Got A Good And Funny Joke? Lets Laugh ...

from my email archives...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Microsoft Windows,

In retrospect, this letter should be of no surprise to you. For years now I have stood by you despite the terrible things people have said. We have always managed to work through our serious problems but too many things have been swept under the table. I do not think I can stand idly by you any longer.

What's that? No, another service pack will not help, not this time.

I remember when we met, a warm April day, in 1992. For years I had been hearing about you, about your graphical user interface, innovations, and problems in the courtroom... I had seen you here and there, but it was not until that fateful day, April 6, that our relationship became serious. Though you had changed with the times, never like this. I was almost knocked off my feet when I first saw you. Right then I knew it, you had to be mine. Who else could offer me what you could? I wanted, no, I needed, your TrueType font support, your video playback capability, your color screen savers...

As time progressed so did my needs. Our affair took its next serious step on August 24, 1995. At the time I thought our happiness would never end. You brought me places I never thought possible. How could I refuse your Plug-and-Play capability or your TCP/IP stack? I mean, you gave up your best friend, DOS, so our relationship could progress unhindered. It hurts me to look back at us, two starry-eyed lovers wanting nothing more than each others company.

Then it almost all came tumbling down. June 25, 1998. What were you thinking? Were you thinking at all? You changed, like in 1995, but not like I thought you would. Still clinging to your DOS kernel, like a small, lost child clutching its teddy bear. Where was the OS I had learned to love? You feebly proffered USB support, DVD playback, and a Quick Launch toolbar, but you were beginning to mix with a bad crowd. With that invasive Internet Explorer. I knew about what happened... You let him access your Explorer. I thought that was something special between us.

Though we had a bit of a falling out afterwards, my love was rekindled after February 17th, 2000. You were once again new- Professional- just like I thought you could one day be. I knew you were once again stable, not like back in 1998, and that you were the only OS for me. I remembered what had drawn me you you in the first place- ease of use, speed, your stunning looks, your compatibility. I remember saying, "I hope things never change because I love you the way you are."

I thought that what we had meant something- your transformation in 2000 seemed to cement that. I know now that I was wrong. By Sept 17 you tried to change for the Millennium. I saw right through you- trying to settle down and fit in better with the 'home-user'. Did you think I would love you more because of a few cosmetic changes? I was not impressed with the full-color icons, fancy skins, or your new media player. I thought what we had was deeper than that. Luckily you gave me a choicer, I did not have to choose the new you, the old version would be fine. I know you meant well but you just shouldn't have done that, especially with the '1998' episode so fresh in my mind.

By October 25, 2001 more changes had come. Everyone told me how great the new you would be. I got so tired of hearing about how up to date, easy to work with, and slick looking you had become. That was all I could take. You changed so much that I didn't even know you any more. I really dug some of your new features but the old you, the you from 2000, could have done all this. So why did you have to change at all? I didn't want to upgrade you or make you into something you were not.

Well, like I wrote, I have reached my limit. Its going to take more than an automatic update to fix our relationship. I just don't feel like I know you anymore. For example, do you know what I found on the computer a few days ago? Spyware! I wonder who let that in...

Windows, I know you will try to change, but I have been hurt too many times. You should know that I have been seeing someone else for a few months now. She is fun, easy going, and will do something for me that you never even considered, share her source code.

I don't know what else to say- we had a good run, but now its over. Pack up your Media Player, your browser, hell, take Minesweeper if you have to. I am sure we'll see each other from time to time but I know one thing, I'll never again have to depend on you.

Yours no longer.

 

I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said: "I'll bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf."
I said, "I'm not gambling. The steaks are too high."

 

I was advised by the instructor at my self defence class that if you are attacked by a mob of clowns the most effective tactic is to go straight for the juggler.......

 

Hmm, so going to a bar to play pool and drink beer could also be a career enhancer if worded right.

Met twice monthly with peers to socialize, network, and practice skills and encouraging and developing competitive traits... Sweet! Can I write off my bar tab?

 

I think you can if it's a business dinner. Don't quote me on that though.

 

But aren't you developing interpersonal working relationships with colleagues and teambuilding to develop winning strategies for the job at hand in a relaxed social setting that may even encompass a meal ........... IMHO definitely work related

 

[

A blind man walked into a bar. And a table. And a chair. And ....

 

Heck yeah! LMFOAO!

