Why do people act like this?

Ok, thus begins my rant - I've been friends with this guy for almost 4 yrs, you think you'd get to know someone in 4 yrs, right?? Nope!

Over the past 1 1/2 we have become closer friends (or so I thought). At first it was really hard, we were like the same exact person (both stubborn, opinionated and always had to get the last word, I mean he was the male version of ME to a T) So we would argue ALOT and as a result he'd never want to hang out with me instead, spending time with the people I hang out with... As time went by I've grown tired of arguing so I stopped always trying to be right and admit they might be (HUGH step for me.. It would drive me crazy if I wasnt right) and things got better, we were friendlier and could actually have a conversation without arguing! we even started to hang out so, I was thinkin things were good and we were on our way to having a real friendship.

6 months ago, he decides to join the army and out of all the friends he has, I was the ONLY ones to write to him, I sent him letters, pictures and such because he felt home sick. not ONCE did any of the other people he liked more than me write to him.. I mean it takes 5 minutes to write a letter.... so we wrote back and forth and our friendship really seem to be taking off (I value my friendships alot, I work at them because thats what you do when you have a relationship that you care about).

Well he got back about two weeks ago and do you think that things changed for the better? Its worse then it was before...now he avoids talkin to me and doesnt want to hang out with.. I mean what the heck is that about??? he'd rather spend time with the people to wouldnt even take 5 minutes to right him a stinkin letter!! Its frustrating me, what is his problem? why do people treat others like they are disposable??

I don't stay mad at people for long.. to me its pointless to carry a grudge as it only really hurts you in the long run. I just need to vent and im good to go.. so thus ends my rant

(sorry its long, I needed to get it off my chest... feel free to comment )

 

Sounds like someone had a growing...attachment for him.

Sorry

men are pigs. I know, I am one.

oink!

 

Do you think he might be playing 'hard to get'? confused

Maybe he just has a lot on his mind.

 

Ha, If you only knew....

(but thats another story for a different time)

 

Hi Dyamond
Sorry to hear about the frustrating situation you find yourself in
Maybe your friend is actually 'scared' of getting into a serious relationship with you. Us guys' thinking is different to a womans' and sometimes misread signals, quite often mixing up the difference between friendliness and sexual stuff.
I hope that things work out
take care
Grumbles

 

A good friend once told me(well actually he told me numerous times, just took awhile to sink in). "Give only what you don't mind losing, then you will never ask yourself why it wasn't returned" Since adopting that thought process, my expectations of others has gone. I never give anything that requires a return, I give its gone, if it comes back fine, then I can give more, if not like our Aussie friends say "No Worries Mate".

Easier said than done, but if you do dyamond, you won't be beating yourself up over what others do, like I use to...............................Oh and it also helps if your a senile old Fart like Timmie and meLOL

 

et moi.

yeh, just let it go. in the scheme of things you will one day wonder way you cared at all.

 

There's a stupid saying which goes

I say stupid because I don't like it. Playing hard to get or any other silly game like that, is manipulative behaviour.
In relationships or any kind of interaction, there's a concept sometimes known as positioning. In an equal relationship, things are nice and even. But if one person is bending over backwards, making allowances and all the effort, that's nowhere near equal, so the positioning is all wrong. The key is to spot when this is the case, and decide whether or not you're happy for it to carry on.

 

I agree.. it just sucks during the time when you DO actually care

 

People change


I'll be your friend
Keep in mind I'm not much for writing letters

 

Oh no. This is one of those topics that I find hard to ignore. I was just thinking about someone I went out with a few years ago. I loved her, and I think she loved me. But it was a rocky ride (no joke intended so don't laugh). Well alright, yes do laugh if you want, because looking back on it now, I can see the funny side too. But it wasn't funny then. Not at all. I must admit I didn't give up easily, even when I knew things weren't going to work out. I only walked away when I'd tried everything I possibly could and there was nothing else I could do to make things work.
I've never been bitter about how things were, and I didn't bear her any ill feelings. I saw her last month, and we had a talk. It was good because it was a good way of drawing a line under it, and afterwards, I realized 100% that there was no way it could have worked. The reason I'm saying all this is because I couldn't see it at the time. BUT anyone who can see it at the time is lucky, because if you are in a situation like that, and you know things aren't right, at least you've got the chance to be honest with yourself, (and anyone else involved) and find something or someone who is right for you.

 

I dont know maybe I was/am naive.. I always look at the best in people and expect them to treat me how I treat them and when they don't, I'm crushed.

This time, I dunno... I guess I thought he really must have changed...
cuz he played this game before, when I was pissed at him (long story I wont get into) THATS when he was really nice to me... I mean what the heck? Im nice to you and your mean to me and when im genuinely mad at you thats when your going to be nice?? I am too grown for all these dumb games.

 

Why waste energy and time feeding such a person's ego...I'm sure you have better things to do and more genuine people to do it with.

Burnt once, punters think twice...

