Diary of a newcomer to the snow belt

Dear Diary:

December 8: 6:00 PM: It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both
our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along
and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to
-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,
but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly
get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and
then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again,
I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for
the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is
lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she
nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch
who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat
him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and
waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a
100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry M*&#@% F&@!#$& Christmas. 20 more inches of the
f*%#@%* slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood
boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a
donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have
a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber
came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

 

*Gulp*

I just checked the weather forecast of where I'm moving to.

SNOW!!!!!!

 

Great Story Wenchie. We just got a few inches last night. Before that, all we've had was a light dusting here and there. Kolya is very excited, to say the least. Time to get out the sleds.

 

Great one, LMAO, Wenchie. Makes me glad that I live where it rarely falls below 20 degrees Celsius (68 Fahrenheit) all year around, here in the Tropics. Summer here, as I sit at the computer with shorts, singlet and thongs on, 7am Thursday, around 72 degrees F.

Don't own a blanket. Have to borrow one from the ex, in winter, when the temp may fall to a freezing 54 Fahrenheit (12 degrees C) here. Bazza

 

Every time I read that, it makes me giggle madly. Especially this year, though, since the people who bought the condo that practically sits in my driveway are from Alabama. They've actually gotten through most of that already, and it's barely winter!

 

LOL, I can't wait 'till my wife gets home, so I can get her to read it. She wants to move somewhere colder and more snowy. That should fix her!

 

Entertaining story, but doesn't go nearly far enough.

No mention of the VERY long drive to work after shoveling the driveway? Spending 2 hours driving 10 miles home from work. Sliding into ditches, mailboxes, other cars and high-siding and getting stuck in the snow drifts from hitting them too slowly (all favorite rookie pastimes). Ripping the cool-looking air dam out from under the front of your sporty car from busting through drifts (I've done that one. LOL)

Driving is more than half the fun of snow & ice.

 

When I was in the Air Force, I lived in England….My only transportation was a two wheel motorcycle, more a dirt bike, but licensed for the street…it had trial tire’s, that were good in mud and snow…..I lived about 18 miles from the base, and woke up to 14 inches of snow, and had to go to work, my roommate, didn’t, and wouldn’t drive me……I had to ride the motorcycle……as long as I kept it on the loose snow, or kept my feet down, I did ok………I made it to work in time, and before a lot of those with cars……..after that time, I would only ride the bike for fun, when it snowed…….wobbles

 

I've enjoyed many a snowy endurance ride on a motorbike in the UK, with bruises to prove it!! The cops said "do not travel unless you really have to" so 8 of us packed up the bikes with the camping gear and headed out to North Wales. Took 11 hours to do the 150 miles. Didn't spend much money on beer but Mickey D's sure did well out of us en route.

 

***shudder***

It is a little too cold here in the winter, and a little too much snow for that to be just a joke! The veranda roof caved in a month ago on my brother's house... I'm glad I live in a flat, I don't have to shovel...

I think I'll move somewhere nice and warm instead!

 

Solange, if you live in a "flat", didn't the roof already cave in ?

 

Yeah, it did! I have this terrible weight on my shoulders, and not till you mentioned it did I realise that it was the snow. That is why I'm so cool too!

Prefer the word "apartment" ?

 

86f......aloha

 

actually i kinda miss tthe snow....

 

no i dont...

 

Man, I have that music going through my head now with the words "Book 'em Danny!"

 

You're lucky- I got Don Ho singing "Tiny Bubbles"......

 

now thats just plan out funny