Jokes v.3

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"



My humble apologies, Spock, and anyone else who reads my offerings, but I think the Yuletide fairies have invaded my keyboard.

Regards,
Harry

 

On a flying visit to New York this week, I sat next to a stunning woman who revealed to me she was giving a lecture to the annual nymphomaniac convention in America.
She told me she was debunking sexual myths:

>French men aren’t the best lovers, Greeks are.

>Red Indians are the most well-endowed, not African Americans.

>Irishmen, not the English upper class, are the most likely to charm a woman into bed.

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and said: ‘I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!’
>
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‘Tonto,’ I said. ‘Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.’

 

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel
owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his
debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services"
on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves
town.

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works

 

:-d :-d

 

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:
1. A salt shaker,
2. A shot of Baileys,
3. A shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth........smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.
He thinks........this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles.....
3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits.....
4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, Jesus what do you call that drink?'
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge." ;-o

 

roflmao

 

These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow (MEDICAL PROGRESS NOTES)

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31.. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection.. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

 

Morning Folks, I'm feeling very optimistic about the news and keeping everything crossed for a speedy conclusion. I thought I'd take the opportunity to bring you some hot satirical (of course) news that's just come in of particular interest since we are not only the home of PFC but also of the Royal Navy:

New Ships The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £850 million each, they meet the ...needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal. The crew will be 5050 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes.


The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor".

All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels."
:wave
His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules!"

 

I got this in an email and thought it was amusing.

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

 

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

 

Ah, but they are useful..:yum..LOL

 

Californians you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $400,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran! and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

14 It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is/WAS your governor.

 

roflmao That's hysterical Tim

 

This is quite an interesting tale:--

Railroad tracks.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.



Why was that gauge used ?

Because that's the way they built them in Scotland,and Scottish expatriates designed the US railroads.



Why did the Scottish build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.



Why did 'they' use that gauge then ?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.




Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing ?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in Scotland, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.




So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including Scotland) for their legions.

Those roads have been used ever since.



And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts,
Which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels..

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

Bureaucracies live forever....



So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's *** came up with this?', you may be exactly right.

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.



Now, the twist to the story:



When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.

These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.

The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.

The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.


So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of two horses' asses.

And you thought being a horse's *** wasn't important !

Ancient horses' asses control almost everything...

And current Horses' Asses in government are controlling everything else.

AND HERE ENDETH THE LESSON

 

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.

It was absolutely wonderful,
it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried,
the cow would move away from the bull,
and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to
the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?



The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

























"My wife is from Scotland"

 

A marine deployed to Afghanistan received a letter from his girlfriend. In this letter, she explained that she was in love with his best friend and they were getting married. She wants to break up, and she wants all pictures of herself back.

So the marine did what most guys in that situation would do.

He went around to his buddies and collected all the pictures of women that they were willing to give up for a noble cause. He then mailed pictures of about 35 different women (in various stages of nudity) to his ex-girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your own picture and send the rest back."

 

:-D:-D:-D
Nice one Mims, did something much the same, only sent her 12, didn't need to go around my mates though.

 

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

You'll love this ..........


The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

 

This was a good joke.

 

A new priest, born and raised in Ottawa , is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'Yes, I see,' or 'Yes, go on,' or 'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit... what happened next?"

 

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year,

And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,

" Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

 

God Loves Drunks Too
>
> A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
> door.
>
> The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
> in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
>
>
> "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 in the morning!"
>
>
> He slams the door and returns to bed.
>
>
> "Who was that?" asked his wife..
>
> "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
>
>
> "Did you help him?" she asks.
>
>
> "No, I did not, it’s 3 in the morning and it’s bloody pouring rain out
> there!"
>
>
> "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
> three months ago when we broke down, and
> those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be
> ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk
> people too you know.”
>
>
> The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
> rain.
>
>
> He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
>
>
> "Yes," comes back the answer.
>
>
> "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
>
>
>
> "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
>
>
> "Where are you?" asks the husband.
>
>
> "Over here on the swing," replies the drunk..
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

 

Nice :-D

I'm almost drawn to you now Harry, it's almost like seeing the thread bump with your name is like someone seeing their weekly TV show lol

 

roflmao ...I needed that laugh at 5:00 in the morning.