 

I could be way off the mark here, but when I read that, I remembered something I learnt about me. It might be totally different for you. And if it is, feel free to ignore this.
When I used to go into relationships I'd feel great to begin with. When things were good, I'd feel alright about myself. But when things were not good, I'd feel like the lowest of the low. I didn't know what it was about at the time. I do now.
When I met someone and sensed that they accepted me, I felt able to accept myself. And as I've said, when things weren't so great, I didn't accept myself. I'll cut a long story short and just say that eventually I realized I didn't have to wait for someone else to accept me before I could accept me. It wasn't a quick process, and it definitely didn't happen overnight, but I got there eventually. I'm not saying it's been some sort of massive ego trip or anything. I don't go around now thinking, "I'm really great", but more that I don't need anyone elses permission to accept myself.

 

And here I thought it was me !!!!
I am disabled big time and went to a neighbors party,
GOT MY *** BEAT. THEY THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.
MY SON IS 6'6 AND HE TRIED TO HELP ME. ( HE IS A BLACK BELT BUT REAL FIGHTS ARE NOT LIKE THE MOVIES.)
We learned a real lesson that night. You have no real friends.
The neighbor turned his back on us because of his old lady.They call you friends. I have friends who wanted to be there to help.I dont need help.Remember KARMA??For some reason it was my turn. They couldnt knock me out but if they did the pain wouldnt be there.No hospital but 2 weeks on the couch which is almost normal. Am I wrong to pray for revenge???

 

Short answer - yes, I think so...
Not to mention, revenge is just another way for someone to bring you down to their level. What they did was wrong, yes...two wrongs never equal a right.

 

I used to be like that yes.. I have felt the need for someone else to validate me, tell me im worth something.. but now Im like "hey this is me, either you like me or you dont". Its not because im rich, famous or wildly attractive (which im not any of the three) its because I am worth something...

Its just with this guy... he has that effect to make you feel like the most special person in the world OR like the lowest scum on the face of the earth.

 

It sounds like it could be a power thing to me. What I mean is that people only have power to influence another person if they are allowed to. But life is complicated. It sounds like you have a very clear idea of how you react to this guy. In an ideal world (which it isn't) everything would be black and white, simple and easy to understand. But when you start to feel drawn to another person, rational thought sometimes gets overshadowed by feelings, and then it can be hard to decide whether to follow your head or your heart. I followed my heart and I don't regret it, but looking back at it from a few years down the line, I can see how I could have done things differently. They say hindsight is an exact science, and it's true enough. Before I start rambling on too much, let me get back to what you were saying about the effect this guy has on you. Do you know that you can either allow him the power to have this effect on you, or not allow him the power to do it ? People (often without being aware of it) will focus in on someone who they sense they can influence. I think this is what might have been happening with this guy. A person will weigh up a situation and find boundaries. Sometimes they will push these boundaries to see how far they can get.
For me, it still comes back to the equality question. Is this person able and / or willing to have an equal interaction or relationship with you ? If he is, why do you experience the highs and lows you mentioned ? If he's not, the decision on what to do about it is yours, not anyone elses.

 

Parties suck for that. I had a really good friend of mine get drunk and knocked me over in my chair to fight me. He was at the end of a metal extendable baton before he could blink.

Alcohol does crappy things to people. And for the people who would turn their back to others in need of help--I'd pray for revenge too!

 

Sorry you are having this happen, dyamond. I can relate - I was once in a like situation with a female friend of mine. I was always around to help when help was needed - be it emotional support or fixing a water heater. Just like your friend, this gal knew how to turn on the charm (I'm a sucker for that it seems) But I found when the chips were down for me I could not count on the support being reciprocated. I was hurt and confused - then really pissed about it.

I don't understand such people myself. My wife calls souls like this "Emotional Vampires" and I think this is an apt term. Some people exist just to suck up whatever positive force comes their way. It is a painfull thing to be betrayed like that.

I hope it works out for you.

Natakel

Oh - and laurieB was right - I wonder now why I cared at all.

For that matter, Adrynalyne was right also - by and large, men are pigs.

 

People grow up at different rates, I'm not the same person I was at 25, or 30. I'd do some things differently, but you have to learn the hard way. I suspect this guy is going to have his nose rubbed in some things, by the time he realizes his mistakes it will be too late. Sorry you had to be one of the props in the story of his life.

Adynaline is right, men are pigs. I kept this lesson going for my two girls. Fortunately for us we have our uses.

 

And you didn't bother to just ask him why he did the things he did?

 

Yep, people change, and not always for the better (sometimes for the better, but usually the other way around). And yes, sometimes it hurts, but we all (I would hope), use it as a learning experience and move on. Otherwise it just becomes a power struggle thing. It doesn’t hurt the other party, it sucks out of you. I won't go down that path nowadays.

Re: Being 'right':- I went through three main phases on life with regard to this. Firstly, when I was young, I didn't know that much, due to inexperience. But I knew I basically didn't know squat compared to a lot of older people, and kept my mouth shut and learnt.

The second phase, as I got older, I knew quite a bit about some things. Sometimes others would try and tell me what I knew was totally wrong and stupid. I would try to 'educate' them. I found this was a waste of time for the most part, as people will believe what they want to believe, and whatever suits their particular agenda and stereotypes.

