Jokes

Thanks so much, it's cool and I can use it, nice and simple. I usually take them out one at a time, got lazy, sorry. Thanks again

 

View attachment 40420

 

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game, (whose head gear partially blocked the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think i'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 5o nuns living there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice said, "why don't you go to hell ... There aren't any nuns there."

 

You guys are coming up with some great ones, but I can't let you hog ALL the glory!!!!

The Engineer

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer... you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of discomfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there. Send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU gonna get a lawyer?"

 

The Blonde By the Side of the Road

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.

And she said...







(This is good..)







(Ready?)







(Remember, she's a blonde...)







"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

 

Fourteen things to do at Wal-Mart while your other half is taking his or her sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at 5 minute
intervals.

3. Make a trail of dried dates on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
'Code 3 in house wares', ... and see what happens!

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers
you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why
can't you people just leave me alone?

9. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme
from 'Mission Impossible'.

11. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different
size funnels.

12. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK
ME! PICK ME!!!!!!'

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal
position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again'.

............and last but not least,

14. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly ... 'Hey! We're out
of toilet paper in here!'

 

<blush>
I did have some second thoughts about posting that one, but I do like the number one. lol
abri

 

WOMEN:

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing
that knowledge is power; but they still know how to use their softer
side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their
friends and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong
when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic
evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and
shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive,
fly, walk, run, or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world go round! Women do more
than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion
and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends; and
all they want back is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same to
people you come in contact with.


MEN:

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and fixing shit.

 

Didn't know the picture was coming up, nothing to do with the other.
These are Tennessee Hunting Dogs

 

like Einstein, i am fifty years ahead of my time...

unfortunately my time is 1945...

////////////////////////

a scientist learns how to hear the thoughts of mice with a device, which he places on the most intelligent mouse in the lab...he sets the mouse free...but the neighborhood is filled with cats...the mouse goes into the forest and hides in a hole in the ground for several days...so the scientist only hears: 'i'm hungry, i'm hungry'

finally the mouse hears a dog barking, the mouse thinks: 'dogs don't eat mice, and they chase away cats, so it must be safe to go out' the mouse goes out of the tunnel, and a cat eats him...

the cat says: 'its always good to speak two different languages'

note: the feline fluency is in Bark and Meow, ancient Egyptian languages

 

since i am an honorary Irishman: [Mediterranean]

an Irishman moves to America, walks into a bar and orders three frosted mugs of beer...he does this every day for a year...finally the bartender asks him why he drinks three...

he says that his two brothers in Ireland promised to have a beer together every day until we die...

the next Tuesday the Irishman only orders two beers...the bartender says,
'so sorry your brother passed...'

'oh no,' the Irishman says, 'he just decided to stop drinking...'

 

Re: Jokes, how to make longer lasting light bulbs

how many evolution scientists does it take to change a light bulb...

none, the bulb changes itself, but it takes ten million years...

 

i was going to stop posting today, but that Alice Cramden cartoon gave me my daily belly laugh so:

there was a man who got stranded on an island in the middle of the ocean for forty years...finally a ship passed by, anchored, and sent a boat to rescue the man...the sailors saw that the man had built three buildings...they asked the man why he built three buildings for only one person...

the man said, the building on the right side is my home, i live in there...and the building on the left side is where i go to church...

the sailors asked, what is the building in the middle?

the man said, that is where i USED TO go to church, before i changed my religion...

/////////////////////////////

a very rich man decided to take his money with him when he died...
he lived a good life so he knew he would go to heaven...so he used his fortune to buy gold and had it melted into a block which measured one meter square and ten centimeters thick...since there is no gravity in heaven, when the man got to heaven's gate, he was carrying his gold block...

the gatekeeper saw the man and said, Sir why are you carrying a slab of concrete blocks, are you repairing our sidewalks...
///////////////////////////////////

an italian man came to America in 1900...in 1984, he was interviewed by the Italian American Society...they asked him why he came to America...and what he found there...

the man said, in Italy, they told me that in America, the streets were paved with gold...in America i found out three things...

1. the streets were NOT paved with gold...
2. the streets were NOT EVEN PAVED...
3. I HAD TO PAVE THEM...

