Got A Good And Funny Joke? Lets Laugh ...

I took some high resolution photos of a wheat field, but they all turned out grainy.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

Do you want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind....it's tearable.

My dog, Minton, ate my shuttlecock. Bad Minton!

What state has the smallest soft drinks? Mini soda

Mountains aren't just funny - they're hill areas

Where are average things manufactured? at the satis-factory

We tried to catch some fog on the way to work today...we mist

I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

A brain and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar and order a pitcher of beer. The bartender refuses to serve them and asks them to leave. As they are leaving, the brain asks why? The bartender says, "Well, you're clearly out of your head, and I think your friend is going to try and start something."

 

You've gotta be an Aussie

 

Due to circumstances, I had to get a new remote for the t.v.
Got it programmed and was watching an old country any western movie ( racist, I know!).....
Told the wife, "This new remote sure has a good picture!"........

She didn't make an argument!

................

 

An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub.

The Scotsman is heard saying "drinks for the house, on me!"

Headline the next day:

Irish Ventriloquist Found Beaten Behind Pub

 

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
(Source: https://short-funny.com/funny-quotes.php)

 

Looks like Trumpy is going to ban Tik-Tok for good?
From now on if you want to see 16yo's dancing, your going to have to get on a plane with Bill Clinton

 

I like to take Viagra and Valium together on the same night.
That way if I dont get a fu*k.......I dont give a fu*k

 

I have a pen that can write underwater. It can also write other words too.

What is the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

How does the man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

I quit my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

I have been studying my thesaurus recently because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

Doctor, I feel like I'm a dog, please help me!
How long has this been going on?
Ever since I was a puppy.

Do you like my harp costume?
Isn't it a little small to be a harp?
Are you calling me a lyre?

A pirate went to the dermatologist to get the moles on his back checked.
"They're benign," she said.
Unconvinced, the pirate said, “Look again, I'm sure there be at least ten!"

 

people are sick and no one has humor in usa

3 people walk by me one has a black cat on her shoulder

i said black cats lives matter"

no reaction just stoic creeps

 

I have 2 black cats. 1 male 1 female from different wild litters from 5 and 6 years ago The female has been gone lately. They both come up to me naturally and almost exclusively. No one else. Make good friends for pets!

 

I took off the shell of my racing snail in the hopes that it would speed him up. It just made him more sluggish.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything.“

Why don't cats like online shopping? They prefer a cat-alog.

What do you do with a sick boat? Take it to the dock.

Where do people who tell bad jokes go? The punintentiary.

When the military drafts babies, where do they go? Straight to the infantry.

One man was clearly watching the soccer match and cheering for both teams.
He said he was just watching the game for kicks.

I went to Egypt to get my back fixed. It was the only place I could find a good Cairo-practor.

A man walks into a bar and with that, he loses the Limbo contest.

A pun, at maturity, is fully groan.

What is the difference between bird flu and swine flu? For one you need tweetment and the other oinkment.

Why did the algebra teacher confiscate the student's rubber band gun? It was a weapon of math disruption.

I had to get a new pair of scissors. The old ones just weren't cutting it.

What happened to the elephant who ran away with the circus? The police made him bring it back.

For a while Houdini used a lot of trapdoors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will always be stationary.

Someone broke into my house and stole my light bulbs. I should be upset, but I am absolutely delighted.

I used to be a member of a secret cooking society, but they kicked me out for spilling the beans.

Why is there music coming from the printer? Maybe the paper is jamming.

 

What did the tin man say when he got run over by a steamroller? "Curses, foiled again!"

I have a fear of elevators, but I've started taking steps to avoid them.

What happens to chemists when they die? We Barium.

Why did the bowling pins stop working? They went on strike.

Why do actors say break a leg? Because they are all in a cast.

How do you get rid of a boomerang? Throw it down a one way street.

Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

Hear the joke about the mosquito? It's malarious.

What do you get when cross a kangaroo and an elephant? Great big holes all over Australia.

I am not a dad, but I tell dad jokes. I'm a faux pa.