 

True story: I had a boss that would take everyone in the office to lunch, call it a "Safety Meeting" and to make it official discuss avoiding paper cuts and being careful to not fall out of your desk chair. Honestly I only fell out of my chair once and that was because I was reaching for something that was to far away to reach and the chair rolled out from under me.

 

No Nativity Scene in the District of Columbia this Christmas.

The Supreme Court has announced that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington DC this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

 

“My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.”

 

An old farmer was sitting on his front porch one day when a big fancy car came pulling up the dirt driveway. A man got out of the car and came up to the porch.
He pulls a card from his shirt pocket and says, " I'm with the DEA and we are searching this area for planted marijuana." "I need to look around the place."
The old farmer spits some tobacco juice to the side and says, " Look all you want, but don't go near that barn", pointing off to the side.

The DEA man figures this must be the first place to look. He tells the farmer, "I'm going to look in there". The farmer spits his tobacco juice again and repeats, "I'm telling you Don't go near that barn." The DEA man shakes his i.d. in the air and says," This card let's me go anywhere!". "Oh well". says the farmer.

The DEA struts across the field towards the barn, climbs the barnyard fence and is headed to the barn. All of a sudden a big noise comes from behind the barn. It's a huge bull just a snorting and stomping his feet and all of a sudden starts charging the DEA man. The man turns and start to run, stumbles on his own two feet, get back up just a running and now hollaring "Help! Help me!"

The old farmer spits some tobacco juice to the side and hollars, " Just show him your CARD!".

 

Happy Halloween Everyone!!!!

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a.......

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing 
quickly behind him ...

faster...
faster...
faster...
BUMP...
BUMP....
BUMP....

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. .
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...

clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on the heels of the terrified man.... .

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. .
With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door.
Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man SCREAMS and reaches for something heavy, anything 
...
his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin.
Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition.......
and .........
the coffin stops.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

 

moonies... during my college years [ late 1970's ] i actually had dinner at their house before i knew who they were. it was a nice enough dinner, but you had to sit through their presentation where they tried to convince you to come to their camp up in the mountains some where. i politely turned them down, and later that night, my roommate explained to me who they actually were, in no uncertain terms... good times

+++++++

my sister lives in the St Louis Missouri area, and, by traditional, kids trick or treating don't get their treats unless they tell the host a joke.
these are some of the jokes making the rounds there this year:
What's green & goes thru a wall? A pickle. But, you gotta throw it *really* hard.
What's brown and sticky? A stick!"
Why wouldn't the cat sign the contract? Because it wasn't within her purrrrrview.
Which circus performer is a vampire's favorite snack? The juggler.
What is a witch's favorite class? Spell-ing.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
What do you call two witches living together? Broommates.
How do you spell boomerang? Oh, wait. It just came back to me.

toodles.

 

This is also very true.

 

here is an email i received, long ago, that was titled:
Profound Questions!

1. How Do You Catch A Unique bird?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch A Tame bird?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk

12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Also Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat

21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

 

Who can honestly say they are not on this list?

 

How do you top a car?

Tep on the brake, tilly...

 

Tiger Woods driving his BMW in Ireland...

In a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is: "Good mornin" to yerz, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant." They’re called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving", says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"

 

Let's have a drink...

 

a short joke from the UK…

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

 

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding.

Older woman: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license, please?

Older woman: I'd give it to you, but I don't have one.

Officer: You don't have one?

Older woman: Lost it, four years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

Older woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it!?

Older woman: Yes, and I killed the owner.

Officer: You WHAT?!

Older woman: His body is in the trunk if you want to see.

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his pistol grip.

Senior officer: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
[ The woman steps out of her vehicle. ]

Older woman: Is there a problem, sir?

Senior officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older woman: Murdered the owner?

Senior officer: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car?
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Senior officer: Is this your car, Ma'am?

Older woman: Yes: here are the registration papers to prove it. The officer is stunned.

Senior officer: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers license. Is that correct?

Older woman: The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out her drivers license and hands it to the officer.

Senior officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you Ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, and that you stole this car.

Older woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding TOO!!!

 

A priest wanted to raise money for his church. When told that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a racehorse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might just as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The paper read:
PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.

The paper headline the next day read:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun she couldn't keep the donkey. She sold the donkey to a farmer for $10.00.

Next day the headline read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free.

