Can anyone help me?

I really like to try and help people but it seems I am losing my zest for life and living.

I am 51 and I have a heart prob and alcohol prob.Yet I still get blind drunk a coupla times a week!!WHY!!!

Been married for 27 years and we are still together and have been through our normal sort of ups and downs,never ever been violent!

Three loverly daughters which have given us two champion grand kids from the oldest two girls.

What I am getting at is I just don't seem to know what to do or where to go even though I love my wife,kids and grandkids.

My wife and I are well off and own everything.House,car etc.

Is it male menopause and have any other posters gone through it?

 

Hey Franklin...sorry to hear you are having a tough time of it.

Have you thought about seeking some general counseling and seeing what options are open to you? I know nothing about your country, but I do know that counseling can help you get your thoughts straight. Also, if you are concerned about the male menopause having an effect on your life, consider going to your doctor and having him check you out. It would set your mind a rest just knowing whether that is a factor or not.

I hope you find some answers and peace real soon *hugs*

 

Thanks Lev.

I just don't know how to handle things anymore.As for counseling I am one of those "don't need anything "type of blokes.

Probably to my own detriment.

Would really like to hear from any other members that may have gone through a similar aspect of their lives.

 

Franklin..I hear ya about the "don't need anything" type of bloke. hung out with bikers for many years

Admitting you need a little bit of guidance in life isn't a weakness, it is a strength and a credit to you. The hardest thing for many to do is admit they have issues that they alone cannot solve. You've already done that...the hardest step, and kudos to you man!

Don't think of it as "counseling"...that scares the pants off any man. Think of it as a friend who has a little bit more experience in these things that you do, and you are just going along for a friendly chat about life, the universe and perhaps even a HOG or two thrown in for good measure All you have to do is go along and talk for an hour...if you hate it, or don't think it will help, don't go again Pick a place some distance from your home....at least you have a good bike ride to look forward to their and back if the session doesn't work out

 

I used to feel the same way about counseling, now I go see the guy twice a month. It is generally a good way to download information and have someone give it back to you. It is kind of like talking things over with yourself, except the counselor is smarter, and trained to see through the B.S.

Has helped me manage anger issues, anxiety issues, and depression. Of course this is supplemented by some medication, but I am a better man because of it. I do not think there is such a thing as feeling normal, but getting to a point where you don't feel bad all the time is definitely good when you have been down for a while.

Talk to anyone who will listen, a friend, your wife, your daughters, anyone you trust, or a complete stranger. You can only make relations between your daughters and wife stronger by confiding in them, and they can probably help you determine why you feel the way you do. A stranger won't remember, but it is off your chest, and a friend will laugh at you and make fun of you, but then help out in some not-so-obvious way.

Last but not least, you can only go so far down before the only way to go is back up.


Take care man.

I always forget to mention that the pink elephants mean that the medication is working TOO well. (Alcohol is a form of self-medicating for some people)

 

You're an alcoholic, Franklin, and if you want to see sixty you better sort that out.

Then see a Doc and find out what kind of excersise/diet programme would be best to sort out the heart problem. Then go on it.

Then get a hobby or something. Men our age, who have brought up good families and still have a working marriage have a lot to be grateful for, but we are never going to achieve all we thought we might thirty or forty years ago. The world isn't big enough.

So suck it up, look after yourself, and enjoy those grandkids.

Edit: I'd never make a counsellor, would I...?

 

Mate if you can kick the drink, not only will your health improve, but your self-esteme might just take a swing for the good. That might be all you need to feel like life is great again. I guess you've stopped loads of times to think of all the crap things that have happened to you, happens to me more often than I will admit, but just try and do one thing a day that you can feel proud of..even if its something like putting the washing out to dry or hoovering the front room.

 

as i approach 50 i am faced with more questions than answers. i do not know what to 'do with my life', and there is history that makes it difficult for me to make plans. i also have some problems that restrict me physically. i no longer feel 'beautiful'. my youngest has turned 13 and is progressively growing away from me. i own nothing, have no security and live halfway across the world from my grandkids.

AM i depressed? NO. its all an adventure. i treasure each day because the same history that makes it hard to make plans, taught me that the value of life is in the day. the physical restrictions i have are nothing in comparison to some, and have made me respect my body a bit more. i eat a little better, rest a little more, and do can no longer pretend that i don't need the help of others. i still drink, just not to the excess i once could. i still smoke the herb, and would suggest you used that to relax with instead of alcohol if it wasn't illegal. i take joy in the richness of my children, in the lack of restrictions they have been privy to, and the confidence it has given them. i provide and will provide a haven for all who reach me. i look forward to the day my grandchildren understand that they too can simply hop on a plane and go anywhere they want. and i put money on Hawaii being their first stop. lol. i trust that god has my best interests at heart, and that my needs will be met.

i think that maybe you have got to a place where you think 'is this all there is?' the answer is of course 'no, it isn't.' i think it was someone called maslow that came up with a hierarchy of needs. first one needs personal safety. ie. if you are being shot at, you don't care if you're hungry. then you need food, water, and shelter. then to love and be loved. then to accomplish skill or knowledge. then to be surrounded by beauty. (after that comes something called 'self-actualization' but i think that might be jargon for death. lol) anyway to get back to the point, you sound as if you are on at least level three or four, so learn a new skill, take up a challenge, or express yourself in art. you will not be able to give up alcohol until you can replace it. just think of the hardest thing you can do, like learn Japanese, and do it. (and do seek professional help, asking us for help is like taking your puter to a shrink to fix - although in the case of my puter that might not be a bad idea lol. it has 'issues') if you want, you can write to me, my email is in my profile. i cant help though, only listen and direct you to those that might.

