Jokes

John's Thanksgiving celebrations didn’t go over as smoothly as he first thought....rolleyes

 

The scene
England football team Have to Win their game against Croatia to qualify for the Euro 2008 Championships.

TRIBUTES are being paid to Scotland this morning after the entire country laughed itself to death.

The alarm was first raised at around 10pm last night as thousands of phone calls and text messages went unanswered.

Small groups of volunteers from Berwick-Upon-Tweed and Carlisle ventured north just after midnight only to find houses full of dead people gathered around still blaring television sets.

By dawn, as RAF helicopters flew over deserted city streets, it was clear that the whole country had suffered a catastrophic abdominal rupture.
Wayne Hayes, a special constable from Northumberland, said: "We went into one house in Dunbar and found three men sitting on the sofa with huge smiles on their faces, still holding cans of 70 shilling. They seemed to be at peace."

He added: "In a house near Edinburgh we found a man face down on the living room floor with his trousers and pants round his knees.

"It seems he may have been showing his bare buttocks to the television when he keeled over."

Roy Hobbs, a civil engineer from Northampton, said: "I got a call from my friend Ian in Stirling at about 9.50pm.
"He was already laughing when I answered the phone, but after about 25 minutes of the most vigorous and uncontrollable hilarity, everything suddenly went very quiet."

Moving tributes are already being placed along the Scotland-England border with many mourners opting to leave a simple bag of chips or a deep fried bunch of flowers.


I just died laughing too roflmao

 

Can't let it end at 2485 posts. "Laughter is the best medicine" (readers digest)



A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

 

An other one to keep you groaning



A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

:cool

 

Anybody here from Minnesota? Don't be offended it's not personal.

Only 1/2 a head :confused




There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

 

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."


Really none were hurt in making this joke

 

Remember we will all be old someday:yum



An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

 

This happened to me 2 weeks ago,




A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

 

Don't ya just love unions!:cool




Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."

 

Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables

Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.

Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. How can you tell a blonde has used your computer?
A. There is white out on the screen.

Q. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them.

rolleyesrolleyesrolleyesrolleyesrolleyes

There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center. The redhead says to the flight technician "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week. The blonde says "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says "Well then I'll go at night."



A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.

:hammer:hammer:hammer:hammer

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static." "Sorry about, that," replied the store clerk. "We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"

:yum:yum:yum:yum:yum

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Finally, a smart blonde.

 

Watch them Canadian streetseek:eek


As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

 

Everybody should love a lawyer.First consultation free

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
*
Please don't hit me - my lawyer's in jail.
*
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
*
Justice: A decision in your favor.
*
Lawyer says client is not that guilty.
*
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
*
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
*
Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.
*
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
*
On a bill from lawyer, typed by his secretary: Bull rendered: $500.
*
Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back.
*
Judge Not Convinced Murder Victim is Still Alive
*


Lawyers need a laugh too. Helps releave stress

 

Life is such that I'll probably hear about it from someone real soon.:zzz


"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

 

Being as I'm in my own little world here and everyone knowes me,I find my post will be ignored as usually and will continue to put some up as long as I don't offend or hurt any feelings. I'm a little lax in my post count area anyway.
Is this the spot where I put in my thoughts about the upcomming holiday season? I hope so cause I'm gonna. I say bah humbug to anyone that asks but the truth is I enjoy the holiday as much as the next person. I don't receive the same joy out of it as I put in it but I overlook some of that. I try to give each person what they would like to have bestowed on themselves and don't ask for anything in return except kindness and forgiveness( if the gift dont produce excitement).

At this point I would like to extend my appoligies to some of the people I feel I may have offended while posting.

Lady Legalsuit, I do respect your right to privacy and do understand your reasons. Being in the publics eye so as to speak. I will not make any excuses for myself or my bad behavior. Please accept my appoligies.You are still a lady to me. I wish you all the luck you deserve and more in future activities.



Darlene1029, It was not your jumping to conclusions that caused me to withdraw. It was my lack of control in the obvious nature of the intentions that caused the problem. I did not carefully look at the whole picture and see the hidden message that was being presented. I'm sorry if my actions caused any stress or sorrow to you. Please accept my appologies.Always remember
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omIrLgQO9O0

---------****

Kestrel, You are beautiful and I can easily fall for you but my heart goes to the grave with me when I leave this humble surrounding I call home. When I read your postings I hear the sound of your voice in my head and it is the most beautiful sound on earth. I imagin a red haired irish sounding girl speaking out loud about life and love and how "up I shot 6 inches into mid air...with a scream to give an aspirin a headache".The accent is there when I read the posts you put up.You have a way with words I only wish I could express as well. I still say Doc is the luckyest guy to have you by his side careing and shareing his life and he yours too. I didn't forget you too
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94yhv3_xUAY

Seems like I've been at this board (or bored) forever typing so I will call it quits for now. Who knows when I'll be back if................
:zzz

 

Stumbled on this post as I don't normally check out Jokes thread.

