Got A Good And Funny Joke? Lets Laugh ...

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by melen1717, Mar 15, 2016.

  1. legalsuit

    legalsuit Legal Eagle

    Australian humour...not sure if you've heard this one before:

    Sheila walks into the kitchen and finds Bruce prowling around with a fly swatter, curious she asks: "What are you doing?"
    "Hunting Flies" He responded.
    "Killed any?" She asked.
    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
    Intrigued, Sheila asks "How can you tell them apart?"
    Bruce replies, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


    Bit of humour over the ages...courtesy of historyhustle.com:

    After invading Greece, Philip II of Macedonia sent a threatening message to the Spartans:

    "You are advised to submit without delay, for if I bring my army on your land, I will destroy your farms, slay your people and raze your city."
    The Spartans replied with one word: "If."

    The hostess apologized to the Duke of Wellington, the hero of Waterloo, for the rude behaviour of French officers who had turned their backs on him when he entered the party.
    His reply?
    "I have seen their backs before."


    Prior to World War I, German emperor Wilhelm II bragged to Dutch queen Wilhelmina that his guardsmen were seven feet tall.
    The queen, reading the threat between the lines, answered,
    "But when we open our dykes, the waters are 10 feet deep."

    Pet humour:
    A woman called an airline service desk inquiring if she could take her dog on board. She was told:
    “Sure, as long as you provide your own kennel large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over."
    Dismayed the woman responded:
    "I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
     
  2. legalsuit

    legalsuit Legal Eagle

    American Republican Senator Mitch McConnell Notable Quote August 2017:

    “People ask -

    ‘What’s it like being a majority leader of the Senate?’

    I tell ‘em, it’s a little bit like being a grounds keeper of a cemetery – everybody is under you but nobody is listening!”
     
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  3. legalsuit

    legalsuit Legal Eagle

    As an adolescent, I was into saunas as a great way to relax and socialise with “combatants” after a hard game of squash at a club near home.

    Around that time, I had a friend who demonstrated beauty products she promoted to party groups. Seeing how stressed she was with failing sales, my squash partner and I suggested she join us to de-stress the next time in a sauna.

    Never having had the sauna experience, she immediately accepted, proclaiming that with a “captive audience” it would be a great opportunity to demonstrate her products. My squash mate and I exchanged awkward glances. I really felt for her as I explained, "We relax in our birthday suits, sitting on towels”.

    We then exploded into laughter at the thought of her standing nude in front of the group, trying to demonstrate beauty products as they melted in the heat.:p:D
     
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  4. Eldon

    Eldon Major Geek Extraordinaire

    I'm guesstimating this did not happen... :rolleyes:
     
  5. legalsuit

    legalsuit Legal Eagle

    True story. upload_2017-8-23_7-50-44.jpeg

    Long time ago when it occurred (I was 18 yrs) and our club (at the time when I lived on the Eastern beaches) was one of the first places in Sydney to accommodate a sauna...something people heard of but not all experienced or fully understood. My friend being one of them.

    She's never lived down that story which shes still takes in good humour. By the way, it was a female group.
     
    Tater likes this.
  6. Eldon

    Eldon Major Geek Extraordinaire

    Well that backfired on me... :oops:
     
  7. legalsuit

    legalsuit Legal Eagle

    Ooooooh! upload_2017-8-23_12-7-47.jpeg

    Soooo…you thought…?...the group was…....?...I am...? upload_2017-8-23_12-16-44.png

    Just to be clear, there were different days allocated for sauna use by males and females.
    [​IMG]

    Nowadays due to Health Regulations, a towel must be used for seat coverage and bathers are expected to be worn by sauna users.
     
  8. Eldon

    Eldon Major Geek Extraordinaire

    Just when I thought I could save some money... :eek:
    Heart Surgeon.jpg
     
  9. Eldon

    Eldon Major Geek Extraordinaire

  10. legalsuit

    legalsuit Legal Eagle

    TV Bloopers from our local News team...

     
  11. Gensuknives

    Gensuknives Grand pooty-meister

    My dad's favorite was:
    Algy saw a bear.
    The Bear saw Algy.
    The Bear was bulgy.
    The bulge was Algy.
     
