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Got A Good And Funny Joke? Lets Laugh ...

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by melen1717, Mar 15, 2016.

  1. legalsuit

    legalsuit Legal Eagle

    Australian humour...not sure if you've heard this one before:

    Sheila walks into the kitchen and finds Bruce prowling around with a fly swatter, curious she asks: "What are you doing?"
    "Hunting Flies" He responded.
    "Killed any?" She asked.
    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
    Intrigued, Sheila asks "How can you tell them apart?"
    Bruce replies, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


    Bit of humour over the ages...courtesy of historyhustle.com:

    After invading Greece, Philip II of Macedonia sent a threatening message to the Spartans:

    "You are advised to submit without delay, for if I bring my army on your land, I will destroy your farms, slay your people and raze your city."
    The Spartans replied with one word: "If."

    The hostess apologized to the Duke of Wellington, the hero of Waterloo, for the rude behaviour of French officers who had turned their backs on him when he entered the party.
    His reply?
    "I have seen their backs before."


    Prior to World War I, German emperor Wilhelm II bragged to Dutch queen Wilhelmina that his guardsmen were seven feet tall.
    The queen, reading the threat between the lines, answered,
    "But when we open our dykes, the waters are 10 feet deep."

    Pet humour:
    A woman called an airline service desk inquiring if she could take her dog on board. She was told:
    “Sure, as long as you provide your own kennel large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over."
    Dismayed the woman responded:
    "I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
     
  2. legalsuit

    legalsuit Legal Eagle

    American Republican Senator Mitch McConnell Notable Quote August 2017:

    “People ask -

    ‘What’s it like being a majority leader of the Senate?’

    I tell ‘em, it’s a little bit like being a grounds keeper of a cemetery – everybody is under you but nobody is listening!”
     
    joffa and Eldon like this.
  3. legalsuit

    legalsuit Legal Eagle

    As an adolescent, I was into saunas as a great way to relax and socialise with “combatants” after a hard game of squash at a club near home.

    Around that time, I had a friend who demonstrated beauty products she promoted to party groups. Seeing how stressed she was with failing sales, my squash partner and I suggested she join us to de-stress the next time in a sauna.

    Never having had the sauna experience, she immediately accepted, proclaiming that with a “captive audience” it would be a great opportunity to demonstrate her products. My squash mate and I exchanged awkward glances. I really felt for her as I explained, "We relax in our birthday suits, sitting on towels”.

    We then exploded into laughter at the thought of her standing nude in front of the group, trying to demonstrate beauty products as they melted in the heat.:p:D
     
    baklogic and Eldon like this.
  4. Eldon

    Eldon Major Geek Extraordinaire

    I'm guesstimating this did not happen... :rolleyes:
     
  5. legalsuit

    legalsuit Legal Eagle

    True story. upload_2017-8-23_7-50-44.jpeg

    Long time ago when it occurred (I was 18 yrs) and our club (at the time when I lived on the Eastern beaches) was one of the first places in Sydney to accommodate a sauna...something people heard of but not all experienced or fully understood. My friend being one of them.

    She's never lived down that story which shes still takes in good humour. By the way, it was a female group.
     
  6. Eldon

    Eldon Major Geek Extraordinaire

    Well that backfired on me... :oops:
     
  7. legalsuit

    legalsuit Legal Eagle

    Ooooooh! upload_2017-8-23_12-7-47.jpeg

    Soooo…you thought…?...the group was…....?...I am...? upload_2017-8-23_12-16-44.png

    Just to be clear, there were different days allocated for sauna use by males and females.
    [​IMG]

    Nowadays due to Health Regulations, a towel must be used for seat coverage and bathers are expected to be worn by sauna users.
     
  8. Eldon

    Eldon Major Geek Extraordinaire

    Just when I thought I could save some money... :eek:
    Heart Surgeon.jpg
     
    harmless, legalsuit and joffa like this.
  9. Eldon

    Eldon Major Geek Extraordinaire

  10. legalsuit

    legalsuit Legal Eagle

    TV Bloopers from our local News team...

     
  11. Gensuknives

    Gensuknives Grand pooty-meister

    My dad's favorite was:
    Algy saw a bear.
    The Bear saw Algy.
    The Bear was bulgy.
    The bulge was Algy.
     
  12. Hulaman63

    Hulaman63 Private E-2

    Why did the cookie go to the doctor?.......................He felt crumby.....
     
  13. Eldon

    Eldon Major Geek Extraordinaire

    Just got this from Facebook...

    On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of the South Pacific, the following people are stranded:
    Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
    Two French men and one French woman.
    Two German men and one German woman.
    Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
    Two British men and one British woman
    Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
    Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
    Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
    Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
    Two American men and one American woman
    One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
    * One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
    * The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a' trois.
    * The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
    * The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
    * The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
    * The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
    * The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
    * The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.
    * The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the British are not having any fun.
    * The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
     
    harmless and Gensuknives like this.
  14. harmless

    harmless Specialist

    some jokes for us old folks :)
    ++++++

    LOST IN THE DARNEDEST PLACES:
    An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
    The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
    A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

    FAMILY:
    Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
    The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down? "
    The 92- year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

    I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!
    Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
    One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
    "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
    And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

    OLD FRIENDS:
    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
    Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes, she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
     
    Imandy Mann and Eldon like this.
  15. harmless

    harmless Specialist

    wow, i did not realize that this thread had gotten old(ish)
    the deathly close encounters thread got me wondering if tasteful jokes existed.

    ++++++++++++++

    Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... but… smoking bacon will cure it.

    About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

    I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

    I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age,
    but then I think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

    Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

    What was the name of that Asian pilot who died in a plane crash? Sum Ting Wong.

    Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

    A man drowned. All his mates showed up at his funeral with life jackets on… because it's what he would have wanted.

    Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

    The seven ages of man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills.

    It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

    A Roman fighter consumed his wife. He said he was glad 'e ate 'er...

    What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.

    What do you call a dead Magician? an ABRACADAVA.

    What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common? They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

    5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

    My life is an open book. However, it's very poorly written and I die in the end.

    Why name hurricanes with silly names, like Sandy? Use names, like
    Hurricane Death Megatron 3000, to guarantee that people will evacuate, like they need to.

    I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel, but it takes up way too much space in my freezer.

    A short summary of every Jewish Holiday: "They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."
     
    Eldon likes this.
  16. plodr

    plodr Major Geek Super Extraordinaire

    A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said....
    "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
    "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
    "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.."
    "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
    The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
    The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
    "What about that eye patch?"
    "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
    "You're kidding," said the bartender. "Can you lose an eye just from bird poop?"
    "It was my first day with the hook."
     
    Imandy Mann and Eldon like this.
  17. oma

    oma MajorGeek

    Very old video but what's old is new again, funny!
     

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