Late one evening, a man was breaking into a house to rob it, when he heard a voice, "Jesus is watching you."
Startled he hid and was quiet, for about a minute. Then he checked the room again.
Still not seeing anyone, he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Looking across the hall, he saw a parrot.
He walks over to the parrot and asked "Is that you who said that?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
"What's your name?" asked the robber.
"Clarence..."
"What sort of idiot names their parrot, Clarence?"
and the parrot said "The same idiot that names their Doberman, Jesus."

 

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said:
Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk but, whenever I
fart, the room smells loveiy.
********************************
A new study suggests that
DRINKING COFFEE
prolongs your life. Hell
looks like I'm going to be
IMMORTAL.

 

My third grade teacher always said : there's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was really raking it in.

-I put in an application for an apartment because I fell in love with its lengthy corridor.
-Now I am in it for the long hall.

The ancient Romans only gathered once a week. That was enough forum.

Did you hear about the man who gave up making haggis? He didn't have the guts for it anymore.

Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

Did you hear that spider man made himself a winter jacket out of Greek bread? It was a pita parka.

What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.

What type of tea do hockey players drink? Penal-tea.

-When I die, I want you to promise me that you'll have my remains cremated.
-What should I do with your ashes?
-Put them in an envelope and mail them to the student loan office with a note that says, "Now you have everything."

 

I don't normally cook...
Does anyone Know How
Much VODKA
to add to mashed potatoes?

From aunty acid

 

One bottle for every patato...

 

Three Mice

Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of a fellow mouse, killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how much tougher they are.
The Texas mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the California mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The California mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Texas mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
They both turn to the New Jersey mouse. The New Jersey mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long burp and says to the two, "I don't have time for this BS". Gotta go home and have sex with the cat."

 

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage, along with a recipe.

 

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When
the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir,
but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the
manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and
marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few
moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no
success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy,
what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

 

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the
engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts
designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty
popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So,
how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is
going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping
him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?

 

LIFE HAS NEVER GIVEN ME
lemons.
ITS GIVEN ME ANGER ISSUES,
ANXIETY, A LOVE FOR ALCOHOL
AND A DISLIKE FOR STUPID PEOPLE.
But never lemons.

From Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for November 02, 2020

 

What can a cook make, eat, but never do?
Pea soup.

 

What do you call an unsatisfied lesbian? Mrs cox ​

 

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage, along with a recipe.

 

Jimmy & Johnny were playing in the schoolyard when Johnny said
‘My dad’s clever he can blow smoke rings down his nose.
Jimmy replied, well my dad’s cleverer he can blow smoke ring out of his bum.
Johnny said, how do you know?
Jimmy said, ‘cos of the nicotine stains in his underpants.

 

My friend says his wife's driving is so bad the GPS doesn't speak.
It prays...

 

Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for November 15, 2020
YOU KNOW IT'S GONNA BE A
BAD DAY
WHEN YOUR IMAGINARY FRIEND
FILES A
Restraining ORDER
AGAINST YOU.

 

A guy dashes into a pub bar in a panic and shouts to the Landlord - " I`ve got some bad news for you mate. My Pekingese has just killed your big Rottweiler "

The Landlord says " You must be joking, my Rambo would eat a little mouse like that "

The guy said " Well, your Rambo did try, but he choked to death "

 

The Queen takes the visiting Pope for a ride in a horse driven carriage site seeing through London.

Suddenly one of the horses passed wind very loudly. “I am awfully sorry,” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.

The Pope replies, “Don’t worry Ma'am, if you hadn't said anything, I’d would have thought it was the horse !”

 

LOL.

 

Aunty Acid by Ged Backland
--------------------------------------
My political party is called,
THE SLUMBER PARTY,
and the only thing we belive in is the
power of a good night's SLEEP!
*****************************
I think I may need professional help...
A CHEF,
A BUTLER,
and a MAID,
should do it!
***********************************
NOTE TO SELF:
Just because it pops into your head,
does not mean it should
pop out of your mouth...
******************************
YEAH I'VE GOT
O . C . D .
OLD,
CRANKY
and
DANGEROUS.
******************************
I think it's gonna be one of those days.
The voices in my head are
FIGHTING
My imaginary friend is
RUNNING
WITH SCISSORS,
and at some point one of my
personalities wandered off

 

God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

 

Quasimodo being chased by a crowd of kids and yelling "Clear off I haven't got your football"

 

Biology lesson, male teacher to young students -

Teacher: "What does the chicken give you ?"
Student: "Meat !"
Teacher: "Very good ! Now what does the pig give you ?"
Student: "Bacon !"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you ?"