 

Re: Jokes, the funniest joke in the whole world...

JEEZ, i hope this joke doesn't KILL this thread
//////////////////////
i am pretty sure this joke was voted the funniest in the world becuz
it translates easily into many languages and its meaning is obvious;

two men are out hunting and one falls and shoots himself in the head;

the other man phones 911 emergency and says, 'my friend just fell and shot himself, i think he is dead'

the 911 person says 'first make sure he is dead'

the 911 person hears a gunshot...

the man comes back on the phone and says:

'ok he is dead, now what?'
////////////////////////////////////////////

it is all in the mind...

researchers have shown that as many as half the people will think such a joke is very offensive cuz they cannot see that the whole thingy is a fantasy in the mind...

here is a joke they used to prove the theory:

what is black and white, red all over, and can't turn around in a doorway?

a nun with a javelin through her head...

half the test audience laughed and half was very offended, apparently because the ridiculous scene seems real to the offended audience...

the formula discovered was:

1. a normal everyday boring real version of the scene...

2. a ridiculous impossible version of the scene...

3. both scenes held in the mind of the audience at the same time...

as many as half of all humans cannot get the picture in item two...it is unclear though if the same people always miss the point, or if it is a temporary state of mind which changes within one person...

some people seem to have no sense of humor or humour...then there is me...everything is an illusion from my point of view, so everything is ironic, thus everything is humor, or humour...

 

what about people who did NOT give their opinions

My cousin Pete Dee was a professional trombone player; His hobby was working for a living. He could sell advertising specialties to an advertising specialty company. Pete always said: "There are givers, and there are takers." Pete usually added that his Mother Beatrice was a giver. I, however, am a taker. I took a very well-respected public opinion poll door to door for several years, rhymes with what horses do when crossing the finish line.

Coincidently, my career crossed the finish line. Here are some reasons:

Actual responses from people who did NOT answer a door to door public opinion poll.

Number ten: 'I'm really not interested.'
Number nine: 'What's a public opinion poll?'
Number eight: 'Any time is good, but not now, can you come back next Tuesday?'
Number seven: 'Is that a bomb in your briefcase?'
Number six: 'Sorry but I have to attend my... [ NA, AA, CA or other Anonymous Group ]
Number five: 'No speekee English.' also: 'No speekaa English.'
Number four: Non-verbal: person tosses cookies [throws up] on the welcome mat.
Number three: Posted: NO TRESPASSING; NO SOLICITING; BEWARE OF THE DOG.
Number two: 'I don't like your looks, and you just set off my immediate response home protection alarm system.' A small unmarked white van with mirror windows begins to follow me down the street, and everyone's phone starts ringing in a non-stop RING RING RING RING RING.

Number one: The MOST important reason why people did NOT answer a door to door public opinion poll:

'Sure, I'll do it, come on in!'

Potential poll taker [that's me] dies of: 'Complexification: The Science of Surprise' or is that Surprize? Anyway that really is a new book, which I am sure you can find at the place that rhymes with the big river in South America?

 

...I think the Osmonds want their dogs back.

 

My favourite joke for a long time,off memory though so here goes

A an aircraft pilot was breaking in his new navigator after the pleasantries the pilot holds up a .357 magnum and displays it proudly

"you know what I use this for?"

"No,whats it for?"

"I use it on navigators who get me lost" and places the gun on the controls

The navigator then reaches down and places a 9mm on the controls

"what do you use that for?" the pilot asks

"I'll know we're lost before you do."

 

oops i should clear up my previous message...

researchers claim NOTHING is actually funny, only ironic...

so when i said everything is humor, i meant everything is ironic, NOT funny...

 

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was
open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days
a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting
to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".

================================================

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain
rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's
nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is
turned...

=================================================

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what
had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don’t think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.

==================================

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much
would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don’t know maths.
Ted: You don’t know my father!

