Got A Good And Funny Joke? Lets Laugh ...

My self-driving wheelchair just failed it's driving test.

 

Me wee Irish mum immediately jerked me out of medical school upon learning that the girl and boy students had to share but one krickalum!

 

I'm getting nurse Andrea a new rectal thermometer, she seems to have misplaced hers.

 

My wife told an old Cherokee woman that she had just gotten a nice bottle of wine for me.

The old woman said: "Good trade!"

 

Eagles may soar, but you've never heard of a weasel getting sucked into jet engines.

 

My doctor called me a fine physical specimen then I learned what those medicos call 'specimen.'

 

My power wheelchair was disqualified from the Special Olympics. It tested positive for WD40.

 

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

 

I applied for the head nurse's job but they said that my IQ was way too high!

 

It was 2 am and Paddy O'Brien had just closed Murphy's Pub and was unsteadily wending his way to the underground escalator when suddenly confronted by a huge sign: "Dogs must be carried on the escalator. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS! Paddy bemoaned: "And just where, pray tell, am I to be findin' a dog at this unholy hour?

 

Last night a fit looking Chinese guy came into my favourite bar.
I asked him if he knew Karate or Kung Fu or some other martial art.
He said, “Why do you ask me this question? Is it because I’m Chinese?!”
“No, I'm just checking first...........because you’re drinking my beer!”

 

Kick his ass...

 

Hmmm............asian...........looks fit.............maybe martial arts skills.........I guess I'd be a bit careful about handing out some whoop arse

 

Ask him...'want another?'

 

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon; crispy bacon; life-giving, nearly raw, juicy bacon... all sorts of bacon. "Hey, Pepe," says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree!

We're saved!" So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa hombre?" With his last breath, Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree, ees a ham bush."

 

Sign at hotel ool:

There is no "p" in our ool, please help us keep it that way!

-- The management

 

A man went to the ER with a tiny lizard stuck in his ear............and was successfully treated for a reptile dysfunction.....



.......Sorry

 

Earl and Cletus are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Cletus says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife........ she ain't spoke to me in over 3 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over Cletus....... women like that are hard to find."

 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement home were sitting on a bench under a big tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."

 

Dustin and Jane (both blonde) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “Whatever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”

 

Never argue with a child!!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said
it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even
though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated,
the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

 

A cop came to my door and asked "Where were you between 5 and 6. I said kindergarten! Can I start a go fund me for bail money?

 

From the thought cataloguedotcom-eric redding.......

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum. And one night, they decide they don’t like living in the asylum anymore. They decide they’re going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away into the moonlight. Stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren’t make the leap. Y’see… y’see, he’s afraid of falling. So then the first guy has an idea… He says, ‘Hey, I have a flashlight with me! I’ll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me!’ But the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says… he says ‘Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You’d turn it off when I was halfway across!

 

The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota, covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones

 

Three blondes die and go to St. Peter. He says, "I have one question, and if you get it right, I will let you into Heaven." He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" She answers, "That's the time of the year when our whole family gets together and we eat turkey." St. Peter says to the next blonde, "What is Easter?" She answers, "That's the time of year when the fat jolly guy comes down the chimney and our family gets together to open presents." St. Peter asks the third blonde, "What is Easter?" She says, "That's when Christ died and they put him in a tomb behind a rock." "That's right!" exclaims St. Peter. "Then, once a year," continues the third blonde, "we roll the stone away and he comes out, and if he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of winter."

 

Mr. Drobnick annotated my report card under Geography by writing: "Donald does well to find his way home!"

 

Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy.......

 

I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.....

 

Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief.....

 

In The Wisdom of Solomon...

Two woman in a bus fighting bitterly over the last available seat.
The conductor had already tried unsuccessfully to intervene when the bus driver shouted to him: "Let the ugly one have the seat."
Both woman stood for the rest of the journey...

 

What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Use your imagination...

 

A very unhappy marriage...

Got home today and there's a notice against the front door.
"We have your wife. If you want to see her alive we want $2 million. Do not contact the police. Wait for a phone call from us."
These guys don't mess around. I have had 17 missed calls...

 

Two sides to the coin...

They say many people have died because of alcohol.
Do they know how have been born because of alcohol?

 

Lots lol

My brother has that taste but i do not....And i bet his kids will start when they are 18 lol.I know my brother started around that age.I don't like any kinda alcohol I can not even stand the smell of it.

 

I had some thing happen to day that made me laugh so freaking hard while driving...

I was driving down a road i normally delver on.There was a squirrel running in front of me.He went into hyper drive so fast that he literally lost his nuts.While running.


https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/513IgSvmulL._AC_SY400_.jpg

 

I was walking through the graveyard today, saw a man bent over "Morning" I said, "No im taking a dump"

 

You sure the the two mice aren't trying to hump one another.

 

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

 

The 4-year-old twins, Paul and Paula, were being bathed by their mom when they first became aware of their anatomical differences.

Paula asked: Can I please touch yours?

Paul recoiled: Heck no, you've already broken yours off!

 

Boy toddler to girl toddler: "Are you the opposite sex or am I?"

 

Q: How do you get down off of an elephant?

A: You don't - you get down off of a duck.

 

Things that passed through my spell-checker:

I mist ewe

 

I was somehow endowed with two brains; one is the size of a BB and the other is just a wee bitty thing.

 

Your brain is a wonderful thing. It works 24/7/365 right from birth until the day you fall in love.

 

A wee chuckle:

An Australian bloke was surprised to awaken in the ER in Melbourne. As his head and vision began to clear he asked the attending nurse: "Was I brought here to die?"

To which she replied: "No, you came in yester die!"

 

A grumpy male patent had been driving the young nurses crazy with his frequent and loud demands that were upsetting the staff and other patients so they asked the well-seasoned charge nurse to intervene. She told him that she needed a rectal temperature which he promptly protested. She insisted and, upon leaving, left his bottom exposed to passerby in the hallway. After an hour or more he became curious why everyone passing would burst out in uproarious laughter. Finally, the charge nurse returned and he asked: "Hasn't anyone seen a rectal temperature taken before?" She answered with a devious grin: "Probably not with a daffodil."

 

Sent to me

Some political commentary (bipartisan)

Blessed are those that can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.’


The florist was pleased and left the shop.


When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.


Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.’


The cop was happy and left the shop.


The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.


Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.’


The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.


The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.


And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.



As Ronald Reagan said: "Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often and for the same reason.”