Student: "Homework !"

 

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
An extremely attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay?”
“I’m okay, thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
“Why don’t you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”
I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
“That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “But I don’t think my wife would like it.”
“Oh, come on now,” she insisted.
She was pretty and very, very persuasive. I was weak…
“Well, okay,” I finally agreed, “however, I’m sure my wife won’t like it.”
After a couple of beers, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So, I’d better go now.”
“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, “Stay for a while, she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Still under the cart I suppose.”

 

Someone told me this several years ago...still my favorite! (For a complicated person, I seem to be amused by "simple" things...maybe my brain cells enjoy their "downtime", LOL.)

Someone stole the toilet out of the police station. D'ya know why they're never gonna solve the crime? 'Cause they ain't got nothin' to go on!

 

wow, i can't believe i haven't been back here
at the forums for a long time... life has been nuts this year
time passes you by and you look up and carp, it's already september.
i'll try to be a better netizen. my sister has been sending me some jokes,
so there will be some more once i collect them. toodles
=+=+=+=+=+=+=

My virtual, online classes are just like seances...
Hello Bob, are you here???
Bob, please answer if you are here with us!

Did you hear about the karate champion who joined the military?
The first time he saluted he nearly killed himself.

How does a physicist exercise?
By pumping ion.

Who do dentists seem so moody?
They always look down in the mouth.

I got a ticket for being parked illegally and I have no idea why.
The sign clearly said : FINE FOR PARKING.

What do you call a watch with a belt on it?
A waist of time.

What did the marker say to the pencil?
Looking sharp!

Why is it a bad idea to give your pet snake coffee?
Because it can become viper-active.

Why do grasshoppers not attend baseball games very often?
They prefer cricket matches.

An observation: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

-What are your plans for today?
-Me and a friend are going to buy some eye glasses.
-And after that?
-And after that, we'll see.

I'm terrified of negative numbers.
Really?
Why yes! I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Lance is a pretty uncommon name these days.
But in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot.

 

Welcome back Harmless.......OK I will pay that one!

 

Thanks!!
=+=+=+=+=

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store.
I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up by mistake.

I lost my job at the bank on my first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.
The nurse asked the rabbit: "What's your blood type?"
The rabbit replied: "I'm probably a Type O"

This is ridiculous!! It's July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.
One of them almost caught our christmas decorations on fire!!

Due to my isolation, I finished 3 books yesterday.
And believe me, that is a lot of coloring.

Cassette tapes have a side A and a side B,
So it is only logical, that their successor was the CD

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
Surprise surprise, it was an apple, but with limited memory.
Just 1 byte, then everything crashed.

"Vegetarian" is an old, native american word for bad hunter.

My friend was explaining electricity to me,
and I was like... watt??

Bad puns make me numb,
but math puns make me number.

 

Laughing at Your Pains

A lady who lives alone reported: “I don’t get lonely because I have some men friends who keep me company. I wake up with Charlie Horse, eat meals with Will Power, spend my days with Arthur Itis, and go to bed with Ben Gay.”

 

A woman went into a Catholic church, stepped into a pew, and knelt down to pray.
There were four maintenance men working in the choir loft and one of them said, “Hey, let’s scare that lady.”
So, he called out, “I am the Lord.” But there was no response.
He called out louder, “I am the Lord!” And still no response.
Then one of the other guys said, “Let’s try it together,” and they shouted in unison, “I AM THE LORD!”
The lady turned around, looked up at the choir loft and shouted, “Would you please hush up, I’m trying to talk to your mother!”

 

Gotta love nurses ...

 

From one of the best Irish Comedians....

Dave Allen!