Matey, personally I've never taken offence to anything you've ever posted. (In any case, given what I do and type of people I deal with in the real world, I can be pretty thick skinned and give as hard as I get when required...As an aside, you're spot on re my privacy reasons given my line, so I thank you for your understanding.)

I've enjoyed your posts which are always interesting and fun while having a way of pulling people out of this virtual world called the internet by personalising the forum...the "Post a young picture of yourself" is a classic example. Something that the participants obviously enjoyed.

I wish you every joy this holiday season has to offer and every blessings to continue being just you with that wonderful attitude of beating the odds as much as possible.

*By the way...perhaps you should have considered posting this in the Lounge area.*

Cheers and good health

LS

 

I'm sorry you feel your being ignored, as for me I always get upset when people put down others (some excerpts from the restaurant bill board), I've made a fuss over jokes by other people posted here. Don't take it personal. In fact I just sent an email to a relative in anger, always sending hate mail. So please come back

 

Holy crap. That would have been extremely painful!

 

OMG MK!:eek The Mythbusters tried to do that 'banana peel' thing on a show, there might be a segment in store with that situation!

 

A farmer's rooster dies and his egg production goes way down.
So he sees an ad in Farmer's almanac for a "super" rooster.
He calls the 800 number and asks, what makes this bird super?
The salesman tells him, well mister, lets just say this rooster is very motivated."
So the farmer tells them to send it.
As soon as the box is opened the rooster is off like a shot and sexes all the chickens then sexes them again.
Then he is off to the turkey pen and does all of them.
After that he visits the goats horses and pigs.
He had his way with every animal on the farm and the last the farmer saw of him he was chasing the neighbor's dog down the road.
The next day the rooster is back in the yard.
But it is layed out stiff with his feet straight up in the air and there are buzzards circling.
So the farmer goes to the shed and gets a shovel to bury it.
As he approaches the rooster opens one eye and says be quiet and go back in the house, I almost have those buzzards conned into coming down.

 

Diary of a Snow Shoveler...

December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my *** on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white rubbish fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to ****. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a dork who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry ******* Christmas! 20 more inches of the god damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think shes a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wondeful Life" one mor time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me 1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE dork is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ***. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

 

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

 

Subject: How the tradition began:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not
produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of
them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and
were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards
cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were
scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and
a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves
had
drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of
little
glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and
found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the
door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't
this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where do you want
me
to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree.

 

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his
girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.
>
It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,
>
"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."**

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
>
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita
>
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
>
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
>
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
>
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,** **Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a
Merry Christmas,
and a Happy New Year."
>
> MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

 

happy holidays all

A middle aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'.

Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!"

And doing so draws an even more HUGE crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!

 

Bartenders Mistake
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks, "What'll it be?" The guy responds, "Double Scotch." The bartender gives him a double scotch and the guy swallows it in one gulp and then proceeds to look into his shirt pocket.

The guy looks back up and says, with a look of pure discussed, "Another double please!" The bartender pours another for the man.

Once again the man swallows it in one gulp and proceeds to look into his shirt pocket. and once agian he looks back up and says, with a look of pure discussed, "Another double please!" The bartender pours another for the man.

By the fifth round with the exact same reaction from the man each time the bartender finaly asks, "Hey buddy, I will fill you shot glass all night long, but you have to to me, What is in your pocket?"

The guy looks up at the bartender and politely says, "It's a picture of my wife. I am just waiting for her to look pretty so I can go home.

 

LOL
Nice one Kestrel13 LOL

 

Las Vegas Churches


THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.




THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...!

YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU..?
roflmao

 

roflmao Damn! I knew I shouldn't have checked in here...it still hurts when I laugh...but soooo glad you're back Darlene!

 

<*Groan!!..>

"No more 'Monky' business!...LOL

 

(chuckling) Kestrel, that's great! LOL
Know a lot of people I can pass this one on to. lol



And Darlene!! Chipmonks!! hahahahahaha ... That's too funny!