Next day, the headline in the paper read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

 

* Happy Thanksgiving! *

• Why do people buy their Thanksgiving Day Turkeys in Los Angeles? Because they all had breast enlargements!
• What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
• Why should you keep your eye off the turkey dressing? Because it makes him blush!
• If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their age!
• How do you make a turkey float? You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey!
• What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock!
• How do you know your family is dysfunctional? If Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roasted turkey!
• What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

toodles!!

 

Being of Irish descent, this joke is not meant to hurt anyone:

Irish Logic

It was 2 AM and Shamus O'Toole had just closed Murphy's Pub and was unsteadily navigating to the underground escalator when he suddenly encountered a huge sign: "Dogs must be carried on the escalator! ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS!

Shamus bemoaned: "Bejabbers! And just where, pray tell, is a bloke t'be finding a dog at this unholy hour?"

 

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as, -> long drum roll -> Sinko de Mayo.


 

--> Coffee In Bed

A sweet little boy surprised his father on Father's Day morning and brought him a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The father had never in his life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as he forced down the last sip he noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

He asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

His son replied, "You know dad, it's like on TV... 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

--> Family Bible...

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

--> Creation...

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the Kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

--> Being Jesus...

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

--> Love Your Sibling As Yourself.....

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

One little boy quickly answered, "Thou shall not kill."

--> Picture Of God.....

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."

Without looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

--> Bravery.....

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear, I have to sleep in daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice, "The big sissy."

 

There was a Brit, a Frenchman, and a Russian viewing a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit, “They must be British.”

“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees, “They’re naked and beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”

“No, clearly, they are Russian!” the Russian objects. “No clothes, no shelter, they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise.”

 

CHAPPED LIPS

Michael O’Toole and Shamus Murphy were maneuvering their way unsteadily home from The Shamrock Pub and, being late, they took a shortcut through Mr. O’Malley’s farm where they chanced upon O’Malley’s prized colt. Immediately, O’Toole lifted it’s tail, took a quick swipe and smeared it on his own lips.

Murphy exclaimed: “Michael, is that stuff good for chapped lips?”

Shamus replied: “I don’t know but it sure keeps me from licking them!”

 

Many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and other Televangelists speak of the “Homosexual Agenda”, but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Well, here it is, directly from the Homointern:

6:00 am :-> Gym and Tanning Bed

8:00 am :-> Breakfast [oatmeal and egg whites]

9:00 am :-> Hair Appointment

10:00 am :-> Shopping

12:00 pm :-> Brunch [salmon Benedict, roasted potatoes, mimosa]

2:00 pm :->
[1] Assume complete control of the US federal, state, and local governments, as well as other national governments;
[2] Recruit all straight youngsters to a debauched lifestyle;
[3] Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages;
[4] Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels;
[5] Establish planetary chain of ‘homo-breeding gulags,’ where over medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for devotedly gay leadership;
[6] Bulldoze all houses of worship; and
[7] Secure total control of the Internet and all mass media for the exclusive use of the Liberace Society.

2:30 pm :-> Beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles due to stress of world conquest.

3:30 pm :-> Protein Shake

4:00 pm :-> Tea Dance

6:00 pm :-> Light Dinner [soup, salad, and skinless chicken breast, with a crisp Chard]

8:00 pm :-> Theater

11:00 pm :-> Bed du Jour

 

Modern Day Measurements ::

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

365.25 days: 1 unicycle

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: One I.V. League

 

A Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer were traveling by train through Provence. The train enters a tunnel and the lights go out. Then came a kissing noise followed by the sound of a really loud slap. When the train exited the tunnel, Claudia and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman was holding his cheek.

The Frenchman thought 'That Englishman must have tried to kiss Claudia and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia was thinking: 'The Frenchman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.'

And the Englishman was thinking: 'Great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Frenchman again.'

 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said,
"Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said,
"What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know ... the one that is red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?" asked his friend.

"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled,
"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

 

The Ten Commandments:

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse........
You cannot post
"Thou Shalt Not Steal,"
"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and
"Thou Shall Not Lie"
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians --
it creates a hostile work environment.

 

Owed to a Spell Checker:

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marcs four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin Knot Sea.
Eye strikes a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye is wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye has run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

 

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750” Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

 

joffa, that's just evil!
Haven't heard such an original in a long time. I tried... but I can't give you 2 likes.

