Got A Good And Funny Joke? Lets Laugh ...

One day, Farmer Jones was picking up supplies for his farm.
He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil.
Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the
bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm
and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking, he met a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.
Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.

The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband
to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't
hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil,
two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

Two rednecks walked into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talked about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table eating a sandwich, began coughing.
After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.

One of the rednecks looked at her and said, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shook her head "No."

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman began to turn blue and shook her head "No."

One redneck walked over to the woman, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down
her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman was so shocked that she had a violent spasm and the obstruction flew out of her mouth.

As she began to breathe again, the redneck walked slowly back to the bar.
His partner said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hine Lick Maneuver' but I ain't never seen nobody do it!"

 

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant."
"Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot."
"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me."
"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the **** did your hair?"

 

I also got one.
Which day is strong in a week?
Saturday and Sunday. Because the rest are "weak"days.

 

lol What most people don't realize is that all 7 days are part of the week day.

 

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the publican?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, then popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies."

 

Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Intellectually Challenged

A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
Slipped into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
All foam, no beer.
The butter has slipped off his pancake.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Not wired to code.
Skylight leaks a little.
His/Her slinky is kinked.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
Got a photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.
During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Is so dense, light bends around her.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
He/She stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long.

 

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while,
the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.
What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter.
The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler."
"Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

Funny blonde joke about carburetor:
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

 

What kind of blonde joke can you tell to a blonde?

Doesn't matter. She won't get it anyway.

 

Did you hear about the time Michelangelo had been painting on the Sistine ceiling for four hours and went crashing to the floor. "Damn it," he shouted.

Just then he saw two black shoes approach him. He looked up, there was a nun. She told him he should never use the word damn in the house of God. She told him to say "God, help me!"

As he got back on the scaffolding it started sifting to the right wall. "God, help me!" he exclaimed.

At that moment the scaffolding reversed it trend and then stopped right where he had been painting. The nun watched in astonishment and exclaimed, " I'll be damned!"

 

An engineer was taking a walk when a frog spoke to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."He picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll become your girlfriend."The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll become your wife."The engineer took the frog out of his pocket again, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.Finally, the frog said, "What is the matter? I'm a beautiful princess. Why won`t you kiss me?"The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend or a wife, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''

The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''

''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''

The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''

''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''

''Yeah, he's my dad.''

''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''

The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''

The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''

''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''

The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''

The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan;

 

Getting married in Heaven...

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him.
St. Peter replies, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” He leaves.
The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to return, but he never did. 9 weeks later, and the couple were still waiting. They started to wonder, if things didn’t work out, could they get a divorce in heaven? Another month later, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,” he informs the couple. “You can get married in Heaven.”
“Awesome!” the couple responds enthusiastically. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter’s face suddenly turned red with anger. He slammed his clipboard to the ground. Frightened, the couple asked “What’s wrong?”
“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

 

no, think of 7 days as toothpick, week days are in the middle, the days on the ends are the WEEKENDS makes perfect sense

 

One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter asked him to
watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an
old, old man approach. This man was OLD! He walked very slowly, had a halting
gait, and long white hair and beard. When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man
advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help
but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there.
"I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet,"
states the old man.
Jesus does a double take and says, "Father?"
The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"

 

Ran across this somewhere on the interwebs.

 

This why I eat meat...

 

After sixty years, a Rabbi decides to retire. Taking the box of foreskin's he
has collected over the years of doing circumcisions. He goes to a Leather goods
Manufacture and says to the man "Can you do anything with these".
The man says "No problem, come back in two weeks"
After two weeks the rabbi returns to the shop, and is presented with a wallet.
In total dismay, he says to the craftsman "After sixty years, the best you can
do is a wallet!" The man replies "Don't worry, just rub it a few times and it
will grow into a suitcase."

 

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer,"
The ostrich says "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

 

FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy, it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

 

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

 

A rancher in Argentina, way before the existence of Viagra, had a prize Charolais bull that stopped performing. The rancher went to the local veterinarian, who gave him some pills to give to the bull.

Results were astonishing: the bull pursued and mounted every receptive cow he could find, and several times a day. After four months, the bull again stopped breeding. Since the old veterinarian had moved away, the rancher went to a new vet.

He tried to describe the pills, but couldn't remember the brand. "Can you remember anything at all about those pills?", asked the vet.

"No," replied the rancher, "but they did taste like almonds............"

 

couple of good ones ive come across before, good for a giggle,

http://skippyslist.com/list/

http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

and here is a couple from myself.

so a computer tech working in the local IT dept. gets a phone call from a lady in his department asking him how to set up an email account for the first time. the tech asks the lady her name and she tells him, so he instructs her on what providers are available and asks her if she has any questions, or is having any problems. and she says no. so she choose one.
he leads her to the authors site, and begins walking her through the creation process, choosing a name, setting location, back up phone number, the works and he asks her if she has any questions, or is having any problems. and she says no..
after he explains to her how to activate the account and login, he asks her if she has any questions, or is having any problems. and she says no.
and just as he is about to say good bye, and tell her to have a nice day, she says "excuse me sir, but am i supposed to turn my computer on yet?"

How can you tell a blonde has been using your computer, there is whiteout on the screen,
how can you tell a blonde has been using your copier, the moniter is still face down on it, glued to it with white out.
how can you tell a blonde has been using your printer, there is 30 copies of the moniter with whiteout on it scattered across the room, how can you tell a blonde has been using your fax machine, you just got a memo of a picture of the moniter with the words written at the bottom in pen, "none of your office supplies work right not even your tech support! tell me who your boss is! i tried to call the phone number on the modem for help and all i got was a scratchy screechy beeping static noise! the only thing that seems to work is your stupid fax machine!"