  12. Eldon

    Eldon Major Geek Extraordinaire

    Just got this from Facebook...

    On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of the South Pacific, the following people are stranded:
    Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
    Two French men and one French woman.
    Two German men and one German woman.
    Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
    Two British men and one British woman
    Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
    Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
    Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
    Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
    Two American men and one American woman
    One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
    * One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
    * The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a' trois.
    * The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
    * The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
    * The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
    * The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
    * The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
    * The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.
    * The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the British are not having any fun.
    * The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
     
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  13. harmless

    harmless Staff Sergeant

    some jokes for us old folks :)
    ++++++

    LOST IN THE DARNEDEST PLACES:
    An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
    The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
    A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

    FAMILY:
    Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
    The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down? "
    The 92- year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

    I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!
    Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
    One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
    "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
    And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

    OLD FRIENDS:
    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
    Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes, she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
     
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  14. harmless

    harmless Staff Sergeant

    wow, i did not realize that this thread had gotten old(ish)
    the deathly close encounters thread got me wondering if tasteful jokes existed.

    ++++++++++++++

    Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... but… smoking bacon will cure it.

    About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

    I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

    I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age,
    but then I think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

    Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

    What was the name of that Asian pilot who died in a plane crash? Sum Ting Wong.

    Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

    A man drowned. All his mates showed up at his funeral with life jackets on… because it's what he would have wanted.

    Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

    The seven ages of man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills.

    It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

    A Roman fighter consumed his wife. He said he was glad 'e ate 'er...

    What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.

    What do you call a dead Magician? an ABRACADAVA.

    What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common? They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

    5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

    My life is an open book. However, it's very poorly written and I die in the end.

    Why name hurricanes with silly names, like Sandy? Use names, like
    Hurricane Death Megatron 3000, to guarantee that people will evacuate, like they need to.

    I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel, but it takes up way too much space in my freezer.

    A short summary of every Jewish Holiday: "They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."
     
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  15. plodr

    plodr Major Geek Super Extraordinaire

    A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said....
    "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
    "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
    "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.."
    "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
    The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
    The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
    "What about that eye patch?"
    "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
    "You're kidding," said the bartender. "Can you lose an eye just from bird poop?"
    "It was my first day with the hook."
     
  16. oma

    oma MajorGeek

    Very old video but what's old is new again, funny!
     
  17. harmless

    harmless Staff Sergeant

    i don't get around here that much anymore, and i would hate to see this thread die,
    fortunately, my sister recently sent me a ton of emails with jokes... hopefully i am not repeating stuff :)