=========================

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

infoseeker

 

This is my short story....
im a really hard working men
when its my free time, this is my side line



and if its night time this is my sideline somewhere in clark


and if i have no money for the bar, this is me


and of course, if no choice

sorry for me, i have to do it for the sake of my ass

but thinking the past, heres the photo of my former officemate and now they are together with me in downtown
Kent, me, Kym, Johven and Jojo


and this is my bestfriend in my place
hes name is JUNIOR


and my NEIGHBOR)

Thats my life (very happy)

By the way this is my table in the office


Thats me when busy

and they are my officemate, they very friendly not selfish


to be continued.....


infoseeker

 

A different kind of weiner sack

 

Ouch harsh one Rikky LOL, felt the old sphinter muscle tighten on that one

 

Question: How can you tell if there is an elephant in your refigerator?





















Answer: There will be a huge, gray elephant butt sticking out of it!!!!

Sorry - I was told this by my young nephew, and I thought it warranted a chuckle or two.

 

An Irishman, quit drinking, now thats funny

 

Flossing-

 

THESE ARE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS!



FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful
little dog. Bites



FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky
neighbor's dog.



FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog



FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.



FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ..
been out a while..better be a reward.



COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.



NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby



GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.



JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and
dryer $300

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.


(AND THE BEST ONE)



FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia
Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best
offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

 

Mowhair Tattoo

 

The Fly Story

 

@ darlene1029...

please send a floral arrangement to http://www.plastination.com when i die...

i will be the dead guy on display without a heart [donated] just put a tulip in my chest cavity, and a note that says my heart is with Hehaka Sapa...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Elk

or if they get me first, send one billion dandelions, single stem, one for each test tube which my entire body will be distributed into for the love of science:

http://www.anatomicgift.com/

being Mediterranean Irish, and needing to die a non toxic death, i only drink non alcoholic St Regis Red wine...

my beer drinking friends are mostly German, my long lost Irish friends would be proud that their elbow bending gave you a chuckle...

oh yeah the joke thread:

did you hear about the hypochondriac? he took a placebo and got better!

 

did you here about the homeopathic doctor?

he refused to take his own medicine and died of an overdose

 

No offense intended, Irish myself, firm believer in laughing at ones-self.

 

GETTING MARRIED IN HEAVEN !!!


On their way to get married a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple finds themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.


While waiting they begin to wonder - could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up they asked him.


St. Peter says "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves.


The couple sat and waited for an answer. Two months pass and they are still waiting. So as they waited they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work ?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"


After yet another month St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs them "you can get married in Heaven."


"Great" said the couple. "But we were just wondering... what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"


St. Peter, red faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asks the frightened couple.


"OH COME ON" St. Peter shouts. "It took me three months to find a priest up here!!! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

 

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.

 

The Shoe
One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"

 

LoL! I saw that one coming!

"The Shoe" ~ Kodo, are you listening?...ROFL! (Long-time joke around here, )

 

I feel that I'm missing something

 

Yeah...I'm thinking Phantom must be refering to an ongoing, inside joke.

Care to elaborate, Phantom??

Roger

 

Well Kodo (one of our Mods.) used to be also known as 'The Shoe', and for good reason.

There used to be a Kodo-tradition here, where every now and then, he'd post his "Kodoism for the Week", (A.K.A. How to get the 'sleep on the sofa' treatment from the wife, A.K.A. "What wise crack can I make at her expense, but ultimately mine?, A.K.A. How to put foot, and hence shoe in mouth).

Anyway, got to the point where his self-imposed Title was "The Shoe". (Before the "Eight Ball" thing).

So a post called 'The Shoe', and guys having problems with shoes and women at the same time kinda reminded me of his old escapades. Do a search with ‘Kodoism’ as the keyword and you’ll know what I’m on about. (If ya that interested, LoL!)

That was my convoluted, and some would say, antiquated humour, anyway.

 

There was a recent one at the begining of july

http://forums.majorgeeks.com/showthread.php?t=96257

I remember at the time I had only just joined and it didn't make much sense lol

 

Yep, Matt's on the ball.

 

I feel better now, hate being a mushroom

 

Bless You

 

Sharks

 

Sorry that didn't work at all

 

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER or now
1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen aSleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

 

@ Darlene1029

http://www.ahajokes.com/crt127.html

THE SHARK SAID 'DON'T EAT THAT LITTLE YELLOW THING [SCUBA breathing tank] ON ITS BACK, IT WILL GIVE YOU GAS'

 

the shark cartoon is a copyright of 'Bestie'

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0711710465/