Family Drama - I need an objective opinion

I need to know if I was uneccesarily nasty, or if this is adequately civil. it's long.

Dear Barb,
It has come to my attention that many things need to be discussed as a family. I’m writing this letter in the hopes that my written communication will be more concise and bereft of the emotion that causes verbal communication breakdown, so that I may express my intentions as clearly as possible. I am both tired of being lied to and about by your son, and I would like to communicate with you as Kahlyn’s grandmother, not Kevin’s mother.

To make things perfectly clear, Kevin is not to have any unsupervised-by-myself contact what-so-ever until both the CPS case is resolved as unfounded and a new court ordered visitation agreement has been reached and signed. As such I cannot let you take Kahlyn anywhere unless I accompany her, because if she is left alone in Kevin’s presence under your supervision you are putting Kahlyn at risk. That’s according to the state. Now let’s make something perfectly clear: First; I WANT you to be involved. I WANT Kahlyn to have as much family and support as humanly possible. She’s just a little girl. She’s completely innocent and it’s heartbreaking to me that she’s been let down so much in her life. Secondly; I don’t believe Kevin molested Kahlyn. I know for a fact that he has viewed porn either in her presence, or leaving her unattended to do so in my home. I have a key logger to verify that and it is completely unacceptable and in future dealings with Kahlyn I will turn him in to CPS myself if this disgusting transgression ever occurs again. What I DO believe however, is that since the case was opened Kevin has disappeared completely without contact for the fourth time in her short life. And he has NOT at ANY time tried to call. And if you won’t believe my word over a proven liar I’d be more than happy to have the phone company send me a copy of all incoming calls. However, I don’t feel that’s at all necessary, and whatever Kevin has told you our interaction have been like, they have always for me been civil and pleasant. But barring all that, Kevin is Kahlyn’s FATHER. There is NO excuse What-so-ever for his lack of involvement, lack of support, and lack of responsibility of her, and this above all else has damaged Kahlyn irreparably.

You haven’t been here, Barb. You don’t have to watch her break down in tears in the middle of play because she wants her Kevin to come back. You don’t have to tell her you don’t know, he must be busy, when she asks why he went away, and NONE of you were there when she asked me why Daddy doesn’t Love her… It’s all been gut wrenching and horrible and there is no excuse for any of it. If he cared at all he would be a man and take responsibility, but every time in the past he’s been forced to he does a half-assed job, runs off, and then tells everyone it’s my fault. But you know what? It is NOT. Expecting a person to own up to their responsibility and care for their only child is not wrong, and punishing him for not doing it is both my responsibility and my job. I’ve paid all her bills, taken care of all her needs, and been the one to organize schools, and doctors, and specialists… Put food on the table, clothes on her back, furniture and toys in the home I earned and paid for all alone without any help. What has he done? What can he honestly say he willingly contributed to her upbringing, her needs, or how he showed her love and support? The reason he was involved at all, is because I made him, and now I regret doing so every day of my life, because I was the one who gave her the chance to love him and count on him, and he for his part completely and holistically let her down and broke her heart.

As such, Kahlyn has developed her own coping mechanism and I support her whole-heartedly. She asked me to define what the word, ‘Daddy’, meant. And I told her, daddy is the man that loves you and takes care of you. She told me that Kevin is not daddy, Kevin is her friend. Josh is her daddy, and she calls him such and refers to Kevin AS Kevin. NOONE is going to tell her she is wrong. If that is how she made the nightmares stop, then that is her right and I need compliance.

Bottom line is I am her mom. I am her only advocate. I do and will continue to do what is best for my daughter’s emotional, physical, and financial well being. I need the people who associate with her to be like-minded. I need them put Kahlyn first above all others, and I will not tolerate any less. I need to know, by means of family meeting, what role you want to take in Kahlyn’s life. I need to know your expectations and I need to know that you are on Kahlyn’s side, and no one else’s. I need to know that you will be here for Kahlyn if Kevin should ever make it official that he is not involved, and I need for you, as I do, to never discuss Kevin or what has happened, is happening, or will ever happen, because I will not subject her to that. She wonderful and all she knows and all she NEEDS to know is that everyone loves her, not that they don’t get along with each other.

I want you to be involved. If you want to take Kahlyn to the zoo, you may, but I require my presence. If that is unacceptable to you, I’m sorry, but until the court decides otherwise, that is the way things are going to be. For everything. If that is acceptable please call me and set a day and time for us to be ready, and I will pay my own way and stand off. It’s your outing. I also want you to conference with everyone who wants involvement, and I want to meet with everyone at once without Kahlyn present. No one sees Kahlyn until there is a set plan that is agreed to and if need be signed and notorized, because I will not set Kahlyn up to be let down again, and because as I said, I am tired of people playing each other off of me. I’m a mom, and anyone who thinks I’m wrong for requiring Kevin to be a good father or none at all can take it up with God.

You have all my contact information above. Feel free to get in touch. If Kevin is going to the zoo, Kahlyn cannot attend. He will not be seeing her at all until we communicate and the courts set visitation grounds. Thank you for reading all of this, and I hope you will choose to be a part of Kahlyn’s life, separate from all of this… nonsense.

Sincerely,
Renate Ussery

Ps. Kevin has a number of my DVD’s that he admitted by phone to stealing from me. If you would be so kind as to relay the message, I require them back by the end of this weekend or I will be forced to file a police report. Stealing from my home is unacceptable, and he has been given ample time to return them. Thank you.

 

Two things I'd change:

Your starting paragraph "It has come to my attention..." is too formal for a personal letter. I'd change it to a simple statement that there are some issues that need to be discussed...

Stating that you need to know that she is on Kahlyn's side and nobody else's is unrealistic. Most mothers will be on their own children's sides first and always, as you would likely be on Kahlyn's side first on almost any issue, even over an issue that automatically divides loyalties. What you CAN ask is a commitment to separate her feelings for her son from her feelings for, and duty to, her grandaughter, and agreement to do what's best for Kahlyn.

Other than those, it seems firm but fair. And in the situation you have, firm is a requirement.

 

thanks guys, I appreciate it. GT I sent it off already, but when we discuss it i'll clarify the points you suggested, thanks.

 

Looks good Wenchie. I would also make it clear to her when you talk in person that although Kahlyn will no longer be referring to Kevin as "Daddy" that you will make sure that she knows that Kevin is her Father. You will not lie to her and say that someone else is her father. I could just see her not really "getting" the whole Daddy part of it (and not giving Kahlyn credit for being able to understand the difference between Father and Daddy), and thinking that you're just trying to turn Kahlyn against him.

Hope it all goes well!

Cindy

 

good point cindy, thanks

 

I don't have anything to add, and it's hard for me to be objective, since we all tend to side with you. But even so, I think if I was on the receiving end of such a letter, I would understand your intent, and would come to talk with an open heart. I hope that is the response you get.
We'll be praying,
Eric

 

i'm not counting on it, but heres hoping

 

Good job, to the point. It shows that you are a caring mother, not a vendictive or vengeful one. I hope his mother is as understanding as you are. Good luck. I am so glad my ex-mother-in-law hasn't talked to me in 4 years. My kids are better off. Kahlyn is one lucky little girl!!!

 

I went threw a similar situation in my own life at one point, so I do wholeheartedly agree with your views. I do hope the best outcome from all this for you & your daughter. I also hope that the mother will be understanding & IMO if not?, then she needs no involvement either. If the grandmother is talking about you behind your back to your child, it can in no way have a good influence.

Best of luck in all this. It seems as though you have a good grasp on reality.