    ++++++++

    if mary had baby jesus and
    baby jesus was the lamb of god…
    did mary have a little lamb?
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    a guy is taking his girlfriend to the prom.
    he waits in the ticket line for a really long time, but gets them.
    he goes to rent a limo. the rental line is really long but he eventually does it.
    he goes to buy her flowers. the line at the florist is really long, but he eventually gets the flowers.
    off he goes to rent his tuxedo, again, really long line, but he gets his tux rented.
    at the prom, she asks him to go get some punch.
    he goes to the refreshment table and there is no punchline.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    what did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
    -> supplies!
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    today, i noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and i laughed at the irony.
    then, i laughed again because of the word "irony"
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    -have you heard of murphy's law?
    -yeah
    -what is it?
    -if something can go wrong, it will go wrong.
    -correct. but, have you heard of cole's law?
    -no, what is it?
    -thinly sliced cabbage.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    doctor:
    [ handing over a new born baby ]
    "i'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it "
    husband:
    [ handing the baby back to him ]
    "ok, so bring me the one that my wife made."
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    i began reading a horror novel written in braille.
    something bad is about to happen, i can feel it.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    i got a new pair of gloves today,
    but they are both left handed,
    which on one hand is great,
    but on the other, it's just not right.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    girlfriend: i'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. we should split up!
    boyfriend: wow! good idea! we can cover more ground that way.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    i was going to make myself a belt made out of watches,
    but then i realized that it would be a waist of time.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    wife: your boss called to say you're fired, so i went out and bought your favorite soy sauce.
    husband: oh, great, i see, kikkoman when he's down.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    policeman: what's your name?
    guy: the wizard of oz.
    policeman: your FULL name!
    guy: (quietly) the wizard of ounces.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    doc: i'm going to deliver your baby.
    couple: actually, we'd like him to keep his liver.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    overheard during an education reform committee meeting…
    -they should put "A" & "U" next to each other in the alphabet.
    -wow! that's gold!!
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    her: holy cow! you spent our entire life savings on dogs!!
    him: they're golden retrievers, babe, they retrieve gold! i did it for us.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    yesterday i accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
    the doctor says i'm ok, but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    a friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns,
    but i soon realized that toucan play at that game.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    i'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
    it's impossible to put down.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    i could tell you a chemistry joke,
    but i know i wouldn't get a reaction.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    i wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant,
    but then i changed my mind.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    my friend keeps saying: "dude, cheer up, it could be worse, you could be stuck in a hole full of water."
    i know he means well.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    not all math puns are terrible.
    just sum.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    why is peter pan always flying?
    because he neverlands.
    i like this joke because it never grows old.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    [please enter a password]
    ilovedogs
    [password must contain at least one capital]
    iloveparisdogs
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    somebody complimented me on my driving today.
    they left a little note on the windshield.
    it said 'parking fine', that was so nice of them.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    why should you never trust palindromes?
    they always go back on their word.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    yesterday, i saw an ad that said:
    "radio for sale - $1 - volume stuck on full"
    and i thought to myself, i can't turn that down.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    i just heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are together now.
    and i was like… OMg
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    there was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
    it was quite an oar deal.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    i bought a thesaurus, and when i got home, all the pages were blank.
    i have no words to describe how angry i am.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    how does moses make his tea?
    hebrews it.
    i'm serious, that israeli how he does it.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    i think i want a job cleaning mirrors.
    it's just something i can see myself doing.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    i found a rock, yesterday, which measured 1760 yards in length.
    must be some kind of milestone.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    i tried to catch some fog.
    i mist.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    one fifth of people are just too tense.
    [sigh, yeah, it took me a while to get it]
    1/5 ----------------------------------2/10
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
     
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  18. Glen62

    Glen62 Private E-2

    Did you hear about the man who OD'ed on viagra? The poor undertaker couldn't close the lid on his casket!
     
  19. Eldon

    Eldon Major Geek Extraordinaire

    Is this him? :rolleyes:

    Funny-viagra-meme.jpg
     
  20. harmless

    harmless Staff Sergeant

    PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

    On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree, just inside the cemetery fence.

    One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of pecans, and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you - one for me - One for you - one for me'. During this, a couple of nuts dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

    Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

    He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

    'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! The Devil and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

    The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

    Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

    The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin ' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'

    Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were sill unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

    At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those two nuts by the fence and we'll be done.

    They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
     
  21. harmless

    harmless Staff Sergeant

    A chicken coup only has two doors.
    If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

    A cow-herder counted 48 cows on his property.
    But when he rounded them up, he had 50.

    I wasn’t going to visit my family this December,
    but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.
    So I’m going home for the hollandaise.

    I was on a flight the other day
    when the air hostess came up to me and said,
    "Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?"
    I said, "What are the options?"
    She said, "Yes and No."

    My favorite color is purple.
    I like it more than blue and red combined.

    Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
    they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

    The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

    Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
     
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  22. harmless

    harmless Staff Sergeant

    Scientists have found the gene for shyness.
    They actually would have found it years ago,
    but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.

    ++++++++

    A Dog Walks into a Bar...
    and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”
    The bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?”
    The dog replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

    +++++++

    The time has come for St. Peter’s annual three-week vacation, and Jesus volunteers to fill in for him at the pearly gates.

    “It’s no big deal,” St. Peter explains. “Sit at the registration desk and ask each person a little about his or her life. Then send them on to housekeeping to pick up their wings.”

    On the third day, Jesus looks up to see a bewildered old man standing in front of him.
    “I’m a simple carpenter,” says the man. “And once I had a son. He was born in a very special way, and was unlike anyone in the world. He went through a great transformation even though he had holes in his hands and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever. All over the world people tell his story.”