 

Franklin, "male menopause" is still a hotly debated issue. Some doctors/experts say it's real, other say not. The symptoms of it are basically the same as what has been called "mid-life crisis" for years. The supposed cause is the reduced production of testosterone as we get older. Good article on it here:
http://www.webmd.com/content/article/12/1685_50044.htm
Note the symptoms listed. Some of them sound like what you're talking about. Please note also the other KNOWN causes of those symptoms. At the top of the list is excessive alcohol consumption. Booze can make us happy, make us mellow, make us dead to the world, but it comes with a price; the aftereffects last longer than the high, and it leaves is lower than we started. Frequent boozing can leave us down ALL the time.

The interaction between mind, body, activity, and what we intake is complex and not always apparent, but starting by working on alcohol, diet, and exercise should definitely have a positive effect on your outlook and how you feel about the world. Just eating a banana a day has been proven to improve a person's outlook some, as the serotonin, norepinephrine, and nutrients they have directly effect the brain chemically, and positively.

The very first step is to get off the booze. You do indeed have a problem with it. And you'll likely need help doing that, whether AA, or a personal counselor, or other church or secular support group. There's lots of help out there; please take advantage of some of it. I know you're a do-it-yourself guy. So am I. But there are some things you can't do yourself my friend, and this is one of them. And beating a 900 pound gorilla like alcoholism is good reason for pride and self-respect, and those will improve your outlook some as well.

The biggest problem with depression is that it saps us of the will to fight, and you have to fight your way out of depression. If you're an old biker, you're no doubt used to gritting your teeth and putting up with hypothermia, hot sun, numb hands and feet from vibrating pegs and handles, sore butt and stiff back from long hours in a saddle, the 70 MPH grasshopper or thrown stone that hits like a bullet, planning the bare essentials for a trip since you have to travel LIGHT, and on and on. Consider this an extended road trip, with a great destination. Plan your moves, grit your teeth, and execute your plan. Like any good road trip, there are others on the road that you can ride with, and that makes it easier and more enjoyable. Hook up with some of the others going your way, AA or whatever, and get back in the saddle.

Life can be much better Franklin, but it won't get any better until you start making the right changes.

As far as testosterone and male menopause... I was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer last October, and have been on hormone deprivation therapy which stops ALL testosterone production, and I'm not depressed and haven't lost my interest in life. I don't think that's your problem at all.

On paper, you have a GOOD life. All you need to do is get out from under the things that are keeping your from enjoying it properly.

Take care, take CHARGE, and let us know how it goes. We'll be around if you want to talk more about it.

 

I wouldn't bother about anything else till you fix up the alcohol issue.

As MrPewty said, you're an alcoholic whether you like it or not.


Grab the White Pages, there are plenty of organisations listed in the front that can help.

You're a lot better off than most though in that at least you have a family.

Ignoring the problem won't make it go away, just worse till you have to deal with it sooner or later. Sooner is always a better option.

 

Franklin ... I think you need to change a lot of things about your life if you want your zest back. Things have become stale and you need a new challenge, venture or interest. Luckily for you ... your financial situation will support the change you need and by changing your life, it will also aid you in dropping the alcohol crutch.

Take your wife of 27 years and turn her into your partner. The two of you should venture out and search for a new cause, after all the kids are grown and your wife doesn't have them to care for anymore. You might also want to first start out with a vacation ... just the two of you in a very romantic spot. Take the time to rekindle the passion you and she had a youth. I think just taking those few steps will make you realize that the alcohol is getting in the way of your life and stopping you from enjoying the finer qualities.

 

Hey franklin
My old man was a Major Alcohlic. He was never abusive, or even a little evil. He owned everything, and his health sure OK was a little shakey. Anyways, he quit smoking first, though he cheated for awhile, then oddly enough for him went out and spent about ten thousand dollars on a woodworking shop in the basement....Completely fixxed and finnished. Well he ended up finding intrest in it..Alot of intrest! About six months after, he decided to quit drinking...Little cheats in there..
Anyhoo he did qiut both after awhile, or at least to the families view, but the wood shop grew into a huge...No GIGANTIC train set! He didnt stop at a track going around the shop. It went on to a geographical mini map of British Columbia Canada. He made mountains, Towns, forests and cities. Of course it wasn't to scale, but he made paper mache mountains covered with trees and the towns and cities alll had lites. He even made a Gondola that went up Grouse mountain in North Vancouver BC Canada, with detailed downhill ski runs. He reproduced one of the first trains that followed the West Coast, and created other ski hills like ....Whistler and Blackcomb, Apex, and even Mt. Baker in Washington state.
I suppose what I mean is maybie you just need to create somthing new for your self that truly makes you happy, or may make you happy. It may take a few tries, but if you ever liked trains and you have an imagination, you can recreat whatever you like, and possibly feel good about it. Projects, I believe, that work out well....Allways makes a man feel better about himself....And is therapy in its own way as well.
hope it made sense for you.
Good luck!