 

Joke for the day: As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure."

 

I can't remember if I posted this or not.(I couldn't find it if I had).

>
>
>
> NOMINATED THE BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR.
>
> A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States
. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank
you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing,
food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
>
>
>
> The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
>
>
>
>
> The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in America ."
>
>
>
>
> The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
>
>
>
>
> The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !
>
>
>
>
> That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not
American."
>
>
>
>
> He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
>
>
>
>
> She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
>
>
>
>
> Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
>
>
>
>
> The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

 

Hahaha

 

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,

"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked again...

The barber checked the shop and said "About three hours....." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long Before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a Half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.

A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said,

"Your House."

 

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting (now "Accenture") to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon!"

 

Patrick, who was holidaying from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The potato goes in front!"

 

A husband and wife were watching television. Suddenly, the woman turned and slapped the man very hard.

“What was that for?”

“For 25 years of bad sex.”

The man considered that for a minute, then he suddenly turned and smacked her.

“What was that for?”

“For knowing the difference.”

 

I just HAD to share this :-D


The Pastor's As*

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.


The local paper read:


PASTOR'S AS* OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race...


The next day, the local paper headline read:


BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S AS*.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey..


The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent;

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:


NUN HAS BEST AS* IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted!

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the papers read:

NUN SELLS AS* FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER AS* IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.


The moral of the story is:
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery. It can even shorten your life...

 

Loved that one.

 

EDIT deleted too explicit.

 

Grammar: The difference between knowing your sh--, and knowing you're sh--.

 

While Peter was sunbathing naked at the beach in Jamaica - for the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."

 

I love that roflmao

 

Hope this hasn't been posted before...it gave me a real good laugh
This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife,
'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises
and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,
this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
'Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence'

 

Husband grabs TV remote as wife walks in, and starts flicking channels in a panic !
Golf/ Porn
Golf/ Porn
Golf/ Porn
Golf/ Porn
Golf/ Porn
Wife leans into living room and shouts to Husband
" Leave it on Porn you know how to play Golf "

 

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he
appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes, Nurse Tracy,'
said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little
crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.' The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall
with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy.
'Mr. Wallace,' she said,

'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your
Private Part back inside your pajamas.' 'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,'
replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging
out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this.)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

 

That's funny

 

Wonder what he will do for the burial?rolleyes:confused

 

I found this anonymous article deeply moving -- I hope you do, too.
As a Piper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently Gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say; "I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."
Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing

 

Women in leather dresses

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? ?
Do you know that when a woman wears
a leather dress,
a man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry ,
he gets weak in the knees,
and he thinks irrationally ?
Ever wonder why?









It's because she smells
like a N e w Truck

 

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ..

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site www.speedofart.com

 

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi ! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi ! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die ?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible !

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you ?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened ?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer --- we'd both still be alive

 

Next time you're on your iphone or whatever and texting ,think about all the abreviations.
ATD: At The Doctor ' s

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk ' s On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can ' t Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where ' s The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

 

Wee Billy from Glesga tried his utmost to look cool.

His friend told him that he needed a pair of good designer trainers to go with his shell suit.

Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty Ginger bottles and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

Strutting down the street, Billy called out to all the passers by "Check oot ma new trainers pal? Stonkin, eh?"

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that while they were indeed a fine pair of trainers, was young Billy aware that, "Ye've no' done up the laces on wan o' them, ya daft bastirt!"

Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace on one trainer, and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do so.

When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.

"There y'are! Clear as day it says......

Taiwan !!!!!"

 

Ooohhh my god that's bad roflmao

Thats one of those, "It's so bad it can't not be funny" , I pull many of those :-D