    By this time, Jesus is standing with his arms outstretched. There are tears in his eyes, and he embraces the old man.

    “Father,” he cries out. “It’s been so long!”

    The old man squints, stares for a moment, and says, “Pinocchio?”
     
  23. the mekanic

    the mekanic Major Mekanical Geek

    Three guys stay over at a farm...

    ;)
     
  24. harmless

    harmless Staff Sergeant

    oops, sorry, did not realize i repeated the pinocchio story. mea culpa :)

    here's a nice story :)
    +

    An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

    He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

    An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

    The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

    Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

    The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
    'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
    Can I come with him tomorrow?'
     
  25. joffa

    joffa Major Geek's Official Birthday Announcer

    Was sent this by a friend....enjoy

    [​IMG]
     
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  26. Eldon

    Eldon Major Geek Extraordinaire

    "Where is Hillary's clock?"
    "Her clock is used on Satan's hovercraft."
     
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  27. harmless

    harmless Staff Sergeant

    .
    Dear Tech Support,

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
    In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby , Football, Sailing, and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

    What can I do?
    Signed, Desperate

    =<->=

    Dear Desperate,

    First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System.
    Please enter the command: 'http : / / I Thought You Loved Me . html' and try to download Tears.
    Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewelry and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

    Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

    In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

    Good Luck,
    Tech Support
     
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  28. Kryptonite

    Kryptonite Private E-2


    I hear tell that Lingerie can be FOOD too if served with a Nice "Key-yon-ta" [ Chianti ] as Dr. Lecters pronounced it

    and thank you for helping me see what a " package " is

    I learn so much here and that's no joke 2B sure <VBG>
     
  29. Bob D.

    Bob D. Majorgeeks official old fart


    Giant Mongolian Skunk Spiders


    There has been a huge outbreak.

    Be careful where you walk.

    Make no sudden moves
     
  30. the mekanic

    the mekanic Major Mekanical Geek

    You can unscrew a lightbulb...

    ;)
     
  31. joffa

    joffa Major Geek's Official Birthday Announcer

    A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
     
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  32. joffa

    joffa Major Geek's Official Birthday Announcer

    ....and a few more from my mate
    I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"

    and

    I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

    and

    A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners
    The lady says, "Thanks, come again!"
    The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
     
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  33. El Tel

    El Tel Private E-2

    My Gran Came Round

    My Gran came round to visit and ask if I've got a newspaper. I Said "Gran we don't have them these days." So I gave her my Android IPad to read the News. A few minuets later and then there was an almighty crash bang thud. I ran into the lounge to see what all the commotion was for. And DAM ... I tell U, that dam Spider didn't know what hit him ...
     
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  34. Gensuknives

    Gensuknives Grand pooty-meister

    SENIOR SEX
    The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
    Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

    OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

    "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
    A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

    The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

    So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

    Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
     
    baklogic, El Tel, harmless and 2 others like this.
  35. Spad

    Spad MajorGeek

    There are two kinds of people:

    1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data
     
    baklogic and Imandy Mann like this.
  36. joffa

    joffa Major Geek's Official Birthday Announcer

    Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section. 'How much is this gold tinsel garland'.

    The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, 'This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre'.

    'Wow, that's great', said Jennifer, 'I'll take 12 metres'.

    With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.

    She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, 'My Grandpa will settle the bill.'
     
    Gensuknives and baklogic like this.
  37. joffa

    joffa Major Geek's Official Birthday Announcer

    A man was questioned by police on suspicion of theft and when searched was found to be carrying 100 packs of lithium batteries. He was arrested and is in a cell waiting to be charged...............
     
    Tater likes this.
  38. joffa

    joffa Major Geek's Official Birthday Announcer

    A trucker's wife sees three parrots for sale. They cost $170, $150, and $10. She asks the pet store clerk, "why is the last one so cheap?"

    The clerk says, "Oh, that parrot used to live in a brothel, so it's got a dirty mouth." The wife laughs, and says, "Oh don't worry, I've heard it all before!" and buys it anyway.

    When she brings it home, the parrot says, "Awk! New brothel! New brothel! Awk," and the wife just laughs.

