etc., etc., basically without complaint (although maybe a little at times, LoL). All I got was deserted for it. Got a family to complain about? Well lucky you. Some of us don't have that ‘luxury’.

Personally, I find getting frequently told that all males are lazy, complacent slobs more than a little irksome. Sure, some are, but then a know plenty of women that sit at home, doing Jack, spending hubbies money that he's working his butt off. So it all depends on your p.o.v., doesn't it.

We all have options - what option you see fit, and are prepared to take only the individual can answer. It’s a part of human nature, that if one gets it, maybe a bit too easy, it’s easy to be lazy and inconsiderate. That’s when it’s time for the proverbial size 10 boot in the butt, heh, heh!

Frustration is natural, it’s how we deal with it that distinguishes one who takes it in their stride, and one who can’t cope.

 

I'm with Kodo...our house runs pretty much the same with the European/American thing going on. However, I refuse to bath our son. At 20 he should be able to sort that one out now!

Our boys who live/have lived with us are kinda shocked if I do their laundry. They've been doing all their own since they were 12.

My husband would agree with you too Kodo, re lesbianism

 

OMG Laurie... I know what yo umean. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done around here. GOd forbid I leave a note when I go off to work asking to please fold the dry clothes and put the wet ones in the dryer, or maybe empty, refill and start the dishwasher. All holy hell breaks loose, and it is still there when I get home at midnight. I think that some guys feel that just because they make more money they don't have to do any work around the house. Hell, I even have to take the dogs out when I get home. The only reason I don't put my foot down further, is because we never see each other when we are awake... just how our schedules run.. the only day we have off together is Sunday. That is about to change, as I am looking at a job change coming up soon (I hope) and then there will be some changes going down.

I know what you mean about being spoiled though. He never had to take care of his own stuff, always had a maternal type figure there doing it all for him, and now it looks like I stepped into that role. TOld him though htat this neds to change, either he starts helping out, or he starts making enough money that I don't have to work and can spend my time taking care of the home and being online

Calltaker

 

My first semester in a college dorm we had 3 guys in a small 3 person room. Not much room for us all, and didn't take much clutter to make it unlivable. One of the 3 was a momma's boy that had never learned to pick up his underwear or do anything else for himself. First couple of weeks his stuff was all over the floor, desk space, and OUR beds even. We threw it back on HIS bed and told him he had to pick up after himself... his momma wasn't there to do it for him. That didn't do it, so the next week we gathered up his stuff and dumped it in the hall outside our door. He still didn't get the point, so the following week we gathered up his mess and dumped out our second floor window. After picking his underwear etc. out of the bushes while other kids snickered at him he finally wised up and started cleaning up his messes.

It's NOT necessary to live eternally with bickering slobs. Sit down with them and hammer out a list of responsibilities, then post them on the fridge. And don't do theirs. Demand that if they want to bicker between themselves that they take it out behind the garage or somewhere else out of your sight and hearing and settle it themselves. Or go find somewhere ELSE to live.

You have a commitment to your hubby and son, but NOT to a bickering brother and lodger. And you didn't commit to putting up with endless BS for no good reason.

 

well hysteria works. i just screamed abuse at the both of them and its all gone very quiet!!!

the place we're moving to is a two bedroom house with a studio. me and hubby and son get the two beds and bruv gets the studio. if they cant be nice to each other they dont have to speak to each other. the lodger is going to have to find his own accomodation.

 

i keep telling you we have a lot in common.

 

that is a big part of this. ENGLISH MEN. hubby is the tail end of the generation that believed that. because hubby REFUSES to help around the house, wash up, cook etc. the other men dont see why they should.

as brother is now going to be separate, at lease i am back down to looking after the three of us (and my son isnt nearly as bad as the grown men)

 

Sounds like a big improvement. Both the screaming and the new place.

 

you are 100% right of course, and it has to be said that all these people (and the animals) love me dearly. i am indeed fortunate.

having said that, i really do believe that jealousy over my attention is half of the problem. i am ten years older than my brother and have always been the mother figure that our own mum was incapable of being. all of my brothers adore me and think i am the best thing since sliced bread. they are also super protective of me. my brother tells hubby off for not helping enough, or not being appreciative enough to me, and hubby still views my brother as 'little' and is intolerant of critisism. into that mix is the 14 yr old who swings between wanting to be a man, with the men. and wanting to be my little boy and be excluded from the fray.


and the testosterone thing is real. i think its what the animals are picking up on. too many alpha males and only one alpha female.

 

Well, I'm glad you're getting things sorted out somewhat, anyway.

I just realised I might have sounded like a grouch. I was just playing the 'Devil's Advocate' a little.

My Mom died when I was five, my father was busy working, as were my elder bothers, so I learned self-reliance from about then onwards for most things. My 'Carer roles' in later life have been my choice for the most part, although circumstances played a part also, so I can't complain, really.

I know you well enough to know that you have an appreciation of family and life in general. But it doesn't help when people be lazy and generally awkward.

Good deal on finding the new accommodation. Hope you'll be happy there.

 

This is something I would never ever accept. If he refuses to help, then you can refuse as well, and nothing would be done. I know enough English men to know that it is not something genetic, they are actually physically capable, and they have responsibilites too.

Having said that, quite some years of experience and some good, some bad relationships have taught me a few things. When it comes to dividing the tasks, don't try to make it 3 washing up each or something like that. That tends to make everyone miserable. Instead, try to work with people's strengths. For example cleaning the bathroom is something that doesn't take me long to do, and it doens't bother me to do it either. So I clean it a few times a week. I hate to do the dishes, my boyfriend doesn't mind, so he does them most of the time. I work longer hours, he does most of the cooking. I don't mind cleaning the floors and organising, I do that. I do laundry most of the time, he does most of the shopping and tends to the car. And so on. I think both of us are quite happy with the way things are, he doesn't complain, and I certainly don't!

Try talking to your husband, tell him that you don't manage to stay on top of things the way they are piling up. Make a list of the things that have to be done every week, and ask him to pick the things that he feels he can do. If he has a choice on what parts to help with, that might make him more motivated. If he doesn't want to do anything at all, tell him he needs to earn more so that he can hire a servant...

 

well you'll all be pleased to know the situation has calmed down somewhat. we have had another arrival from england, and the appearance of yet another man appears to have relaxed the tension between hubby and bruv. (how does that work!!) this one is a bit more domesticated, which has shamed the rest into a bit more help. (to my dying day i will never understand how a man who can strip a washing machine down to its component parts and rebuild it (with improvements) can still say he doesn't know how to operate it!!) anyway just to let you know all is well in laurie land. much aloha and many thanks for all your support.