 

New movie (remake from the 50's) oh showing how ancient I am again, take a peek it looks funny.

http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/18098...-qtv-s.48465358-,4903086-6800-qtv-s.48757811-

 

Re: Jokes BRIEF HISTORY LESSON

A Condensed Version of History

For those that don't know about history...... here is a condensed
version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in
the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get
man to the beer..

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct
subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle no r aluminum
can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting
around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to
the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what
is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to
live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's
and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the
beginning of the Liberal movement

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept
of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but
like their beef well done.. Sushi, tofu, and French food are
standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side
note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than
their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys,
journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are
liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it
wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical
doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines,
and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own
companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals
believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why
most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and
created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.......
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it A Conservative
will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this
history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true
believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.....

--
________________________

"A good friend will bail you out of jail. A true friend will be sitting next to you saying Damn!! That was fun!!"
________________________

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
________________________

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

 

That's sooo funny

 

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had
several
hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it
was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he
bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had
a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was
performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he
was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't
rung at all! John went to investigate.The other roosters were chasing
pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for
cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so
it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the
next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew
County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece
Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards
on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing
them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible!

 

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting

loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water
and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and
that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was
concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where
she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the
spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep

and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic
waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into
his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic

footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control
herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After
years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her
lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened.
"But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got

most of them back in."

 

A policeman came across a pair of drunks one night
After the usual replies of micky mouse etc to the question
what's your name sir?
They asserted they were called Mr Battery and Mr Firework
So the copper charged the one and let the other one off.

 

New Vocabulary Words For 2008

1. BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message '404 Not Found,' meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

 

A new year another time for this joke. still cracks me up. lol

What if World War Two had been an online Real Time Strategy game? The chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this ****** sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the **** up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is ****** weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats ******** u **** im gunna kick ur *****
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little ***** ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge ****** army
Hitler[AoE]: thats ******** u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u *******! WE HAD A ****** TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an ***
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh **** help
Hitler: o man ur ******
paTTon: oh what now *****
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my ****
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun **********
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are ****** gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: **** u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: **** this **** im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: **** now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats ******** u ****** suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumb***
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all ****
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o ****
*paTTon has left the game.*

 

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family.

His wife watches TV all day and his three teenage kids have dropped
out of high school to hang around with the local toughs.

He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an
aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be
hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have
your e-mail address so that we can get you in the
loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the
forms and advise you when to start and where to report
on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests tha t he is poor and has
neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the
manager replies, "You must understand that to a
company like ours that means that you virtually do not
exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly
expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and
having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers'
market and sees a stand selling 25lb crates of
beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to
a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than
2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100%
profit. Repeating the process several times more that
day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that
night wi th several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato
business the next day. By the end of the week he is
getting up early every day and working into the night.
He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second
week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of
tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells
the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two
sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him
with the tomato business. His wife is buying the
tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at
the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the s econd year he has a dozen very nice
used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed
people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work
hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he
owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse, which his
wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys
manage.

The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of
homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter
reports that the business grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life
insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he
picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances.

Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in
order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess
with a computer and has no e-mail address, the
insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have
e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you
would be today if you'd had all of that five years
ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years
ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making
$5.15 an hour." Which brings us to the moral:

> > > Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably
> > > closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
> > >
> > > Sadly, I received it also.

 

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and
at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now
need to enter a password, something he could remember easily and will
use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he
would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it
plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....


P..
E..
N..
I..
S..


His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer
replied:


**PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

 

BANNED FROM K-MART



roflmao

 

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
every one knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a
new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and hang
out with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our
daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like me and
hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?
Clueless

Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him any more!
You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of
the United States. Act like one!

Abby

 

A very good one! Great, thanks!

 

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


Scroll down...You'll love this ...



















"You got Male!"

 

roflmao I had tears!!

This is what I've been telling my partner for the last 17 years.

 

A Good Catholic

As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.


Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags; my heart was touched by this person's condition.



Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago Parochial School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!"




So I did..........






I Won't be in Church this week!!

 

Hillary Clinton's new dog

 

Christmas past

A Young man called Bill wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.
He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note,
not too romantic and not too personal.


Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves.
His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.


Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Roger got the knickers.
Good old Roger sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the Following
letter:


Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.
If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons,
but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade,
but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all...
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean.
In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them...
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no Doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love


Roger...
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

 

Dear IRS