 

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home,
he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife
and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough,
where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

Hehehehe yep an oldie but still a goodie

 

A Practical Joke that might get a chuckle:

One day a 4-year old girl I knew went into her apartment. She came back out a few minutes later, sat down and said "Mike, I got something in my shoe."

I said "Well, why don't you take off your shoe and get it out?"

She pulled off her shoe (a slip-on sneaker) to reveal little strips of toilet paper between her toes.

Well, I just had to laugh.

 

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

 

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" 


But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" 


But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me? 


After a brief pause… A little voice came out of the box:.. 
 "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

 

not a joke per-se, but it put a smile on my face. the loss of human interaction in this modern age will be at the root of most problems. my hope is that the majorgeek forum, moderated by such caring people, will be the lynch pin that saves all of humanity from the technogeddon we are all hurtling towards

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Phone operators had connections
By LEON HALE
Copyright 2003 Houston Chronicle

The other afternoon I needed to make a long distance call to a person in the little East Texas town of Leggett, which is on U.S. Highway 59, a few miles north of Livingston.

I didn't have the number so I dialed directory assistance and talked to a woman who sounded like she was in New Jersey, or maybe Pennsylvania, and of course she had never heard of Leggett, and asked how the name is spelled.

Eventually she did find the number for me, so I am not criticizing the system, but that exchange got me thinking about the country telephone systems that were operating in this part of the world when I came to Houston in the late 1940s.

My job then required me to do a lot of talking long distance to parties in small towns and on ranches and farms, and their phones were often on the lines of small local companies.

It was common for the office of such a company to be in a private home. Go in a house like that and you'd meet a friendly woman with a headset on, sitting before a switchboard bristling with wires and plugs. And this woman was personally acquainted with every phone customer the company had, and often knew where they were and what they were doing and why.

I made friends with as many of these operators as I could because they were valuable sources of local news and also because they were interesting women to know.

Making the rounds:

Say it's 1948 and I'm here in Houston and I want to talk on the phone to J.R. Somebody in a town about the size of Leggett or Glen Flora or Cat Spring. So I call his number and May, on the switchboard, tells me he's not at the house.

She says if it's important she might run him down before he leaves, that he's taking a load of calves to Houston this morning.

I tell her it's important and she says, "He's probably drinkin' coffee at the cafe about now. Hold on."

So I listen while she rings the cafe. A man answers with, "CA-fay." And May says, "Chester, is J.R. in there?"

"He just left, May," says Chester. "You might catch him at the lumber yard."

May says, "I thought he was haulin' calves to Houston today."

"Naw," Chester says, "He had transmission trouble on his truck. Said he was gonna buy staples and fix his fence. How's your mama doin', May?"

"She had a pretty fair night, thanks. You know how it is. She has her good days and bad days. I'll check for J.R. at the lumber yard."

I hear her ring the lumber yard. Man answers with, "Luhma yar." And May says, "Oscar, I'm lookin' for J.R."

Oscar says, "Haven't seen him this mornin', May. I think he's shippin' calves. Expect he's halfway to Houston by now."

"No, he didn't go. Had trouble with his truck."

"Aw. Well, that case, he might be at Riley's."

"If he comes by there," May says, "tell 'im to call me, will you? How's Linda Sue? You a granddaddy yet?"

Oscar laughs two gruff notes. "Not yet. She and Billy come by the house last night. I swear I don't see how that girl's gonna last another 15 minutes."

Riley's turns out to be the local auto repair shop.

"Mornin', Riley," May says. "J.R. happen to be in there?"

"Not yet, May, but I'm lookin' for him. Got his truck here. Listen, tell Jim his pickup is ready. Sittin' out front."

May says, "You gonna charge us another arm and a leg, I reckon."

"Naw, come on, wadn't nothin' much wrong with it. How come you married a man don't ever change his oil?"

"Whatta you talkin' about," May says, "I can't even get him to change his socks. When J.R. shows up, tell him to call me, OK?"

"OK. How's your mama doin', May?"

"Doin' pretty fair, thanks. Good days and bad, you know."

"Yeah, well, you tell her I said howdy. That's one of the best women I ever knew. Hey, hold on a minute, May. Guess who just rolled up. J.R. hisself."

So that's the way I'd find him, with the help of May at the switchboard and Chester at the CA-fay and Oscar at the luhma yar and Riley at Riley's.

Today it would be considered a slow and inefficient system but I loved it, and I miss it.