    When her two daughters come home from college, the parrot says, "Awk! New hookers! New hookers! Awwk," and they all laugh.

    When her husband comes home, the parrot says, "Awk! You found the new place Jim! Awk!"

    And that was when the argument started............
     
    Eldon likes this.
  39. joffa

    joffa Major Geek's Official Birthday Announcer

    A wife has a special treat for her husband on his birthday....she surprises him and takes him out to a strip club.
    At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Bill, how are you?"
    The wife asks, "How does he know you?"
    Bill says, "Oh, I play football with him."
    Inside the Bartender Says, "The usual, Bill?"
    Bill says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team and he knows what I usually drink."
    Next a very attractive stripper says, "Hi Bill! Do you want the special again or do you want to try something different?"
    The Wife storms out dragging Bill with her and they jump into a taxi to go back home.
    The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Billy boy, usual motel! Gee, you picked out an ugly one this time..."

    Bill's Funeral is on Monday!!!
     
    Eldon likes this.
  40. gman863

    gman863 MajorGeek

    Three engaged couples are attending a premarital counseling session at a very conservative church.

    The minister, knowing their pasts, sternly states, “I know you have sinned by engaging in premarital sex. In order to be married in this church, you must first abstain from any such behavior for the next 30 days.”

    The couples groan, but the minister stands firm. All three reluctantly agree to a month of abstinence.

    A month later, the minister calls all three couples back in and asks them if they followed instructions.

    The first couple says, “It was tough at first, but you were right. We love each other more than ever.” The minister smiles and sets their wedding date.

    The second couple looks rather stoic. When asked, they reply, “We almost didn’t make it. We were good though, and we love each other more than ever too.” The minister again smiles and sets their wedding date.

    The third couple is squirming and avoiding eye contact. Although he’s figured it out the minister still asks, “Well, what happened?”

    The groom-to-be mumbles, “It was fine ‘til last Thursday. She dropped a roll of paper towels right after dinner. Seeing her bent over, I just couldn’t resist doing it then and there.”

    The minister’s face turned red as he yelled, “That’s DISGUSTING! Not only am I not marrying you; you are also BANNED from this church!”

    “That’s OK” the bride-to-be says. “They won’t let us back into Walmart either.”
     
    Tater, Eldon and joffa like this.
  41. joffa

    joffa Major Geek's Official Birthday Announcer

    My sexy girlfriend came home early and said "Take off my shirt".
    S0 I took off her shirt and then she said "Take off my skirt".
    So I slipped off her skirt, then she said "Take off my shoes and stockings".
    So I took off her shoes and stockings and then she said "Take off my bra and panties".
    So I took off her bra and panties and then she said "Don't you ever wear my clothes again!"
     
    gman863, Tater, harmless and 2 others like this.
  42. TimW

    TimW MajorGeeks Administrator - Jedi Malware Expert Staff Member

    Yeah....I got one.....



    TRUMP
     
    Bob D. likes this.
  43. Imandy Mann

    Imandy Mann MajorGeekolicious

    Yeah....I got one.....



    Green New Deal
     
    Eldon likes this.
  44. joffa

    joffa Major Geek's Official Birthday Announcer

    The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick and I mistakenly handed her a glue stick.............................she's still not talking to me :)
     
    Eldon, legalsuit, baklogic and 2 others like this.
  45. Imandy Mann

    Imandy Mann MajorGeekolicious

    Saw this today on a beer cooler.

    "Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested.
    - everything you say, can and will be, used against you!"
     
    Eldon likes this.
  46. DON GAYNOR

    DON GAYNOR Sergeant

    Can anyone else relate?
     

    Attached Files:

    Eldon and Imandy Mann like this.
  47. Anon-469e6fb48c

    Anon-469e6fb48c Anonymized

  48. DON GAYNOR

    DON GAYNOR Sergeant

  49. DON GAYNOR

    DON GAYNOR Sergeant

     
  50. DON GAYNOR

    DON GAYNOR Sergeant

    "There are only two things in this world that smells like fish - one of them is fish!"

    - W. C. Fields
     
    Gensuknives, joffa and Eldon like this.

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