The third phase is basically what I do now. If one wants to learn, I'm happy to teach them. Likewise, if they can teach me - even if it means proving me in error, then great, I've leant something new. If, as is normally the case, they want to think what they think, right or wrong, then basically, it's not my concern. I just let it go. As long as I'm not living with said person, it’s not my problem. Some come back, and say "Ya know you were right about such and such..". That's not a 'victory' for me, it just means I was able to help out, that's all.

 

HI FOLKS i am home from the hospital and just reading the posts, i didn't realize how many people on here were fitted with wheels like me.

sorry to hear of your problem DYAMOND i have the same problem i always give and get really disappointed when it is not reciprocated my wife tells me i am very nieve maybe so but i have always tried to see the best in people but it does appear that if there is no profit friendship is a one way street.http://emoticons4u.com/cartoon/1263.gif

 

Why do people act like this?
Sounds like a RAM problem. This diagnostics check is a good start but, you may want to consider an upgrade!

 

heh heh if it were only that easy!

@ Anupu

I've tried... Not a good idea - his responses "Why do you make a big deal out of everything" and "I dont know" then he gets all pissed.. and i really hate drama rolleyes

@ Phantom

I two have gone thru those stages.. Im at the stage now when I'm speaking with someone and they are telling me something that I dont know... I'll accept it because I've gotten to the point where I really DONT like to argue (I used to like it) I don't want anymore conflicts...

 

If it's the kind of friend that just wants to be a friend when they has a use for you, then it's probably not the sort of friend you want in the first place.

As for knowing people. I thought I knew my 'Ex' after 25 years. Until the day she deserted me and two young kids. Haven't seen her since. So you just never know when it comes to people. ~ 'Cest Le vei, as they say.

Thing is - you just enjoy life and the friendships as relationships on a day to day basis, 'cause the only certainty in life, is that nothing is permanent.

 

I agree that nothing is permanent on this earth.. everything will fade away.

As for friendship, I work at mine because that what you do with any relationship you want to maintain.. like a garden, if not watered and nurtured it will not grow but wither away slowly and die. I guess you have to figure out which relationships are worth working on..

 

Lop-sided or unilateral relationships are invariably doomed to failure sooner or later. That I do know from experience. If it (the relationship) is not based on mutual respect and liking, then it's not worth the effort, imo.

Liking someone is easy. Dozens of people like me. Respect is another thing. That has to be earned, and genuine respect is rarely just 'given'.

 

Yep, I agree. Its kind of hard when your in the relationship/friendship to see that its one-sided because you want it to work so much.. I did want it to work, I like being friendly and having friends.. they mean alot to me. My friends are like the family I dont have. Thats why this is really tough.

@ the respect issue... I always let people know that my respect for them is not given and It must be earned.

 

I too was beat up by someone that I thought was a friend, I tried to fight back but there's only so much one can do when one has a broken leg. It was a party and he just snapped and no other 'friend' helped me either, except for a girl. That burnt me more than getting punched and they are all out of my life except for the girl, with which I have a good relationship with twenty years later.

Anyways, I don't want vengeance or hold any hatred against him as that only eats one up. I think I have enough revenge by seeing him lose his house and car, finally went to jail for beating up a girlfriend. Actually, I feel sorry for him as he was a bright and funny person. What a waste.

@BILLMCC66 Another one on wheels here. The internet is good for us as we can't get around like others.

@dyamond A break of the relationship may hurt now but you'll be better off in the long run.

 

augie, man that really stinks... some people only want to be your "friend" when it benefits them (as in my case it seems). I can not believe noone else would help you when you had a broken leg.. thats just horrible.

I do give you props on not holding grudes, like you said bitterness will eat you alive and because what you sow you will ultimately reap (as in the case with that guy).

I think im starting to be ok with me not being his friend, I'm trying to stay away from him but its kind of hard b/c my friends are his friends too and unless I never wanna go out again, I'm going to have to be around him.

Thanks to all for letting me rant and for being supportive, I really appreciate it!

 

geezus,,,,I was gonna give my 2 cents, but don't wanna get it going.
never give advice, because:
the wise don't need it.
and fools don't heed it.

I only have a few friends, the rest are all acquaintances, but I have never done anything for a friend and expected anything in return, ever. I think they feel the same way.

 

And yet here you are giving advice.

 

Well there you go, either he's a ********, or he doesn't think about what he says, whatever the truth it doesn't sound like he's interested in having any kind of relationship with you.

 

I read your post and I feel for you. I am the same way. I am the type of person that always goes the extra mile. I have very few people in my life that I would call friends. I prefer it that way. The people that I are my friends are people of integrity, and that share a lot of the same values that I do.
It sounds like maybe he has his head in the clouds now that he is a military man. It is hard not to feel hurt or to take it personally, but try not too. You know that you have been a good friend. Remember that. If my instinct is right - Trust me, when the hype wears off he will realize he did treat you like he should have and hopefully he is not too proud to tell you!

 

I have alot of acquaintences, but real true honest friends? I have about 2.

I keep my friends on a need to know basis.. If I think you need to know I will tell you.

As for the guy... he talks to me now. Now that I dont have the time of day for him, now he really he wants to talk to me.. whatever rolleyes