 

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, but only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why?" they asked. "Because," the manager said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh .......... unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

toodles!

 

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......

B*gger off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.

 

I like this one:

A blind man walked into a bar - and a table, and a chair, and .....

 

Business Signage :

Septic Tank Truck sign reads: "We're #1 in the #2 business".
Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a military hospital door for colonoscopies: Expedite your visit. Please back in."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Come in and pick your nose."
At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "We'll be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home:"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a propane filling station, "Tank heaven for little grills."
At a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak"

 

Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre? After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

and you thought I lacked De Gaulle to tell a story like this!

 

Now that's punny

 

The power mower was broken and wouldn't run, a lady kept hinting to her
husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank
in. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When her
husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.

He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again. He handed her a
toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass", he said, "you might as
well sweep the sidewalks."

The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.

 

GREAT RELIGIOUS TRUTHS:
1. Muslims do not recognize Judaism as a religion.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters! 


 

An attempt by the US Justice Department to test the comparative effectiveness of the FBI, the CIA, and the NYPD, by pitting them against each other in a test.

To do this, they select three identical forests and into each they set free a particular rabbit to mix with the rest of the rabbit population. Each agency is required to go into its forest and bring back the designated rabbit, dead or alive.

The FBI approaches the task by surrounding the forest, torching the place with flame throwers, killing every living thing and then announcing to the Justice Department: "We got the rabbit".

The CIA groom an alternative rabbit administration back home, parachute in an elite squad of trained rabbit mercenaries to infiltrate the rabbit military establishment and spread damaging propaganda about the existing rabbit hierarchy, which eventually begins to shake. Following a quick and bloodless military coup,
the new military leadership announces "open and fair" elections. The CIA's home-grown alternative administration wins by a landslide and is declared the legitimate and popularly supported government. This
government proceeds to intern and torture all opposition, eventually reporting back to the CIA that their designated rabbit has been found and neutralized.

When the time comes, the NYPD enters its forest. Within hours, a huge commotion is heard. There is a lot angry shouting, punching, banging, and groans emanating from a dark corner of the forest. Eventually, the commotion dies down and the NYPD emerge with an enormous grizzly bear in tow, hands cuffed behind its back, looking much the worse for wear and pleading: "Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

 

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children.
If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."

A few moments later, The Devil answers the phone, "Hello? Damn - hold on a minute."
The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"
Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"
Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said , "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those damn Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

 

I like this one, twisted though.

 

And finally, to close out our news cast, one of our viewers, Nigel Winkley, had the following encounter the other day.
He was accosted by a particularly shabby, smelly man who asked him for money to buy dinner.
Mr. Winkley took out his wallet, extracted a fiver, and asked, "If I give you this money, will you take it and buy whisky?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the beggar said.
"Will you use it to gamble?" he asked.
"I don't gamble," said the man.
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" he asked.
"Are you MAD? Said the beggar, "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
At which our viewer exclaimed, "Forget the money. I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The beggar was astounded. "Won't your wife be bothered? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty bad too."
"That's alright," he replied, "I want her to see what a man looks like when he's given up drink, gambling, and golf."

 

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
"I don't understand," he complained to Saint Peter. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation." "Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results," Saint Peter explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"
"Well," the minister had to admit," some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."
"Exactly," said Saint Peter. "And when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed."

 

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you," he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own some day. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom."

 

Two Nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), 

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).


It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight 
and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? 
What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. 
He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and 
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried 
about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! 
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. 
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. 
I started to run as fast as I could and 
he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. 
I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. 
He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster 
than a man with his pants down. 


And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, 
say two Hail Marys!

 

OK it is corny but have to admit I laughed. Sorry if it has been posted already.
And I apologize to all blondes.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

 

An Englishman sits at a pavement cafe in Paris and orders a coffee. Another guy is also sitting there, reading Le Matin, a half empty glass of wine on the table. While the Englishman waits for his coffee a fly lands on the wine glass and starts crawling down the inside. Not great at French the Englishman struggles to find a way to let the Frenchman know about the fly. Eventually he manages 'monsieur, il y'a un mouche dans votre vin'. The Frenchman lowers his paper, studies his wineglass, and says 'ce n'est pas un mouche, c'est une mouche'. The Englishman peers closely at the glass and eventually says 'Good God, what incredible eyesight you have monsieur!'

 

There was this fella with a parrot.

And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a real pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

To teach the parrot a lesson. the guy locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make the saltiest of pirates blush.

At this point, the guy is so frustrated that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes around. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first, the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded.

He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

 

Subject: school teacher arrested trying to board a flight.

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks." 


 

this is a bit dated, but mildly amusing...

+-+-+

George W. and Condi have a little chat:

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the UN.
Condi: Yes sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the UN?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the UN.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too.

 

Finally, news just in of a worldwide survey conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: " Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In much of Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant.
In much of Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.
And in the US, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

 

Catholics & Horses

Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the Race track.

One day he was betting on the ponies and was nearly losing his shirt, When he noticed a priest who stepped onto the track and blessed the forehead of a horse lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, this horse, a very long shot, won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step onto the track as the horses for the 5th race lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of a horse.

Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed, won the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses, and they always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.

He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track, before the last race, and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.

Dumbfounded, Mitch made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded and said, "Well, I am sorry for your loss, but you need to be able to tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.